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Click hereAt the same time, Ethan's right hand continued down Lana's body, pressing on her side, riding across her hip. Ethan continued a new massage pattern, down the outer-thigh, and up her inner thigh. He felt her ass tense as his rubbing got extremely close to her pussy. Lana's mind was screaming for Ethan to touch it, but she also didn't want him to stop what he was doing. Her thoughts battling as to whether to tell him touch her, or to continue massaging battled in her head. Moments before she was about to tell him to rub her pussy, she felt his weight lighten, and his massage stop.
"No!" Her mind screamed, but only moans and loud pants escaped her mouth. She didn't realize that she was holding her breath. Luckily, by the time she caught her breath, Ethan was massaging her again, right hand over her hip and on her front outer right leg, and left hand behind and between her legs on her inner right. With every upstroke, he dragged his arm across her vulva.
Lana's instant desire for sexual pleasure relieved, for now, she dropped to her elbows, and gave a loud, moaning sigh, pleasing to Ethan's ears. Ethan alternated this massage between her two legs for a few minutes, and his erection was stiff and pulsating. After a few cycles Lana's pussy was making wet sounds, and he felt it was time. He straightened on his knees and grabbed the base of his shaft. His free left hand lifting, squeezing, and massaging Lana's ass.
Lana spread her legs a little more, not sure but hoping Ethan would enter. She felt the hot touch of the head of his penis on her pubis. Ethan moved it left and right. A small massage in itself, but Lana was impatient. Lana arched her back, and spread her legs even more. Her pussy lips straddling his shaft. She pumped a few times herself, feeling it drag across her skin. Hearing her juices flowing.
"Uhh," she sighed as she dropped forward enough for Ethan's cock head to hit her taint. She then pushed her ass back in hopes that his cock would pop in her.
However, he followed her movements and pushed her ass away with his hand, followed by a soft, "shhh." His dick never left her touch though.
His cock traveled up and down her slit until it found her hole. She pushed back again, and again he followed her, not letting his cock in. Frustrated but clear, Lana now knew he wanted control this, and she felt she should probably just let him. She closed her eyes tight, and rested her head on the bed. She felt him, and waited for what he wanted to do.
Ethan's cock slowly built up pushing force, until it's head partially entered the Kegel floor. Lana moaned, it felt good, but she wanted more.
"Mmm, (gasp), uhh," she cried.
Ethan pushed softly but abruptly, once, twice, thrice. His cock head entered just past her Kegel and he stopped. He felt the muscle contract a few times, In tune with her now labored breaths.
When it stopped he continued his slow soft push. Lana felt every inch, opening her, and filling her. Her voice decided to moan the entire length of the push and; again, it felt amazing; and again she wanted more.
Ethan reached the entire length of his cock. He pushed against Lana as hard as he could, shifting his weight at the same time. She could feel Ethan's cock moving in side her. Lana felt she was as high as she could go.
"Uhh, ahh, uhh, please," Lana said.
Ethan started pumping. A moderate pace, the entire length of his shaft. When he felt Lana contract again. He dug he's toes into the bad, and rapidly began thrusting. As fast as he could, with no expectation to stop.
There was no denying it this time. Lana was cumming, hard! She grabbed the sheets, balled them in her fist, and pulled. A screaming moan escaped her, long and gaping. Gasping for breath every so often. Followed by short high pitched squeaks, exclaimed every time the head of his cock hit back of her vagina. Another climax began. This was not the first time she climaxed more than once on the same orgasm, but it had been quite a while. It surprised her, and instead of moaning, it took her breath away. Complete silence from her before a very loud gasp, and another long silence. It made the loud slaps of their bodies connecting sound like a drum beat.
"Uhhh," Lana grunted as her climax started to subside. She loosened the grip on the sheets and began to breath heavily one more.
Ethan continued his quickened pace. He felt as if his balls were filling. They even seemed heavier when they slapped against Lana's inner thigh, hurting just a little. He bent over top of her, making his thrusts less deep, but giving him the ability to continue with less effort.
Lana was still cumming! A long orgasm, and another climax was coming as well. She felt it building. She wanted it, and she was going to get it. She gritted her teeth, and stuck her ass up as high as it would go. When Ethan bent over her the lip of the head of his penis kept rubbing over her G-Spot. She puckered her anus as tight as she could, making her contract, and she held it there. She was going to do everything she could to milk out one more climax.
She did it! When it happened, it wasn't quiet. Loud, breathy screams filled the room. "Uhh, Oh Ahh, Ahhhh, Ahhhh."
At the same time Ethan grunted felling the contraction hard on his shaft. It was amazing, but she was so wet, it wasn't enough. It was his turn to want more. After Lana's screaming stopped, she flopped on her side. Removing any chance for relief at this time.
"Holy shit," Lana exclaimed, with narrowed sight, and slightly out of breath. Ethan quickly laid on top of her, kissing the side of her neck, and fondling her breasts. Lana, looked and felt Ethan's still hard cock pulsing against her legs, heavy and wanting.
Ethan could have been crude. Rub it out, and jizz all over Lana. But I guess he was greedy. He wanted more of her. He wanted to be inside her. He got on his arms, and kissed her hard, sucking on her lower lip, and not letting go. He was straddling her right leg and then he knelt upright. He rose her left leg over his right shoulder, and started kissing her calf and the side of her knee.
Lana stopped calming down and got excited again. They worked together, she shuffled her ass, and he knee walked, closer to each other. She grabbed his cock and guided it into her, and wasted no time to start fucking her. He made even and deliberate thrusts pace well, like it was a workout. This time it was all about him, and Lana helped. She bent and arched her back to match his thrusts. She also squeezed her Kegel, as if she was milking him.
Ethan was continuing to massage and kiss Lana's leg. After a while, he needed to bend to keep his pace. He held Lana's leg and pushed it into her. It felt great to Lana, it repositioned her, and touched inside her in a new way. She couldn't Kegel anymore.
"God, that feels good." Lana said.
Ethan laid his palm on Lana's pubis. He was squashing her a bit. There was so much pressure. Every thrust felt intense. She could feel her body heating up.
"Oh my god," she exclaimed.
Ethan now moved his thumb, pinching her skin, but also rotating his hand under the pressure. Lana couldn't believe how this felt. His thumb then was pressing on her clit. She didn't want another orgasm, she was worried she couldn't take it. Her body was on fire, and it began to ache.
Ethan finally said something, "I'm going to cum!"
A few more pumps, and then he stopped, leaned forward, almost on top of Lana, save her leg between them, and pushed himself as hard as he could. Lana continued to feel on fire. There was a heat inside her pussy, that began to spread, like lava traveling inside her.
"Oh my god, I feel it!" She said.
When she now realized what it was, his hot cream swimming inside her, it triggered another orgasm. It was a little painful, but amazing still. Her entire body clenched, and her nails dug into Ethan's back. Ethan's cock spurted another stream inside of her and he grunted loud with an open mouth.
Lana felt it again, still in climax, she bent her back up and pushed him to the side. Her pelvic muscle clenched with full force, milked him one more time as his cock slipped out of her.
They lay like that next to and facing each other, touching their foreheads, catching up on some much needed breath. A few minutes passed, and the room now reeked of sex. Ethan looked at Lana, both of them with grins that would not recede for some time.
"Hello, it's good to see you." He said laughingly when he realized he had yet to say anything to her.
They both laughed together.
"Where were you planning on going for dinner?" She said just now realizing that she was hungry.
Ethan wondered if they had room service at this hotel, but he doubted it.
"Let's get delivery and eat in, I don't really want to do anything but hold you right now." Ethan explained.
Lana couldn't agree more. This was already the best night she ever had, and couldn't wait for the rest of the night.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 3 years agoThis romance story has everything: a good introduction, interesting characters, a plot development that is neither to brief nor too long, and a love scene which, while it certainly advances the plot, is, unfortunately too, short. By implication of the last sentence, there is more to this story, but the author has left it unfinished.
ICM8781over 9 years agoAuthorThank you, I wanted exactly this kind of critique. As far as category being wrong, I agree, when I read through the the erotic coupling category of stories, it didn't seem like the kind of fit compared to the other stories initially, and romance was really the only one I really saw other wise. But now that it's explained, you are right PWP, isn't that romantic. Faux work. The thing with puting faux work in dialog, was kind of special for this. I felt there was so little dialog, that using a little faux work for dialog filled in the emptiness of noise otherwise. I removed them in my base copy and reread, and there are pluses and minuses for removing the faux work. I have a feeling it's going to depend on the tone and situations of the story. I am writing a longer more plot driven story that doesn't have any faux work in it. In that context the faux work didn't, well, work. Grammar? I have always been mediocre in grammar, and I also asked about this in the AH thread. I must have proof read through 30 or more times, and then still saw much of my errors after I submitted. The dialog complaint is also the same issue as the faux work. There was just so little dialog, that I felt I needed to put something in there. I also wanted Lana to get kind of a goofy and obvious of what was going to happen. I tried to put a little tongue in cheek humor, and that bit was one of them, mostly because you hear woman in porns say it so often. Again thank you for your critique.
Areala-chanover 9 years agoHey ICM8781! First of all, good work on taking the plunge and submitting a story. Takes brass balls to throw that first one out there into the wild where anyone can have a go at it.
You asked for feedback on the new story thread in the forums, so here's mine. Keep in mind I'm no professional, and these are only my opinions as another writer. Take from them what you will, and leave what you don't feel is helpful.
- First things first, your writing is very good in terms of technique. I saw some minor flaws like the occasional change of tense (page 1: "Meanwhile Ethan IS having a less fun time..." when everything prior to this has been written in the past tense), and some punctuation errors (the only punctuation that should end dialogue when there's more of the sentence afterwards is a comma, or a question mark when the speaker is asking a question. ie: '"[...]I don't really want to do anything but hold you right now." Ethan explained.' should instead read, "[...]I don't really want to do anything but hold you right now," Ethan explained."). I highly recommend using the volunteer editor program here at the site for your next submission, because these guys and girls are MERCILESS when it comes to catching and fixing errors, and the difference between stories submitted after a thorough editing job and those who just post without a final editorial pass is the difference between that story scoring 3 stars and that same story earning a 5-star rating.
- Your story is very short, which makes it a quick read, and if that's all you're going for then you've done quite well. But it's also posted to the Romance category, and it's...not to sound blunt, but it's not terribly 'romantic'. It's sexy, absolutely, and just fine for a one-scene erotic interlude, but 'Romance' here is more about the seduction and the sizzle as opposed to the sex. Right now you have a one-shot love scene with minimal build-up and characters whom we don't really get to know much about. 'Erotic Coupling' is a better choice for this kind of short "porn without plot" story. I'm not a fan of PWP, but you can take that with a grain of salt; thousands of readers come here for exactly that kind of story so it can be wildly successful, just probably not in the Romance category.
- If you are bound and determined to earn the coveted 'H' in the Romance category, head to the "How To" section, locate MarshAlien's "How to Write Romance", and read the ever-loving bejeezus out of it. Tink4Fairy's "How to Break the Literotica Top List" is also great for learning what, specifically, the enthusiastic readers of each category are looking for when they go browsing.
- Dialog needs to be much stronger. Every line that passes from the lips of your characters should be read out loud by you, the writer, before it's committed to the final version. If it sounds awkward when you recite it because it's too long, too obtuse, too confusing, or any other reason, then it must be re-written ASAP. Your characters need to sound life-like, or the immersion factor vanishes. The biggest offender for me is when Ethan's about to blow his load. An orgasm is HUGE, it's incredible, it sets fire to nerve endings you forget exist. And Ethan's response to this pending explosion of release is: "Ethan finally said something, "I'm going to cum!"" He sounds about as excited as he would sitting down to do his taxes. Make sure your readers KNOW he's about to hit that point, don't give poor Ethan a one-sentence hand-job; after all, Lana's beautiful, and he's having sex with her--we know he can do much better than just thrusting away silently before finally uttering the biggest cliche in all of sexdom. He deserves it, and so do your readers. :)
- Also with dialog, it's not a good habit to have a character 'speak' repeated sounds and moans. The reader's imagination will happily fill in all of the awesome nonsense-noises characters make during an erotic encounter. As an in-story example, you have lines like: ""Uhh, ahh, uhh, please," Lana said." Consider changing this to something more descriptive (for example: ""Please...!" Lana moaned in between increasingly louder gasps of pleasure.") This conveys the same thing, but allows the reader to hear Lana's sexy little squeals the way (s)he likes them best, making him or her an active participant in your fantasy instead of a passive observer. And active participants LOVE leaving massive 5-star ratings and praise-filled comments in return. :)
In short: a good start for your first submission. Your writing skill is already well above "rank newbie" and with more practice and a determined editor at your side, you'll be earning your own legion of followers and cracking the top lists in no time. Hope this helps! :)
