- Mature
- Ridiculust Ch. 01
- Page 3
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A Note to Readers: On the off chance that you are re-reading this and wondering what happened, I have rewritten the first six chapters of the story (December 17, 2022), giving them a much-needed improvement. I hope that you like the results.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 1 year agoCheck out these 2 stories
God of mischief and lies by FireFaery - Possibly the best-written story on this site.
https://www.literotica.com/s/god-of-mischief-and-lies
A God called Bruce by Talemaster - Very creative & easy to read
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1196364&page=submissions
Anonymousover 1 year agoHaving a main character who if childishly clumsy and frightens like a 2-year old does not make a compelling or romantic character. He's not a man, but a frightened child. Also, consider reducing the density of minor details and check your progress of time. You built up the thunderstorm, and then had it pass with one flash in about 30 seconds of reading. It should have built as he entered the room, took a shower and fell asleep, and then passed by while he was sleeping.
PunMagicover 3 years agoAuthorIn case you are wondering, the remaining chapters have more "adult activity". This chapter is an anomaly in that regard because of the way the story was written. Please try Chapter 2 to see what I mean. Thanks for reading!
Anonymousover 3 years agoThe constant yells and pratfalls by your main character get to be a bit much. You might consider utilizing a character development tool...
blackknight314over 3 years agoA nice start to a magically orgasmic story.
Thanks for sharing; next chapter please!
