Selfish Love

"Kels," she said, and a second later she started crying.

I didn't know what to do. "Girl, don't cry."

"I can't help it." She sniffled and threw her arms around me. "I'm going to miss living here. I'm going to miss living by you. You've been so understanding through all of this and I--" She stopped to sniffle again. "I'm sorry about tomorrow. And thank you. For everything."

I blinked back tears of my own as I hugged her back. "Stop talking like we're never gonna see each other again. You live across town, not in a different dimension. And you know damn well those girls of ours aren't going to let us drift apart."

Her laugh was watery, but it was still a laugh as she pulled away and wiped her eyes. "True. It's just... change, you know?"

"I know." I squeezed her one last time before letting go. "But it's all gonna be okay."

And wouldn't it have been nice if that were true?

Jimmy had offered to pick Baylee up the next morning but given what had happened last time he stopped by my place, I opted to drop her off at the studio myself. If circumstances had been different, her excitement would have almost been sweet. As it stood, the constant chatter of "I wonder what me and Jimmy are gonna do today!" and "I never get to hang out with Jimmy by myself, it's gonna be so fun!" and "Mom? Mom. Are me and Jimmy friends or am I s'posed to call him Mr. Jimmy 'cause he's a grown up? Or Uncle Jimmy like Leia does?" as we drove was more exhausting than anything.

She was practically vibrating when we got to the studio, doing a skipping sort of run ahead of me and yanking the front door open. By the time I grabbed the coffees I'd bought and made it inside, a still-not-quite-awake-yet Jimmy had met her in the foyer.

"--the drum set again maybe, if you want to?" Baylee was saying. "Only if you want to though, 'cause if not my mom said I can read my book and she sent me some colouring stuff too. I know that sounds kinda silly 'cause colouring books are for babies but my dad got me these ones, they're really fancy and complicated and I have special markers and--"

"Baylee, give him a sec to catch up," I said, holding one of the coffees out. "Here. Figured you'd need this."

"You are a literal angel," he said gratefully, taking the coffee.

"Consider it a thank you for watching her," I said, hoping the implication of 'and nothing more than that' was clear.

He grinned. "Don't need to thank me for hanging out with my buddy Baylee here." He turned to her. "What was that you were saying about the drums?"

Baylee had beamed when he called her his buddy, but glanced at me almost nervously. "I was wondering if maybe you could show me more of the drums today, if that's okay."

"Hell yeah," he said. "Why don't you drop off your stuff in... uh, use Alex's office today, since he's not here."

She nodded eagerly and started towards the office without so much as a glance at me.

"Bye, sweetie," I said loudly.

"Bye Mom!" she hollered, still racing the other direction.

I rolled my eyes and turned to Jimmy, who had his lips pressed together to hold back a laugh.

"She seems excited," he said.

"Hasn't shut up about it," I muttered. "Anyway. I should be back by two at the absolute latest. If you have stuff you need to do or need a break from her or whatever, give her a chair and a desk and she'll amuse herself for a while. She's got books, colouring stuff, her headphones and music--"

"Kels--"

"--a bunch of snacks and a lunch, so don't worry about feeding her, she'll eat when she's hungry. Oh, and some of her homework if she somehow manages to get that bored, but I won't hold my breath. And if you need--"

"Kelsie," he said more firmly. "This isn't the first time I've babysat."

I knew that. And he knew I knew that. And we both knew that I was rambling because it was awkward and weird and we were both probably thinking about that time his dick had been in my mouth, or at least I was thinking that and he probably figured it out because I couldn't quite look him in the eye.

"Right," I said. "Okay. I'll see you later."

"Wait." The lobby was fairly deserted, but he glanced around anyway. "Do you have a sec to talk?"

Ah, fuck.

"I have to get to work," I said.

He sighed, something between frustration and discouragement on his face. "We need to talk about it, Kels. Ignoring what happened isn't going to make it go away."

"No, but refusing to acknowledge it might," I said. "I'll see you at two-ish."

I don't think he meant to laugh, but I heard him chuckle as I walked away and I thought maybe things were going to be okay. Awkward, sure, and a complete betrayal of my best friend's trust because giving your best friend's brother a blow job in the front hallway of your house is still a questionable thing to do, but maybe Jimmy and I could go back to the way things were.

And God, wouldn't it have been nice if that were true?

Part of the reason I said I'd be back at two is because that's when Jimmy said he had to play for one of the bands that was coming in to record. From what I understood, that was the majority of his job: whenever someone needed a guitarist, he stepped in to play. He did other things, too, as Alex relied on him more and more, but most of his days were spent playing on other people's albums.

So it worked out well, since I figured if I timed it properly, I'd pick up Baylee just as Jimmy was getting ready to work with whatever band needed him, and that meant I wouldn't have another awkward moment where Jimmy insisted we needed to talk about things.

Except I didn't time it properly because this particular band was apparently going through some shit. When I arrived at quarter after two, they were in the lobby, screaming at each other about creative differences as Big Mike stormed up looking grumpier than was probably healthy for a man of his age.

He didn't seem to notice me as he laid into the band members, which was fine. I slipped past the commotion and wandered down to where I knew the offices were. It was much quieter over there, save for the sound of my daughter squealing excitedly from one of the other rooms--the break room, I realized.

"--ask her for me, really?" I heard her say.

"I'll talk to her about it," came Jimmy's response. "But you're gonna have to ask yourself, Bay. You want this, you gotta go after it."

"I gotta go after it," she repeated. "D'you think maybe you can be there when I ask her? To help me if I need it?"

"Yeah, kid," Jimmy said after a brief pause. "But you won't need me. I'm sure about that."

It didn't take a genius to figure out they were probably discussing drum lessons. Or maybe it did take a genius and I should've applied for fucking MENSA or something. Either way, I was certain that's what they were talking about, which... well.

It was a problem for another day.

"Sorry I'm late!" I said as I walked into the break room. "Traffic was crazy."

Both of them turned towards me, Jimmy with a hint of guilt on his face.

"Mom!" Baylee said excitedly. "Guess what I did today?"

"Hmm," I said. "I bet you did all of your homework and were having so much fun, you started working on next week's homework, too."

"Ew," she said. "No."

"Darn," I said. "Well, go grab your stuff so we can go home and start working on it."

She grumbled, but then glanced at Jimmy and brightened up. "Mom, I gotta ask you something."

"Sure, sweetie," I said. "You can ask me in the car. Jimmy's already late to start work so we should let him get to it."

No one said being a mom was easy, but the moments like that--the ones where it felt like my stomach was about to fall out of my ass and my heart was aching with shame as she tried to hide her disappointment, thinking I didn't know what she wanted to ask instead of knowing that I was purposely trying to avoid the conversation--reminded me how hard it could be. There was an echoed whisper in my head, a familiar and haunting voice reminding me that I was too selfish to be a good parent, but then Baylee nodded and slid off the chair she'd been sitting on.

"I'll go get my bag," she said.

Before I could respond, she scurried out of the room, leaving me with Jimmy.

Fuck.

"Well, don't let me keep you," I said as conversationally as I could.

"I can't stop thinking about you," he replied.

Fuck.

"That's not--"

"I hear your concerns, okay?" He stood up, clearing his throat, and it was obvious he'd practiced saying this probably a thousand times before. "But I disagree with them. And I know it's not just up to me, but I don't understand why you think it's not worth trying. 'Cause I think it is."

I sighed, glancing at the door. "I don't have time to tell you all the reasons again. If you've heard my concerns, you already know them."

"Is that what you want, then?" he asked bluntly.

I frowned. "What?"

"You want to give up what might be a good thing because you're worried how my sister might react and--"

"You are too goddamn young for me," I hissed. "And even if you weren't, your sister is my best friend. Chicks before dicks, even if the dick in question is really nice."

He opened his mouth, but whatever he was about to say was lost in a smirk. "You think I have a nice dick?"

I took a very deep breath because if I didn't, I would have burst out laughing.

"That, right there," I said. "That is why you're too young for me."

He looked bewildered, then annoyed. "Because I'm funny? Come on, Kels. You're grasping at straws here."

"I am not."

"You realize how ridiculous this is, right?" The frustration in his voice was barely hidden. "I fucking like you and you like me. Why--"

"Because I don't want to steal these years from you!"

My voice was shrill enough that he paused. Or maybe it was because my voice cracked. Or maybe even the tear that broke free from my eye and spilled down my cheek.

"You know I know what it's like, right?" I asked, my voice wavering. "You know someone took those years from me? My ex-husband was--you know I've never kissed someone in their twenties before you? I can't take these years from you, Jimbo."

"What if I want to give them to you?"

"You don't. You can't." I looked at him imploringly. "I don't want to be the bad guy, Jimmy. Don't make me do something that puts me on his level."

"But I..." He trailed off, looking down as he fell silent.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I am, Jimbo. You deserve a girl who's gonna make you happy. I'm going to make you miserable."

He lifted his eyes, almost offended. "That's not--"

But of course, that's when Mike swaggered into the break room.

"Thought I saw you sneak past," he said to me gruffly, then glanced at Jimmy. "Shit's sorted out with the band. They wanna start in five. I told 'em if they so much as give each other a dirty look, they're banned for life. Then it's all 'oh no, Mr. Acton, please don't ban us.'" He rolled his eyes. "Fuckin' babies. They cause any trouble, end the session."

"Sure," Jimmy said.

Mike turned to me. "Been meaning to talk to you about those Swift tickets. I know I said you could pay closer to Christmas but--"

And see, this is why all of them were to blame.

If Alex hadn't decided to surprise Em with a last-minute weekend getaway while he rightfully avoided the trauma of his past, I wouldn't have been there.

If Jimmy hadn't offered to babysit Baylee, then distracted me so I couldn't leave right away, I wouldn't have been in the break room.

And if Mike hadn't brought up Taylor fucking Swift and the goddamn money I owed him when I was already raw and emotional and upset with who I was as a person, I wouldn't have said what I did.

And if I was a better person, I wouldn't have blamed any of them since I was the one entirely at fault for the whole thing.

"I know, Mike," I snapped. "I will get you the money. Jesus, if I'd known it was such a big deal, I wouldn't have asked."

Mike raised a bushy eyebrow. "Lady, you're the one making it a big deal."

I didn't need a mirror to know my face was red. The sudden dizzy rush that ran through me was more than enough of a hint.

"I will have it for you next week," I said stiffly. "Excuse me, Baylee and I should go."

"Kelsie, wait," Jimmy said, but I was too busy marching past Mike with what little dignity I had left to acknowledge him.

It wasn't the first time my pride had gotten me into trouble and it certainly wouldn't be the last. It wasn't even the last time that week. I wish I could explain it; I wish I could tell people that I knew how infuriating it was, my inability to admit that I was in over my head and that I needed help. I wish that part of me wasn't intrinsically broken, that I had an unrealistic need to prove myself so badly that I was willing to put myself through the hell and high water I could have avoided simply by telling the truth.

I wish I was the woman I wanted to be. The woman who was strong enough to stand up to her ex. The woman who was open and honest and willing to ask for the support I so desperately needed.

It's just that, the last time I did that, I ended up with Daniel.

It might have been embarrassing to tell Mike I couldn't afford the tickets right off the bat. It might have been hard to tell him I wasn't sure if I could pay him back after finding out how much they were. It might have been almost painful to admit my failings as a person and parent, that I was having a hard time paying him back, that I'd made a mistake.

But all those things would have been easier than losing my best friend.

Eleven

I spent the rest of the weekend finally giving in and letting Baylee decorate the house for Christmas. We put up the ugly-ass Christmas tree and put cartoon-y window clings on the living room window and listened to way more Christmas carols than was appropriate given that it was literally the beginning of December accompanied by Baylee's fucking tambourine. But it was wonderful, and magical, and everything I needed to get through the next week.

Monday brought an experience I hadn't had in years: seeing Em at school drop-off. I couldn't remember the last time both of us had been at the school for drop-off; maybe when the girls were in kindergarten. But kindergarten drop-off had been very different. Back then, we'd walked the girls to the door to meet their teacher and make sure all their little possessions made it into the neatly labelled cubbies and coat closets.

Now, drop-off involved a parking lane and idling cars, students letting themselves out of the backseat and rushing past the supervisors to find their friends so they could line up to go into the school together.

So while I saw Em, she was in her car and I was in mine, and we didn't manage much more than a quick wave at each other before a supervisor gave me a very pointed gesture to keep the line moving and the car behind Em honked.

It felt wrong, so I texted her after I got to work.

How was your weekend getaway? Come over for popcorn and beers tonight?

I didn't see her response until I went on my lunch break a few hours later.

ahhhhh I wish. Tomorrow maybe? I have to go grocery shopping tonight. Alex apparently has no idea how to feed an eight-year-old.

But on Tuesday, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the couch after dinner, even though Baylee was practicing her tambourine in the same room.

Wednesday, Em had a client in the evening. Thursday was Leia's guitar lesson. No matter what we proposed, it seemed like one or the other of us wasn't available since it was no longer a matter of a quick jaunt across the street. It wasn't until the weekend, when Em had promised to watch Baylee again, that I finally saw her face to face. And considering that, aside from the time she'd been away with Alex, Em and I used to see each other every single day, it... well.

It was hard.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in ages," Em said as I entered the coffee shop we'd agreed to meet at after I finished work.

"Right?" I sighed heavily and collapsed into the seat across from her, my feet and back aching as I tried to cover my exhaustion. "God, I miss you."

"We're gonna have to get better at this." She slid a cup of coffee across the table at me. "But that's a problem for later. We've only got an hour before the Girl Scout leaders realize that planning a Scouts-only Christmas party was a terrible idea and beg us to take the girls back."

I snorted and grabbed the coffee, taking a long swig in the hopes that the caffeine would kick in sooner rather than later. "Okay, tell me everything new. How was your weekend getaway? Did you manage to suck Alex's dick more or less times than when you were in Mexico? I was betting on less because Leia was there but then I thought maybe more since like, clandestine hookups while she was distracted."

She burst out laughing. "You're awful."

"You love it." I sipped my coffee and raised my eyebrow. "So?"

It sounded like a lovely little getaway. While Em had spent time getting massaged, pampered, and facialed in the not-fun way at the spa, Alex had taken Leia to Santa's Village for what basically amounted to a "dad-and-daughter" day.

"I almost sobbed," Em said as she recounted Leia's excited retelling of her day out with Alex. "I just... she loves him so much and he..." Her voice caught and she shook her head, then laughed. "Look at me, I'm turning into one of the mushy Live-Laugh-Love moms."

"That's a dealbreaker for me," I said. "Friends off."

She laughed again, but took a moment before she could speak again. "I just... it sounds so stupid to say it out loud, but I think I finally found her dad."

Cynical though both of us could be, I don't think either of us actually thought it sounded stupid.

"What about you?" she asked. "How are things with, um, Daniel?"

That was unexpected.

I stared at her, the wheels in my mind cranking and groaning as I tried to figure out why, exactly, Em had felt the need to bring Daniel up out of nowhere. At no point in the history of our friendship had she asked about him like that. At no point in the history of ever should she have thought it was okay to bring up someone that we'd only ever talked about in hushed voices, surrounded by empty beer bottles and the yellow glow of lights in one of our kitchens. And there I was, so stunned and so tired that I couldn't even muster up a response.

"I just mean after he showed up that... that one day," she continued hurriedly when I didn't answer.

"Of course," I said, but it didn't sound like my voice. "Um, they're fine, I guess? He's... he's still Daniel."

"Right, yeah." She nodded. "Can I ask you something kinda personal?"

That should have been a red flag. At no point during our friendship had we ever felt the need to ask permission to ask something; that wasn't how our friendship worked.

But I didn't catch it.

"Sure?" I said uncertainly.

She toyed with her coffee cup. "Why didn't you tell me about him asking for two weeks with Baylee?"

I swallowed hard. "How did you--"

"Jimmy mentioned it. Just in passing, after he ran into him that night he brought Baylee back early."

My head felt light. "Did he?"

"Don't be mad. I hounded him to make sure you were okay when he got back."

I tried to gauge if that was all he'd told her about after That Night. She wasn't raging angry, so either Jimmy was right and she was way cooler about shit than she had any right to be, or he hadn't told her about the whole feeling-each-other-up-in-my-front-hallway thing.

"I had to, Kels," she said. "They were gone for longer than I thought and I was so freaking worried that something had... well. He finally said you were shaken up and just wanted to talk so he'd sat with you while you calmed down. He didn't tell me anything else, he said that it was between you and him and I could ask you if I wanted but I didn't know if..." She sighed. "Sorry. This is coming out wrong."