Rory and Sebastian Ch. 14

"I know that's the route I'd've gone down if I'd never met Rory," I said. I didn't judge my brother, at all. I fucking love sex and I'd always assumed that college would be my slutty years, but having met Rory, I could see completely what Evan was saying when he said that after a while, all it had done was make him appreciate Sarah more.

*

Sarah and Rory hit it off right away. Sarah was bright and pretty, with long blonde hair and a killer smile. She was studying French at university and her and Rory chatted away about an obscure French play that I'd never heard of, but made a mental note to ask him about on the way home. It's always good to learn, especially from someone you love.

"So, what universities have you applied to?" she asked.

"Saint Andrew's is my first choice."

"He should've gone for Oxford or Cambridge," I interjected. And I was right. He should have.

"Saint Andrew's is my first choice," he continued, smiling at me. "Then Trinity in Dublin, Durham and my back-up is Southampton."

"And what do you want to do?"

"History with Theology," he answered, taking a sip of diet lemonade. "History with Politics, if I go to Trinity."

"Fab," she said, enthusiastically. "And what about you, Seb? Evan said it's London?"

"Yeah," I said, forking a piece of pasta. "UCL is my first choice, then Herriot Watt in Edinburgh, Manchester and Cardiff."

"Well, it'll be very handy for you two if you get into Herriot Watt," Sarah said, tossing her hair over her shoulders. "Much easier to stay together that way."

I saw Evan look at her, with a kind of indulgent "shut up" expression. I, however, was not feeling amused. I liked Sarah; I really did. But there was no fucking need to imply that a train schedule and geographical proximity were the only two reasons why Rory and I would be able to stay together once we went to college.

"We'll be fine, either way," I declared. Trying not to sound too rude, but still coming across as firm. I put my hand on Rory's leg under the table. "Won't we?"

"Yes," he answered. "Obviously, Herriot Watt would be a lot easier, though. Although I know you'll get what you need to get into UCL. Do you like Manchester?"

"As a city?" Sarah asked.

I zoned out of the conversation and glowered slightly. This was not the first time that I'd picked up on something non-committal in the way Rory answered questions about our future. He seemed more comfortable discussing marriage than he did staying together at college. Which was just fucking bizarre. I mean, yes, him and Sarah were technically right -- having to travel a half hour from Edinburgh to Saint Andrew's would be a hell of a lot easier than a 12 hour train ride from London. But was there really a need to point that out on a casual double date? What the fuck did she know about our relationship? Plus, I was kind of pissed at Rory for backing up what Sarah had said, when I'd just corrected her. I hunched a bit more over my plate, before feeling a gentle nudge on my knee from Evan's leg. He was telling me to stop being a fucking baby. I sat up straight and smiled ruefully at him.

*

"Are you annoyed with me?"

I shook my head as I drove Rory home.

"Well that's convincing."

I exhaled slightly, conceding his point that I wasn't hiding my annoyance very well. "I didn't like what Sarah said about us staying together."

"The Herriot Watt thing?"

"Yes."

He sighed and stroked my leg. "Sebastian, she didn't mean anything by it. She's blatantly right. If we were closer together geographically, of course it'd make our relationship easier."

"She didn't say that, though, Rory. She said that it would make staying together easier. That is not the same thing."

"I think you're maybe reading too much into it."

"To be honest, I'm more upset about the fact that you agreed with her."

"You wanted me to question her factual observation of rudimentary British geography?" he asked, incredulously. "You wanted me to query if Edinburgh was closer to Saint Andrew's than London?"

"Don't be a prick," I snapped. "I wanted you to agree with me when I said we'd have no problem staying together."

"Well, you made it so awkward for her that I wanted to be polite and diffuse the awkwardness. And I did not agree that we'd break-up. Firstly, because that's not what she said and secondly, I don't think that will happen."

"You don't 'think'?"

"Sebastian! My God, what is it with you and this? I obviously can't see into the future and I know a lot of people do break-up when they go to uni."

"And you think we will?"

"No! I'm saying that in casual conversation, it's not unreasonable to concede that it is a legitimate possibility. I'm obviously not saying that I want it to happen or that I think it's going to. I just conversationally agreed with your brother's girlfriend when she pointed out that a relationship is easier when you both live closer to each other, rather than in totally different parts of the kingdom!"

"Her and Evan manage it."

"And hopefully we will, too. Sebastian, don't look at me like that!"

"Hopefully?"

"Yes, hopefully."

I could feel the muscles in my arms twitching. This was upsetting me. "Hopefully... For fuck sakes, Rory. Sometimes, it'd be nice if you just fucking agreed with me that we're great together."

"I always agree with that. And I love you."

"It doesn't feel like it tonight."

"Okay, now you're just being ridiculous."

"I hate when you do this."

He looked at me, irritably. "When I do what, Sebastian?"

"When you start riddling everything about college with qualifiers. Yes, alright, I fucking know that the laws of probability and reality and fucking British fucking geography show that a lot of people break-up in college and that it'd be far easier if we were both studying in Scotland, rather than one of us still being in England. But I don't want to hear about fucking probability, Rory. I want to hear that you love me and that even the fucking thought of us breaking-up, even as an abstract fucking theory, is so upsetting and so fucking awful that you don't even want to think about it. Because that's how I feel and I let you know that every single day. But when college is brought up, you start sounding like a politician. One piece of vague, non-committal bullshit after the other."

He was silent for a minute, gathering his thoughts, like he always did.

"You're right," he sighed. "That is entirely fair and I am very sorry. In my defense, I am coping with the anxiety at the thought of not seeing you every day but trying to calm my hopes down. I am not qualifying anything because I want it to happen. I'm doing it because I just don't know what I would do if it did happen. The thought of not seeing you every day, like we do now, is just so upsetting that it's the thing I'm trying not to focus on. Whatever happens, we'll be apart and I don't like that. So I'm trying to be practical about the whole thing to prepare myself for it, but in the process, I've upset you and made you think I don't care, when I very much do. I already miss you and we haven't even left yet. I love you, Sebastian, and I'm sorry."

I glanced over at him, quickly, before turning my eyes back to the road. I felt a bit emotional and smiled, silently, for a second. I briefly took one hand off the steering wheel and squeezed his thigh.

"I love you," he said, softly.

"Love you, too."

*

A few days later, Rory and I were walking home after school. I was nursing a semi as I perved on his tight ass, but people would be in both of our houses that afternoon and there was nowhere nearby where we could disappear off to mess around, without a major risk of being caught.

"I have a semi," I said, casually.

"How lovely."

"Can we do phone sex when we get home? I can jerk off to it."

"And who says romance fades after a few months?" he said, both sarcastically and affectionately.

"I had the dirtiest wank about you this morning in the shower," I said.

"You have to stop this, Sebastian, unless you want both of us to walk home with erections. Which, frankly, would be rather awkward, don't you think?"

"Do you want to go for a drive later?"

He shrugged. "That could be fun. But I have to finish the Religion homework beforehand -- if that's okay?"

"Of course it is."

A pause.

"We're having sex in your car tonight, aren't we?"

I slapped his ass hard and laughed. "Fuck yeah, baby."

*

That weekend, the summer sun really came out for the first time. It was a baking hot day and Rory and I went down to a public park near where we lived to chill out. A few people from school were there and I bought Rory a huge bottle of water to keep him cool.

I remember him in perfect detail. He was lying on his side, staring up, from behind his sunglasses. The Sun bathed down on his face and in his shorts and t-shirts, he looked relaxed and happy. Health practically glowed off him and he was already beginning to tan slightly. The light coating of dark hair on his legs and those lovely arms of his. The contented sigh and the soft, enigmatic smile. I remember all of it and how effortlessly contented he seemed on that day. I don't know why it stuck so much in my mind. Or why it still does. There were many other day like that ahead of us, but something in that day stayed in my mind in crystal-clear clarity.

"What?" he asked, lazily. "Are you thinking dirty things?"

"I mean, always a little," I said, lying down so my head was on his stomach, at a right angle. I remembered how he'd been the first time I'd touched him on the stomach, but now he just kept breathing normally. And trailed his hand along my forehead. "You seem so happy today, Rory."

"I am," he said. "I'm with you."