All Comments on 'Shadow Runner'

That was great continue the story please!!!

In for a penny in for a pound!!!

Your spelling and grammar are atrocious. The story line is great, but the story is marred by the lack of quotation marks "when someone is speaking" and some obvious spelling errors. there are plenty of editors in Lit. that would be happy to assist with editing or just spelling and grammar work.

Your story has promise but the grammar and spelling mistakes detract from the overall experience. I stopped reading as soon as I saw there were no quotation marks around the dialogue, the only reason I re-read it was that the plot had me hooked. This has potential but it won't be as good as it could be without proper proofreading.

-Wax_Wings

Great plot but you definately need an editor

I used to play shadowrun. Nice intro.

. . . is sensed but the narrative style I find awkward and distracting. Usually I do not not make negative comments like this but I found myself really wanting to like the story. You have a gift for plot but narrative needs help. Two things I think could help are (a) an editor, (b) try analyzing or even copying the narrative style of a favorite writer that gets good reviews. For me some favorites with incredible narrative gifts are: TaLtos6, Etaski, Blind_Justice, Talemaster .

It does need some work but it should get better as you get more practice and get into it.

Always nice to see stories in the Shadowrun setting (though I haven't seen an elf that old since 2nd Ed...). People have already covered the editing issues, so I won't dwell on that. A couple of impressions, though:

- You're obviously writing a Shadowrun story, so don't be afraid to show it: name particular corporations, locations, gangs, character archetypes/team roles or whatever. Those who know the setting will get it, and those who don't will still appreciate a story that feelings like its happening in a concrete place, rather than keeping everything generic-sounding. (I very much doubt Catalyst would mind enough to complain about it - they're not really a killer attack lawyer company.)

- I like that the run's only just started and the Johnson's screwed them over once already. Nice work! My face would love to get an employer offering even a tenth of that amount of money for a job, though. Everything you want and 200k? I'd be expecting from the first second that my employer never intended for me to make the payday. I'd love to see this group work that out and turn the tables somehow.

- A cup of soykaf says that elven guy who's not quite right is secretly a dragon ;-)

"Four females and six men made up the group."

I love stories set in RPG worlds, but I usually run into this when the male human player in question is uncomfortable or inexperienced with women.

Strictly speaking, that sentence implies the "four females" are either a mix of human and other races, or entirely made up of other races, while the "six men" states they are all human males.

If this is not the case, then it's usually nervousness and indecision on how to address the female counterparts among a typically all-male group. To which I only say, "Relax, we're human, too." :)

Four females and six males (if they are mixed races or all not human).

-or-

Four women and six men (if they are all human).

Consistency and word choice is very important to get your meaning across.

This is encouragement, believe it or not. :) Add in the correct dialogue punctuation and be consistent on the genders/races, and you can write some good stories. Shadownrun is an awesome game.

This is stupidly difficult to read because of lack of proper punctuation. A rewrote is not optional.

I take it you played the old pencil/paper RPG. It was a great game back in the day. Not a bad interpretation, IMO.

4 Stars since you forgot to use quotes when someone is speaking. Other than that, not a bad first effort.

i am sorry for all the mistakes and i will fix them in later chapters but i couldnt find an editor in time for it to work

Like this;

John said, "I am John".

If there's a lot of dialog you can just do it like this

Faye: "Ok, so what do we do now?"

Mac: "I'll take point"

Strange Man: "There's a nice payout at the end."

It will make reading it much easier.