All Comments on 'Sexy Short, Ethan & Lana'

Hey ICM8781! First of all, good work on taking the plunge and submitting a story. Takes brass balls to throw that first one out there into the wild where anyone can have a go at it.

You asked for feedback on the new story thread in the forums, so here's mine. Keep in mind I'm no professional, and these are only my opinions as another writer. Take from them what you will, and leave what you don't feel is helpful.

- First things first, your writing is very good in terms of technique. I saw some minor flaws like the occasional change of tense (page 1: "Meanwhile Ethan IS having a less fun time..." when everything prior to this has been written in the past tense), and some punctuation errors (the only punctuation that should end dialogue when there's more of the sentence afterwards is a comma, or a question mark when the speaker is asking a question. ie: '"[...]I don't really want to do anything but hold you right now." Ethan explained.' should instead read, "[...]I don't really want to do anything but hold you right now," Ethan explained."). I highly recommend using the volunteer editor program here at the site for your next submission, because these guys and girls are MERCILESS when it comes to catching and fixing errors, and the difference between stories submitted after a thorough editing job and those who just post without a final editorial pass is the difference between that story scoring 3 stars and that same story earning a 5-star rating.

- Your story is very short, which makes it a quick read, and if that's all you're going for then you've done quite well. But it's also posted to the Romance category, and it's...not to sound blunt, but it's not terribly 'romantic'. It's sexy, absolutely, and just fine for a one-scene erotic interlude, but 'Romance' here is more about the seduction and the sizzle as opposed to the sex. Right now you have a one-shot love scene with minimal build-up and characters whom we don't really get to know much about. 'Erotic Coupling' is a better choice for this kind of short "porn without plot" story. I'm not a fan of PWP, but you can take that with a grain of salt; thousands of readers come here for exactly that kind of story so it can be wildly successful, just probably not in the Romance category.

- If you are bound and determined to earn the coveted 'H' in the Romance category, head to the "How To" section, locate MarshAlien's "How to Write Romance", and read the ever-loving bejeezus out of it. Tink4Fairy's "How to Break the Literotica Top List" is also great for learning what, specifically, the enthusiastic readers of each category are looking for when they go browsing.

- Dialog needs to be much stronger. Every line that passes from the lips of your characters should be read out loud by you, the writer, before it's committed to the final version. If it sounds awkward when you recite it because it's too long, too obtuse, too confusing, or any other reason, then it must be re-written ASAP. Your characters need to sound life-like, or the immersion factor vanishes. The biggest offender for me is when Ethan's about to blow his load. An orgasm is HUGE, it's incredible, it sets fire to nerve endings you forget exist. And Ethan's response to this pending explosion of release is: "Ethan finally said something, "I'm going to cum!"" He sounds about as excited as he would sitting down to do his taxes. Make sure your readers KNOW he's about to hit that point, don't give poor Ethan a one-sentence hand-job; after all, Lana's beautiful, and he's having sex with her--we know he can do much better than just thrusting away silently before finally uttering the biggest cliche in all of sexdom. He deserves it, and so do your readers. :)

- Also with dialog, it's not a good habit to have a character 'speak' repeated sounds and moans. The reader's imagination will happily fill in all of the awesome nonsense-noises characters make during an erotic encounter. As an in-story example, you have lines like: ""Uhh, ahh, uhh, please," Lana said." Consider changing this to something more descriptive (for example: ""Please...!" Lana moaned in between increasingly louder gasps of pleasure.") This conveys the same thing, but allows the reader to hear Lana's sexy little squeals the way (s)he likes them best, making him or her an active participant in your fantasy instead of a passive observer. And active participants LOVE leaving massive 5-star ratings and praise-filled comments in return. :)

In short: a good start for your first submission. Your writing skill is already well above "rank newbie" and with more practice and a determined editor at your side, you'll be earning your own legion of followers and cracking the top lists in no time. Hope this helps! :)

Thank you, I wanted exactly this kind of critique. As far as category being wrong, I agree, when I read through the the erotic coupling category of stories, it didn't seem like the kind of fit compared to the other stories initially, and romance was really the only one I really saw other wise. But now that it's explained, you are right PWP, isn't that romantic. Faux work. The thing with puting faux work in dialog, was kind of special for this. I felt there was so little dialog, that using a little faux work for dialog filled in the emptiness of noise otherwise. I removed them in my base copy and reread, and there are pluses and minuses for removing the faux work. I have a feeling it's going to depend on the tone and situations of the story. I am writing a longer more plot driven story that doesn't have any faux work in it. In that context the faux work didn't, well, work. Grammar? I have always been mediocre in grammar, and I also asked about this in the AH thread. I must have proof read through 30 or more times, and then still saw much of my errors after I submitted. The dialog complaint is also the same issue as the faux work. There was just so little dialog, that I felt I needed to put something in there. I also wanted Lana to get kind of a goofy and obvious of what was going to happen. I tried to put a little tongue in cheek humor, and that bit was one of them, mostly because you hear woman in porns say it so often. Again thank you for your critique.

This romance story has everything: a good introduction, interesting characters, a plot development that is neither to brief nor too long, and a love scene which, while it certainly advances the plot, is, unfortunately too, short. By implication of the last sentence, there is more to this story, but the author has left it unfinished.