Regrets

"Why didn't I accept?" Gwen sighed deeply. "Well that's a bit complicated. One reason was I was still in love with my ex-husband."

"Mother!" Angie scolded again.

"No!" Gwen snapped back at her. "You don't get to tell me what I'm already very much aware of. You can't say anything I haven't heard or told myself a million times. None of you get to tell me what I feel.

"I love your father and I always will. I know it doesn't change anything but I'll always feel guilty for what I did. I'm learning to try to live with those feelings and move on. In some ways I have, but in other areas I'm still stuck.

"Angie sweetheart," Molly said softly, trying to calm the situation. "It's okay, I'm not jealous. I know how much your daddy loves me."

Gwen flinched slightly.

"I know that as well, Molly," Gwen continued, steadying herself. "That's why I felt like I could make that statement. I know you will forever have his love. I admit I'm jealous of that but it was my own doing.

"Please, I don't want anyone to think my feelings for Joe were the reason I turned down those marriage proposals. It's much deeper than that. Just like everyone in here, I questioned that if I really loved my husband like I said I did, how could I betray him like that? I wish I had an answer I could live with.

"So I compared my love for my would-be suitors to my love for Joe. And since my feelings for each of them wasn't as strong as my feelings for him, I had a problem. If I couldn't stay faithful to Joe how could I promise either of them my fidelity? I cared enough about them to turn each one down. At that time it was the right thing to do, since it wouldn't have been fair to them."

"I'm sorry," Molly gently spoke. "I'm sorry you're going through that."

Gwen smiled sadly.

"It's easy to see why Joe fell in love with you, Molly," she said sadly. "You're beautiful on both the inside and outside."

"Thank you but please," Molly said her face pinched with concern, "please don't make me out to be some kind of saint. I have my own regrets, Gwen. Most concern my first marriage but one in particular is related to Joe."

"Mom?" an alarmed Jessica questioned.

"No, it wasn't something terrible but it is something I'm ashamed of. Since Gwen has been so brave when talking about her regrets I'll try to follow suit.

"It happened a few months after Joe and I had started dating. Our dates had been quite hot and heavy but we hadn't umm... well we weren't..."

Molly paused, her face contorted as she struggled to find the appropriate words.

"Having sex?" Jessica said, smiling.

"You mean bumping uglies?" Angie added, snickering. "Hiding the sausage, doinking?"

"Girls!" Molly gasped.

"Knocking boots?" Jessica howled. "Hitting it, making babies?"

"Girls!" Molly barked, her face bright red.

Tim laughed along with the girls as Gwen quietly tried to hide her pained expression.

"What I was going to say," Molly said, trying to regain her composure, "was that Joe and I hadn't yet been intimate. I knew it had been a while for him, well both of us, and the sexual tension between us was complicating everything. Then I overheard a phone call."

It was obvious Molly was starting to get uncomfortable. Taking a deep breath she continued.

"I heard Joe talking to someone. At first I thought it was you, Angie, but now I realize I don't know who it was. But whoever it was, Joe was talking about possibly reconciling with Gwen.

"I knew I loved Joe but I was still so scared after the disaster of my first marriage. Even though my first husband had abandoned us nine years earlier, I had never let a man as close as I had Joe. I knew he was a good man and he would be a good father and a great husband. So I decided that he was mine.

"That week I shamelessly threw myself at him in an attempt to claim him and keep him solely focused on me. In short I seduced him."

"Mom," Jessica said, smiling. "I seriously doubt it took much seduction to get Dad's attention. I mean, damn! Every time I saw you two, you were always touching each other!"

"Seriously Molly," Angie added. "Daddy could never seem to keep his hands off of you."

"Your father has always been very affectionate." Molly replied.

Jessica snorted while Angie and Tim smiled.

"Is affectionate another word for horny?" Jessica grinned.

"Jess!" Molly scolded.

The three adult kids laughed. Gwen shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Mom," Jessica said still smiling. "I can't see why you'd regret showing the man you love how much you desired him."

"Sweetheart, I don't regret that, what I regret was it took the fear of losing him to bring me to that point. I also wonder what would've happened if I hadn't done that. Would Joe have waited on me? Would he have gone back to Gwen?

"Whatever would've happened I would've hoped he was happy. I know I've been more than satisfied with the life we've shared."

"Molly," Tim said gently. "Dad always says you and Jess saved him."

Molly nodded and softly laughed.

"I know he does," she said warmly, "but the truth is he saved us as well. After my ex took off I had some real trust issues. I dated off and on again for almost ten years but those issues were always in the way. I had trouble believing any man would want me for something other than just sex. Then Joe shattered those misconceptions."

"Well," Jess chuckled as she looked at her grinning stepsister.

"What?" Molly asked, her confusion clearly written on her face.

"Sure Dad wanted you for more than just sex."

"Of course he did, honey. He... oh... OH MY!"

Tim, Angie and Jess laughed as they watched Molly's face turn bright red again.

"Jessica Patterson you behave!" she replied fighting back a shy smile. "Your father's love has been so much more than just that!

"He's a good man and a great father. Even when he first got sick he was still looking out for us. I couldn't have prayed for a better, more loving husband. He's made these last eight years happier than I'd ever thought possible."

"I never realized Joe ever seriously considered reconciling with me," Gwen stated softly. "I wonder who he would've been talking to about something so personal."

"Well since this is apparently Jerry Springer Family Confession Day," Angie stated sarcastically. "That was probably me. Daddy and I had several conversations concerning that."

"I didn't realize you were so involved with his decisions back then," Molly said gently.

Angie sighed, looked over at Jess then back to Molly.

"More than you can probably guess as well," Angie said calmly. "I knew Daddy was at a crossroads back then, whether to live in the past or to move forward. He told he was falling in love with you Molly and if he didn't break it off then he'd probably ask you to marry him. He said he still had feelings for Mom though. He told me you can't be married to someone for that long and not still have some feelings for them.

"I asked him about those feelings. He told me where once they had been almost purely love now they were a mixture of love and hate, anger and bitterness, weariness and despair. He was struggling on whether to go back and try to work out those feelings or to start fresh. Naturally since I'd been trying to set him up with Molly, I pushed him that way."

"You tried to set him up with other women?" Gwen said sadly. "I didn't realize you hated me that much."

"Mom, like I said I don't hate you but this wasn't about you. This was about Daddy. I saw what your affair did to him, it almost killed him. On the outside he might have appeared strong and calm but on the inside he was bleeding to death.

"I stayed with him that summer after you told him about your affair. It was a month after your confession and all hell was breaking loose. I can't tell you the number of nights I'd go up to his room to check on him and hear him crying. He wouldn't cry in front of me but when he was alone in his room he'd let the pain out. I'd sit quietly outside his door in the hallway and cry with him."

Tears filled Gwen's eyes as she slowly shook her head.

"I never knew," she said quietly. "I knew I'd hurt him but I never saw any signs of his pain other than his occasional angry outbursts."

"That's because he never wanted you to see it. He didn't want you to have the satisfaction of knowing how badly you'd wounded him."

"I never meant to hurt him like that. I was selfish and totally focused on what I wanted and needed but I didn't maliciously try to hurt your father."

"Whether you did it intentionally or just through your stupidity isn't really important, Mom, the fact was you did it. So when he was faced with the choice of going back to a wife who'd cheated on him and poisoned years of good memories or starting again with a woman who loved him and would never cheat on him, I pushed for the latter. We all know it would've taken months or years of working though the trust issues just to get to a level he could begin to relax and be happy again with you, Mom. So hell yes I pushed for him to start fresh with Molly!

"I do regret manipulating him a little. And I even sort of feel bad that I had a hand in making sure you two didn't get back together. But to be honest, Mother, this wasn't about you anymore. This was about my father's happiness and I believed and still believe he was happier with Molly than going back and trying to wade through all the bullshit of rebuilding his marriage with you."

"Angie, I didn't realize you had played matchmaker so well," Molly interjected gently. "I'm torn slightly between scolding you and hugging you and thanking you!"

"Well," Jessica interjected, "she didn't do it quite alone. I've got my own confession to add to all this."

"Jess?" Molly asked in surprise.

"Mom, you know I met Angie in college. She was an upperclassman who was tutoring me my first year. We became friends and it didn't hurt that she had a cute younger brother a couple years older than me."

She looked at Tim and sadly smiled before turning back to her mother.

"I was still living at home and Angie came over several times. I could tell she was watching you very closely. When I confronted her about it she shared her thoughts that you and her father would be perfect together. I was going to move onto campus the next year and was worried about you being left alone. I guess that was when we conspired to find a way to get you two together to see if there was any chemistry.

"I'd gone out with Tim a couple of times before Angie invited me to stay the weekend at their house. When I first met Dad, I mean Joe, I fell in love with him immediately."

Angie snorted a laugh.

"She fell for him almost as quickly as you did, Molly," Angie snickered.

"Bullshit!" Jessica snapped, smiling, "I fell for him at least a full week faster than my mother did. It took her that long to pull her head out of her butt and accept the fact she loved him too."

"Jess, language!" Molly stated firmly before allowing a small grin to escape.

Jessica playfully stuck her tongue out at her mother and smiled innocently.

"Anyway, since I was hooked, we began planning on how to get you two together. Angie came up with the idea of inviting both of you and I for a weekend visit. I'm sorry to say the story we used to cover our plan was that I was really into Tim and wanted my Mom to meet him."

Jessica turned to Tim.

"I'm sorry, Tim, I guess I never really apologized to you for giving you the impression I was more serious about us than I really was. You were a great guy when we were dating and I was obviously very attracted to you but—"

"But you weren't in love with me, I know," Tim interjected. "I couldn't figure out what was going on at first. I knew I cared more for you than you did for me but that first visit to my home was a surprise.

"Then after seeing you with my dad I was even more confused. I won't tell you that a guy's ego doesn't take a hit when his girlfriend falls more for his father than she does for him but after your next visit with your mom, I finally understood. Up till then I was afraid I'd fallen for a girl with some serious daddy issues!"

"Well," Jessica laughed, "I guess in a way I did! I don't know too many nineteen-year-olds who change their last name when their mother remarries. Even though we never lived under the same roof, he's been more of a father than any other man ever has."

"Well," Tim grinned, "after seeing your mom and watching Dad's reaction to her and you, it was very obvious. I'd forgotten how long it'd been since I'd seen him smile and laugh like that."

The silent room was filled with both reminiscent smiles and troublesome regrets.

"Well," Tim said quietly, "since everyone else has confessed to some deep dark secret, I guess it's my turn.

With all eyes turned to him, Tim cleared his throat.

"I just wanted to let you all know that you'll probably read something in the papers next week that might upset you. And yes, it's true... I am a lost Kardashian sister and I've recently become engaged to Bruce, excuse me, Caitlyn Marie Jenner!"

"Asshole!" Angie snorted.

The room filled with sporadic laughter, a stark contrast to the earlier mood.

"Just like his father," both Gwen and Molly said simultaneously.

The two women stared at each other in surprise before Tim interjected again.

"Thank you," he said, smiling warmly, "I can't think of a better compliment."

The room slowly drained of the small chuckles and settled into an uneasy quietness before Gwen gracefully stood up.

"Molly," she said with a small sad smile, "thank you again for allowing me to come here today. I'm still trying to move on. This meeting was a big step for me. Thank you for letting it happen."

"You're very welcome, Gwen, and I hope you are able to go on and have a wonderful life. This was mainly Joe's decision even though we both felt some good could come from this. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have agreed to it. I won't let anyone hurt my husband."

"I wish..." Gwen whispered, "I wish I'd been that passionately loyal."

She looked over at her son.

"Tim, would you drive me to my hotel?"

He nodded and gathered his things. Gwen looked back at the fragile man sleeping in the bed.

"Molly, please tell Joe he's in my prayers. So are you and Jessica."

"I will and thank you."

Gwen turned and slowly walked out of the room. Once safely on the other side of the door the tears began to stream down her face and she quietly sobbed. She realized that was the last time she'd see the love of her life alive.

****

Two and a half weeks later, Joseph Randall Patterson, age 53, passed away. He died in his sleep while he was at home, surrounded by his loving family.

The graveside service had been bittersweet. Molly had sat between Jessica and Angie in the front row. Much to the surprise of some in attendance, Gwen also sat in the front row between Angie and Tim. After the service, friends and family had given their condolences and then left, heading for the family reception. Now all three adult children surrounded Molly as they stood by the limos.

"Molly," Angie said in a gentle voice, "I want to thank you again. I never thought I'd see Daddy smile again after the divorce, but you and Jess brought that back into his life. You reminded him he could love again and there was no doubt he loved you both."

Molly reached over and gently took her hand.

"Never forget how much he loved you and Tim. He was always so proud of you two."

"We know," Tim said, smiling sadly, "but divorces make it hard on everyone. Even though Angie and I had already left home, their divorce was hard on us. We wanted to be there for Dad because he was so hurt and angry but we weren't able to be there every day. We're so grateful he found you.

"Angie and I also want to thank you for how you treated Mom these last few weeks. You've allowed her to say goodbye to Dad and be a part of celebrating his life today. Not a lot of people would've allowed an ex-spouse to do that."

"Oh honey, your dad and I knew it was important to Angie and you, as well as your mother."

"It means more than you know," Angie added softly. "When Daddy fell in love with you he was able to move on with his life, but Mom never really has. Hopefully you and Daddy allowing her to say goodbye will help. Molly, not only did you give my Daddy a new life, you might've allowed my mom to do the same."

"Your father and I love you both so..." Molly started to say before her voice cracked. "I love you both."

Molly tried to stifle a sob as she reached out to lean against the limo. The tears began to stream down her face.

"I'm going to miss him so much," she sobbed.

Tim stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her as she buried her face into his chest and wept. The two younger women held each other as they watched her grieve the loss of her love. Slowly she regained her composure and the group solemnly turned their attention to a solitary woman who was kneeling beside the gravesite.

Oblivious to her audience the woman there quietly sobbed. She gently stroked the cold marble headstone as she whispered the things of her heart to the man she once called husband.

Angie and Tim silently walked over and stood on either side of their mother.

"Momma," Angie whispered gently. "It's time to go."

****

"Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you." - Shannon L. Alder