Ridiculust Ch. 01

"Well, now I know where she is," muttered Emma, earning a questioning look from Roger. "Let's get your laundry started and look at the sideshow after," she sighed. The woman on the table didn't seem to have noticed them, being more focused on what she was doing, and Emma opened the door of the washer nearest to the entrance of the room and began hastily transferring Roger's clothing inside.

"Mandy has to stay in house. Mandy can't go outside to fuck town males," muttered the woman as she reamed herself out with the dildo. Roger felt ashamed of himself for not being able to stop watching her neatly trimmed, mostly silver, bush rising and falling as she bucked into the dildo with soft squishing noises. He suddenly realized that the smell in the room was partly aroused female, but largely of strong alcohol. "Mandy ... coming ... urrghh!" she groaned and grimaced, and the dildo was expelled with enough force to send it to land with a rubbery thump several inches away. She sat up with a startled yell when Emma deliberately slammed the washer's door, reached up for a bottle of liquid detergent, measured some into its cup, poured it into the dispenser, and started the machine.

"Mandy, you don't look well," said Roger with concern as he moved down the left side of the table. She was weaving slightly and her warm, brown eyes were unfocused. "You should get off the table before you fall and get hurt." He used the same soothing voice as he'd used when speaking to the fox. Mandy's eyes managed to focus on him as Emma moved down the other side of the table.

"A man has come to Mandy," she said, swiveling with surprising nimbleness, scooting to the edge of the table and propelling herself into Roger's open arms, sending them both back to bump into a dryer. She was not that much shorter than his six-foot-one. "Mandy wants to get to know this man better." She ground her crotch into his. He felt the heat, and his body reacted. She looked down and got a surprised look. Roger's shorts had a telltale bulge in them, and it was glowing with a shifting pattern of forest green, yellow, and turquoise. "Mandy definitely wants to get to know this man better." Emma had also seen the glow and looked astonished. Mandy's face was nose to nose with Roger's, and her expression suddenly changed from predatory to anguished.

"Help me," she whispered as Emma grabbed her shoulders. "Get this thing out of me. Please." Her expression suddenly reverted, then got woozy and she burped loudly, giving Roger a load of alcoholic fumes that made him cough. "Mandy don't feel so good," she said, turning a bit green. Roger and Emma hustled her to the bathroom and got her positioned in front of the toilet just in time, and they quickly backed out as she began to throw up.

"What's going on?" Roger whispered as they stood by the laundry room's exit.

"Aunt Sarah seems to have gotten possessed by something," Emma whispered back. "She came back from a vacation in Toronto yesterday and was fine when she dropped by in the afternoon. Something must have happened after she'd left because we started getting phone calls last night about her behaving strangely, wandering around like she was drunk, which she was, accosting various men and trying to have sex with them, but running off whenever the cops showed up. We finally managed to bring her back here about an hour before the storm hit, but she'd gotten out of our apartment and we didn't know where she was, until now."

"How awful!" Roger exclaimed as the retching noises seemed to be subsiding. "What on Earth could have done that to her?"

"Weird stuff has been happening in the town for the past five days or so," she replied. "General opinion is that it's related to the Magic Plague, and possibly even to puns of all things." She checked out his shorts, which were back to normal. "Speaking of strange things, was your cock glowing back there?"

"Uh, maybe it was a flashlight that I had in my pocket?" He could withstand only a few seconds of her stare before he grinned and turned red. "That started yesterday, during last night's storm. I was enjoying a glass of wine with someone on her deck when a bolt of lighting passed overhead and forked into three. We both felt a strong jolt and ran inside, where we discovered this new, um, ability."

"I need to sleep now," said the unwell woman in a more normal voice after they heard the toilet flush and the sounds of hands being washed. "Whatever that thing is in my head seems to be knocked out, at least for the moment." Roger and Emma both hurried to support her and, after some effort, managed to get her up the stairs and to the lobby.

"Sarah! Thank God they found you!" Julia exclaimed. "We were worried sick! Thank you so much for your help, Roger. Emma and I will take her back to our apartment. If you want, you can go to the restaurant and get something to eat. It's still before 5:00," she added, checking her watch, "but they will have the dinner menu available." Roger helped Julia replace him.

"I could be a bit hungry," he said. His stomach gurgled in agreement, getting some chuckles. "I will take your advice. Please let me know how she's doing." The three women went down the passage while he walked to the door of the restaurant, where he stood by the "Please Wait to Be Seated" sign next to the empty hostess station until he was noticed a minute later. The restaurant occupied the right front corner of the house, extending about thirty feet ahead before making a left turn and going perhaps another thirty feet towards the back of the house. A gleaming bar of either oak or maple (he couldn't tell the difference), complete with tall padded chairs and shelves well-stocked with both bottles and glassware, was to his left, while a row of two-seat tables was to the right, next to the windows. There were some early customers at distant tables, from whom a murmur of conversation and clinking cutlery and glasses emanated. The décor was a pleasant shade of blue paint on the walls, with wood trim around the windows that matched the bar, dark blue curtains held back by ties, and tulip light fixtures evenly spaced along the walls. The overall effect was refined and elegant, and Roger took an immediate liking to it, hoping that the food was as good as the place looked.

"A table for one, please," he addressed the matronly server who walked over after serving a plate to one of the customers. She picked up a menu from a pile on the hostess station and replied,

"Right this way, please," in a pleasant voice. Her no-nonsense demeanor spoke of years in the service industry, and he smiled and followed her to a table near the corner. "Would you like something to drink while you look over the menu?" she asked as he seated himself, facing away from the entrance.

"A ginger ale, please," he responded. "I'll have something a little stronger once I get some food into me," he added, looking into her brown eyes. As if on cue, his stomach gurgled. "Oops, Timmy Tum-Tum needs some yum-yums," he said with a wink. Her somewhat stern expression dissolved as she giggled at the unexpected silliness. Roger glanced at the menu and said "How about the garden salad with the raspberry vinaigrette and the baked salmon?"

"No problem at all," she replied. "We'll get Timmy all filled up in no time," she said with a smile and a wink of her own, taking the menu and walking briskly towards the kitchen. Roger idly watched her broad hips and her shoulder-length hair, clearly dyed to the colour that is at the border between dark blonde and light brown, sway back and forth as she moved, then pulled out his phone and checked the weather radar. It looked like the promised cold front wouldn't arrive until later that evening, so he figured he'd be able to walk about and see what Friday night had to offer in Arbroath. He was startled when someone sat down in the chair across from him, and he looked up to see Julia, who was looking tired and stressed.

"How is Mandy, uh, Sarah doing?" he asked.

"Resting," she replied, rubbing her temples absently. "Sarah was always quiet and introverted, so when we started getting calls about her behaviour, we knew that something was wrong. Once we'd gotten her here, she said that being drunk was the only thing that she could think of to keep it under control. She apparently made the mistake of saying something that apparently summoned it. It doesn't seem to be that smart, which is good, but how the hell are we going to get rid of it? Hi, Marcie," she greeted the waitress, who had returned with Roger's salad and a glass of ginger ale on a serving tray. She stood next to Julia and bent over to put the plate and glass in front of Roger, giving him a long look down her white, scoop-necked blouse with a lacy trim. He was sure this was no accident, given how efficiently she otherwise was doing her job.

"Thank you very much, Marcie. This looks great!" It was unclear whether he was referring to the food or the view. His stomach gurgled hopefully.

"I think that this will help satisfy Timmy Tum-Tum," she giggled as she turned to face Julia. "Would you care for anything, Julia?" Julia raised an eyebrow as she struggled to maintain a neutral expression.

"No thanks, Marcie. I'm just checking to see how the guest that the storm blew in is doing."

"I'll have a glass of white wine to go with my fish, please," said Roger after crunching through the first bite of the salad. "This is really good!" he added.

"No problem," she replied, making a note on a paper on the tray and walking off to check on another table.

"What brings you to Arbroath?" Julia asked as he all but inhaled his salad and drink.

"Dreams," he replied between bites. At her elevated eyebrows, he elaborated. "Dreams of my late wife telling me that I needed to take a hiking vacation, that it had to be from July 28th to August 1st, and it had to be from Bolton to here. She was very insistent and wouldn't leave me alone until I set it up and got started. I have no idea what weird facet of my subconscious was generating the dreams, but ultimately, they're what brought me here. Oh, thank you, Marcie." She had arrived with his main course and glass of wine, just as he'd finished the salad and ginger ale. "What are the weird events that have been occurring here?"

"Someone's hair turned pink with purple polka-dots. A tropical plant appeared out of nowhere. A tree in the park played all of Sesame Street's greatest hits for three hours."

"Is it an Elm-o tree?" Roger deadpanned. There was a loud pop and a fuzzy red Elmo stuffed toy appeared on the table. They both cried out in surprise. It had a price tag on it, identifying its source as a local toy shop. "It looks like I've taken shoplifting to a whole new level."

"Puns have consequences, Mister Matheson," said Julia.

"Beyond social ostracism, it seems," he snickered, ignoring her quelling look. "All my life, I've dreamed of the time when I could make a real impact with my hobby, but instead I may have to stop and think about what I say." He finished the wine and placed the glass on the table. "That was good!"

"Well, if a pun probably caused her problem," she mused, "maybe a pun or two could solve it." Her looking over his shoulder made him turn around to see Sarah and Emma at the entrance to the restaurant. Sarah had changed into a dark blue dress with white vertical pinstripes that went below the knee. It had a high, conservative neckline, and it accentuated her figure without revealing much. Her shoes were low-heeled and matched the dress well, but she walked awkwardly, as though she wasn't in complete control of her body. Her face looked haggard, with no make-up on, but Roger could see how she was still attractive, with high cheekbones, a prominent nose, a wide, sensual mouth with what would probably be a dazzling smile, and dark brown eyes that one could get lost in, were they not masked by pain.

"Hmm," he said as they stood up to greet the incoming pair, "I have an idea on some to try."

"Mandy found man with glowing cock," said Sarah in a gravelly voice, swaying slightly as she and Emma stopped a couple of paces away. Julia made a gesture at Roger to Emma, who nodded with a pained expression. Sarah's eyes seemed to have a disturbing reddish glint to them. "Cock is not glowing for Mandy. Mandy will fix that."

"No need for that, Mandy," he replied. "I can do it myself." He cast his mind back to yesterday, just inside Jennifer's sliding doors to her deck as he had assisted with the removal of her clothes, with plenty of squeezes, strokes, and smooches. He remembered her undoing his shorts and pulling them and his underwear down to reveal his glowing cock, and her immediately stuffing it into her mouth. He directed his attention to Sarah and imagined making love to her without Mandy. His thoughts had their desired effect, as he could tell by the expressions of the three women, plus Marcie, who had come over to see what was going on. His shorts had the tell-tale bulge, and it was glowing brightly in his three shifting colours. "You want this, don't you, you sordid creature."

"Mandy will have that glowing cock," was the reply. "Mandy will fuck it. You cannot resist."

"I don't know about that," he drawled, waggling his hips. As the words formed in his mind, he felt something shift, and the light from his shorts became brighter and the colours swirled faster. "I think that the pun is mightier than the sordid." To everyone's surprise, including his, a bolt of green, yellow, and turquoise light shot from his cock and struck Sarah's forehead, sending her staggering back into Emma's arms. It had the unfortunate side-effect of blowing a hole through his shorts and underwear, causing his cock, which was nice and thick and about seven inches long, to pop out for all to see. "Let me give you a demon-stration of what puns can do." Another bolt of colours slammed into Sarah's forehead.

"Get out of my head, you fucker!" she shouted, making everyone jump. Her hands were suddenly glowing in rapidly-swirling patterns of royal blue, brick red, and yellow. She grabbed at her head, gave the impression that she was reaching inside, and pulled her arms forward. There was a gravelly howl of pain from Mandy as a formless black shape was pulled from Sarah's head and she held it in front of her, an expression of total rage on her face.

"If we don't pay the exorcist, will Sarah get repossessed?" Roger asked, and a third, weaker bolt of energy struck the struggling black form, making it flare in his colours before Sarah ripped it apart. The demon Mandy exploded loudly in a flash that left sparkles of all six colours in the air that quickly fizzled into nothingness. The entire room was totally silent. Several people waiting at the door, plus some of the kitchen staff who'd come out to find out what the ruckus was about, plus two diners, were watching in open-mouthed astonishment. Eight had phones out, recording. With difficulty, Sarah directed her attention to Roger. The glow on her hands faded away, and she said,

"Thank you." Then her eyes rolled up in her head and she fainted, with Emma and Marcie catching her and gently lowering her to the floor.

"I am going to need new shorts and underwear," said a red-faced Roger. Try as he might, the damage was too great for him to keep his fitfully glowing cock inside his shorts, but in a moment of inspiration, he pulled off his T-shirt and stuck it in the waistband so that it hung to cover him as an improvised loincloth. "I should check the laundry to get my things into the dryer," he muttered, but he didn't move. Sarah's eyelids fluttered as Marcie fanned her with a menu and she groaned softly.

"How are you, Sarah?" asked Julia, holding her right hand.

"It's gone, thank the Goddess," she said blearily as she was helped to a sitting position. "Or thank the Roger," she was able to add with a weak grin directed at him. Roger smiled back at her.

"I am so glad that I was able to help you," he replied as she was hauled to her feet by Marcie and Julia, winding up practically nose-to-nose with him. "If everything that I've gone through these past five days was just to lead to this, then it was worth it."

"You're so sweet," she said, staring into the hazel eyes behind his wire-rimmed glasses, as he stared into her brown eyes behind her dark-rimmed glasses. "I will get myself cleaned up and take you out on the town, to say thank you, if you have nothing else planned?"

"Nothing more than getting myself some clothes that I can wear without attracting undue attention," he replied dryly, giving Marcie, who was eyeing his T-shirt speculatively, a stare. "There are customers awaiting your attention."

"Aw, you're no fun at all," she giggled, moving off to greet the people who had been waiting patiently at the entrance.

"Oh, I should pay the bill," Roger realized, grabbing the Elmo from the table.

"This one is on the house," Julia replied firmly, but he still pulled out a five-dollar bill to put on the table as a tip for Marcie. They all moved toward the entrance, and the incoming and outgoing people had to move around each other in order to reach their goals. "It's the least that I can do to thank you for saving my sister."

"Thank you very much!" Emma led him downstairs, while Julia and Sarah retreated to the apartment in the rear of the building. The washer had finished and the clothes and pack were transferred into a dryer, which she set and started.

"Oh, dear, I'd better clean this up!" Emma exclaimed, looking at the table, which still had the pink, translucent dildo sitting on it. "I think that Sarah will, uh, want this," she added, turning red as she picked it up with thumb and forefinger and transferred it to the bathroom's sink.

"Can I help?" Roger asked, peering over her shoulder as she rinsed the thing off. It was about eight or nine inches long, nice and thick, and had strategically placed bumps and ridges all over it.

"No, I'll be all right," she replied, looking over her shoulder. She was feeling a little warm, knowing that there was only an easily ripped-off T-shirt between that glowing cock and her hands, which were now handling a dildo that had been reaming out her Aunt Sarah's pussy. "You've done more than enough. The dryer should be finished in about forty-five minutes. I'll clean up the mess down here. Shoo!" He grinned at her and backed away, giving her some space.

"Doing nothing comes naturally to me," he replied. "Thanks for handling the laundry for me." He left the room and went up the stairs, leaving Emma alone in the laundry's washroom. After rinsing off the dildo with soap and water, she got some disinfectant wipes from the shelf above the washers and thoroughly wiped down the table. But try as she might, she could not get her mind off of Roger's glowing cock, or what the dildo had been doing, and she felt herself getting hotter between her legs.

"Fuck," she muttered, entering the bathroom, closing and locking the door, then pulling down her slacks and underwear and stepping out of them. Standing in front of the mirror over the sink with her legs apart, she grabbed the dildo and stuffed it into her needy pussy as far as it would go, only partly suppressing a moan as it opened her up and the bumps and ridges rubbed her in all the right places. "Oh, Bill," she moaned, thrusting and twisting the dildo in and out with her right hand, while rubbing her clitoris with the fingers of her left. The mirror was the right height so that she could see everything that she was doing to herself, but all she was seeing was Bill smiling as he thrust his hot, hard cock into her, then making that grunt of his and flooding her pussy with squirt after squirt of cum.

She came so hard that the abused dildo shot out of her pussy and bounced off the floor with a rubbery thump, accompanied by a spray of her juices and a loud moan. She leaned on the vanity's counter for support, staring at her wild-eyed, disheveled look, chest heaving as she tried to regain her normal breathing. Emma looked down at the dildo, glistening wetly in the light from the overhead fixture. "I don't know what brand you are, but Trina has just made a sale," she said, managing to stand upright, despite quivering legs. She saw a predatory smile appear on her face as she turned back to the mirror. Bill was going to pick her up after her shift and take her to the Midsummer Festival in the park, but there was going to be a short and vigorous detour to her bedroom first.