All Comments on 'Providence'

Some interesting and unique ideas here. Good job on that. But next time, use that editor! The grammar was terrible and made it tough to finish the story. You use run on sentences a lot especially. One sentence becomes a big, impossible to read paragraph. Don't be discouraged, just get an editor or two!

Rough, Richard and James? Should have gone with an editor. That being said, it was not bad, I gave it a 3. The story deserves a follow-up including Clare's meeting with the children, telling her parents, and what happens to both Clare and Richard along with their children in the future.

The run-on sentence. It's too bad that you decided not to go with an editor, but then it wouldn't have made much difference, because your characters and the situation are too contrived to make your story an enjoyable read.

great, the idea is so true now in society men and women both have no morals or sense of right and wrong.

I thought you did a excellent job with this story. It was creative and full of emotion and spell binding. Nicely written and original with twists and turns. Thanks for sharing this story with us.

But let me echo the need for a couple of editors. I speak from experience, and I can't tell you how much better my stories are because I used them. There are two kinds, one to fix your grammar and typos (spell check only finds misspelled words, but you can type a different word leave off ending or leave out words.)

The problem is that you see what you intended to write and not what you wrote. The second type of editor, and the one you need first is the one who can give you structural advice and help find plot holes. You have a couple and your story would have been stronger if you had fixed them.

Well thought out and a lot of work. Thanks and keep writing.

I love it when the bitch doesn't get away with her bulllshit. The husband kept his balls and his dignity. Some man hating lesbians and dickless wonders will no doubt find cause to critisize the husband. These candy asses can fuck off and eat shit as far as I'm concerned.

And STILL called your main character Richard and James in a random fashion!<br><br>

The dialog was rather stilted; you need to develop a more conversational manner. Another thing that would be helpful would be for you to place a lot of the background materials into the action of the story, rather than spending the first 25% of the story to let us know the guy works in the textile industry. If I were your editor, I would have cut out a lot of the discussion about the superiority of American manufacturing, because it is an unnecessary digression from the plot. Indeed, you went on and on about Richard/James activities in the company that didn't do anything that couldn't have been accomplished in just a couple of sentences. One has to REALLY want to read the story to plow through that first section.<br><br>

And by the way -- a 125 grain bullet in a .357 is a very light load. A 180-grain would be more likely. 125 grain hollow points are for 9mm's and other cartridges that don't carry enough powder to push greater weights. LOL!

No such animal but they do make a .357 mag, for a first effort its an OK but poor grammar & a lack of research plus the names which kept changing hurt the story.

I thought it could have taken a few other routes! You had a good story line

that I enjoyed reading.

Watch the editing! There were a few problems. But it did not detract.

Yes, she fucked quite a few lives up. Why? because cheating has consequences!

Thanks for writing.

That being said the story idea was first rate. Excellent job! Use the editor/proofreader next time; because, you should really continue writing. Names must be consistent. 375 vs. 357 is a glaring error and a editor might have caught that too. Thanks again for an excellent first contribution.

First, I think that you have the talent to be a good story writer.

The grammar issues have been addressed by others. I will just concur that it did get in the way.

You spent a lot of time building up his career and desire to go out on his own. This was never followed up on, either by him castigating his wife for holding him back, now cannot b/c of his kids, or as an addendum where, without her, he does it and succeeds. It was a loose thread you never tied up.

Anyone who watches CSI or other programs knows that police must prove motive, means and opportunity. His rambling about not being caught was ludicrous, even if he only meant to scare his wife. No alabi doesn't hinder the cops, it means that there was the opprotunity.

You spent more time describing the gun than you did explaning the wife. She really was a two diminsional character.

Last comment, no one can be the Sales and Factory Manager, Chief Mechanic and Design Manager in a company of any size. A Factory Manager can't travel all the time for sales, he is needed at the factory! Why did you bother to do such a build up about his job skills as it was not important to the story?

Thanks for writing, you not only have talent, but to write in Loving Wives shows you have balls too!

-Ttom

This is a tremendous sucess for a first time author. Please continue to write and to share with all of your readers.

Glad to finally see a male character that had the balls to rectify the cheating sluts situation. MattM/JPB and DSQ should take note of how revenge should be accomplished.

for sharing your talent with us. How about a 2nd chapter. I would especially like to read your thoughts on the reactions of 'Lover Boy's' parents and their future relationship with the husband...Thanks again, you've got a lot of promise.

As others have said you really do need to use an editor. It woud have made the story flow much smoother. Other than that I thought your story line was great. I'm a sorched earth type guy when it comes to cheating wives so I definitely enjoyed your story. I'm sure you will get complaints about the violence for the panty waist crowd but I can see a man doing exactly what Richard did. It ain't like he killed anyone....YET:). I would have liked to see you carry the story out a few more months to see the wifes world totally collapse. Hope to see more of your work posted.

I like this type of story but I think you made a mistake not asking some one to edit it for you. You've changed names a couple of times and the age/years don't always match. Other wise not bad for a first try.

Loved the story. It had some information that didn't need to be put into the story, but general a great story.

Okay Drooge, you asked for honest feedback, here is mine. You made a mistake in not finding someone to help you with editing. In the private message I sent I talked about the two functions of editing and pointed out a few basic proofreading errors in spelling and grammar. An editor would have known and not let you make the mistake of a 0.375 S&W Magnum as Dirty Harry's choice weapon. The crook starred down the barrel of Eastwood's three fifty-seven magnum as he made his day.

You have set your story somewhere in America, but your use of idiom places you clearly in the British Isles. So much of your sentence structure smacks of British vernacular that the American references just come off as out of place, at least to me. In the U.S. a crutch is used to aid walking, not where a guy hangs his balls. I know some youngsters have adopted wank in lieu of jacking off, but for people the age of the two main characters I think some variation of JO would be more likely.

As to the story, the plot seems trite, but that is okay for a first time author. I do suggest finding some folks you can share story lines and efforts with. If this is your first, it is better than mine, which I wouldn't share with anyone.

Drooge,

Good work for a first effort. Now the hard stuff, criticism.

First as with the others, if you are going to set the story in the U.S. get an American editor, at least to clean up the vernacular; phrasing and terms. Then do lots more research on U.S. gun laws, they vary literally from state to state and within those state locale to locale.

With the .357 cal. which you refer to as a .375 cal, I will give you credit there actually is a .375 cal, but it is a rifle caliber. As a gun owner and carrier, the .357 magnum is huge to carry in a back waist holster, a hip or shoulder would work but not a back waist. And as to hitting Josh with a pistol that large, his jaw and eye sockets will be crushed.

So please get an editor comfortable with the U.S. and firearms, but most of all KEEP WRITING!

Good story line and ideas. Can't make any constructive criticisms for having an editor, as I'm not qualified. Enjoyed it very much though. Keep writing...

OK. It was nice hearing about the S&W 375 and the Buick BS 9000 or whatever, but the rest was pretty dismal.

very well done. looks like there is plenty of room for a sequale

but you NEED to go and pick up ONE, just one, average novel from Barnes and Noble, or any other store isle... and READ THE FIRST 10 PAGES. <p>

At this point, I won't even want to critique the plot and characterization of the story. There are just too many problems; but you will get better as you keep on writing. <p>

But if you truly want to write stories, you HAVE TO READ a mainstream-published novel. Just one. Or perhaps you HAVE read many novels before; the problem is --- if that's the case --- you didn't pay attention to fundamental rules for writing simple, coherent sentences/thoughts. And you don't even need to pay attention to a whole lot of things (and there are tons of things in writing good novels/stories), for now. For now, the TWO basic things you need to look for and pay attention to, so you could improve your writing/stories: <p>

(1) The correct/proper use of quotations: --- e.g. <p>

"You will need to make sure your lover is taken to the hospital, and then you will come home and be ready to confess to your children. You will explain carefully, convinvingly to them that you no longer love me; that you are moving out to live with your lover. Please, Claire, don't doubt me for one moment about killing you or your lover. Tonight Providence may have saved you and me and our children. But it will likely not intervene again for a second time. Look into my eye, and see it for yourself that I am speaking to your calmly and deliberately," I said to Claire. <p>

My guess was that she believed me, since she didn't challenge or threaten me. <p>

Instead, Claire simply said, "You are right, Richard. I know I have done you wrong; I have destroyed our family and what we have built together, all these years. I will do as you have just told me, to the letter. My only hope is that one day you will allow me to make amend... and I will do whatever you should ask, in that future time, like I am following your instructions now, without questioning your motives or threatening you in any way, since I sincerely believe your resolves to carry through what you've just told me." <p>

I acknowledged her affirmation, making sure she had nothing to fear, if she would simply do as I instructed. <p>

With my life with Claire having ended at that moment, I took a last quiet and sadden look at her and slipped quietly out the window. I climbed down and got into my car and drove home, a place that would never again be a complete home. But a new life was awaiting me...

OMG!!! could you make a longer intriduction to ALLLLL the characters and their lives? i think you left out . . . . birthdays, favorite colors and pet's names?! really i think i kept reading just to see if it EVER got going . . . .

it didn't.

Richard cocked the gun once when he pointed at his wife when she was going for the phone advancing the cylinder onto the empty chamber, released the hammer then cocked the gun again when he put it to her head and pulled the trigger. If she didn't die it was truly providence or the gun was never loaded.

Dirty Harry used a 44 magnum not a 357 magnum which isn't much more than a 38 special and neither kicks like a 44 mag and would not put on your back when fired even with one hand.

Nice read - Put together quite well and if you would be so kind as to continue this tale, it would be appreciated.

Thanks

Good inaugural story! However I do enjoy the wifes reasons for stepping out on her family. Nice touch with the gun although a pocket cannon is a bit of overkill. Please write some more.

tmi, the job, the car, the gun, the drink. brevity in all things literotic.

'education will cure ignorance, but stupid is terminal.'

The first revolvers could discharge by a sharp blow to the hammer or dropping it on it's hammer. So it was the chamber under the hammer that was left empty so as to avoid accidental firing. Old school gun owners sometimes still leave an empty under the hammer even though gun manufacterers have since redesigned revolvers to prevent this.

Since you stated several times it was a Smith and Wesson .375 magnum, I'm assuming it was not a typo, S&W does't make a .375. They do make a .357 magnum that fires, 125-grain semijacketed, hollowpoints bullets.

Cocking and slowly lowering the hammer would advance the cylinder so that the empty chamber was under the hammer, if it really was set up to land on an empty, then cocking and pulling the trigger again would put it on a live round.

Not bad for a first attempt, but a little research about details would be in order.

...My cousin loads his .357 with some load combination,(180,230,280 grain, can't remember tried calling him in Nevada, no go) but I distinctly remember him assuring me (as a licensed firearm instructor and collector) that it easily has the firepower of a .44 mag, And I've fired both and I found the .44 easier to control, having a longer barrel y'know? Author, way too many writing screw-ups to mention BUT an A+ for the intent of the story. The fact that you couldn't seed her with a believable reason to cheat with a kid hardest part to ignore. Thanks for the effort.

....just called the cuz and he informed me that I misremembered and exaggerated, the gun was a RUGER .357MAX, longer shell and only comparable to .44 not equal. My bad. Still find with weight and length .44 easier for me. And I have the nerve to call myself ppp.

To start with, an editor might help you settle on just ONE name for your protagonist. Or does Richard/James have a split personality?

For a first story it was very very good. Wish I could write as well. Yes it would have been better for editing but it still got the story line across. Like it or hate it, you wrote of a husband taking affirmative action against a cheating slut wife and a cuckolding young smart-arse. Personally, I liked it while many obviously didn't. If you are going to get into technical specifics you need to do more homework. It would have been quite ok to simply say a .357 magnum and leave the rest alone. Please don't be discouraged and I truly look forward to your next posting. We are not all Leon Uris or Tom Clancy.

Really Enjoyed the storyline - Collaboration with another Experienced Writer can only make you a Better Writer - I have added you to my Favorites, just so i can monitor your progress ... BTW I cant write, but i know what i like to read .. Craig in Australia

I liked it, Great for Starter, But I would love to see, what would happen after her explanations, YOu did great, No Murder, No explanation, No Remorse.

No Second chance, He could have forgiven her, but after hearing her disrespecting him was end to their marriage. So there was no chance for reconciliation. Great. And very new solution too. keep writing. I will be looking forward to your submissions.

I realize I have quite a bit to learn and I would like to thank everyone that took the time to leave a comment I will follow most of the advice given. I hope to be posting a new "Loving Wives" story soon but first I think I will rewrite it and then go with a Literotica volunteer editor.

I'm particularly apologetic to those that appreciated the story but found my run on sentences hard to endure. Please don't give up on me I was perhaps too eager to get it printed. I know that I can do better. I will also invest in a couple of How To Write Short Stories books.

To those that have emailed me directly, thank you and I will answer each and every one.

Practice makes perfect. Good first story Drooge. Keep at it. And thanks for the story.

I read the story, and I'm glad you're taking to heart the recommendations that you improve your technical writing skills. The plot itself is interesting and unique, which is always a plus. Now that you're ready to perhaps get a book or two about how to master the technical aspects of writing stories, I'd like to recommend two that have been very helpful:

1. Strunk & White's Elements of Style. A short little book, little more than 90 pages, and a constant companion of any writer. This book will teach you two very important things: How to write a crisp, single-thought sentence and how to construct paragraphs. Both of these take practice, and you'll just need to keep practicing to get there. Nevertheless, this should be the first book on any writer's shelf.

2. How To Write A Damned Good Novel. I know you mentioned buying a book on short story writing. Don't bother. This book has it all: How to write dialogue, how to plot a story, how to improve characterizations, and how to maintain tension. These matters are all just as important in short stories as in novels, and he uses short stories as examples. I can recommend no better book on how to actually construct a compelling story.

No matter what you do, remember you cannot get better without practicing. A lot. So just keep practicing, and the rest of us will keep reading.

It seems to be that you put together an intriguing plot with

fascinating details. (Some of them over the top) Your introduction was

too long and rather stiff. Editing does not solve that, you have to

rewrite to get it right. Hang in there I am sure that you will produce

some noteworthy work..

Most of what I'm going to say is repeats so I'll try to keep this short. Richard and James kind of threw me. I didn't pay that much attention to the quotes and looking back there was a hell of a lot of exposition at the beginning to get the story started, but to be honest I've seen worse on this site. But on the other hand, I read every word and I have the feeling a lot of other commenters did to. There are people that know all the rules and use perfect English and readers' eyes glaze over- because there isn't a story or a plot or tension or emotion. You've got those. You paint a believable character, there's a good plot and you keep the reader in real suspense at to what the protagonist is going to do. I'll agree the wife is a cypher, but while realistic reasons for cheating would nice, they're not necessary for this story. The story is about what happens to the viewpoint character, not why his wife screwed him. For "torch the bitch" lovers, this story is a wet dream. He beats the hell out of the lover, scares the hell out of the cheating wife, throws her out and ruins her life and gets to keep his kids and his wife. Honestly, your touch with the wife's dialogue with the lover is enough to probably fry any marriage, although being a die-hard reconciliation buff, I don't think it would be impossible but I don't think that's where your head was at when you wrote the story. I'll agree, you need an editor for details like .357 or .375 magnums and phrases like "finish university" which is a sure tipoff you're British or Canadian. But the main thing is, you can tell a story and you can grab readers. I'll look forward to reading your next.

I won't repeat the technical writing issues that many have described, nor the firearms errors that surprisingly many have mentioned. I think the readership must have a lot of NRA members, certainly more than the percentage in the population at large (LOL). But I do have other thoughts that I believe have not yet been stated.

First, I agree with the surmised British or other foreign nationality for this author. When I traveled to Europe 40 years ago, I was amazed at how many thought we Americans were all cowboys, as in "Cowboys and Indians." We all carried six shooters on our hips, just like John Wayne. Well, it seems the Indians are not in this story but certainly a Cowboy is.

Author, the gun laws are more liberal than in other countries but we do have them. Unless you are a federal law enforcement officer, it is virtually impossible to get a permit that allows concealed carry in multiple states -- one would need to get separate permits for all of the states to which one traveled, an expensive and difficult task.

And even if our "hero" had done this successfully, many states (including Kansas) allow bars to prohibit a person who is not a law enforcement officer from carrying within their establishments, and most bars do post such signs fearing liquor could impair a person's judgment with respect to using a gun. Richard is worried about having a DWI, yet he carries a gun into a bar, then commits assault and battery, unlawful restraint, attempted murder, making terrorist threats, and God knows what else.

Second, we have no background on Claire, but Richard's threats notwithstanding, I think she would tattle on him, file a police complaint, and he would indeed be in jail. We have no information to indicate Richard was mob-connected, so it is ludicrous to believe he has connections to insure that she would be murdered should she violate his dictum. I enjoy a revenge story much more than phony reconciliations, but this one really has a credibility problem.

I don't mean to be discouraging -- the story has some fresh ideas and as a first story, it has some very good points. But I agree with others about an editor and further practice being good for the soul, not to mention the quality of one's story. Thanks for sharing.

Good description of real consequences of infidelity. It is very difficult to write a realistic escape from the consequences of violence. It can be done, but often serious bodily injury leads to a blind plot alley.

A small issue: Putting a heavy pistol in the belted waistband of your pants does not work well. It's a Hollywood myth; try it. A man trained in the use of weapons who chose a .357 would have a clip holster to keep the pistol secure in storage and when wearing it.

Keep writing.

Could not even finish it; why would I want to continue to read a story where the husband will be so brutal and also think it is okay to kill the lovers? This is the same person who has been described as such a good manager?

Why does your main charator keep changing his name. Is it so the reader has to re-read the story to understand or because you didn't proof read?

Why some people submit BULLSHIT will puzZle me forever! Very bad story, and if a woman thought as little of u as she did, she would still think that even with u holding a gun. When did this happen 1964? U can't sneak in a lavish hotel room that easy dumbass! Stick to just reading.

Vulcan : The multiple license thing is not absolute. Some neighbor states will honor a regular civilian ccw permit in good standing. You might have to call ahead and get an ok, but usually one full anal probe will suffice. I know of several western states that allow this (the permit thing, not the anal probe -no comment there), not sure about east coast.

re: .375 mag. Dead horse, I know but it's gonna get a few more kicks. That's a big game hunting round in the belted magnum range (.375h&h mag) . No concealing that beast. I shudder to think what that would do in a hand gun... to the shooter. Like was said before, the .357 is the real deal.

The empty chamber bit does stick a bit. That is mostly for carry only to prevent accidental discharge if dropped. And is rendered void after the first time you cock the hammer, causing the cylinder to advance to a live chamber from the empty. And DON'T look down the barrel! Bad primer doesn't always mean dead primer.

As for the objection to sticking a gun in your belt. You can, and if you use a snub nose it isn't too bad. Very uncomfortable, but very workable. That said, a clip holster is quick to put on and way more comfortable too.

Lastly, I'll steal, butcher and paraphrase Blue Öyster Cult: DON'T FEAR THE EDITOR! Having an author do the only edit of his/her own story is like telling a doctor he has to do his own appendectomy. And don't quit for a bunch of picky whiny bastards like us.

Needs an editor, yes. The storyline was quite good, and original (at least for the genre). The ending could have been a little more fleshed out, but it was still satisfying.

As to the critics below concerning the type of man the main character might be and projecting that on the author, please consider this. The author wrote a story, about a couple and circumstances that apply with regards adultery. It waS NOT author with the gun in his hand, but a character. However, what this story should point out to adulturous spouses and their lovers is that there ARE people in the real world who react this way. And you never know who might be violent and what they might do. Read the news, it happens much more than you would think.

Players think they will not be caught or that the spouse (man or woman) is not forceful enough to do something. Perhaps this will make them think twice about stealing someone elses lives and happiness.

Richard stumbled upon the all the facts and directly confronted the situation. What a silly woman, where these were certainly unexpected consequences. I suspect she considered her plan fool proof, unfortunately, she was the fool. I wounder how many prior ? and to extreme, whose children? Anyway, it is effectively resolved, and ex wifey can no longer be concerned with such secrecy and Richard

the glaring error I picked out immediately was a foolish thing to even write ..... To carry a S&W 357 with an empty chamber is idiocy as there is a built in safety by the factory to prevent an accidential discharge if dropped .... also if you carried it on an empty chamber when cocked or the trigger pulled would result in the cylinder moving one position over thus allowing the weapon to discharge get your facts straight before trying something like this again

As a first submission, a good effort. Needs a bit more editing, as do most first submissions.

And either speak less about the firearm (great detail is not needed with this plot line) or learn a bit more about them. To those of us who know firearms, "the pistol" is fine, but ".375 magnum" is jarring -- it's a .357.

You have the ability to write effectively. Shorten sentences more than you have here. Then, write another story or continue this one if you can. Good luck!

One can criticise anything. I know, I enjoyed this very much and hope you write more stories for us, please. And thank you.

A real good read, I enjoyed it, please continue. R.T.

However Claire's reaction isn't realistic. Cheaters always blame the loyal spouse for their actions. Cheaters are human scum and accept no responsibility for their actions.

Claire would instead become angry and confrontational. She would try to scream at him and demand he let her have her fun. After all he doesn't own her, does he?

So I think a truer and better ending would be the bf getting his balls shot off, and Claire getting shot in the head just mid bitching coming out of her foul mouth.

She certainly wouldn't follow any of his orders. No, when you catch a cheating wife red handed, and they can't pin it on you, of course you shoot her. That's just good sense.

So I liked it, but she did deserve to die.

Not sure if I would have let the slut live but each moment of discover is different for each situation.

THANK YOU for doing what so many writers in this catagory cannot. Write a story with the male charator still attached to his balls !!!!!

Great story, your right it was a reach. only thing i caught was the lack of provedence. The hammer was cocked twice . thanks Don

One there is no such thing as a .375 it is a .357.Two the reason that you kept the first chamber empty was that in older guns a strike across the hammer or backstrap could detonate a round.when you cock a revolver it advances to the next chamber so cocking it would have put a live round in position just fyi.

3.2 beer is served in bars. Hard liquor must be purchased in a liquor store. Kansans might be "wankers", but they would never call it that. The point has already been made about .357 S.&W.'s.

Other than these minor problems, I thought it was a wonderful story. I would have to say I enjoyed it almost as much as I enjoy the stories written by PAPATOAD and TTB. Please, please keep writing!

Others have corrected you about the 357 and other things. And now a couple of the others need to be corrected. Revolvers come in all shapes and sizes. They have different barrel lengths and weights. That includes 357's and 44's. Dirty Harry carried a 44 Magnum. He stated in one of the movies that he used 44 special ammunition for reduced recoil which negates the reason for the magnum to begin with. That means that all he had was a 44 special. Someone else said that a magnum wouldn't jump out of your hand, thats true with more experienced shooters. Novices however, might find themselves with a bloody forehead or drop the weapon altogether. They are not prepared for the big boom. I liked the story.

I appreciate the effort, but it needed a lot of polish

35 stick a fork in her.

The story overall was good but two things need to be adressed. One, your punctuation was bad to the point of distraction. Get someone knowlegeable on the rules of grammar to edit any future stories. Second, as has already been mentioned, your lack of knowlege in the handgun area destroyed the story completely for any one that does know guns. Other than these two areas it was a rather nice story.

Interesting story.

!!!!

Bitch got hers and Bravo.

You've received a lot of good advice and great suggestions from some very experienced writers and sage commentators. Hence, I won't be adding my two cents to the kitty. Rather, I believe the story shows a lot of promise for you as a writer. It was inventive and original in its premise and plot. That's a very big plus.

I'm a more middle of the road kind of guy, so the extreme "lessons" taught by your protagonist are over done, in my opinion. And that's really my only solid complaint.

I enjoyed the twists and turns you made of the story. Please do continue to write. It's the only way to improve. And to give the rest of us the enjoyment of your ideas and writing ability.

after all that your still a cuckold, you kicked the kids ass a had no intention of hurting the slut. what most men fail to relize, he didn't rape her and she know how to say no because she says no to you all the time. but now all of a sudden she can't say no. please. he is still a pussy, if your going to teach him a less put the gun down and kick his ass. you weren't going to use it anyway.

my guess is they are hermaphrodite siblings, not just sisters

Between what the bartender and the hotel can add to the conversation about them, that is much more interesting for her prospects in the deal. His parent's will hate her and one more thing to besmerch her precious reputation, etc. Well executed, so to speak.

I liked most of this although it drags out for awhile in the beginning. I think I would have liked a little less in the beginning and a little more in the end.

the lead-in seemed to drag.

and for effect, she does not change her garments, not one thing. the betrayal must have a price!

cuckdogg likes to take it in the poopchoot, just like all beaten cuckolds, but this author wins the prize for most run-on sentences in one cuck fantasy. Add some incoherent babble (duna?) and this 'spooge' would be in the HoF.

Cheat on your family. Yes she cheated not only on her husband but their children as well. What did it cost her? EVERYTHING in life that she held dear. Richard handled the situation perfectly. No cuck wimp here.

Way to go.

Upon re-read, gets rids of damaged goods , keeps the better part of the marriage, the children. Also, he can puruse his dreams for business plan, and she is no longer a concern. She has a job, and a statrt to building a new life. A methodoical person, now better able to find what makes him happy.

a few bones broken on her would not have been a bad thing, perhaps the knees

either way the point was given and taken to heart, TK U MLJ LV NV

She complies with the direction and no change of clothing either to diminish the effect, be it with his parents, his children or anyone else. The is the "S" on her forehead.

The title says it all

Very nicely done. only co

plaint is that there wasnt more.

... .375 pistols.

The idea of a husband visiting on a cheating wife her very murder, is one I haven't seen or thought. I think it is a cool idea and the way you brought it to bear is excellent.

The dialog is stiff and preachy, but, the point is made and that is what you wanted to do.

I congratulate you on a fine story and encourage you to write on.

Regards,

-Pultoy

Original. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep writing.

You appear to be a Brit attempting to write about America, which is laudable, but you need to correct a few tiny mistakes. First, there is no such weapon as a .375 Magnum or otherwise in pistol caliber. .357 Magnum, yes. You got the bullet weight correct at 125 grains for the more common round, but it's still a .357. Also, the legendary keeping of the first cylinder unloaded is and was for single action revolvers such as the Colt and Remington models popular in the 1800s. For current models normally available, the weapons are double action, which means pulling the trigger rotates the cylinder under the hammer prior to firing, so there is no need to keep a chamber empty. Additionally, regardless of the strictness of gun laws in the various states, in none of them is carrying a weapon even with a permit allowed in any business which serves alcohol--yes, I know criminals do not care about the laws, but if you are going to portray a law abiding person, they should be abiding by the laws, yes?

Finally, and this is where you identified yourself as British beyond confusion: in America it's called the hospital. Going to hospital is only spoken as and by Brits. Here it would be going to THE hospital. Sure, it's a small grammatical issue, but the devil is in the details, yes?

Other than that, the idea was worth pursuing and fairly well written. Just do a bit more homework or get a native editor for the next go-round, please?

Besides the glaring mistake of the mistake in caliber ( it should have been .357) the empty cartridge rule went out the window with the single action revolver.

The old Colt and Remingtons did not have a transfer bar safety. In other words, with all six chambers loaded, the firing pin on the hammer rested directly on the primer of the round. A sharp blow to the hammer could cause the pistol to fire. This would sometimes happen when a pistol would fall from the holster when the wearer sat down. As a consequence, the average sixgun wearer would, indeed, keep an empty chamber under the hammer.

All modern revolvers have a transfer bar safety that takes care of this problem. The bar blocks contact between the firing pin and the primer until the hammer is drawn back or the trigger pulled. Thus it is no longer needed to observe that old rule.

...entirely unexpected & unusual.

What a good surprise - thank you Author.

Those asswipes will never learn. "1*" !

Run-on sentences galore! I have come to accept that most of the stories on this site have grammatical mistakes. For the most part it is tolerable. Yours wasn't.

i liked it.

Bad this. "1*" .

That's that. Typical stupid fucking cunt. Cheating just to cheat. No real reason. And no regret. Until caught, that is. Fucking skank.

I just stumbled across your story and really enjoyed it. Wish you would start writing more like it.

read the first two paragraphs - just two long run on sentences where there should have been 6 or 7 - and I realized I didn't have it in me to force myself to make sense of this mess.

Sorry.

I read the whole terribly-written tale. An Aussie setting a story in Topeka, KS?

I see that this is your only story listed on this site. That is a wise decision. I know it was your first attempt, but your writing skills are sadly lacking making this a very difficult read to undertake & enjoy. You stated at the start not to comment on grammar errors, unfortunately, that contributed largely to the trouble in reading this tale; your sentences were often far too long & made unwieldly by almost a total lack of punctuation.

Also I think you mistook volume of content for quality, there was far too much rubbish filler writing that had absolutely no bearing on the storyline or characters. Try to remember your characters names too, don't swap once started, ie Richard/James. Hell, you had him introduce himself as James to Ricky the barman. Not good editing on your part, I'm sure a good editor would have help improve this greatly. 1 *

Your confusion as to the name of your protaganist, James/Richard, is a very serious distraction to any reader. I see this story was written 4 years ago. Hopefully you've corrected some of the errors mentioned in the comments. I think you have potential as a wrtier.