Puppet on a String

She stared at me silently, her eyes pleading. She hoped, as I did, there was a way to put back together something which was shattered. Unfortunately, we both knew it was too late.

Deidre signed the divorce papers after the meeting. They were fair and close to what the courts probably would've determined. Afterwards, I had no more contact with her. A few months later, our divorce was final and I found myself trying to move on.

My children, Kathy, Mary, and Brad, all helped me through that first year after the divorce. I wasn't as bad as I'd been during the divorce, but I was still bitter and caustic. I knew they were also there for their mother, but I never asked and they were good enough not to offer any information.

My relationship with my parents was another matter. It was strained, at best. The ghost of my failed marriage seemed to be present every time we talked. I'm not sure how long it would've gone on like that, but then something changed, they met my fiancée.

I hadn't start dating again until several months after the divorce. It was bad. I'm not sure what I expected but most of the women I dated had as much baggage as I did. I'm sure those women that didn't have so much baggage couldn't wait for our dates to end, since my bitterness probably ruined their evenings.

I plodded along like that for about seven months before I met Karen. She changed my world.

Karen was a small curvy bundle of joy. Her dark brunette mane framed her pretty face and huge toothy smile. She was barely over five foot tall and carried about thirty extra pounds. Fortunately, a lot of it was in her breasts and butt.

She'd been divorced for about nine years when I met her. She'd come out of a very abusive marriage. Her only child, a son, unfortunately followed in his abusive father's footsteps and had left for parts unknown three years before we started dating. Saying that hidden behind her happy bubbly façade was a scared woman with massive trust issues, would've been a huge understatement.

When I took her to meet my parents I wasn't sure how they'd react. I should've never doubted Karen's ability to endear herself to others. She simply had that way about her. Where they'd liked Deidre, they absolutely adored Karen. She was adopted into the family after only the second time meeting them. .

Karen certainly wasn't perfect and her trust issues were a big problem, as were mine, but she breathed life into my dead existence and I fell for her; I fell for her hard.

When I asked her to marry me, she agreed with a few stipulations, since we'd only been dating seriously for about six months. The first stipulation was that our engagement would be at least a year long to make sure we weren't rushing things. The second stipulation sucked. We were going to both get counseling so as not to drag the baggage from our past marriages into our new one.

We started couple's counseling a month later. Lots of ugly little things were exposed on both sides. For the most part, we were working through them. There was one Karen struggled a lot with; it was the fact I refused to talk to my ex-wife.

I had been very open with Karen about my marriage and divorce. By that time, I could talk about it without getting angry or sad. I realized Karen was concerned I might still have feelings for Deidre because I did. After twenty plus years of marriage, those feelings don't simply disappear overnight. Of course, they had now changed, morphed from what they'd once been. The love I'd once had for Deidre had been poisoned with anger and bitterness. Any love that remained was now so diluted it would never threaten my love for Karen. I couldn't see any benefit of digging up the past and revisiting the pain surrounding my divorce.

Apparently, my thoughts and feelings on the matter were about to be overridden.

****

"Well son," my father growled. "Are you going to grow a pair, or are you going to run away like a coward?"

"Please, Will," Karen pleaded. "Talk to her."

I nodded sadly and sighed. Silently I stepped up on the porch. My mother went to hug me and I stepped back.

"Don't touch me," I said coldly.

I saw the pain in her face as the recognition of what her treachery might cost her began to dawn on her. I also noticed the look of horror Karen had on her face when she stepped forward and I shook my head.

"Great!" my father sneered. "Are you going to throw a temper tantrum, too?"

"Fuck you, old man!" I snapped back at him. "And one more shitty comment from you and I'll leave. So... anything else you want to say, asshole?"

My father's face turned bright red and the veins in his neck bulged. I wasn't sure if he was going to have a stroke right then and there. We'd had countless shouting matches, but I'd never verbally attacked him like that before.

He clenched his fists and I thought he might actually take a swing at me. He was still in decent shape, but at seventy-five it wouldn't have been a fair fight. The sad truth was things had gotten to the point where I would've hit my elderly father.

'What a sad state of affairs,' I conceded to myself. 'Maybe it's really time to walk away and start over.'

Amazingly, he didn't do or say anything else. I walked past him and into the house. The looks and smells caused the memories to immediately wash over me. This had been my parents' home ever since my brother had died. The furniture, the carpet, the walls, everything permeated the essence of my parents. It was my second home.

I felt a deep sadness as I realized I might never walk into this place again. My thoughts were abruptly interrupted when I saw her sitting in the living room.

She stood up and I noticed she'd lost more weight than she should have. She looked tired and her weary smile looked like it was forced. Even with all that, I still saw the woman I'd fallen in love with all those years ago. The pain I still felt must've been written on my face since I watched her smile dissolve.

"I'm sorry, Billy," she said softly. "I told them this was a very bad idea but they wouldn't listen."

She snorted and tried to hide a small smirk.

"Not like your parents have ever listened."

It was my turn to smirk. There was a great deal of truth in that statement. I felt the cold rage at their betrayal beginning to build in my mind. I hadn't realized it, but Deidre's reaction told me I wasn't hiding my dark thoughts.

"They really crossed a line this time didn't they?"

I nodded.

"Past the point of no return?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know, but I think so."

"I'm sorry. I tried to tell them but I think they believed it was necessary if you and Karen were to have a future together. Bill, even though they're a pain in the ass, they really do love you. For her part, so does Karen."

"But not enough to respect my wishes, right?" I snapped. "Whether they thought my decision was childish, just being stubborn, or simply wrong, it was my decision, not theirs. It shows the lack of respect they have for me. At least the kids weren't a part of all this, although I'm a little surprised you are. "

"Well, I know both Kathy and Mary told them they wouldn't be. Both said they told all three this was a very bad idea and begged them not to do this. Brad was wrapped up in a major class project in school and apparently didn't realize what was happening. It's not surprising since he's completely focused on schoolwork and trying to graduate at the end of the semester.

"As for me, well it's simple ..."

I looked at the woman who had been my world for over two decades and saw her shift uncomfortably. There was a deep sadness about her she'd never had while we were married. For some reason it didn't give me the satisfaction I would've thought it would.

"Bill," she said with a sad smile, "Whatever I say and however you react to what I've to say won't make things worse between us. I've already lost you. You already hate me, so I've got nothing more to lose.

"When your parents asked me to do this, I initially turned them down. Even though I had nothing to lose, I wasn't interested in causing you anymore pain. Then Karen visited me and we had a long talk. She asked me to at least speak to you. I told her what I planned on saying to you and even though she didn't like it, she agreed I needed to be honest.

"I told her she was playing with fire, and regardless of whatever I said or however you reacted to it, she could still easily lose you. I'm sorry to say she still needed to do this. She really does love you, but she's terrified you still have strong feelings towards me. It's fear, plain and simple. The kids have told me a little about her and her past, and I'm sure that's where most of this is coming from."

We both stood looking at each other, wrapped in an awkward silence. Finally, I sighed deeply.

"All right, Deidre," I resigned. "Say what you need to say. How do we do this?"

"Billy?" she said softly, "would you please walk with me in the backyard?"

I nodded silently, trying not to betray my feelings. We silently strolled around in my parent's huge backyard away from prying ears. She broke the silence with a whisper.

"I'm sorry, Bill, you didn't deserve this. And now," she sighed sadly, "now I'm going to make things more complicated."

She smiled weakly at my surprise.

"Bill, I've been a fool... in so many ways. I knew I'd lost you when I'd slept with Mr. Jordan, but I never really tried to show you how sorry I was. I saw the futility in it so I never tried... but I was wrong.

"When we separated, I felt so guilty I tried to honor your wishes that we not have any communication. I did it mainly so you could have breathing room to try and figure out what you needed to do. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.

"I knew there were many of our friends and family who approached you about divorcing me. I tried to discourage it, but I think I came off as being the repentant sinner and made it worse. Oh I was genuinely repentant, and I would've done anything to have taken back my stupidity and save our marriage, but my remorse seemed to spur on your parents and some of our friends.

"I'm sorry they made you feel like you had to put up a wall and never talk to me again. That's where I was wrong."

I stared at her silently for a few seconds. My confusion was evident and she smiled sadly.

"Even though I was trying to give you space, I failed to do one of the things which would've helped us both heal afterwards. Whether it was hopeless or not, I should've done something, ANYTHING to have shown you how much you still meant to me.

I started to say something but she interjected.

"I know it wouldn't have stopped the divorce, but it might've helped us heal better in the aftermath. I would've put actions where my words were so you would've seen I was truly sorry and I would've had some peace knowing that at least I'd tried to show you. I can't tell you how much I regretted not doing that.

"There were so many times I started to call you and set up a meeting where I could at least try to talk to you, but you'd cut all communication with me. I floundered around for months trying to figure out a way to approach you, but then you met Karen.

"The kids told me a little bit about her and how she was affecting you. I can't tell you I wasn't jealous, but I realized then you'd moved on. I tried to move on as well. I wasn't as successful as you were. Part of my problem was I needed closure with you. I needed to say some things to you but I didn't really know how. Then this opportunity came along and I was given a second chance to at least rectify that mistake, even if I can't change any of the others. So Bill..."

She gently took my hand. Looking up at me the tears began to fill her eyes as she began to release some of the pain and frustration which had been buried for so long.

"My husband," she said softly, "and to me you'll always be my husband, I am so sorry. I can't imagine the disappointment and pain I've caused you. I'm ashamed of my actions and how they've ruined the most precious thing in my life, my marriage to you. And yes, it was the most precious thing, but I took my eyes off of guarding it. Instead of protecting it, I took it for granted and looked only at myself. In doing so I allowed it to be poisoned. In one evening I destroyed our family. I destroyed our future. Because of me, our children have had to split their time between their mother and father instead of simply enjoying us as a family."

I struggled to wrap my brain around what I was hearing. If I thought my mind was in chaos, it was nothing compared to my heart.

"What do you want, Deirdre? What are you hoping for?"

"What I want is a chance to be back in your life. What I hope is this little stunt they pulled will make you question if Karen is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with."

"You think I'll dump Karen and take you back?"

She smiled.

"I won't lie and tell you it doesn't sound good to me, but I know it can't happen like that. I know you and I know this little stunt has hurt your relationship with Karen more than she imagines it will. What I hope is that after this, your relationship with her isn't exclusive. I'm praying you begin dating other women again and you allow me to be one of them.

"Billy, I'm sorry for this ambush, not for me, because I finally get to bare my soul, but for you. Whatever you decide to do, please make sure you do it for you and not for anyone else. I know you've got a lot to think through, so I'll leave you in peace. I love you, Bill. Whatever you decide, I'm afraid I always will to some degree."

She gently touched my arm as she walked past me. I looked into her eyes and saw a tired sadness in them, mixed with relief. I felt the same weariness but not the relief.

I sat down on a patio bench, overwhelmed by Deidre's confession and proposition. After this much time, I questioned myself if there could ever be any type of relationship with my ex-wife, or even if I wanted one.

I heard the patio door open and felt her cautiously approach me. Her timid voice forced my mind to focus back on my fiancée, the woman who claimed she loved me.

"Will?"

I didn't look up. I was struggling to keep my thoughts and emotions separate, in fear they would ignite.

"Will, are we okay?"

"No," I said quietly, "and the fact you have to ask says a lot about our relationship."

"I know," she said holding back a sob. "I'm sorry."

"Problem is you're not sorry enough not to have done this to me. Even now, you'd do this to me again, right?"

"I'm sorry, Will," she said softly and sobbed. "But I needed so badly to know... to know that..."

"I know," I interrupted, "that I loved you more than my ex-wife even though I've countlessly told you that very thing. I guess actions speak louder than words, right?"

We were both silent for several moments, struggling to say what was needed. I finally sighed deeply and looked at her.

"I'm sorry, Karen, I tried," I said softly. "I tried to give you every reason to trust me, but you can't. I guess the fear and doubt from your past is so strong you're not able to."

"No!" she cried out. "That's not true! You've showed me today I can trust you. You did something very hard and painful and you did it for us!"

"No," I sighed, "I did it for you. All those earlier things, like couple's counseling? Those I did for 'us' but today? Today was entirely for you. So, you now telling me I passed some type of test is all well and good but I've to ask... at what cost?"

"I'm sorry, Will. I needed to know for certain."

"That's the problem. You needed, but what about my needs? Karen, you're not the only one with trust issues. You say you can now trust me but now it's evident I can't trust you. If I passed my test then you failed yours. Today your fears and insecurities overrode your supposed love for me.

"So what happens next week when something makes you doubt me or even us? What hoops will I have to jump through just to win your trust again?

"Karen," I said softly, "I can't live like that. I'm not strong enough to carry that load by myself, even for a little while. Maybe I'll be able to in the future, but not right now."

"Will, please, I'm so sorry," she said, her voice wavering. "Forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you," I said calmly. "But you knew I would, didn't you? You probably even counted on it to justify your actions."

She nodded slightly and lowered her head sheepishly.

"But things are different now aren't they?" she whispered.

I nodded.

"So where does that leave us?"

I sat there silently. I was tired, beyond tired, I was exhausted. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I didn't want to be betrayed any more either.

"I don't know. I know the engagement is off, but whether we still date is up to you."

"Will, that's not fair. I know I hurt you..."

"No, I don't think you do," I snapped. "Maybe if I contacted your ex-husband and son and set-up a surprise weekend get-away for just the three of you. Of course, I wouldn't tell you about it until you got there. Then you could get over any issues you still had with them!"

I looked into her eyes and saw a flash of realization begin to dawn. Her tears soon followed.

"Naturally, afterwards I would tell you it was for your own good and then remind you how proud I was of you for facing your demons! Maybe then you'd get an idea of how hurt I am."

Her tears were now flowing freely. I was surprised I didn't have the desire to rush to her aid. I suppose I was still numb.

"I'm so very sorry," she sobbed quietly.

"Me, too," I sighed, "Now we'll have to start all over again."

"Do you still love me?" she weakly asked.

"Yes, I think so. To be honest, I'm not sure what to think right now. I know I still care for you but... things have changed and I'm not sure in what ways."

"You know I love you, right?"

"That's probably a bad question to ask me right now, but yes. Yes, I believe you love me as much as you're able to right now."

"As much as I'm able to?" she asked softly.

I nodded.

"But that's not enough, is it?"

"I'd be lying if I said it was. Maybe someday our love will grow stronger, if it's what we both want."

"But in the meantime, we'll go back to just dating?"

I sighed. "I think that would be best."

"So will you be dating her as well?"

"Deidre? I... I don't know, maybe. I'd never even considered it before, and certainly not while we were together. I guess with things the way they are now I'll need to decide what to do about her.

"Look, Karen, I'm really tired. I need to go home and pack a few things. Fortunately, I still have my apartment, so I'll be staying there until we figure all this out. I'll call you in a few days and we can decide where we go from here."

I stood up and took her in my arms. I could feel the wetness of her tears on my chest. I kissed her on top of the head, pulled away and then I kissed her gently on the lips.

"Goodbye, Karen," I said and went back into my parent's house.

I knew I needed to say something to them. Closure is what Deidre had called it. My mind was racing but I could still hear the gentle sobbing of my ex-fiancée behind me.

I found both of my parents in the kitchen. Their looks told me what to expect. My mother had a worried but determined look while my father appeared to be barely controlling his anger. It would mean my mother would try to justify their actions while my father would tell me to just get over it. It was a routine they'd used most of my life. Unfortunately, it was about to come to an end.

"Well," my mother started, "that wasn't so bad now was it? "

"Depends on your perspective, I guess," I said calmly. "From mine, it was extremely painful."

"Sometimes doing the right thing hurts," my father growled. "You know that. "

"Yeah," I sighed. "That's what makes this so hard. Not only was it very difficult to talk to Deidra, it was even more painful to be stabbed in the back by those I used to trust. It won't happen again."