All Comments on 'Pleasure Package (Illustrated Ver.)'

I wasn't impressed with your writing ability. The story wasn't engaging in any way. Also, the whole "stream of consciousness" effect that results whenever a hack author attempts to write a story in First Person, Present Tense, just fell completely flat. I make that comment when I run across failed attempts (which would be at least 19 out of 20), and I'm not alone. Plenty of people dislike FP,PT when they're reading a story. In fact FEW PEOPLE have positive things to say about it. The reason for it is it comes across as "I'm a pervert, making up shit as I type it, with little or no preparation." It's the literary equivalent of having some obnoxious lech standing in your personal space, and making you extraordinarily uncomfortable while they whisper their fantasy in your ear, and all you can think is, "Good God! Their breath stinks, and they're standing WAY too close. Where's my taser?"

Maybe you have some writing talent. I didn't see it here. Why don't you attempt to write a story the way THE MAJORITY of people here do? First person, PAST tense. Or second or third person, PAST tense. Don't know what I'm talking about? Pick a story at random. Odds are really good it won't be first person, present tense. (For reasons I've already elaborated on.) Go from there.

Epiphany_Jones is clearly jealous of your talent. Unable to create anything of his own, he instead insults other people's work. In addition to that, not only is the first-person, present-tense mode of storytelling viable, it is also well received. The only other instance of the style I've seen to date is, "Mittens" by Feather Watt. It's currently rated at 4.82 (4th for lesbian top-lists in the past 12 months, in a 4-way tie for 9th place in the hall of fame), has 51 comments, (most stories don't get more than 20), and 80k views. If that's not "Well received," then I don't know what is. "Epiphany"-Jones indeed...

I personally enjoyed the first-person perspective, and the way the story was presented on the whole. The artwork was vague enough that it allowed our imagination to freely roam, while at the same time it tied into the story nicely. The plot was simple, yet believable, and the characters were "real."

The only criticisms I'd put forth are there were a few punctuation errors, and you were a bit too specific at certain points. An ellipsis (...) should only be used to denote unsaid words at the end of a paragraph, chapter or story. If you wish to denote a lapse in time between words, use a hyphen (-).

As for the specifics, there were a couple that leapt out at me. The first was the descriptors you used for the dom, and the second was the heroine's bra-size. If I'm not mistaken, it was your intent for the "dom" to be any male who read this, so I'd have left him as vague as possible. The bra-size is a bit of a miss for a couple of reasons: 1. most men don't understand the measurements 2. the more you leave to the reader's imagination, the better.

The last point I wanted to make is, you should consider looking into the editor's program. A second set of eyes can help you catch errors you wouldn't be able to on your own. Because you wrote the story, you know what should be there, instead of what is actually there.

5/5 You should keep writing/drawing, you've definitely got talent.

"Mittens" is third-person, present tense, but my points still stand.

You found one example of a story written in the present tense. The example was written in the third person, not first person. And with that one example, you act like you've shot down all my arguments about how rare it is to find a well-written story that's told in present tense form.

The fact that, how'd you put it? "The only other instance of the style I've seen to date..."? Wouldn't you say that kinda "validates" what I had to say? You may have only found one story that WAS well-received, but you can't throw a stick without hitting a metric shit-ton that were NOT.

I stand by my first comment, and laugh at yours. The fact that it's sitting at less than 3.5 stars, as I see by checking, would also seem to support a lack of appreciation for it.

As for my absence of stories submitted with this username: My stories have no links to this username. That's intentional. There are dipshits with long memories, who read a negative comment from a specific username, and then blast a story based not on how good or bad it is, but that it was submitted by the person who just told them how bad their own story was. I've submitted over a dozen stories (under a name I'm not about to reveal), and all but two are over 4.5 stars. The two that aren't are still over 4.0 stars. So bite me.

(And by the way, telling someone, "Oh, don't listen to him. He's just jealous!"? Isn't that what the overprotective moms of loser kids tell them when they get harassed? "He's just jealous of your hand-knit Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer sweater. It looks wonderful. Just ignore him!" roflmao.)

Oh, and if you want the last word, go ahead: it's yours. I'm done with this.

Hunger games: "On August 17, 2012, Amazon announced The Hunger Games Trilogy as its top seller, surpassing the record previously held by the Harry Potter series."

~Bosman, Julie (August 17, 2012). "Amazon Crowns ‘Hunger Games' as Its Top Seller, Surpassing Harry Potter Series". The New York Times.

The Catcher in the Rye: Around 250,000 copies are sold each year with total sales of more than 65 million books.

~J. D. Salinger's Holden Caulfield, Aging Gracelessly". The Washington Post. Retrieved 2007-01-21

"Cohn estimates that about 60 to 65 percent of YA fiction is written in the first person and present tense, but not because YA readers can’t handle complexity—take a look at the average high school or AP English reading lists for evidence to the contrary—but because the simplicity and immediacy of that particular style helps writers develop the voices of their characters."

~theatlantic(dot)com/entertainment/archive/2013/10/the-8-habits-of-highly-successful-young-adult-fiction-authors/280722/

I found those quotes within 2 mins on google, but I'm sure that if I invested more time, I'd be able to find even more evidence to back my claim.

As for everything else "Epiphany"-Jones has spouted, it's just hateful vitriol not worth answering. The fact that he's hiding behind a puppet account to abuse newbie authors says it all. How old are you anyway Jones? Your profile says 41-50, but I'm going to call bullshit. You read like a 20 something who is angry at the world.

Sorry about that Submix. Anyway, the tense and perspective of your writing are both viable (Hunger games dethroned Potter - jesus), but as the saying goes, "Haters gonna hate." I will suggest though that you find an editor who will help you polish your writing, and grow as an author.

Take care, and I wish you well,

Shawn

Epiphany -- I appreciate the time you took to write your feedback, although I'm afraid that asking for me to choose a different writing style isn't overly constructive feedback. Modeling writing on what "everyone else is doing" will probably be no more successful than jumping in a puddle or shooting up some heroin because "everyone else is doing it." In fact, I would go so far as to say, if you dislike the writing, as I dislike puddles and heroin, how I go about writing (present tense, past tense, first person, or third person) will have little to do with how much you like my writing.

Shawn -- Thank you for your retributions to Epiphany, but more importantly, thank you for your feedback. I will certainly be looking into the editors program, and (to repeat myself) I appreciate the particular points you made and will be considering them in my future writing and for edits to the non-illustrated version of this story.

The illustrated version will be coming down for a variety of reasons -- but the story itself will remain in the BDSM category. Epiphany, if you have further responses - I kindly request that you send me a private message rather than commenting further on the BDSM categorized version of the story.

Thank you both for the lively discussion!

illos were quite poor. Suggest you read A Life Changing Trip With Mother for an example of a well illustrated story,

subminx, I was perusing some of the new postings to this site. I read your story, it's not my personal kink but it is always interesting to consider something outside my vanilla life.

Then I read the comments and thought they were rather unfair to you. The problem with the pictures and for that matter a lot of other web tech failures is the result of the mishmash of incompatible technology we have inflicted upon ourselves. A system designed by Rube Goldberg, doomed to chronic chaos.

To be fair,, the complaints should have been directed to the site administrators.

As for your writing, I think it it clear and concise You have a clever writing style and create interesting characters.

As for errors, spell check as well as all other auto-correcting functions are homophone-phobic. Constantly replacing what you type with similar sounding words. Of course sometimes, the wrong word in the right context can be hilarious!

.I hope you will continue to write your stories and post them to this site. Where we cheap buggers can read them for free!

This is one of the best writings that I have read on this site. I liked that the characters seemed real. I would like to see this story developed more.

Good pace, it is easy to get into the story and care for the protagonists 🤗 loved it and would read more.