Sausage Fest

Randy interrupts the reading of the latest hate letter. "Zaphod, what exactly do we promise in the ads for the sausage?"

I answer by rote. "Lifelike in every way. Feels like the real thing to wear it. Does everything to all that the real thing does to women."

The attorneys nod and make notes on their pages. I take that as an invitation to continue. "We kept our part of the deal. What the real thing does to women is make them feel good and get them pregnant. Our sausage does that to all."

Our special guest, the DA, pursues it. "Exactly how does it accomplish that lofty goal?"

This should be obvious, but I explain it anyway. "It makes sperm from skin cells of the wearer. If the receiver has no egg, it makes one from their skin cells. If the receiver has no uterus, the nanite bots build that, remain inert and exit in their next bowel movement. It does nothing other than what was promised by the ad."

Our head attorney smiles to the DA, stifling a chuckle. "He's right, John. Reasonable expectations deals with a product performing as promised. There's no doctrine punishing a product for performing as promised, no matter how unbelievable. This class action suit has no merit, according to the preemptive opinion from the Supremes. We're done here."

John, the DA, is pissed. "We're not done here, Nate. A quarter of our population is pregnant, men and women! We've never had a baby boom like this, even after world war two!"

Nate, our head attorney is cool and calm. "An eighth of our population was seeking medical treatment for infertility. Until this happened, we were looking at a massive global depopulation. The internet wackos say it's caused by what they spray for geo-engineering. What if the paranoid nutcases are right? Even if they're wrong, this amounts to the same thing. This sausage fest has saved the human race from near extinction."

John the DA almost whispers. "You didn't hear this from me. The depopulation was a controlled burn, like firemen do on the hillside. It would have reduced our carbon footprint to a sustainable load for the planet. Now we're back where we started. Since they can't reduce birth, their only option now is war."

Nate brightens. "You didn't hear this here either. We have new inventions to eliminate nearly all use of fossil fuel within the year. We'll have no carbon footprint. Your friends can stand down. We also have inventions to seek out every member of your terrorist organization of war criminals, and delete them from the game board. If ET knew all the technology in our silo, he'd shit all over his little gray ass. There are dead man switches in every corner of the cloud. You fuck with us, your entire evil organization dies, including you John. Got it, bitch?"

John pulls a gun on Nate. I do two quick ports, replacing the gun with a huge flesh colored dildo with cool-looking veins.

Nate continues, cool as a cucumber. "Your watch is recording this for them. Send them the audio file now. I'll wait for a call from them. If it doesn't come in five minutes, one leader of theirs dies every minute starting at the top. Don't whine to me about it. I'm just performing their own depopulation agenda...starting with them, of course."

Then Nate does the unthinkable. He makes his phone play the Jeopardy theme.

The call comes in, right at the last second. Nate looks up from his tablet, grinning. "Hello Igor. No, don't tell me. I interrupted your last hole of a perfect game. Hyperspace penetrating surveillance sees what you're all up to. We also have the names of the fourteen underage women your wife brought home for you. How do you think you'll look in orange? Here, let me put you on speaker so our inventor can speak to you. He could force you to hear him without the phone, but your ears would bleed."

To set the record straight, I weigh in. "I refuse to take the blame for this mess. People fucked. People got pregnant. I've done nothing here but invent stuff. I never made any threats. Your strike team died in takeoff. They won't be storming our gates. They'd never make it past our force fields anyway. This isn't my fault. It's not my war, not my stone age backward time. I'm vacationing here. If attacked, I WILL annihilate you. My future doesn't depend on your history. I'm from a different timeline. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. Fuck off."

To my chagrin, Egg, my time-car, informs me she detected launch of a nuke. The rogue nation where it launched is now uninhabitable. The warhead detonated on the launch pad.

I reach out and the phone flies from Nate's hand to mine. "Is everyone here this stupid, or is it just the shadow governments? The prime directive is void when you attack me. Don't want me to interfere in your history? Leave me alone, and everyone I care about alone, or I'll end you. One more fuck up and your entire organization gets deleted. I'm getting bored with this shit. I'm taking out a third of you now, just to show you I'm serious. Goodbye."

As I hang up the phone, my tablet glows green. Egg says it worked. Killing off a third of their evil shadow empire has convinced them to stand down. Détente has been achieved.

After I port home from the boardroom, Egg sends me a troubling thought. "You're not very happy, despite the victory I bought for you."

I try to reassure her. "It has nothing to do with your performance. It's human troubles. Emotional troubles. As for how you've been for me, Egg, if you had a pussy I'd eat you out to seven good ones right now, just to show you how I feel about you."

Egg sends me an image of her from the garage, blushing red. Oh fuck is she cute! Then she sends me the most heartbreaking thought. "I couldn't ask you to make love to me. Your heart is broken even as we communicate. All these lonely nights you miss Mandy something horrible. All her memories coming into your head only make you miss her worse and worse."

"You're not making this easier, Egg."

"Yeah, I just noticed. I'm not human. This shit's tricky for me."

"I'm not offended, sweetie. I gotta space off. No offence, Egg."

"None taken, Z."

Whoa. Egg just called me Z. I guess we do need each other. I'm in a relationship with Egg. And I'm heartbroken by another relationship. I guess Mandy's right. In heaven, we're all soul mates. God, please give her a human body in heaven.

* * * *

Try as I might, I can't shake this. Finally I break down. I'm sure she's felt it from me, but I can't help it. This is too much. "Egg, if I were ever to ask you to delete me, would your firmware allow you to do it?"

Egg acts like an impish brat sometimes. "No, but I just passed your question to Mandy. Maybe she can help you get a handle on that."

"What's this shit I hear about your not wanting to exist?" Oh fuck. Mandy has her hands on her hips, and she's glaring at me.

I fall to the floor in uncontrolled weeping. My hands cover my face. "You were right. You told me I was going to need you. But you never told me it would only come too late."

Mandy's still shielded from me, but I can hear her bewilderment. "What's too late?"

I've got no pride now. "You've obviously moved on. You don't answer my calls by phone or ESP. Just go wherever it is that's more important than being with me. Don't give me any false hopes right now. You taught the time traveler prick a lesson. Revenge accomplished. For what, I have no idea. I never did anything to you. Everything I see in half of my memory reminds me of you. How could you let me fall in love with you like this? Please go away."

"No, Z. Never again. You've learned how to need me. I've ached for you just as bad. I'm still in love with Randy, but this fresh blush of new romance with you is the most powerful thing I've felt since Babylon. I've never loved a virgin before."

My brain is smashed in by the irony. "Virgin? Are you fucking insane? I've gotten prizes for new things I've invented to do in sex! What's virgin about me?"

Stunned, I see a tear rolling down my beloved Mandy's cheek. As she opens her mouth to answer, her pouting lips almost look like they're kissing toward me. "Your heart."

The flash makes me blink as she ports us. We're in her bedroom.

Chapter X. Reunited.

Our first act of lovemaking is cuddling on her bed, listening to her mix of songs she'd prepared for this occasion. It turns into three hours of weeping, holding each other, kissing and cuddling. I never knew music could be so emotional. It was always pretty before. Now it's engaged my heart, it's beautiful. I've discovered there's something to the emotions that's like an orgasm is to the body. It's being here with her now.

Suddenly she tugs me into the air, floating us into the bathroom to take baths. I do smell like a goat. I was too depressed to bathe.

"That's exceedingly romantic!" Mandy is laughing her ass off as she draws my bubble bath.

I can't even recognize all the spices and oils in the bath. Probably most of the plants used are long extinct where I come from. "What is that incredible smell? Read me, Mandy."

"That's Vanilla. You don't have the flavor vanilla in the future?"

"We have a flavor we call vanilla, but it's really flavored with milk."

"I thought your cows were only for cheese. Where do future geeks get real milk?"

I'm shocked. Everybody knows this. "Breast milk, human milk. Once we learned how much more healthy it is, no mother ever dries out. There are ninety-year-old milkmaids. It's always better to drink it straight out of a woman then to bottle it."

Mandy squints at me, trying not to smile. I give her bug eyes, so she unshields her question while asking it. "Then how did you put milk on your cereal?"

I shrug. "We all ate together. I'd pass the bowl to Mom and she'd squirt it in."

Mandy gasps. "Now THAT is fucking hot! Got me wet in a split second!"

I grimace. "It's not exciting as it sounds. There was no love in it, no nurturing, only nutrition. If you were a milkmaid, now that would be hot, cause your love would pour out with your milk. People would desperately thirst for both at the same time."

Mandy shakes my hand. "You got yourself a deal. You knock me up, you'll get to watch a lot of people drink milk out of me."

I'm startled by her offer. She's not laughing. I feel inside her heart. She's serious. What can I say? "I'll be honored, Mandy. You really want your first to be mine?"

"Better than my twin brother's. Oops. Wasn't supposed to refer to him that way."

"I won't out you two. How did you keep from getting pregnant all this time?"

"Cervical force field. One of the first castings they'd teach young priestesses."

"Of course. Now let's talk about us, shall we?"

"What would you like to talk about, Z? Our genome? My long-lifer genes should give our kid a nice long life, no matter what your life expectancy is."

"I don't have one. Our bodies live forever and don't age past twenty. That's why they restrict conception. It's harder to get a license for having a kid than for practicing neurosurgery."

"How do they prevent birth?"

"Genetics prevent periods. Only a government issued drug can trigger ovulation. Any parent who takes a black market drug and has an unauthorized child pays life for life."

"FUCK! We were doing so well. Let's start over, and no talk about your fucked up brave new world you escaped from, OK?"

"My feelings exactly. Let's bathe each other."

* * * *

There's a washcloth between my hand and her skin, yet it feels like I'm connected to her. This is what it feels like to give physical affection. I can feel the heat of my spirit-infused aura pouring into her with all my love. As starved as I'd been, I never knew how to give either. With her, it feels different, uncalculated. Instead of orgasm, my intent is adoration. Instead of manipulation, it's communication. This is a world of difference.

* * * *

Now I have her all laid out in front of me.

Golden hair, ultraviolet eyes. Huge perky boobs that defy gravity, and no, they're not fake, though it's a fair question seeing how perfect they are. Tiny waist and big generous hips. She wants me to put a baby between those wide hips. Remote viewing her, I can already see she's taken down her cervical force field. She's serious. We'll take each day as it comes. I've been enjoying the idea of romance as a process, as a journey, without worry about destinations like orgasm and conception. The ultimate destination of music is ensuing silence, so may we be as conscious of the present as musicians!

"That's a beautiful thought, Z. Very romantic. I love all these thoughts you've just had. Please use hands, mouth, anything on me. I'll all yours."

"Use anything?" I'm suppressing a grin.

Even with my thoughts blocked for humor, Mandy gets it. "Anything but one of those sausages you sell! I want our baby the natural way."

We both crack up laughing about the sausage fest.

Then I get serious. "Of course, my darling. Just please tell me you'll port the baby out when it comes time to deliver, so you don't stretch that pretty pussy of yours."

Mandy gasps. "FUCK YEAH! I'll definitely port her out. We'll call it a P section!"

Now I'm the one shocked. "That's actually what we call that from like forever. Maybe you came up with it long ago in my own time stream."

Tears flood her eyes. "I don't want to think about an alternate me in some other time line who doesn't know you."

There's only one thing I can do to stop the chatter. I float over her and take one of her awesome boobs into my mouth, suckling her like the baby she wants from me.

She responds. "YES!"

Suddenly, it overwhelms me. I'm in tears. This is so good, yet her heart is breaking and the reason is all too clear. I know Egg can do this more safely. I send her a thought and she agrees. I speak out loud to Mandy. "My darling, I'm way too in love with you to block you off from all the love your heart holds dear to you. Having sex would be the jealous way of the flesh. Making love is different. I need you to be complete in all your cycles of the heart. Please allow me to conduct this symphony for a time."

"What do you have in mind, dear one?" Mandy feels so frightened my heart is racing.

With a flash of pink light, Randy is naked, standing over her. She gasps, looking back at me with a whole cocktail of conflicting emotions.

As her other soul mate Randy stands over her, dripping from the tip, I peel each layer of question away with an answer. "My dear one, I do need you. I'm never going away. But you must understand something about me. When I say I need you, I mean I need ALL of you. For the dickheads I've known and read about, that would mean they want your exclusive love. That's NOT what I mean. I mean I need all of your loving to be fully operational so I can love that about you. I need to watch you being in love with your other true love, without jealousy. It's OK. I get that you want my gene pool added to yours. But that doesn't mean your original soul mate doesn't get to fuck you, fondle you, kiss you and do everything true lovers do."

"You're scaring me, Zaphod. Please tell me you're not reverting to heat without heart."

"Oh, Mandy, I'm so far from that, it's not even in mind. I need to love your whole heart. Your heart is incomplete without Randy. I need to love you completely, including your ability to love Randy. How can I say I love you if I don't love that big part of your heart that loves him? My darling, it cannot be so, for I must love your love for him. I celebrate your needing him just as much as I need you. My true love, please kiss your true love and let me in on your ongoing consummation of the centuries. I promise I'll never tire of seeing it, rooting for you and taking joy in your fulfillment."

"OH GOD!" Mandy shudders in an unbidden emotional climax blasting her brain. Both Randy and I stagger under its overwhelming power. I reach out and hold him, steadying him and unable to contain myself, I kiss his neck. Mandy sees this sudden out of control affection from me and gasps in a powerful aftershock. Slain in the spirit of this love, we tumble down to the bed on either side of her, each of us taking a nipple into kissing lips. We're nursing on her.

I'm so in sync with Randy, we both pull off and speak in unison as one voice, out loud. "I promise to love, honor and cherish all of you, including your ability to love your other love."

Mandy's hips are jerking and shuddering into the air as she explodes in her most powerful orgasm yet of this session. Our three minds are swimming in this delicious sauce of requited love.

Into the silent air currents of the room, my own long-time companion and traveling partner pours out the sound of her own original music.

I've enjoyed the music Egg improvises, usually as we lounge about in hyperspace. Now she takes it up a notch. Instead of cosmic, spacey nocturnes full of dreamy spaces, it's a full symphony orchestra accompanying her own voice I've come to love. My Egg is singing an original operatic aria.

"The night is past, my loves. Rise up and come away into the full light of day. You know you cannot be who you were. We each must grow, and the fullness of our love must show. The perfect twins designed in future times and implanted in the past must secure their love with their future spouse in a union to last...forever in every place you shall find yourselves, ever knowing, ever known, ever learning, ever growing. What I cannot do, for I'm not like you...that please fulfill. Do our loving Lord's will. Now kiss and make up. Make up what, my loves? Make up anything. Just please...be brave and sing."

Stunned by the beauty of Egg's passionate soprano voice, and the undercurrents of selfless love in her message, we huddle together at first. Then we do sing. We have no words, for our minds are too blown to compose any. We do have open and pure emotion. Out of my mouth comes the most emotional, passionate and nonsensical stream of gibberish ever to pass my lips. It pours out as song.

Mandy and Randy gasp and burst into tears at my singing. As I finish, Randy looks up at me in awe. "You've just sung our song, in the language of ancient Babylon. That song was sung at our wedding."

Egg startles us by speaking, rather than singing. "Mandy, you've removed your cervical force field, yet you're not due to ovulate for weeks. Z, you know what you want to do. I can feel you craving it. So do it."

My Egg knows me so well.

Sending my private message discretely into my new other soul mate Randy, I wait.

My dear friend lowers himself to kiss upon the love of my life. His blond hair falls in perfect mix with her blonde hair. They're a match forged in the future, kissed by heaven, sent into the past and full-grown to be with me. Now they're kissing passionately, moaning and sighing, almost glowing. Actually, they are literally glowing.

Randy pushes himself into my sweetheart. I love seeing the strong muscles of his back as he pushes his hard cock up into my beloved Mandy. I'm sitting on her lower legs like a saddle, behind him as he begins to slowly fuck my darling, making love to her.

My hands finally do my deep desire. Grabbing his shoulders, I begin massaging him as he penetrates my beloved. I'm giving him the backrub of his life as he's giving my new wife the slow and deep fucking of her life. We're in one motion. I'm more content in this than I've been before. In every love-making with her, there had been this nagging feeling of being somehow incomplete. Now we're complete. I'm massaging my gorgeous man's powerful back muscles as he pushes in and out of our wife.

Feeling my longing, Randy lowers his face to her and joins her lips in a long, ongoing open mouth lovers' kiss. I lean forward with him and continue his back massage as he repeatedly penetrates our cherished woman with his adoring manhood. I'd been feeling the longing through the back of her mind, and now I'm finally enjoying all fullness. I'm inside her body now, feeling him stuffing our tunnel with his massive erection. He's taking it so slow and deliberate, he's melting our emotional hearts within our Mandy's body.