Ridiculust Ch. 17

"Black," he responded, rather grimly. "And extra large. This is really draining."

"I'll relieve you after I've relieved myself," said Jeannie, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "We'll heal those trees and live happily ever after."

"I love you, Jeannie," he replied as she walked away with the others. "It's so great to have you back again." She turned and blew him a kiss, leaving him alone on the stage as the lights were turned down a few notches. The invisible net that was over the area to catch and funnel the loving energy into the beam was easily handling the low-level residuals from the crowd. Everyone was in a great mood and the background noise from the crowd rose dramatically as they began talking and moving around. This alone was enough to make Roger feel good. He hated conflict and avoided it like the plague, and the serenity and well-being were soothing and making him drowsy after a long day.

He was standing near the right corner (from his perspective) of the stage facing forward, and he thought that he saw a faint shimmer in the air to his left out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned, it wasn't there. "Odd," he muttered as he completed the turn to face the rear of the stage. As he stood there, weaving slightly, the pull of gravity on his eyelids became too much to resist and they closed. The half-seen shimmer then solidified into the familiar shape of a beautiful woman.

"Hello, Roger," she said in a sweet contralto. "It's been too long since you visited me."

"Aphrodite, my goddess," he replied dreamily. "I haven't dreamed of you for weeks. I have missed you so."

"I have missed you too," she replied, reaching up to stroke a cheek with a hand. "You gave me hope, love, and knowledge just when I needed them. Soon you will bring me into the world of flesh and blood to begin a new chapter in my life."

"Will I now," he mused. "You aren't going to go on a wild rampage of murderous megalomania to take over the world, I hope? The world isn't a nice place and doesn't deserve you."

"No, I won't do anything like that," she laughed, making him glow with happiness. "But one of the first things I want to do is make love to you in the flesh, not just in dreams."

"What about Jeannie? I don't think that she would like that very much."

"Some weeks ago, she made me a promise," said Aphrodite, standing on tiptoes to kiss his lips gently, "and when I'm incorporated, I intend that she keep it. And you can watch," she added with a growl that made it clear even to his fuzzy mind what kind of promise it was.

"That doesn't sound like the Jeannie I know," he replied as she turned him towards his wife, who was on the stage advancing towards them with a large cup of steaming coffee in one hand and a smaller one in the other.

"Wake up, dearest. It's almost time to get started." She snapped her fingers under his nose and he started awake, looking around and not seeing her.

"Roger, you look like you're asleep on your feet," said Jeannie with some concern, pressing the paper cup into his hand. "Are you OK?"

"It's been a very long day," he replied with a small groan, feeling the heat from the cup coming through to his fingers. "Hot stuff brings me hot stuff," he added with an impish grin, lowering the temperature of the beverage to a more comfortable level by radiating the heat outwards. He took a careful sip and raised his eyebrows in surprise. "This is actually good! Not what you'd expect from a concession stand in a city park."

"Joe may have tweaked the contents just a bit," she smiled, sipping her brew. "He may have found his new occupation in a coffee shop when this all settles down."

"A cup of joe from Joe. How appropriate." She rolled her eyes and he smirked. "That would hardly be fair to the coffee shops already here," he added, swallowing more and feeling the heat warm him from the inside and the caffeine already starting to work its own magic.

"He thinks so too, and since he cheerfully admits that he doesn't know beans about coffee," Roger coughed and spluttered and she looked smug at having gotten a pun off at him, "they don't have to worry about him." Roger continued to drink as Joe, Sarah, Debbie, and John appeared at the top of the stairs at the back of the stage.

"You have changed," Roger replied as she integrated herself into the power collection spell and he released himself. "Now I'll go use the facilities and we'll be as good as new. Thank you so much for bringing this to me!" He took another deep sip and ambled past the others. "Long time no see."

"Funny man," replied Sarah with a grin. "See you in a few minutes." She looked up and pointed. "Is that a drone?" They all turned towards the area where the news people were and saw the blinking lights of the drone quickly rising and drifting over towards the grove.

"The miracles of modern technology," John replied, tucking his cup into the crook of his arm and getting a borrowed phone out of his pocket. "We should look at what they are looking at," he added, tapping out the address of the station's website and quickly locating the live broadcast.

"Hey, that's us!" said Debbie as they listened to Leslie's commentary. "It had better not make me look fat." The others snickered. "Well, now we know what it is that we're doing. Look at that flywheel spin!"

"I hope that Roger is OK," said Jeannie with some concern in her voice. "He was looking really spaced out there before I gave him his coffee."

"He seemed OK," Sarah replied, swallowing more of her brew. "He's just gone to pee. How much trouble can he get into doing that?" They all froze with drinks half-raised to their mouths.

"I have to stay here to maintain the spell," cursed Jeannie as the others hustled towards the stairs. "Be careful!"

Roger had made his way to the ten port-a-potties that were closest to where they had been standing. All but one, the one farthest from the stage, had a line of about three people in front of it.

"What's with this one?" he asked, rattling the lock.

"The lock's broken, Roger," responded a black, heavyset woman who turned out to be none other than Trina. "Nobody's been able to open it."

"Hi, Trina. Fancy meeting you here," he responded. "If I open it, do I get first dibs on it?"

"You'll have earned it," responded Lenny, who was behind her. Roger cleared his mind, thought for a few moments, and then his right hand glowed in his turquoise, green, and yellow colours. The others in the lines looked on with interest at being able to see magic first-hand.

"Roger! What are you doing?" Jeannie demanded loudly from the stage. He waved at her.

"It's simple," he explained to his audience in his lecturing voice, "to magically open a lock, just say o-pun." With a quiet zeet sound, a ball of light flew from his hand to the lock, where it hit and vanished. Moments later, there was a hissing, rattling sound, followed by a small bang and the plastic, yellow and blue door flew open. He accepted the applause graciously before quickly stepping in, closing and locking the door, and using it for its intended purpose. When he tried to unlock it, it stuck again.

"Oh, Roger," sang a musical female voice, which could only be Debbie.

"Go away! I'm not Roger!" he responded in a shrill, patently fake falsetto.

"You wouldn't happen to be stuck in there, would you?" inquired Joe's friendly bass.

"I'm fine, just doing some business!" he replied cheerfully, putting his mouth on a hairless part of his upper right arm and blowing a loud fake fart. There was some laughter from the crowd, as well as doors opening and closing as people continued to use the functional potties.

"You forced the lock without lubricating it, didn't you?" scolded Sarah, complete with wagging finger for the audience that he couldn't see.

"That may not be the problem! Let me try something!" he replied. "Hmm, if I were the Pope, I'd have the Holy See to help me." The plastic on his side of the lock became transparent and he was able to see that there was something in there jamming the lock mechanism. "How the hell did that get there?" he muttered. "It's not my fault! There's something jamming the mechanism!"

"Hey Joe," joked John jovially, "if there were a football team named The Jams, I'd bet on them to beat the spread!"

"Oh, how did I get into this fix?" he asked loudly and a small bolt of energy shot from his middle finger and pulverized the small stone just as something went SPLUT on the door.

"John, you just got him into a sticky situation!" said Debbie. More stuff splattered on the door and the besieged Roger rolled his eyes, thought about them being back on the stage where they belonged, and said,

"Did you stage this nonsense?" Four bolts of light shot from his left hand towards the stage and four from his right hand shot through the door and (though he couldn't see it), zapped the offending friends and transported them back to the stage with loud pops where the air rushed in and small bangs where they appeared. He then carefully peeked out of the crud-encrusted door and looked around. He got a round of applause and laughs from the audience. He stepped through the door and allowed it to close, tested the lock and found that it actually worked, getting more applause, and finally said in a squeaky voice 'Hey Roger, you've finished the colonoscopy purge. You look like hell!' to which he replied in his normal voice 'Yeah, no shit, Sherlock!'" To his surprise, not to mention everyone else who hadn't had a chance to use the facilities yet, a volley of small bolts of light shot from his hands, shooting both into people's abdomens and also the port-a-potty, from which came a volley of splashes. Just as he was bowing to accept their cheers and applause, he felt himself get zapped several times and found himself standing on the stage next to his spectacularly unimpressed wife and the half scowling, half smirking other four.

"Roger, it's time for us to reintegrate into the spell. The show is about to restart," said Jeannie with that special smile that turns his bowels to water. The Purple Chimps were assuming their places and getting themselves ready.

"Great half-time show!" said Brian with a wave. The audience was rapidly reassembling and gave cheers, applause, and whistles, though whether it was for the band or for the others was unclear.

"Next time, please let me put the pee in peace," said Roger mildly. He snickered as they rolled their eyes and, after some effort, reintegrated themselves into the spell.