All Comments on 'Ray Ch. 02: Damsel'

I think I kept up proper. I will read it again this week. Bravo, Mistress Syptember Smyth!

Top notch, super sexy, and high quality. Just read Finn a few days ago, it was hard to put down. Started reading this one today.

Ray’s story has a more complex, more interesting set of characters. The weird dynamic between the protagonists is intriguing. I feel like we only scratched the surface here. Drop little background morsels slowly as you go, because right now they both form a huge riddle which I’m super curious about. The shift between the officer-slave was so well done. Believable without falling into cliché’. No damsels in distress were hurt during the making of this chapter.

Some of the supporting cast are amazing. The sex offender is scary as fuck (Like a little Hannibal the Cannibal - a stuff of nightmares, yummy). Madame Lex Is excellent too.

The back story is good, if a little unbelievable (Any institute like that would have security fully capable of handling problematic patients. People whos jut been assaulted, don’t think about sex – they might suffer sexual dysfunction for years after an assault. Maybe she’ll realize what really happened tomorrow?)

Some things I’d like to see. Not criticism, just friendly advice. Take it, don’t take it, your call. It’s your story.

Avoid generic characters. Like the cheap looking abusive dominatrix. Yeah, she’s there for a purpose, doesn’t mean she has to be so random. Cheap looking, no self-awareness, stupid? Really? Bigger antagonists will make your protagonists shine. Like Ben Alias reflects on Natalia. Maybe Elises is super hot, a local beauty queen worshiped by men. Maybe when we see her in real life she’s a teacher adored by her students. Something that makes her more interesting. It doesn’t need to be big of a something, but supporting cast need your loving imagination too.

I think you’re a romantic at heart, because your stories when all said and done are about two people who are crazy about each other and within the confines of their strange BDSM world find monogamy. Don’t change that, if that your thing – you should always write a story you always wanted to read not conform to what other expect of you (as you so beautifully said in your profile song). But challenge that. Within that frame you have set, don’t be afraid to rock the ship.

Why can’t Ray have real good fun with another Mistress? Hey, maybe you could redeem Elises by making her take the challenge and give Ray the best session he ever had. That would make her an interesting antagonist. Make It a weird love triangle? I want t see Natalia envy. I want to see Ray get envy. I want to see your heroes fall, and suffer, rise, fail, and rise again.

Whew. To sum it up, just wanted to say that I’m sure glad I found you. You’re the best story writer on this site. Thank you for sharing your talent with us.

You do give me a problem every time one of your offerings appears. It’s the temptation to give you 5⭐️‘s and then read the story. 😊

I’m glad that the you chose to make the dynamic between Natalie and Ray completely different from Morgan and Finn. It makes this a more gritty story and I can see the improvement in your writing. I can see why, for example, you use Lexi and Lexa to differentiate between “normal life” and “chateau life” but you have to make sure you use the correct name for the occasion. I assume you intend to use Elise/Elsa to specifically illustrate a particular point if you do intend to keep her.

I think you are aware by now of my opinion of your ability so I would like to make a specific grammatical observation. The action is set in the US so American English is, of course, necessary. You can’t talk about the bonnet of a car it has to be the hood. “Gotten” is not the correct word it’s “got” but as Americans say “gotten” then that’s the word that must be used for a story set in the US.

But “drug” is a pharmaceutical product. It’s a noun not a verb. Therefore “her tongue flicked against his earlobe and then drug its way over his outer ear” and “nails drug through his hair” is absolutely wrong. The word is “dragged”. I’ve read many stories in which American writers have used the word “drug” instead of “dragged” but never any about which I cared enough to make a comment. I hope I’ve put that in a way that doesn’t appear malicious.

As always I look forward to the next instalment.

This is sooooo good i read it past my bed time lol

Cant wait for the next

Post it soon please

This is amazin

your story captivstes the heart from the first paragraph.

Please post soon

Will be checking daily

@UrSquireG, allthatisfuta, Emirus, and anonymous x2

Thank you all so much for the feedback on this story. I know this story is very different from Finn, but I am trying my hardest to take risks in my writing and I have to go where my heart takes me. By your comments, however, I must be going in the right direction. Chapter 3 is almost complete and will hopefully be posted either towards the end of next week or the beginning of the week after.

The author has H for Hot for every story that he published.

This is in itself an accomplishment.

Most BDSM stories don't get half as much stars and get an average of 0 comments.

"Remanded to your facility unless arrested on felony charges"? Isn't assault a felony? I'm fairly sure it is.

Actually, assault and battery can result in either a misdemeanor or felony charge. Usually the severity of the charge is based on the severity of the injuries to the victim and if a weapon was used, though other factors are also taken into consideration. Feel free to google this information if you want to do further research on the subject.

You make me want to submit in so many ways...

Great chapter. I love the drive Natalie has in her job & her strength...strength enough to reward Ray for his assistance. Different to Finn but still excellent.