Selfish Love

We'd just finished eating when my phone went off and I nearly hurled it all back up.

I realize I'm early, but I assumed you would be home, read the text message from Daniel. Will you be much longer? Baylee has to use the washroom and the door is locked.

"Fuck," I said.

"What?" Em asked.

"Daniel's back early."

I didn't need to say anything else; Em grabbed her purse and beelined for the bar so she could pay the bill as I texted him back.

I wish you would have let me know. I went out for dinner with Em. We'll be back in 15 minutes, I replied.

We were walking out of the restaurant when my phone rang.

"Where's the spare key?" Daniel asked without saying hello.

"Why do you need the spare key?" I asked as Em and I rushed to her car.

"You may not be aware of this, but you locked your front door," he said. "Which means she can't use the washroom, unless you've installed an outhouse in the yard. Where's your key?"

"We will be there shortly."

"She says she can't hold it that long," he said. "I don't see why you can't tell me where the key is."

My face turned red. "Seriously, Daniel? Because I don't want you in my house. Why didn't you stop at a gas station or something?"

"Seriously, Kelsie?" Daniel mocked coldly. "You'd rather our daughter urinate in a gas station bathroom instead of letting me know how to let her into the house? Is there something you don't want me to see?"

"That's not the point," I said.

"Mmm. Sure."

Em started the car and there was a long moment of tense silence over the phone. The truth was that yes, there was something I didn't want Daniel to see: my house. The entire thing. He had never set foot into the townhouse. It was my house, my space, a place that he hadn't tainted with his presence and where I was safe and secure and happy. Its dated design and old appliances weren't going to be featured in any home and garden magazines, but it was reasonably clean given that I had an eight-year-old and worked six days a week.

But was keeping Daniel out of my space worth keeping Baylee holding her bladder uncomfortably until I got home?

I gritted my teeth, then sighed as Em pulled out of the parking space.

"There's a fake rock buried in the left corner of the flower bed," I said. "You can let her in the house and wait outside the door."

"Sure," he said again, his tone flat. "God forbid I wait indoors where it's warm."

"It's not my fault you showed up early. I'll be home shortly."

"See you soon, my dear."

"I'm not your fucking dear," I muttered, not that it mattered since I'd already hung up on him.

"Are you okay?" Em asked.

"'Course I am." I fidgeted with my phone and looked out the window.

She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. "Do me a favour and text Jimmy to let him know he can bring Leia home whenever?"

I got that she was trying to distract me, but texting Jimmy was about the least useful way to do that. Still, I couldn't exactly tell her that, so I did as she asked and didn't reply after Jimmy responded, confirming he'd head over and asking if everything was okay.

Em parked in front of her house when she pulled up since Daniel's car was parked in front of my house. Even as she parked, I could see that he wasn't standing outside the door.

"That fucker," I hissed.

"Go," Em said simply, and I was halfway across the street before the door even finished swinging shut behind me.

As angry as I was, Daniel not waiting on the doorstep was something of a blessing. It meant that Em didn't have to see the effect Daniel had on me.

She'd never met Daniel. No one had; I didn't want them to. I didn't need anyone knowing that I was one person outside his presence and a very different person when he was there. It wasn't that I was pretending to be someone else or anything like that. Deep in my heart, I knew that my authentic self was the version I was before Daniel had gotten his hands on me. That was the me who had been in Em's car: all colourful hair and fun piercings and unabashed statements. The one who was a little too bawdy, a little too abrasive, a little too to-the-point, and a little too unapologetic.

That person theoretically should have been able to stand up to Daniel. That person had the strength to leave him, though it had taken her quite a while. She had the strength to avoid his bullshit every month, to firmly enforce the court's orders about what he was and wasn't allowed to have.

Sometimes, at least.

The problem was that Daniel had fucked with me and that, no matter how hard I tried, that would never fully go away. The person that I was outside of him faded when he was around for no other reason than that he terrified me.

Even years later, he terrified me.

And I was ashamed of that.

He'd been watching for me, obviously. I was halfway up the sidewalk when my front door swung open, warm yellow light spilling past the dark figure standing in the doorway and splashing along the concrete steps. I steeled myself as I glared up at him, though my aggravated march towards the door became instinctively more hesitant.

"I said wait outside," I snapped.

"Baylee asked me in," he said simply.

There wasn't enough room for me to squeeze past him into the house, so I stopped in front of the door and folded my arms. "Well, now I'm telling you to leave."

"Do I not get to say goodbye to my daughter?"

My jaw trembled as I clenched it. "Say goodbye, then."

He turned back towards the house. "Princess? Your mom says I need to leave."

"Okay, Dad!" I heard Baylee respond, seemingly from the living room.

"Can I have a hug?"

I couldn't hear her response that time, possibly because she hadn't said anything, but I watched Daniel crouch and open his arms. From my spot on the sidewalk, I saw Baylee's arms go around his neck and the top of her blonde head poke out from over his shoulder.

"Thank you for my new shoes and my stuffie and playing laser tag with me!" she rambled. "If Mr. Poplin asks me to play tambourine for them again, I'll tell you and you can come and you can bring Grandma if you want!"

"I hope so. Did you have fun today?"

She hugged him tighter. "Yep! Did you?"

"Of course." Her arms loosened and he stood up. "You be good for your mom, okay?"

I didn't see what Baylee did in response, but it made Daniel laugh.

"I will," she said. "Bye, Dad!"

"Bye, princess. I'll miss you."

"Miss you too."

I'm sure his intent was to upset me, which he did, but I pretended none of it bothered me as he turned around and stepped outside. The front door swung closed behind him and the yellow glow of light was gone, leaving me and Daniel enshrouded in the cool evening light.

"You didn't have the right to--"

"--enter your house without your permission, I know," he finished. "What would you have me do? Tell Baylee you said I couldn't stand inside? You know I don't actively try to make you seem like the bad guy, right?"

It was bullshit, but I couldn't call him on it.

"Next time you plan on being early, you need to let me know," I said.

"Of course. I wouldn't want to interrupt your date again," he replied coolly.

My face turned red. "I wasn't on a date. I was out with Em."

Daniel's eyes trailed down, taking in my outfit. "Clearly."

I tried not to retch. "Right. If that's everything..."

"Actually, I brought her back early because I needed to speak with you."

Of fucking course he did.

"What do you want?" I asked.

He gave me one of his Looks, which I pretended didn't have the same effect on me as it did when we were married. "I don't want anything except to know why you've been working so much."

My mouth dropped open. "What?"

"Baylee informed me you've been working a lot," he said patiently. "All week and even Saturdays, she said. That's fairly unusual, Kelsie. Is there something we need to discuss?"

"Of course not," I snapped. "My job is busy this time of year and I'm helping my boss out by taking a few extra shifts."

"Hmm," he said. "Interesting."

"It's not that interesting."

"It has nothing to do with the Christmas present you've insisted you can take care of yourself?" he pressed.

"Not even a little bit."

"Mm. Or the fact that Baylee wants to take music lessons?"

My face turned red. "She hasn't asked to do that yet."

"Because she thinks it's too expensive." He folded his arms. "Is that the kind of thing you want her worrying about at this age? The cost of things? Because you're too vindictive to give me a bit more time with her?"

My mouth was dry. "I'm not."

He smirked. "You know that Baylee said she wished I would have come to see her play at the concert? What was I supposed to say to that, that you wouldn't let me attend? That you didn't even tell me? There's only so many times I can be the bad guy, my dear. Eventually you need to admit you're trying to keep her from me."

"I'm following the court order," I said hollowly. "That isn't keeping her from you. That's what the judge said--"

"Then perhaps we should ask the courts to reevaluate our agreement. Or perhaps we could discuss it between us since I imagine that would work out a bit more favourably for you, considering you're now bringing in extra income that wasn't accounted for on our last review of the child support payments."

My mouth dropped open, but nothing came out. Daniel flicked one eyebrow up, a look on his face like he knew he'd cornered me. And he had, hadn't he? The extra shifts were technically extra income and I hadn't made that connection. He had, of course, because he was constantly looking for anything that would allow him to get his way. And sure, working six days a week to get that income wasn't ideal, but with the right lawyer--which Daniel could afford and I couldn't...

"What do you think, my dear?" he asked.

And for once, I got lucky. Or unlucky. Or both. In any case, I didn't have to respond because we were interrupted by a timely and unfortunate arrival.

"Hi, Kelsie!" Leia called as she raced up my sidewalk. "My mom said Baylee's home, can I see her? I wanna show her a new song Uncle Jimmy showed me today." She stopped, apparently noticing Daniel for the first time, and looked up at him. "Oh. Who are you?"

"I'm Baylee's dad," he replied calmly. "You must be Leia. Baylee has told me a lot about you."

Leia nodded, her exuberance fading slightly. "Nice to meet you." She turned back to me, eyes wide. "Can I go see Baylee?"

"I--uh, yeah. Go on in," I said, stammering only because as I responded, Jimmy walked up my sidewalk. He waited for Leia to run to the front door before speaking.

"Hey, Kels," he said casually, though he was looking at Daniel. "Sorry, Em didn't mention you had someone over. This a bad time?"

"Yes," Daniel said, his voice notably colder. "But it's fine. I was leaving." He turned to me, eyebrows raised. "Let me know when you need me to get that gift and when you'd like to discuss new agreement terms. I'm willing to be reasonable, Kelsie."

Like hell he was, but I couldn't bring myself to respond as he walked down the sidewalk and brushed past Jimmy. Both of us watched as Daniel got into his car, silent until his headlights flicked on and he drove away. Then, Jimmy looked back at me.

"What happ--"

"None of your business." I turned and started towards the front door.

The suddenness seemed to stun him and I was opening the door by the time he reacted. "Kelsie, wait."

"I'll send Leia back out, one sec."

"Goddamn--Kels, stop, please."

I don't know why I did. I don't know why his words were as effective as if he'd grabbed my arms and held me in place. Part of me wanted to blame it on the state of mind Daniel always seemed to leave me in, that facing the man who had controlled me for so long left me vulnerable and scared, not that Jimmy knew that so it's not like he could be blamed for it. Or maybe even that Jimmy had snapped, that his tone was angry and demanding and had frozen me in place.

But it wasn't. Those were the explanations I wanted, not the ones that were true.

The truth was, it was the way he said "please."

It wasn't desperate or needy. It wasn't spoken in frustration or anger. It wasn't even that it was a request.

It was just the way he said it. The sadness behind it, the regret, the resigned understanding of a yearning plea that he knew was too much.

And I couldn't keep moving.

Yellow light was spilling on me as I stood inside the entryway. From above, I could hear Leia and Baylee giggling and playing music, oblivious to the turmoil happening beneath them. A heartbeat passed, and then another, and then the hesitant shuffle of Jimmy's footsteps came up behind me.

"You said we wouldn't make it awkward," he said. "But it's been fucked."

"I'm sorry," I replied. "It's just... it's hard."

"I know. But can we talk? Just a quick talk. Please?"

The answer had been written the moment I'd frozen in place, but I nodded all the same and stepped forward so he could follow me into the house. I turned to face him as he gently closed the door, then looked up at me and swallowed hard.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked.

He opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. No words came out and he frowned, then sighed.

"Honestly, I wanted to ask if we could pretend like that night didn't happen and go back to how things were because I fucking miss you," he said, his voice mindfully low as we listened to the girls upstairs. "But now I... that was him, right?"

I couldn't say the words, so I nodded again.

"Em said he showed up out of nowhere and let himself in. She wanted to make sure you were okay. Are you?"

"I'm fine," I said.

"You're not."

"Of course you would know better than me," I snapped. "Why'd you even bother asking if you were so sure of the answer?"

"Because I don't know how to handle this," he said. "I don't know how to handle you and what... what happened between us. And I don't know where that leaves us so I don't know how to tell you I wanna be here for you."

"It's not your problem," I said. "You don't have to worry about--"

"I want to, Kels!" His voice was a low hiss as he looked at me imploringly. "I want to make sure you're okay and I want that even if it's just as your friend. So yeah, I haven't stopped thinking about you since that night and yeah, I still want you more than you'll ever fucking know, but I want to make sure you're safe more than I want anything else."

And for some reason, that was what broke me. For some reason, hearing his concern in that rumbling whisper touched part of me, shattered part of me, opened a part of me to him that shouldn't have been opened. I had a million theories ranging from being starved for someone to care about me to simple adrenaline coursing through me after Daniel's visit, but the truth of it was that it didn't matter.

He said those words, and I felt those words, and instead of laying out my fears and frustrations in words of my own, I kissed Jimmy again.

If he was surprised by it, I couldn't tell. He didn't so much as gasp when I pressed my lips to his and his arms wrapped around me immediately, as if holding me would keep me from pulling back and realizing my mistake.

It didn't. I knew damn well it was a mistake from the moment I touched him, but he didn't need to hold me in the hopes I wouldn't stop. I had turned away all semblance of logic the moment he called out for me.

A groan rumbled against me as I slipped my tongue into his mouth. His tongue flicked against mine before teasing the piercing in my lip. I whimpered, the sound muffled against his face, and his arms tightened around me.

"The girls," he murmured. "What if they...?"

I shook my head. "Just don't be loud."

I saw a question flash across his face, probably something about what we'd be doing that he'd have to keep quiet for. But he didn't need to ask, not when I kissed him again before grabbing his hand and bringing it to my breast.

He exhaled softly, hesitating for a moment before cupping my breast. I sighed against his mouth and ran my hand up his arm and to his shoulder before tracing my fingers along his neck. Beneath my fingertips, I felt him shiver before he shuffled closer to me, and then closer, and then used his hips to guide me towards the wall.

I let him only because he made the move first; had another few heartbeats gone by, I probably would have done the same thing, only pressing him to the front door instead of him pressing me to the wall in the front hallway. It didn't matter which of us was pressed where. Both of us were trapped in a moment we weren't supposed to share and there was nowhere, fucking nowhere, we'd rather be.

I knew that because as he held me against the wall, I could feel the effect it was having on him. And while my body didn't have quite the same physical indicator as his did, I knew damn well the effect it was having on me.

A soft moan escaped my lips as he pushed his hips against me, one of his hands moving to the wall so that he was towering over me, using his height and his body to make me feel so small and so safe. His lips worked against mine as he fondled me through my shirt, the taste of his mouth and the warmth of his breath making me dizzy as I tried to get my fill of him.

It wasn't until I let my fingers trace back down his arm and to his waist that he made that beautiful, rumbly groaning sound. I touched his body delicately at first, growing bolder only when I heard his breath quicken. He reacted so openly, so honestly, so unabashedly, and apparently I was super into that. My skin felt like it was tingling as desire washed over me and my heart began to race so fast that when he slipped his hand beneath the hem of my shirt, I was sure he would feel it pounding.

If he did, he didn't say anything, probably because he was a bit distracted sliding his hand into my bra and groaning as that enticing bulge of his grew even more. The pad of his thumb brushed across my nipple before toying with the piercing there and I squirmed, pressing my lips together in an attempt to muffle the high-pitched noise I made.

Hopefully it was muffled enough that it didn't travel up the stairs because Jimmy most certainly heard it. I felt him smirk before he did it again, his smile widening as I failed to keep quiet once more.

"Fuck," he breathed. "You're so hot."

There was no accounting for taste, but as he toyed with my nipple piercing again, I was grateful that his sucked.

The girls being upstairs was both a blessing and a curse. It was a curse for obvious reasons, not the least of which was that we didn't want to be discovered. It was a blessing because it gave us a firm and unyielding reason to be quick, so the amount of teasing he could subject me to was limited.

And trust me, I was very grateful for that.

It hadn't taken much to get me wet. Between the adrenaline and fear left behind after Daniel's impromptu visit and the relief at finally indulging my feelings for Jimmy, every single one of my senses seemed heightened. The way he was playing with my nipple was setting my body on fire, that deep place in the pit of my stomach aching with need as he explored me. His body was driving me mad, the way his cock was both there and not, hidden beneath layers of fabric instead of buried inside me where I wanted it.

And oh God, did I want it.

But I also knew that was dumb as fuck. I mean, it just wasn't possible. Baylee's bedroom was across the hall from mine, so sneaking upstairs so Jimmy could fuck my brains out was asking for trouble. And sure, the living room was right there, but the couch was fully visible from the stairs and that meant there was a very real risk of the girls stumbling on me fucking Jimmy senseless.