Sex, Real Sex

"Sweetheart, I promise you we won't add to the family, okay?"

"Then why are you doing it?"

"You'll understand when you're a little bit older."

"When you're a lot older, I hope! Now, sweetheart... Pass your Dad his robe and then go back to bed."

***

'Where's that damn light switch?'

'Oh, you bloody dog! Couldn't you have held it until morning? Get out of my way! And stop trying to lick me! In your bed... Go on! Get in your bed! Goooood dog! Now, where's that pooper scooper? God, what a mess!'

''Just how many times must I remind you?' Why is always my fault... Eh? Tell me that! Maybe because it usually is? No, I'm sure I can remember some occasions when she's screwed up...'

'You know what you cost me, dog? Eh? You cost me a fuck, that's what you did; and it was shaping up to be a good one, too. And there aren't too many of those, these days. And licking my face will not make up for it. So, get in your bed... Go on! Goooood dog! Now, go the fuck to sleep!'

***

"Did you take him out?"

"Umm... No."

"I bet he needs to pee, too."

"It's raining, for Christ's sake! ... Oh, bloody hell! All right!"

"Thank you, honey. Try not to wake me when you come back to bed. Goodnight!"

***

Wednesday evening

"Come to bed, honey."

"You're naked!"

"And ready!"

"But I can't! I've got this damn lecture to prepare for tomorrow morning!"

"Bugger!"

"I didn't think you liked that word."

"Just shut up and write your beastly lecture, okay? And don't wake me up when you come to bed."

"If I come to bed, you mean... I'm really sorry, honey. 'Night."

"'Night."

'Damn! I was all ready to pick up where we left off on Sunday. Poor Bill... He's too old to be pulling all-nighters. Chloé might have warned him.'

'What can I do now? These clean sheets feel wonderful against my ass - Oh, I don't like that word, do I? Well, there's a time and a place for everything, and tonight's the night for 'ass'! If Bill were here, I'd tell him. That would get him going! My tits feel pretty good too. Maybe I'll just rub my nipples a little... When was the last time I did this? Must be months ago! Let's see if I can still remember how to do it...'

'I really enjoy sex with Bill, even after all this time. He does love to fuck! Oh, there's another one of those words. What the hell! No one's listening.'

'It's nice that he doesn't get jealous when I tell him about my other lovers. Have to keep him guessing whether they're real or imaginary, of course. It really turns him on! Funny that I had to tell him why. I wonder how I'd feel if he told me about his? We've never talked much about that. Maybe I should ask him sometime.'

'Wish I had more than two hands, so I could pinch both nipples and finger my pussy at the same time. That's why I need a partner. Or maybe I should get one of those vibrator things. Sally says she wouldn't give up hers for the world... But then of course she's single. I wonder what her sex life is like these days. I know what it used to be like, of course... Oh, now I'm getting all wet and slippery; that's lovely!'

'If my breasts were a bit bigger, I could suck my own nipples. Wouldn't that be something? God! I remember the first time she sucked them! Thought I was going to die! It sent these waves of feeling deep into my cunt, just like I'm feeling right now. Oops, there's another one of those forbidden words. Poor Bill... I do give him a hard time!'

'Maybe one hand for my nipples and one for my clit... Let's see how that works. All right! I think we're getting somewhere. Oh, I miss having sex with Sally! Whoa! Where did that thought come from? We haven't slept together since... it must be since Bill and I got married, more's the pity. I wonder what Bill would say if he knew.'

'I remember the way she used to lick my clit. It takes a girl to do it right, though Bill's pretty good at it, I'll give him that. And he always takes the time to get me really ready before he comes into me. Hmm... like right now? It'll have to be a finger... maybe two?... Ahh! That's good. And then out again and up between my pussy lips and round and round my clit and then back into my vagina and round my clit again and deeper into my vagina and... I'm going to come! YESSS!'

'Shhh, I mustn't wake the kids.'

'Oh, not done yet?'

'Imagine Sally and me together and Bill masturbating beside us...! Oh, WOW! That seems to be a turn-on! Ahhh!'

'Another one?'

'Imagine Bill screwing me while Sally watches us and kisses me... Yes!... AHH! Lovely, lovely, lovely! I think I'm onto something here!'

'What, still not done?'

'Imagine... Do I dare? Let's see, shall we? Bill screwing Sally... Ohmigod! With me - Yes? - watching the two of them - Yes! - locked in each other's arms... YES! OHMIGOD...! AHHHH...!'

'Christ, that was intense, and now I'm soaked! Where's that tissue?'

'I love him so much... So why does it turn me on to imagine him fucking my best friend, for god's sake?'

***

Thursday evening

"I gave a damn good lecture today..."

"...though you say so yourself..."

"...particularly since I knew bugger all about the subject!"

"Walk on water, too, can you?"

"No, but you should see me in the sack! Wanna mess around?"

"Honey, I'm really not in the mood; I've got a headache."

"Real or diplomatic?"

"What difference does it make? I'm just not in the mood, okay?"

"Oh... Okay, I guess..."

"Oh, stop pouting! Get on with it, if you must! Get it over, would you?"

"It's no good if you're not with me."

"Then why don't you just, you know..."

"Masturbate?"

"You know I don't like that word."

"Please yourself."

"Better."

"Very funny... How about 'DIY'?"

"Oh, poor Dad; and Mom!"

"Won't you join me?"

"No, I will not! I'm going to sleep, so don't shake the bed, okay? And don't mess up the sheets."

"May I hold your hand, then?"

"What? While you do it? No, it would keep me awake. Goodnight!"

***

'Shame... I always feel horny after giving a good lecture. Oh well, let's see if I can get it hard without touching. If I can, I'll masturbate; if not, I won't. That's fair, isn't it?'

'That little hottie sitting in the front row nearly put me off my stride this morning. The way she batted her eyelids at me every time I looked her way. I wonder if she does that for Chloé... Oh, that got a reaction; I can feel something stirring... Why do I find sex between women so erotic?'

'I wonder if Kate's ever had sex with another woman. Would she tell me about it if she had? In this bed? Wouldn't that be something! It'd be her best friend Sally, I bet. She'd drop by unexpectedly when Kate was relaxing by the pool - No, I know we don't have a pool, but I know just where it would be if we did have one, so just shut up and let me fantasize here!'

'Kate's naked under her wrap because she always swims in the nude when she's alone... And she and I always swim naked together, for that matter - whenever the children aren't around, of course. Chance would be a fine thing!'

"Sal! What a lovely surprise! Wine? I'll grab another glass."

'Girlchat, girlchat, more girlchat... Then:

"How about a swim, Sal?"

"Shoot! I didn't bring a swimsuit."

"Honey, I remember your lovely bod from back when we roomed together in college! Those were the days! Remember all the things we got up to?

"Why don't we swim nude? Come here and let me undress you... There! You're as beautiful as ever! Now, may I kiss you?"

"Yes, please! Mmm... I love the feel of your naked breasts against mine. Oh, how I've missed you! Kate...?"

"What, love?"

"Have you ever told Bill about you 'n' me?"

"No, not yet. I'm keeping it for a special occasion. He loves to hear about my sex life before I met him. It really turns him on."

'That got a rise out of me! All right, all hands on dick. Wow, I'm hard! Funny how I always use the same hand; it just doesn't feel right with the other one. I wonder if Kate's ever really had sex with an uncircumcised guy. It certainly sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Ahh! Now we're getting somewhere.'

"So, how's your sex life these days, Sal?"

"I miss the times we had together... I really miss sleeping with you, you know!"

"Yes; me too."

"Really? I always thought you and Bill were happy together."

"Oh, we are, we are... Very. But it's not quite the same, is it?"

"You know my perfect fantasy?"

"What's that?"

"Promise you won't hate me if I tell you?"

"Promise!"

"The three of us having sex together. You know I've always fancied Bill..."

"Yes, I've thought about that too."

"You have?"

"He'll be home soon; shall we let him find us here by the pool or in bed together?"

'What'll it be this time? Better put them straight to bed, I think. Things are coming along nicely.'

"Take me to bed, Kate... please!"

"Sixty-nine?"

"Mmm... Your cunt's as sweet as ever!"

"Yours too... Kneel over my face, love. No one sucks on my clit like you do, Sal!

"Oh! Hello, Bill! How long have you been watching us?"

'Silly question, seeing as how I wrote this entire fantasy! I'm gazing down at two beautiful women wrapped in each other's loving arms, their heads between the other's spread-eagled legs: four buxom breasts, three best friends, two hairy pussies, and a penis in a pear tree! Where did that come from?'

"Sally here's got the hots for you, honey. I think she'd like you to fuck her."

"Hi Sally! Didn't recognize you from behind. Don't stop what you're doing."

"Won't you join us girls? I'd love to see you screw her."

'Who said that? Does it matter? Oh, it won't be long now...'

"Come on! Come and fuck her. She's ready for you. Let me guide it in!"

'I must decide which one I'm fucking, for god's sake! Would I rather fuck Kate or Sal? Whose lovely ass is this in my face? It must be Sally's. I think I'll fuck her while she and Kate suck each other's clits. That way, Kate can watch my prick sliding in and out of Sal's vagina.'

'Oh, look at that little hole! It's amazing how it can stretch to take me in... She's much tighter than Kate! No kids, I guess. I fucking love that feeling of banging against her ass as I thrust into her! And it feels fabulous when she pushes back against me like that! I think she must be enjoying it, too. My balls are swinging right in Kate's face, and her eyes are glued to my prick... except it keeps on disappearing!'

'The girls are really getting it on. Eating each other as if they were born to it! I wonder who'll come first? I bet we all come at the same moment. That's easy to arrange in a fantasy!'

'Am I being unfaithful to Kate? No, this was all her idea, remember? And she's enjoying it, the hussy! Whatever... It don't matter no mo', 'cos here it comes... Yes! Here it comes! Three, two, one... BLAST OFF! OH, Oh, oh... Splish, splash, splosh! Ahh...! That feels so fucking goooooood! How I love orgasms! Now, where's that tissue?'

'Mmm... that was nice; nicer than nice. Helps me sleep, too... Maybe I should patent it.......'

***

Friday evening

"You coming to bed, or what?"

"Soon. It's the last quarter."

"I thought you said there were still three weeks to go..."

"Exhibition game, in England; it's raining."

"God, you're an addict! I'll be reading, then."

***

"Who won?"

"Do you care?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Well then. How's your book?

"Do you care?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Well then. Let me finish the chapter."

***

"Daddy, daddy! There's a monster hiding under my bed!"

"Oh, sweetiepie... He's not there again, is he?"

"What are you doing? Do you want to terrify the poor girl?"

"I'll handle this... Come on, love. Let's you and me chase him away, shall we?"

"He's really big and scary tonight, Daddy!"

"But he doesn't scare us, does he, love?"

"Not if you're with me, Daddy."

"All right, you monster! Now, you just listen to me! You're a very bad monster, and you're scaring my little girl here, and she needs to get some sleep 'cos she's got kindergarten in the morning."

"Tomorrow's Saturday, Daddy."

"Oh... so it is. Well, monster; she needs to get some sleep because... Why do you need to get some sleep, honey?"

"'Cos I'm going to Samantha's birthday party tomorrow."

"Right! Hear that, monster? You're going to spoil Samantha's birthday party if you go on being so scary, so just stop it! ... What's that you say?

"Sweetheart, he says his name is Harvey and he was thrown out of monster school because he wasn't scary enough, and then he got lonely and thought that maybe you and he could be friends."

"Really?"

"S'what he said, but I'm not sure that I believe him. I think I'd better throw him out of the window anyway, don't you?"

"No, Daddy! You mustn't throw my friend Harvey out the window! Can't we let him sleep under my bed... Please, Daddy, please?"

"Well, you'll have to share your breakfast with him in the morning, you know."

"That's all right, Daddy. Just let him stay, please!"

"Well, if you're sure..."

"Yes, I'm sure. He can keep all the scary monsters away!"

"That's brilliant, sweetie! You and Harvey will make a real good team."

"Will you be on our team, Daddy?"

"Sure I will, love. Thank you for asking me."

"But I want Harvey to be the captain."

"Oh! ... Well, all right; I suppose..."

"You don't mind, do you Daddy? He's never been captain before, you see."

"That's very caring and thoughtful of you, sweetie. Of course I don't mind. Hop back into bed now and I'll tuck you in. Goodnight, sweetheart. Er... Goodnight, Harvey."

"Goodnight, Daddy. Goodnight, Harvey."

***

"Is she okay?"

"Sure, but she'll need an extra helping of Wheaties in the morning."

"Why, for goodness sake?"

"For Harvey; he's sleeping over."

"Who the hell is Harvey?"

"Don't ask."

***

Saturday evening

"Are we alone?"

"No, we're together."

"At last!"

"Children?"

"Grandparents; sleepover."

"That'll be good, for all four of them."

"By the way, just how big is Harvey? Mom wanted to know."

"Well, he is on the small side, for a monster. After all, he does fit under her bed."

"I told Mom that he didn't need his own room, but he would expect breakfast. She asked me what monsters eat."

"She'll grow out of it..."

"Mom?"

"Probably not."

"So, how would you like to spend the evening?"

"Watching TV...?"

"I think I'll file for divorce on Monday morning."

"... after one last night of passionate sex, maybe?"

"It'd better be good, then. Let's open a bottle of wine and take it to bed with us."

"A threesome!"

"Say what? Oh! I see what you mean. I thought for a moment there..."

"What?"

"Never mind. Yes, let's; I'll fetch the glasses."

***

"Come here and kiss me... Ugh! Did you shave this morning? You feel like sandpaper!"

"Sorry, honey. I'll be right back."

"Why don't you take a shower at the same time?"

"Do I smell?"

"Just take a shower, okay? And trim your fingernails while you're at it! And your toenails... You gouged a great chunk out of my leg when you kicked me in bed last night. Then hurry back. I'll be waiting for you."

"Just save me some wine, okay?"

***

"That's better. Now, slip off your robe and come to bed. Arm around me? That feels nice."

"Where's that wine? Thanks... What a week!"

"Mmm... Honey, you remember that conversation we were having last Sunday, the one Mom interrupted?"

"Yes; I wondered when we'd get back to that. What about it?"

"Well, it occurred to me that I've told you a bit about my past sex life, but I've never asked you about yours."

"I assumed you'd rather not know."

"Well, now I'm not so sure. I don't think I'd feel threatened anymore - not after all this time - so let's give it a try. Indulge me a little?"

"Sure, I'll tell you anything. What do you want to know?"

"I want to know you - to get right inside your head. So... I know! Why don't you start by telling me what you thought about when you masturbated the other night?"

"Oh! Well, that was just a silly fantasy; you don't want to hear about that. Why don't I tell you about my first girlfriend instead?"

"No, I want to hear about your silly fantasy. From the look of the soggy tissue I found next morning, it really turned you on."

"You may not like it, you know."

"Try me."

"Oh, god! Well, it was about you, of course..."

"So far, so good."

"And... er... another woman..."

"Interesting... Anyone I know?"

"Umm... Well..."

"Come on! You said you'd tell me anything. And no 'alternative facts' in this bed!"

"Look, this was just a fantasy, okay? It really doesn't mean anything."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

"Here goes, then... It was Sally."

"Yes, I thought it might be. I've noticed the vibes between you two."

"You have?"

"Sure. I know you both pretty well, you know. So, what were we doing?"

"'What weren't we doing?' is more to the point!"

"Sex?"

"Look, it was just a fantasy, okay?"

"Go on; give me details. It's only fair."

"Well, in my fantasy - it was a fantasy, remember! - I cast you as lovers..."

"Really?"

"I said you might not like it. Why don't we talk about something else?"

"No! I want to know what Sal and I did together."

"This is cruel!"

"No, it's not; it's hot."

"You mean you don't mind?"

"Your answer's between my legs. Feel."

"You're wet and swollen already!"

"Right! So, what did Sal and I do together?"

"She dropped by unexpectedly when you were having a glass of wine by the pool."

"We don't have a pool."

"Fantasy?"

"Oh, okay. Go on."

"You'd been swimming nude like you always do..."

"I do?"

"We both do, when the kids aren't around. And Sal hadn't brought a swimsuit, so you asked if you could undress her... I'm sorry, honey! It's only a silly fantasy!"

"Go on..."

"You had been planning to swim, but once I'd got you both naked and feeling each other's breasts, I needed to move the action along a bit - to keep pace with my arousal, you know? - so you went straight to bed together, although you knew I was due home any minute."