Season of the Wolf Pt. 01

Han was my first and it was everything I'd ever dreamed of. But, it isn't enough. I want to fall in love like an ordinary person. I want to start a family because it's what I want not because it's what I'm supposed to do. If I want choices in my life, and I do, I can't stay here. I care for Han. I love him. But, I didn't fall head over heels in love like I'd always imagined that I would when the right guy finally came along.

I've made a mistake in sleeping with Han and I can't change that now. Maybe, I'm not even the right woman for him. He'd never know because he's never been beyond this bubble of isolation to find her. There's a better way to live and it's out there, not here. But, none of these people know it because they've never lived it for themselves.

I'm on my feet and packing a bag. Han squints in the lamplight and tries to coax me back to bed. When I tell him that I'm leaving he's frantic and trying to convince me to stay. He doesn't want to hear my reasons for leaving. He'd never understand them anyway.

He lets me go without a fight. I can sense the pack watching from the darkness of the woods as I throw my bag into the backseat. I feel my first pang of regret for walking out on them too. I'm not leaving for good. I remind myself. I'm leaving, for now.

If there's another pack out there I'll find them. These people deserve better than the hand they've been dealt. I've lived in both worlds and there has to be a way to have the best of each. Han will forgive me for running out on him when he sees we're not out here alone. Then he'll be happy and he'll finally have the choices he deserves.

It's all a very convincing argument. That what I'm doing I do for the greater good of the pack. I just wish I could believe my own line of bullshit. I'm terrified by what I am, by what I feel for Han, and by the legacy I was born into. There's no way to win, not for any of us.

For a woman so hell bent on honesty it seems I am quite capable of lying to myself. There's the truth and it stings as it smacks me in the face. It's not due to lack of choices that I'm running. It's because there's only one that make sense and I've managed to convince myself that Han deserves better than a conflicted little girl so insecure in her own skin.

When I started this journey. I thought I knew who I was. The truth of it is that I don't have a clue. I'm a woman. I'm a wolf. I'm both and neither at the same damn time. It isn't fair to Han to walk the rosy path with him and live a life that might someday become a lie. Oh, it's a great illusion, this promise of home, hearth, and family, but it isn't entirely real. I have to do this, find others like us, for myself as much as for Han and the pack. I simply have to know what's the truth, what's real, and what isn't.

Chapter 39

I stop by the bar on my way out of town. Somehow, leaving and not saying goodbye to Coyote doesn't seem right. If anyone will understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's Coyote. It's late and Coyote is closing up shop for the night. He shoots me a grin and slides a shot of homebrew down the bar. "You finally figured it out, eh?" I nod and down the shot in an eager swallow. He raises a brow and accuses me of not being very bright. I frown at him in confusion and he snickers.

I tell him of my plan and he suggests I start my search in L.A. When I ask why he shoots a question back at me. How well did I know my adoptive parents? I have no idea what he's talking about and tell him so. He stops wiping down the bar long enough to pin me with an almost sympathetic expression. "You really don't get it, do you?" he asks. "Nothing happens by accident. Just remember that," Coyote says as I grab my purse and keys.

I suppose he's right about that. There are no accidents only events that force our lives to follow one path or another. I'm about to walk through the door when he calls my name. " Oh, by the way. You're pregnant," he says with a grin. He tells me not to blame Han. Everything that has happened was supposed to happen. I don't blame Han and I don't believe Coyote. No matter how keen his sense of smell is. He can't smell if I'm pregnant or not. I accuse him of trying to convince me to stay. He shrugs and reminds me that in a few weeks I'll figure it out for myself.

There's nothing ahead of me now but open road. I have no idea where to look for others of our kind. I'm driving past the sign that indicates I'm about to cross into another county and take my eyes off the highway long enough to glance in my rearview mirror. I see him and press on the brakes. Han in wolf form, watching me watch him. What if I am pregnant? What if I'm making a mistake by assuming we're not alone? Coyote seems convinced that we're not and Han, that we are.

It seems I've lied to myself yet again when I convinced myself my feelings for him weren't real and were nothing more than a circumstance of our dual nature. I do love Han. How it happened in such a short amount of time is inconceivable, but there it is. I'm grounded in the knowledge of that one simple fact. I love Han. No, I didn't fall in love the way I would have wanted to. But, I have to ask myself does it really matter how it happened or is it only that it did happen that is the most important thing?

I'm still convinced that I'm too conflicted for someone as grounded in facts that should be nothing more than fiction as Han is. He deserves this chance and so do I. The pack deserves it too. Blessing or curse, there's a reason we're here and I have to believe it's bigger than our biology.

If, I do manage to find others out there and, by some miracle, convince them to return here with me. How will I feel if Han chooses someone else? What if this thing...this love we share is just a matter of circumstance and nature over nurture? I lie and tell myself that if that happens it's for the best. That that's the outcome I seek above anything else. Just for Han to be happy, truly happy. He's right. I'm no picnic. He can do better. The truth is I don't want to be responsible for his happiness in life. I can't handle that burden on my shoulders.

I put the care in park and unbuckle my seatbelt. Han needs to know my feelings. The wolf carefully approaches and timidly nuzzles the palm of my hand. I say things to Han's wolf that I could never say to him in his human form. I love him. I will be back. But, I have to know either we're alone or we're not.

The pack deserves this chance and so does he. And as for myself, I have to know if what I feel is real or not. I'm crying as the wolf...Han's wolf...licks at my salty tears. He's gone, bounding into the woods and I'm standing in the middle of a deserted highway alone with nothing but my guilt at running, my doubts of my own reality, and my broken heart as my only companions.

I rest my hand on my flat stomach and wonder about what Coyote said. There's no way he could know if I'm pregnant or not. But, then again, less than a month ago if someone had told me werewolves actually existed. I wouldn't have believed that either. I try to envision what kind of mother I'll be and come up blank. The idea of motherhood is simply too remote and abstract to grasp onto at this point. I know one thing though. Whether I become a mom in the next nine months or nine years. My child will always know the absolute truth about everything and he or she will always know where it is they came from.

I don't view either set of parents as liars. I love my adoptive mother and father too much to label them so harshly. And as for my biological parents, I don't think they lied to me as much as I believe that they did the things they did to save me from the awful wonder of this truth I've found myself suddenly forced to accept.

Driving away from this place is difficult and heart wrenching. Abandoning one possible future and creating one of my own making is harder than I could have ever imagined it could be. Nothing happens by accident. Out of the many truths Coyote revealed. That one rings as the truest statement he ever made. I decide he's right and plot my course. I'm going back to California. Back to the place where it all began, or at least, where it began for me.

Doubts buzz in my head like an angry swarm of bees. I decide I know nothing. So much of what I thought was real was nothing but an illusion. I didn't know every single thing about my adoptive parents. I don't know a thing about the mysteries surrounding my biological mother's death or the decisions my father made afterwards. At this point, I question how well I really know Christine or anybody, especially myself. If there are wolves out there, I'll find them. I have to. There's no other choice left for me.

In so many ways I envy Han's blind acceptance of what he considers the absolute truth. I can't begrudge him his own particular brand of childlike innocence. Living in the outside world has made me jaded. It has forced me to question everything and to accept nothing as an absolute. I don't know, but I suspect it's because I love him that I ran. I never would have been happy living a life based on half-truths and assumptions.

He may deserve to find a mate he loves for who she is and not what. But, if he has the right to know the whole truth behind the man he is and the man he thinks he is. I guess that I'm wrong and there is one absolute I believe in. I'm not the same woman I was when I started out from California. I am pack. I am wolf. And for the first time ever, I love someone more than I love myself. It is for him that I sacrifice what could be a very comfortable, but oblivious life. I'm also human. And out of all the things I am or am not. It is that one thing, that one truth that matters more than anything else. .

Coyote

It didn't take long for Han to beat feet to the interstate once he learned the truth he denied. I'm here, at the bar, just like I've been every night for the past forty years. Drying glasses to stash on the shelves with a worn out towel. All the days kind of blend together for us, or at least they did until Grace finally arrived and stirred things up a bit.

They call me a trickster and I am. Oh no, I'm not devious. I don't need to be. In my past experience, I've found that people are all too good at deceiving themselves and really don't need my intervention in that department. I'm glad to have something to do. To have something to finally look forward to after such a long life of simply going through the motion of living from one day to the next.

Grace is our future. There's not one doubt about that in my mind. She carries the next generation in her womb. A bouncing baby girl or maybe, a boy, either one, it doesn't really matter.

The future is the future, no matter how you go about getting there. That's the only thing I have to say in my defense. I stand firm in the knowledge that the things I did to set the wheels in motion needed to be done.

We've lived this way. In this god awful remote place for far too long isolated from everyone and everything that could possibly breathe life into us again. I have no doubt that if Han knew exactly what I had done he'd kill me. It took a lot of coaxing to convince Angela and Josiah to see things my way. That Grace was better off out there and not here. Sure, there was some collateral damage. The future is as unpredictable as the people who march bravely into its golden promise. Joe was my friend too. But, I think he'd agree with me. The ends justify the means.

Grace's inquisitive nature needed little fostering from me. She is a natural born skeptic. All I had to do to get her moving in the right direction was fan the flames. I regret that it won't be me that finally proves we're not the only ones out there. I simply don't have the stamina for such a quest. The truth is that though I crave the excitement of the outside world. I have little stomach for humanity as a whole.

I tracked Grace once Han figured out where she was. While I was fascinated by that tiny glimpse into the outside world, I knew it wasn't for me. Grace is an interesting creature, but unfortunately, she isn't for me either. I can't concede myself to the fact that my mate might not be born for another century. Instead, I content myself with the hope that she's already here, just waiting for time and circumstance to catch up with her as I wait for it to catch up with me.

There's someone for everyone. I hope that's true. By drawing Grace in and pushing her out, I've maybe done something to influence my own future as well as that of the pack's. We're a dying breed and it's time to let go of our isolation and our illustrious past. To get out there and start living like we were meant to.

I didn't intend for anyone to die. Not Nathaniel. Not Angela. Not Josiah. I only wanted to find my soul mate and the guilt over what I've done will never leave me. But, I'm sure she'll be the balm that eases my pain. I'm not a leader and needed someone brave enough to blaze the path I had planned. Nothing bad will happen to Grace. I have to believe that. I've used her, but in all my nefarious plotting something happened I didn't intend to happen. I began to truly love her.

I like my head where it is. Seated firmly on my shoulders and have no intention of pursuing a love triangle. Han is a lucky bastard, but of course he was a one hundred and ninety-five year old virgin too. Poor son of a bitch. Unlike Han, I'm not content to sit back and wait for my destiny to come to me. I'm going to make my own destiny. Grace is the key to it.

Making the perfect whisky isn't the only thing I dabble in. It's far too easy to track someone's location and never set foot outside your living room. I've been traveling with Grace via the magic of the Internet. I can't say for certain that she's in California, but her cell phone is. I wonder what's in store for our little Winona. What she'll find or whom and how she'll handle it once she realizes the truth I already know but am powerless to reveal. We are not alone.