Sensitive Research - Discoveries 02

As JJ leaned in to hear me, she shook her head. "Oh hon, trust me, you're not the first researcher to get pulled deeply into her study in ways that probably don't meet all of the ethical guidelines. As long as you're able to put that aside, and not have it affect your analysis, that can be okay. And as long as you're not harming your research subjects. You haven't done that, have you?"

I flashed back quickly to what had happened to me in Chicago. "No," I agreed, still in a quiet voice, "I know I didn't harm anyone else." And then, after a few moments, I added, "Only myself."

She stared at me, waiting for me to elaborate. I felt like I was in a battle of wills; I didn't want to tell her about what happened, but as I gazed into her beautiful dark eyes, she was silently pressing me to do so. I decided I need to buy some time, so I stood up.

JJ reached out and grabbed my hand. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah," I replied, "I just want to get a glass of water." I turned and headed for the bar, hoping the short stroll and some cool liquid would help me to gather my thoughts. I waited for a moment until the bartender noticed me, and asked for a glass of ice water.

"You the DD?" she asked, smiling at me as she filled the glass.

"No, just had enough to drink," I smiled back at her as she handed it across the bar. I took a big gulp, and returned to the table.

As I put the glass on the table and sat, JJ looked at me silently, waiting to see if I was going to explain what I had meant before I left. I took another sip; the cold water felt good, and helped calm me down. What the hell, I thought, I might as well trust her. And better to open up to her than any colleagues back at my university.

"Well, I don't think I was really harmed," I said as a way of starting my explanation.

"What happened?"

One more sip, the cool liquid emboldening in a way that alcohol did not. "Well, I got involved with one of the dommes in my study and one of her clients as well."

"Involved?" she queried, with a cocked eyebrow.

In for a penny, in for a pound. "One of the dommes topped me, and then one of her clients did as well." I let what I said sit out there, without any further amplification.

"Wow," was all JJ said. Now it was her turn to take a gulp of her Cosmo, finishing it off.

"You want to talk about it? You seem a little upset."

"I don't know, to be honest," I told her. "I don't think I'm that upset about what I did, as much as I'm upset about the potential breach of professional ethics."

JJ again tried to console me, taking my hand and squeezing it this time. "Let it go, Susan," she tried to reassure me. "You've told me you don't think it affected your study or any of the subjects. You shouldn't be beating yourself over the head about it."

"Yeah, I know, I know. But I'm having a hard time letting it go. In my head, I know you're right, but it's my heart that I'm having trouble convincing."

Still holding my hand, JJ asked, "How did your heart feel about what happened to you, forgetting about the study?"

I sighed in response. "Mixed feelings. On the one hand, it opened up such a Pandora's box for me. I'd never been involved with women before, and never myself been in the BDSM scene, though I've had friends who have been and have certainly done the research about it. On the other hand," I added, with a shy smile, "it was probably the most intense and exhilarating sexual experience I've had in my life."

"I'm sure it was," JJ said, in a reassuring voice. "And I can understand why you felt so conflicted."

She took her phone out of her purse and pressed the on button for a moment. Glancing at it she said, "Well, it's getting to be time for me to go. You ready?"

"Sure," I said, taking a last drink from my glass. I grabbed my purse and rose, following JJ as she walked toward the exit.

We walked outside into the now cool air, and she pointed toward her car, a Lexus SUV. I walked around to the passenger side as she got in and started it up. As I opened the door, I heard the sound of some jazz coming from the radio.

She started driving back west toward the 10 and on to Santa Monica. We didn't say too much, we both just sat and listened to the SiriusXM jazz station she had on.

As she came into Santa Monica, I noticed that she wasn't heading toward Maggie's house, but was going a little further up the coast. "I think you've gone too far up for Maggie's," I said respectfully.

"I know," she responded, pulling up to a red light. She turned and looked at me. "We're not going to Maggie's, we're going to my place. I'd like to continue our conversation about your foray into the BDSM scene."

"I don't know, JJ, it's kind of late. . ."

She cut me off. "Susan, I'm going to say this only once," she instructed in a firm tone. "I'll take you back to Maggie's, but I really don't think that's how you want this evening to end."

"What do you mean?" I asked her, confused.

The light turned green, and she accelerated again. Facing the road, she said, "I think that you'll have a better time if you come home with me. Trust me on this one. So what'll be?"

The authoritative tenor in her voice must have flipped a switch inside me, because I responded meekly, "Okay, I'll go with you."

"That's a good girl," she responded, reaching over and patting my knee as she drove on.

To be continued...