All Comments on 'Rough and Tumble'

But the author isn't yet able to gift the readers with " you are here " sensation. Outrage in the abstract to a fault. Existential , cucumber cool, hubby ? Maybe that's why she cucked him ? This author has potential, but needs polish.

Nice flash story. Waiting for more

You had the premise for a good story but didn't put enough into it. There was nothing in the way of emotions or even much dialogue. Which brings me to a pet peeve. Two people NEVER talk within the same paragraph. I can't get over how many people don't know that. It's 3rd grade English. Every time a another person talks a new paragraph is formed.

I wish I could give your first try a 5 but a 3 is the legitimate score. You need to try harder next time.

Looking forward to future stories. Thanks for sharing.

...but that's okay. Different strokes.

The one thing I hoped for was that he'd have stuck out his foot as his wife's lover sprinted for the front door.

Cool, not cold.

This story has terrible mechanics and almost completely undeveloped characters....

BUT it has a fresh premise so that's something.

If this is really a first story from a new writer then I'll be interested in seeing what he learns and comes up with next.

How many people knew about the affair and kept their mouths shut but as soon as they thought domestic violence occurred they immediately jumped to action? Not bloody likely.

Good story, to the point, satisfying. It could have used more flesh on the bone. This is a story that is about an emotional landscape more than the physical detail of catching someone in the act of betrayal. A little more attention to emotional detail would add a lot.

Very interesting, but it ended too fast and there is a need for a rewrite. Keep writing and maybe come back later and rewrite this one.

This was interesting...but arises some questions: 1st - I understand the wife's women friends would think he had beat her up, because she was cheating and thought that was no way to deal with it...But the husbands to think the same? That's impossible, because all of them would think what they woould do if they were on his shoes...2nd - I believe that sooner than later one of those husbands would have tip him off, because if their wives were doing the same they would have wanted to know...3rd - If I was one of those husbands, and knew my wife was accepting that a friend cheated, then I would think, if she wasn't cheating too...The least I would want was for her to let go the other woman as a friend, and never talk with her again...4th - As soon I was divorced, and with the evidence I had, I would sue the Bank because on of their managers was having an affair with a married woman of his staff...The man and his wife would found themselves unemployed...The state they lived could be a no-fault state, but the bank would pay to stay out of a scandal...That's why this story is too short...However it's a good first effort...3*

I liked it but I found it a bit short on emotion. The main character was very Forrest Gump so if you find it difficult to write about emotions you might want to consider going in that direction. Have the gullible fool win out each time. And don't finish so abruptly.

Keep writing! - claud137

short tale full of holes . wanessa had kids but ran out of the house ? neck

brace but had hot sex so soon? A bit longer tale may have filled in the

holes and made a better tale

where's the sex?

Very nice first story.

It needs more emotion, but that will come with experience.

Just plain stupid and not at all entertaining.

you at least tried to be original. the biggest problem for me was that everyone knew his wife was cheating. his friends, coworkers and everyone else.i know a friend telling him is very cliche but its that way for a reason. somebody would say something. maybe an unsigned letter. this wouldve worked if instead of everyone saying something,it was only her best friend that says something that gets him curios. he also shouldve gotten her boss in trouble with their job.

all the build up to nothing...

I gave it 4 stars for a good first try. I'm looking forward to your next submission.

Left unanswered. I guess we can use our imagination but I'd like to know more about the confrontation and about the aftermath. Most neighbors, especially the men, would have been more forth coming about the visits of Martin to the home.

A good start to your writing career here on Lit. It was more of a tell the reader than show the reader and that will improve as you grow as an author.

Thanks for the effort and please keep writing.

Woodmanone

So smart to let the other wife discover them! And so believable that everyone assumed he beat her. Well done!

The feedback in the Loving Wives section is quite vigorous, so you're very brave to post your first story in this category. Don't let the anonymous creeps get to you, but you may get some good feedback from the ones who sign their commentary.

Good, original story. I look forward to seeing more from you! 5*

...this story is nothing to write home about.

There were plot points you really didn't address or holes that weren't filled. I'm sure a lot of these have already been mentioned.

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1) Everyone else seems to know what was going on, including his boss. That really needed to be addressed. How does he go back to work with these people knowing they were keeping this from him? Not only at work but in the neighborhood they were all but accusing him of beating her. Where were their reactions when they found out the truth?

<P>

2) Vanessa and Martin had kids. Who took care of them when Dave dragged her away?

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3) She’s in a neck brace and in pain. Are they so great fucking each other that even with that and all the scrutiny that’s aimed at them that they can’t wait until she’s healed and the public focus has died down?

<P>

4) As a general rule of thumb, when the character speaking changes, start a new paragraph.

<P>

Everyone learns from their mistakes. Don’t be discouraged but use all of the comments to be a better writer. For your next one, you might want to write the first draft, put it away for awhile, and then read it with a fresh perspective.

It has the problem of being a bit hampered by the narrative style. Personally I was

surprised that the Police did not call him in for questioning. I liked that after George told him what was going, he gathered evidence before reacting and then even set up the scene so he would not be guilty of assault though many readers probably felt that this marks him as a wimp.

Is it worth giving bowling to protect your wife's virtue? If your answer is yes, than you had better not get married!

carry the %age of cheaters back to the bank. TK U MLJ LV NV

and short on detail. too I'm sure you could have told the readers more about Wendy and Martin's actions and deceptions. I don't know about 'suing the employer'. Non-fraternization clauses may be in the company employee's conduct book but I doubt it could be a condition of employment and would not actionable. (At least not anywhere outside the USA)

And originality is worth a 5 in my book, especially when the story is well written.

Previous comments have covered the territory so well. Good start for first submission but your main characters are flat, not developed enough, and the ending is too abrupt. As others have said, you've taken a different turn than the usual template of moving along from the cheating spouse & that's commendable. Like your title, the the LW category gets "rough & tumble" comments as your a your piece has evoked quite a few. As an editor, I encourage you to continue to write & gain from the positive criticism - particularly, one paragraph for each dialogue voice quote, as earlier mentioned. Kudos!

I like a more developed story with a beginning ,a middle and an end. more detail and pages.

Not too bad for a first story.

Some writers on Lit. are no better on their tenth or twentieth story, but you do have room for improvement.

Do agree that you are brave to put your first story in LW, these are generally the harshest critics.

Please do put a new speaker in a new paragraph, as well as when a new person does something.

It's the root of all evil.

The second he whips that video out in court an innocent and cheated on woman is going to prison for assaulting a domestic abuse victim' did you fotget you wrote that? Everyone thinks hes guilty, the video comes after the "abuse" and it ends up making a cheating whore look like an object of sympathy.

Because yes, wife beaters are more trashy than whores, and will lose in court every time. Doesn't matter that hes innocent, you wrote that everyone thought he was guilty. In real life, that is a death sentence. No job, no career. You lose everything. People pretend to be nice, but secretly believe you are dog shit.

Cheating stories that omit discussion of the reasons why always read kind of shallow and empty. She cheated, he caught her, he divorced her, have a nice day. But what about Why? She just ended up being a slut? And everyone knew but him? Who the hell did he marry? Why didn't anyone warn him? What made these cheaters think they could get away with such an obvious affair? And if so many people thought he had caught her and beat her up, why did she continue the affair? Just way too many why's left unexplored to be a really good story. Too bad; it was a decent plot.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Brujay

Not too bad for a first story. I bit short, a nice build-up, but all of a sudden it was over. Did you get bored?

To john1946.... "Did you get bored" why don't you publish a story and show us how it's done

To author ... Not to my taste but thanks for sharing

I suggest a sequel from the wife's POV: e,g,, why, what happened after the confrontation, is she having regrets?

Fun little tale. Thanks for posting

....but he didn't.....so why is it okay for Vanessa to hit Martin or Wendy? Short answer: it' NOT.....no motherfucking double standards are gonna fly with me. Otherwise, short, bittersweet, and left me hanging...more, please....explain what went down in your divorce and remarriage. And Wendy deserves a fresh start, as do Vanessa and Martin (though Vanessa clearly needs the anger management).

It could have been fleshed out a bit more. I found the climax very brief (no pun intended) and the ending rushed and a little sparse. Another page or two would help not harm.

Not the run-of-the-mill story. " That handbag must have weighed at least ten pounds and she swung it like a battle axe" Lovely image.

Keep writing....

Good plot and well-executed.

I like your style.

I trust this will be the first of many contributions?

first story. Keep them coming!

I liked what was there but there is so much more that could be written yet with your setup. Vanessa got her two cents worth by using her purse but our guy never even really had a confrontation and we do not know his wife's reactions or his after that. I think the best part of this story was left unwritten. Cheaters should feel the pain of their betrayal. The boss did (beat up and around the head by the purse) but we don't hear anything about what Wendy experienced.

Thanks for your efforts. If you are up for it a chapter two give us some of that after reaction, otherwise consider adding more angst in future stories.

CB

Good light BTB story. LOL

Duna

I agree the author left some plot holes (Vanessa's kids, how he could avoid wife beater accusation during divorce, longer time for reapeted cheating to left time for healing up, too many people knew about her affair to think of domestic violance, longer angry or depressing state after catching the sad news, etc...). However the original idea how he learned her cheating is enough for 5*****.

I hope the author learns from the comments for his next story.

If all the neighbours, coworkers, and friends knew she was having an affair why did they remain quiet?

If they both worked at the bank did it not raise an alarm when he changed the accounts?

If everyone suspected him of domestic violence, and she was treated at hospital, he should have been reported.

etc. etc. etc.

Has potential but needs work

Keep writing and get an editor ,you will improve

Good luck

Very understated use of dramatic sequence. However for me I always want a dialogue between hubby and cheating wife; I would have liked more about their relationship apart from the fact of his stopping picking things up for her, and her attempt to pacify him by cooking something nice.

But I was glued to this unfolding tale and loved the slightly farcical character to it.

The ending was short and sweet, but the author maybe needed to tie up some loose ends and spell things out for folk who didn't read the story carefully. The wife was interviewed at the hospital and presumably gave a statement that she did in fact fall down the stairs. So no chance of claiming the hubby was a wife beater. The auther described Vanessa as "one of those kindly big strong momma types". Being a "momma type" is not the same as having kids.

Good story potential that could have been longer with more detail.

manner through which he discovered his wife's infidelity. I'm glad I read it.

Certainly a five.

Jedd Clampett

I'm sorry, I would have walked in on them and clocked Martin, then Wendy that if she wanted to save our marriage she would quit her job and file a sexual harassment suit against Martin.

If, as seems likely, it was consensual, that would be Martin's defense, and if he could back it up, that would be Dave's grounds for divorce.

A totally new twist that I have not encountered before. I just feel the ending was very abrupt and warranted at least another page of storytelling.

Kind of a cartoon for a story. See Wendy. See Martin. See Wendy fuck Martin. Isn't this an exciting story?

No.

I wonder how many people thought Dave beat his wife again after Vanessa put bruises on her bruises? A little more at the end would have been nice.

How did she explain it? What happened to Martin? Your stories relate interesting events, but lack introspection into motives, attitudes, and explanations. So your stories read like outlines instead of what happened, but not why or how, which is the most interesting parts. You give us more detail about what wine you had with a meal then why, when where, and how his wife decided to commit adultery. Was this the first time? How did her parents respond?

It could have been a really interesting story. Thanks for the effort.

It seems you steer away from confrontation like in Red riding hood! Like your writing though!

I agree with those who question how neighbors (and co-workers?) could be so aware of the affair that they were sure that he beat Wendy, but nobody tells him?!

really about a man as dumb as a post and not very good.

You have Marting saying he will end affair, neighbors interceding for Martin because he has kids, but Martin continues to plow away.

Since neighbors all knew about affair and husbands wanted him to overlook it he should have started bedding their wives

√&√

google cuckold, nearly everything you find will be from the good old usa, same with hotwife, wifesharing, interacial, femdom, slutwife, BBC, sissy, etc etc

people in glasshouses shouldn't throw stones.

Rather an abrupt ending, don't you think so?

Never got the rest of the story. Was the author distracted by something else?

is apparent in this tale. Has always been a cultural mystery why, in British LW stories there is little communication between spouses; even when the male protests that there had been.

I liked the confusion about the fall down the stairs and the underlying affair. Catching her in the act was all well and good, but there was no back story to explain the affair and it was pretty cold blooded. Great concept though.

Clever but awfully dry.

anonjerry

Boss fucks subordinate? Law suite time. Ruin BOTH of their lives & careers. They play, then they pay...

Not bad. Could have been better.

After Wendy got smacked by the handbag, it would have been nice to see further accusations directed toward "spouse abuser" Dave.

Why is the messenger almost always abused, or deathly afraid of it? Is that really what happens? People become so irrational they lash out at someone innocent or who helped them? I'm somewhat ashamed to be human.

The title was a tip off and the bit of humor at the end kept with the light hearted vein of the story nicely.

I must admit. The battered wife was a unique way for the hubby to be clued in to the infidelity. I've never heard that used in LW stories before.

A step or two below your usual fare.

Dave accused again? Ah yes, but this time he has video.

Vanessa did a double BTB. Good little story.

Ended too quickly. He should have sued the bastard and the divorce, with the video, should have been a slam dunk with her getting very little, if anything.

Let the other wife do the brutal work, and just sit back and watch. Not bad at all.

Funny, too, how fast gossip gets around.

Matin was mugged heading to his car after another night of screwing my ex-wife.

My ex witnessed the mugging She told the police she thought it was me who attacked her lover. The police interrogated me for 6 hours while they checked my alibi (god it's great having good friends state I was playing poker with them all night even though I vanished for a few hours).

Matin got mugged again 2 months later, again leaving my ex's place. This time I was fishing with my friends.

After his 3rd mugging leaving my ex's place he got the hint and left town without my ex.

Every time she started developing a relationship with another man he would be mugged and eventually men stopped asking her out and she became lonely and bitter.

Am I still angry? You bet your bottom dollar I am. I loved the bitch with all my being and she shits on me.

Clever.

Interesting.

Entertaining.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Paul in Oklahoma

Pretty good, quick story. Would have liked a little more depth, but still liked it!

Could have been better. The author is good enough to make the story more exciting.

Started off well, the ending seems rushed and not thought out enough to work. 2 Stars, I hate criticizing people's work...

So friends and neighbors knew what was going on and said nothing...

this was great but could have been longer

The whole world knew but hubby. And everything just fell perfectly into place to nail her in the old cliched way.

A bit more fleshing out and less reliance on rewriting the same plot points tha everyone else has would have helped.

And that’s the way it’s done. Great job.

What a wimpy main character. Hopefully he left town rather than be a laughing stock of the entire neighborhood and town. No payback just a total wimp out. Closet feminest??

Hey, it happens more than you think! I disagree about him being 'wimpy'! People are accusing him of wife beating, he picks up on wife cheating, and does a beautiful job getting revenge. If he had beat the shot out of the banker, he would have ended in prison. There's no wimp here. Well done. Keep writing.

XYZ

WELL HE WASN'T A WIFE BEATER!

WIFE WAS DEFINITELY A CUCK BEATER, CUM QUEEN, JUST NOT FOR HER HUSBAND!!

SOUNDS LIKE THE WIFE GOT OFF EASY!!

No better than just OK. Well written but nothing original in plot or character development. 3 stars

3 stars

Well, when there's a lack of men I guess it's up to a woman to dole out justice.

Bitch deserved MUCH worse than she got!

Talented!

FUCK BOWLING AND FUCK GOLF TOO !

Vert weak ending robbed this one of its juice. Should have at least had a brief confrontation with the slut.

.

3 ***