All Comments on 'Prickly Pairs'

As usual, the characters surprise me by taking the story to unexpected realms. This started as a 'teamwork' story -- after various tribulations, the couples would have to learn to work together in order to survive. That was 6 months ago. The story I finished today has one of a dozen possible endings, with nuances of retribution, acceptance, or forgiveness; this is the one that grabbed me as the contest deadline approached. Those other endings could have placed the story in Group Sex or Erotic Couplings or Romance or even Erotic Horror. What emerged is this Loving Wives story with divine-justice BTB and no willful-wimpy cucking. Yes, I could have fleshed-out the story a bit more, but I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. Hope y'all like it!

Author's comment offers wonderful insight into a writer's mind and story construction. Thanks for a good read. A 5 for sure.

Thanks for sharing.

An enjoyable story. Good luck in the contest.

Like I said, this story could have gone in various ways. I took a cowardly shortcut and went straight from discovery to destruction; for more drama, I could/should have included a confrontation. How would they have reacted? The ending would remain unchanged. My excuse: I just didn't have time to work that out.

BTW, this is not all fiction - some is straight reporting. The breakdown and dancing-down-the-rockpile incidents actually happened, as did escaping a flash flood and the mysterious nighttime flash-bangs. One of these days, I'll tell the tale of being run over by a prototype Mars Rover. Stay tuned!

Good story, but justa a question: If he didn't broke his ankle, how would she get rid of the cheating bastards?

Actually it was. They got rid of a pair of really nasty people without having to get their hands dirty in the least. They got to remain good guys. Was it fair? Consider that Ted and Carol were not just cheating. They were planning to defraud their customers, fake their own deaths, and implicate their spouses in the theft and "deaths". The last part was mostly unnecessary. If they faked their deaths believably, why implicate their spouses in either the theft or "deaths"? The money could just never be found. The only reason is to divert attention a little more and they were willing to destroy their spouses to do that. That's pretty vicious.

It's very confusing that Carol seemed so loving after he broke his ankle. That was never really explained. It probably couldn't be since Carol is gone so why include the non sequitur blow job by Carol?

Good story.

So "why include the non sequitur blow job by Carol?" Because 1) I hadn't really thought it through, it just seemed like the right thing to write; but 2) she wanted to showcase her love for Bob to allay any suspicions of infidelity; and 3) this is erotica, and an extra BJ never hurts. Or maybe 4) it's part of divine justice -- Bob's reward for being a good guy. And that last look into her eyes...

But, don't overthink the plot. I sure didn't. I worked on this for a couple days 6 months ago for another contest (I had everything plotted up to the discovery of betrayal), then off-and-on in a few vacation days for this contest. I wrote up a list of a dozen possible betrayal+resolution scenarios, and the "clean hands" ending won, but by instinct, not by intellectual rigor. And laziness; that was the easiest, cleanest ending.

I would surmise that Carol still feels some level of affection for Bob. It's just trumped by her greed and her lack of moral character.

I won't say she's a slut because slutty is not necessarily a bad thing, in the proper context.

Should have bought a land rover No problem!u

Took a few paragraphs to get into your style of writing but in the end thoroughly enjoyed it although you're right in that you took the easy fast way out to end it :-)

The saying is: "If you want a Jeep but you want it to work, buy a Land Cruiser"

Land Rovers aren't even in the running.

Personally I favor first generation Broncos, but highly respect Land Cruisers.

What kind of serious back country 'wheeler doesn't have any spare u-joints?

Going into the California desert?

(yeah, I know it was needed for the story, but an engineer?)

This line alone is worth 5*:

REALITY IS WHAT REMAINS AFTER YOU STOP BELIEVING IN IT -- That should be rather obvious. Does gravity go away if you disbelieve in gravity?

I am a total sucker for a good Loving Wives story, but mix in scenes of nature acting out in random and awesome displays and I am helpless. The bad seed elements of Ted and Carol accrued very nicely as well which gave credibility and power to the damming emails reveal.

My tiny critique is that I didn't feel Bobby and Alice had enough fire and ice spice to marry. But overall, the story swept me away as easily as that roaring flash flood did the two cheaters trapped in the SUV.*****

That takes you back. It took a bit of getting in to, but a good story. Thanks

Once you slogged through the mud and debris, the path was pretty good.

This is very good. Plausible characters including some flawed ones.

I am surprised that Alice and Bob were surprised. They spend their off times stripping down and fucking next to each other, do drugs, drink a lot...and it never occurred to them that maybe, just maybe one or two people in the foursome thought seriously about test driving someone else?

I read something recently which said 'touch' is the most seductive sense. They are running around playing grab ass. It's hard to feel sorry for them, both in the flood and in the infidelity. "We doon need no steeenking boundaries" For little Ms. Hidalgo, this was certainly the case. I also feel no sympathy for people who pick up rattlesnakes and get bitten. This group wanted to be cool playing with fire. They got burned.

I read the Good Bye Blowjob this way (and yes, it's exculpatory): Carol was TALKING and PLANNING to do the ditch. It was, in all ways, a fantasy. Her 'happily ever after' dealt more with 'Happy Fucking Time with Ted' more then any hypothetical sense of loss. All she looked at was the good.

His broken ankle gave her a very quick, very harsh reassessment of the other side of her plans: the damage and sense of loss regarding a loved one and in her own heart. (She still loved him. She loved Ted more!) So, in a hypothetical continuance where they don't die, I see some ripping arguments between Ted and Carol regarding the plan. It might never have happened. "Keep the stuff that works. Toss out what doesn't." Very likely, post-fall, The Plan would not work for Carol. My take away and totally divorced from what the writer intended.

Now, interesting story, BUT. (I am a natural carper). Nobody DID anything here. Drive, fix, discover, deux ex machina, story ends. I am not saying I am an action junky, but Alice and Bob felt like spectators in their own lives. But this is a quibble.

good story keep writing

FD what does that exculpatory word mean? Wow. Interesting and well-written story. Author kind of telegraphed much of the plot, but that did not detract at all from its enjoyability. My take on Carol is that she was a very spoiled little rich kid who had everything too easy. I think she would have followed through with her plan oblviious to the pain that she would have caused.

Carol's goodbye BJ: My method of writing is to define the players, the scene, and a few plot points, and set the players loose. Then I just transcribe and edit their story. Carol's BJ was her idea, not mine. She did what she wanted, as usual. The real Carolina was just like that.

Bob and Alice's chemistry: They were faithful, and didn't let their attraction impact their vows (unlike their flaky mates). With those vows and mates gone, they're free to grow closer and merge their lives. Again, this was their idea, not mine. My original ending had everyone survive and work things out.

The U-joint: That was the McGuffin. It could have been a broken kingpin or cracked oilpan or whatever. I went with my early collaborator's suggestion of a U-joint. Why didn't engineer Bob carry a spare? 1) Then there would be no story, and 2) he's a rocketry engineer, not a car mechanic.

Mea culpa: We never carried enough spares when we rolled our 1986 FJ-65 into the Southwest deserts time and again. Yes, we've driven the Turkey Track. But I'm more Alice (electronics & software) than I am Bob (propulsive hardware). I'm glad we never broke anything on the Land Crusher.

My style of writing: That's how it comes out. I paint verbal pictures with impressionistic blobs of words splattered on a sketchpad. And yes, many of my characters (including Bob and Alice) ARE spectators of their own lives. The bad guys act; the good guys react, or not. Bob and Alice were developing a reaction but Ted and Carol were swept away by the deux ex machina; that would be a different, longer story.

Telegraphing: I'm learning that in some categories here, it's best to not be too surprising. (BIG BANANA and UNDER HIS EYES sure surprised and challenged many readers.) Stories like this one and THAT'S MY GIRL have major telegraphing... and get mostly positive comments. So, it works!

....high marks for being good on so many levels, keeping to a cohesive storyline, giving us characters that felt mostly real and that stayed true to their initial character sketches, as well as for having enough adventure to be fun, while the run up to the punch-line unfolded. Just very well written and engaging, even if I personally thought the couples sex was a little silly. With the personality conflicts as represented, I would find an intimate environment a little at conflict.

Anyway, 5*, 'cause that's as many as they allow....

After wading through a page and a half of drivel and nonsense, I decided to skip to the comments. So glad I did. This story is a waste of reading time.

The first 2 pages really drag. But it finished well. Now in the sequel we find out how Alice plots to get him out of the picture !! Yeah Alice set up Carol and Ted . We know it! lol

Seriously, H ; the start didn't work. We got to know the two couples but you failed to develop an emotional connection.. I didn't much care about the characters. The plot was interesting but not original. Okay I'll stop complaining. After all I got a little more than I paid for it.

AMerryMan

I suppose the intent was that the revelation of their affair would be a complete shock. It certainly was. However, I would have expected some information leading up to that revelation to at least make it somewhat believable.

Having an affair and wanting to run off with your lover is one thing. Totally abandoning your children is something completely different, especially for a woman. Framing your spouses with whom you appear to be in loving relationships with is beyond the pale, particularly since it will leave the children you plan to abandon without any parents at all.

With the information given, the plot was not believable. However, it was an interesting read. Thanks for writing.

I liked the movie. Not so much the story. UGH!

My Hitchcockian sense is tingling...the ONLY proof of the Ted and Carol "affair" and their insidious plans was on a computer...and Alice is the computer genius...

Maybe Alice was REALLY setting up Ted and Carol because she wanted Bob all along...but the flash flood made all her work and planning just unnecessary...

She could have palmed the memory stick and put her own already prepared one in Carol's Vaio.

After reading so many "Loving Wives" stories it's hard not to be totally paranoid.

But it's your story and 5 stars as written.

Thanks.

But i persevered and was rewarded with a wonderful, interesting and great story. Koved the characters.

Thanks for writing.

Don't know about prickly, but they were certainly pricks.

Excellent story. I liked how you handled the "Burn The Bitch" (and Bastard).

We have swing friends that are soft swap. Swatting an ass or copping a feel of breast is fine. Sometimes, mutual masturbation is okay, just not actual intercourse. That is how I read the interactions of all four characters. Soft swap.

Thanks for the story,

Jenny