Relationships, Polyamory & Sex 101

I'm a middle-aged straight guy, and a musician by profession. I've been lucky enough at this point to have had lots of wonderful as well as educational experiences in the areas of relationships, polyamory and sex, and I've heard many stories along the line of other people's experiences in these areas. I thought I'd share a few random insights, in case anyone out there might find them useful.

Trouble meeting interesting potential lovers? It's hard. Or rather, it can be. It can also be really easy. I remember when it was hard, though. There are a few tricks. Being desperate doesn't help - that's usually a real turn-off. Of course it's hard not to be desperate when you've been lonely for months or years, so that's a tough one. Ideally, stop thinking about it, turn off your computer, don't bother with any dating sites, and go live your life. That's the sexiest thing you can do. Specifically, when I say live your life, I mean pursue what interests you in a serious way. Guys who are really into something are much sexier. From my experience, if what you're really into involves playing really good music and writing really good songs of pretty much any genre, that's a sure-fire sexual strategy. If your passion is tax accounting, that might not be so good. But generally, passion for something (other than meeting a woman) is good.

So say you've met someone. Concerned about making an unwanted sexual advance? Use your words. That's the main trick there. Don't touch someone (aside from a handshake, or if they're French or Spanish or something, a kiss on the cheek) without explicit verbal consent. It's really not hard. By the time you feel like it might be time to express romantic interest, probably (hopefully) you've been hanging out and talking for at least a couple hours, and there should by then be all sorts of not-so-subtle signs of potential interest coming your way. By then, if you say, while keeping your physical distance, in a very calm and nonthreatening way, "I'd really like to kiss you," the worst thing that's likely to happen is she'll reject you in a nice way, and she might even be flattered that you were interested. If you're good at reading signs of interest (or lack thereof), though, then she'll respond with enthusiasm to this request the vast majority of the time. Alternatively, you can wait til she takes the initiative. This will work sometimes, but oftentimes not, since women in our patriarchal society are trained from a very early age not to take that kind of initiative.

Oh, speaking of patriarchy... If you're like most men in most societies, you've got all sorts of stuff you need to unlearn. Like, for example, you should know that there are big societal pressures on women to think sex is dirty and not enjoyable, men are self-interested and just want to use you, being into open relationships means you're a slut (which is bad), etc. You should be aware of these things, and be careful. But you should also know that despite these messages women receive, most of the women you'll meet actually enjoy sex, under the right circumstances, and many of them are not interested in monogamy or any of the traditional things you've been led to understand they all want.

OK, so say you've met someone you like. Whether it's at the beginning of the connection, or it's been going on for weeks or months or years, if you want to remain a person of interest to her, you need to not only be an interesting person with some kind of passion in life, but you need to be interested in her. That is, not self-absorbed. Self-absorbed people are really boring, and even annoying. Roughly, for every question she asks you, you should have a question for her. And you shouldn't need to count that. It should be genuine interest. You ask a question about something, and then, rather than relating her answer to something from your own life experience, ask a follow-up question. Don't be shy about answering her questions, but when you're trying to get to know her, what she thinks, what makes her tick, pretend you're a journalist doing an interview with a really interesting person who has opinions and knowledge that other people might be very interested in, too. (Hopefully you don't need to pretend, either. Interesting guys already know what the term "citizen journalist" means. And DIY media.)

You don't need to trick her in order to get her into the sack. You just need to be yourself, and be honest. Hopefully she likes you just the way you are. And if she doesn't, the whole thing is probably a bad idea. Likewise, if you don't like her the way she is, it's a bad idea to go further with it. Getting into a relationship with someone you know you're going to want to change in some significant (or even minor) way is just a bad idea. If you're looking for a relationship with someone who doesn't like to drink, don't think about meeting someone at the pub. If you're looking for a healthy, happy open relationship, it's best to hook up with someone who's already in one. Not someone who says she's into the idea but has never tried it before. That might work out, but usually not.

Once you're in a relationship, you can't make assumptions about how it's supposed to go. You have to use your words. Polyamory does not mean "anything goes." There are rules, and the rules vary with each different relationship. Each one is its own thing. You have to figure out together what the rules are in your relationship. Do we share intimate details of our other relationships or do we hardly ever mention they exist? Do we hang out with our other lovers together or not? Is it OK if we're spending loads of time together and then suddenly disappearing for weeks when we meet someone new, or is that kind of behavior totally disruptive and uncool? You gotta talk about this stuff, not just assume you know the answers.

OK, sex. No two people are completely alike. This fact remains very much the case in the sack. There are all sorts of different tendencies within the kink community that really make for a vast spectrum. But even within more "normal" circles, there's a wide variety. However, whether you've hooked up with a woman who doesn't mind sexual intercourse but really gets off much more from cunnilingus, or a woman who has an endless stream of vaginal orgasms, who only truly gets off on lots of hard fucking, there are certain skills you need to master. Some of them include the ability to communicate verbally, the ability to read nonverbal cues, the ability to eat her the way she likes it, and the ability to maintain an erection for hours at a time (while engaged in stimulating sexual activity).

Especially when you're unclear about physical cues, using your words can go a long way. Many people might not want to say anything that you might perceive as critical, but if you ask them if what you're doing feels good, or if you could be doing anything better, and make it very clear you'd really like their feedback, they just might give it to you. This will help you do it better, whatever it is. That's good.

Not getting verbal or physical cues that are easy to read? Is she unusually still and quiet? Could be she's having a flashback from a traumatic experience, which sex tends to trigger. Good idea then to pull out or otherwise stop whatever you're doing, lie beside her, perhaps gently stroking her hair or something like that, and ask her if everything's OK. No response? Assuming she's still breathing and does not require medical attention, just keep waiting patiently until she comes out of her dissociative state.

Getting cues that don't seem positive? Unless you've pre-established very clearly and verbally that you're exploring some kind of more violent sort of fantasy, stop whatever you're doing and then ask questions. But you don't want to stop? Stop anyway, you self-absorbed idiot.

In terms of cunnilingus, first of all, if you want to get good at it, you need to stop looking at it as a means to an ends. This is not "foreplay." The goal is not to get her wet enough so you can fuck her, although that may be a likely outcome. The process is the goal, and the process and the goal is about giving her pleasure, which you should enjoy immensely, because you hopefully like her a lot or you wouldn't be in bed with her in the first place. Every woman's genitalia is different. Some like it very gentle, where you're barely making contact. Others like it rougher. Some like lots of direct clitoral contact. For many, direct contact is too much most or all of the time. Some really like fingers or other things inside their vagina during cunnilingus, others don't. You figure it out. You know you're on to something when the breathing gets heavier, the pelvis starts moving more, things are getting wetter, and of course when you make her come. Keep learning, pay close attention to all forms of feedback, subtle or overt.

Having erectile issues? That's very common, according to just about every woman I've ever talked to about these things. I used to come much quicker than I wanted to when I was young, too. I know older men especially who have trouble getting it up. There are many good books written on these subjects, a couple of which I've read. (Mantak Chia is very good.) But I'll summarize how I learned to stop coming prematurely a long time ago.

Psychologically, I think part of the reason why so many men come prematurely is the internal dialog they're having, which is based on their mistaken notions of sexuality. They're thinking something like, I've managed to convince this woman to go to bed with me, and now I'm taking advantage of her, and she's not enjoying herself. Pretty soon she'll have had enough and will want me to stop, so I better come before then, since coming is my goal here, and not coming is terribly frustrating.

Or maybe you're not thinking any of those things, but it's just a question of being so excited by the time you actually get inside her, that you can't stand the excitement anymore and you just come right away.

Either way, I found it helpful to realize that generally, women I was lovers with actually enjoyed sexual intercourse, and wanted me to be fucking them, and actually that they wanted me to fuck them for a longer period of time than I was generally capable of back when.

Regardless of the psychological aspects, though, there are basic physical/psychological exercises to engage in and internalize that will, over the course of a few months or years of practice, retrain your dick to behave more like you (and your lovers) want it to.

First, internalize the fact that coming is not the goal. Coming is something you don't need to do very often. Coming is the act that will briefly feel very good, then lead you to be physically tired and emotionally withdrawn, if you're like most men. Why bother? It's boring. Much more fun is not coming, and being able to enjoy gentle or vigorous sexual intercourse and other sexual activities as long as you and your partner want to engage in them.

But, you may be wondering, when I'm about to come I'm just so outrageously excited I can't possibly do anything to stop it. Wrong. But whatever you're doing to stop it from happening isn't working. Probably because you're trying to use "control" in the sense of more tension in order to stop the orgasm, or you're trying to trick your mind by imagining really unsexy things or something like that. The former tactic will tend to backfire spectacularly, and the latter tactic is just boring and distracting, even if it might work sometimes.

The trick with this, like with so many things (such as playing a musical instrument well) is relaxing. No, I don't mean relaxing to the point that you lose your erection (or drop the pick from between your fingers, to extend the music analogy). I mean relaxing in the sense of breathing, circulating that energy so it doesn't all get physically stuck in your genital area. Yes, I know I sound like a hippie, but it's true. You can feel it. The energy gets stuck, I'm not making it up. Breath, deeply. Feel that energy get unstuck. Feel it circulate through your body. It feels good. Stop moving your dick in and out as you feel that energy. If she doesn't stop moving, tell her to stop for a minute. If she's been around the block, she'll know just what's going on and will want to stop, too, unless she just wants to get it over with, in which case she won't.

If the energy is circulating properly you won't get all frustrated, whether or not you come, and you won't get the phenomenon known as "blue balls" or whatever else they call it. It takes a while. Stick with it. After a while, you won't need to consciously circulate the energy or remember to breath, etc. It will just be the natural thing you do, no effort required.

On the other hand, if you have issues with getting it up, or what they call Erectile Dysfunction, while this is not an area of expertise for me, I have had this experience in limited ways on occasion and I can tell you what's worked for me.

Obviously, first of all, it may be a blood circulation issue. If you're overweight, lose weight, and get aerobic exercise regularly, and see if that helps. Viagra can work well, too.

I find I have trouble getting it up during the first few days of a new relationship. I also find it harder to maintain an erection when condoms are involved. It helps to find condoms that fit you, not too tightly or too loosely. Either too tight or too loose can really mess things up. Learn how to use lubricant if necessary (and even with women who naturally lubricate a lot, condoms dry things up and usually lubricant is necessary).

A big, big obstacle to getting and maintaining an erection is coming too often. Stop. Why do you need to come? Are orgasms so good that you'd rather suffer the rest of the time? Just stop. You don't need them. Try not coming for a week and then see if you can then get and maintain an erection easily after that. That would be the first thing I'd try.

But when you don't come, you have trouble getting to sleep, I can hear some dude saying. Is that your complaint? Keep breathing. In a few minutes, you'll probably be fine, and you'll get to sleep almost as well as if you came. Or maybe you don't want to roll over and go to sleep. Maybe, like many women, she'd rather talk, or get up and do something else before bed. Maybe she'd like to take a short break and then fuck some more. You'll be up for any of that if you don't come. Much better.

Other factors that will affect your libido include more obvious things like whether you're not at all stressed out, whether you're eating and sleeping regularly and things like that, as well as whether you find your partner to be especially attractive or not. For some, whether he's in love with her or not makes a huge difference. Another factor that can make a big difference is if you're lucky enough to hook up with someone who shares what may be a common or less common fetish of one sort or another.

I think that sums up the major points. Hope you found this useful. Feedback welcome.