All Comments on 'She will be Mine Ch. 02'

How could you have him murder the prostitute- just shows him to be evil and a blight. I hope he gets put down like a dog.

Oregon murdered Felina, but Samuel dumped her into the rubbish tip?????

Will there be any likable characters? Eregon looked to be it, but murdering a woman for doing what he wanted is way over the evil line.

I am very sorry for Eregon's nasty portrayal in this chapter. Please, keep in mind that Eregon is NOT the bad guy. These events are only meant to show how much he wants Eva, and what lengths he will go (without thinking). It is also to demonstrate the amount of power that he holds. I am sorry if this was too brutal for you.

Oregon will NOT break Eva. Do not worry, Chapter three will be better.

He is not the bad guy...he's just showing his power! Are you serious? The story is lost it can not be saved. Your character is too far gone nothing that the heroine can accomplice would be able to redeem your hero. And to say that the death by an insane beating, and the rage continues as his man servant disposes of the body, shows the hero's depth of longing for the heroine, his lost of control is merely his passion for the girl is nuts. That's to say like any bad lifetime movie...oh I know he loves me because he's so jealous, it's so hot. He thinks I'm hot. He follows me everywhere. And wants to know everything that I'm doing. He say it's for my protection. And it was so funny the other day when he 'gave' me permission to spend time with my family. It was weird and then I laughed out off and he smiled. ...it's every sad, girl to naive to know better to get out, morals story at 9pm. Your character is unhealthy.

Now you mentioned someone asking about story background. Ok. If this different society allows innocent people that are not slaves to work as prostitutes to earn more money, but can be murdered in the line of duty, that this is their norm, you as the writer need to spell this all out in the beginning of your tale. I think of TRP, the rebellious pet. No, your story is no where in that league, but it was put out immediately that he was a bad mo-fo! He wanted torture her, he was not all...we will be one BS right in the beginning. For me you cannot write yourself out of this. You would have to back peddle for a couple of pages and reestablish the entire world in which these characters live in. Good luck!

All prostitutes should carry guns.

Yeah, first chapter was interesting but in the second it went all over. You can't just put in author notes that yeah by the way this is some other world, you should have made that clear in the story not as an afterthought.

Here's an interesting lesson, you as a writer already know your character, and where the story is going. You may in fact believe that murdering the prostitute was not an evil act but rather a desperate/passionate one. Unfortunately for the reader it does come across as evil and has made Eregon unlikable. I don't have enough time invested in him to forgive him for it, he just looks like a powerful and spoiled man who brutally acts it when he doesn't get his way. You have an interesting premise and show potential as a writer, but this chapter was a stumble.

Really made some bad mistakes and created unlikeable characters. Not good. Not good at all.

because dear annony the asshole of LIT hated it

Clinically so.

Yes Eregon is a foul, murderous, asshole. So was Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Let's see where the story is going before we judge it. Who is and who is not the hero has yet to be established. I would recommend using an editor for spelling and grammar.

I really really liked this second chapter, especially the end. Looking forward to finding out how this will continue...

A dude killing a working girl is not redeemable. I think it would have been stronger for him to say, you're not her (or something) and send her away fully paid then he can have his little tantrum and drink like a big baby. Men who lose control don't get what they want in the end. Your world needs a bit of clarification too. Why was a female mathematical genius at university kidnapped? Are slaves common? Is it legal? Is this period England with horse drawn carriages but a bit of new world education and feminism plus some soulmate magic thrown in? This story has great potential, I feel like it just needs a bit more on the setting and a little more temperance from your main man.

I was going to get upset for yet another abandoned story but in this case abandonment is the only good move other than starting this last chapter over.

There is NEVER a justification for "a good guy" to torture and kill a defenseless woman. It doesn't matter whether she was a two buck whore or Mother Theresa. He could rescue, heal and treat Eva like a queen for the rest of her life and it still wouldn't be able to redeem him.

Go back to the drawing board. Literally! Get a story board and build a description of the world you are trying to create and then fill it out with characters that make sense. It doesn't mean you can't be dark. You can go as dark as you want. Just don't try and sell an evil sadistic fuck as some kind of hero. That doesn't mean a sadist can't be a good guy but know the difference between evil and sadism. Good luck next time. Don't give up.