All Comments on 'Serenity Ch. 01'

You asked for feedback, so here's some, both good and bad. I liked the story and found it very interesting up until the last fifteen paragraphs or so. It had a very promising start, but you should consider getting an editor, in my opinion.

Five, for the promising start.

I think you used "allowed" when you meant to say aloud. Also, some of your expressions are incorrect. Other than that this is a very intriguing story! I'm a sucker for sexual tension/enemies turned into lovers type of plots.

can't wait for the next chapter!

I thought it was interesting and I find myself anxiously waiting for your next update :)

Great Beginning!

Nice start, needs some work but very promising, you need some one to proofread for you that is for sure, we tend to miss things when we read our own stories. I can't wait for the update

Great start keep it coming cant wait for the update.

Great start.

I love the cliffhanger.....can't wait to read the next chapter. A few grammatical errors, but nothing major. Good job.

I like the start of this story. I agree that a proofreader would be good, but I like it so far. Looking forward to more of the story.

Crazy ending. Well let me start off by saying I'm glad you're trying your hand at writing. But I love the plot. The concept is intriguing and I honestly don't know how this will all work out, which I can't always say after reading a chapter. So as far as the helpful part of this comment lol; be careful with sentence structure. Sometimes you have sentence fragments that are difficult to understand but then you finish the sentence in a new sentence right after. Lol I'm not sure if that makes sense. It isn't anything an editor can't quickly patch up. Although I do love this 👍

Yeah, I completley agree. I need an editor, i messaged quite a few but no one really responded but don't worry I'll have one by the next chapter! Grammar was never my strong point!

Glad you all like the general story though!

I'll repost it when i find an editor if need be!

Thanks again.

Mimi xxx

you're really pushing the whole 'my mummy died so I'm too sad for life thing' aren't ya? doesn't own nice clothes? must be cause of my mum! you could have at least blamed it on her having to support her useless dad who apparently stopped supporting a 12 year old. Yes, your grammar is pretty shit but so is your logic and story writing skills.

Clearly, you are a dickhead/asshole who is too cowardly to put your name next to your comment. I bet you couldn't create half the amount of interest she has in just her first installment.

I wasn't trying to put it that way, I dont think you were understanding what I was trying to put across. My point was that she doesn't have dressy clothes because she's never needed them, she's been too busy supporting her father. In fact at no point does her mother come into it, nor does either of them being scruffy, she's not scruffy. She just doesn't have formal attire, many of us don't.

Thank you for your feedback anyway.

Mimi

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you could use an editor, but the bones of a great story are there. The ending was a complete shock and will hopefully shock her father out of his funk...talk about sad and selfish! Looking forward to what comes next, keep it up!

I love Honey's character and how shy and ridiculous she is. Obviously there's work to be done in terms of grammar but I enjoyed this chapter. Keep writing and I'm sure you'll get better over time

I'm loving it so far.

5 Stars.

This might seem unimportant but is Honey mixed? Like half white/black? Or is Blake her stepdad? Just curious.

No, I'm always open to questions!

Honey is mixed race, her real dad is Blake

Mimi

xoxo

I have to say that this story is very confusing in how the charaters relate to each out, Having said that, very well written so far. i look forward to more. It took me awhile to figure out how Honey related to the preface of ten years earlier... i'm also confused by the fact the families had interacted on at least one occaission that Honey didn't reconize the De Mont last know. I"m sure even at 10 to 12+ The name of the DR treating her mother whould have stuck in her head. I'm 59 and I remember the name of my mothers last boyfriend who I'm sure I only met 4's before she died when I Hadn't seen her since I was 12 and died when I was 14....