Siblings with Benefits Ch. 38

Mark started to turn, but not before Julie, whom we had all forgotten about, leapt off of the couch and onto Mark's back. My brother staggered back and cried out as Julie reached around, her hands going for his eyes. Mark caught her thin wrists, but before he could throw her off, Tony surged up from the floor and punched him. Mark started to fall, but as he did, his hand flashed out, catching Tony by the neck. As the three of them fell to the floor in a screaming, cursing tangle of arms and legs, my paralysis broke.

Spinning around, I opened my door and entered so fast I almost fell over. Slamming the door shut behind me, I threw the bolt. Moving faster than I thought I would be able to, I grabbed the metal incense burner from the table and, falling to my knees in front of the bed, pulled out the bag. Tearing the bag open, I placed the burner on the floor and balanced the spoon on top of it.

I heard a crash, and Tony screamed, "Get your hands off my sister!"

That was quickly followed by my brother's bellowing, "Get her hands off of me!"

There was another loud bang, then the unmistakable sound of flesh striking flesh. I heard someone cry out, and there was another crash.

Turning back to the task at hand, I removed the packet of heroin and, taking a deep breath, closed my eyes. With the last of my willpower, I forced my hands to remain still enough to open the small bag and pour its contents into the spoon. Lighting the Bic, I jammed a toothpick into it to keep the flame lit. Panting for breath and whimpering in fear, I grabbed the tube and drew it around my arm as I waited for the heroin to boil. I pulled the tube as hard as I could and started slapping my arm.

"Come on!" I whined in frustration. Over the months of shooting up, my veins had begun to collapse, and I had a hard time finding one.

I heard another loud bang and Julie's screaming. There were several thumps, and I screamed as the wall of my bedroom shook as someone was slammed into it. I looked back at the heroin. It was beginning to bubble.

I had to do this quickly. Tony was big, strong, and knew how to handle himself, but nowhere in my mind did I believe he could take my brother, even with his maniac sister jumping in. Sooner or later, Mark would snap and really lay into them.

I looked back at my arm and cried in relief as I saw the vein faintly standing out; it was enough to be able to get the needle in. As I watched the heroin bubble, I realized I didn't have a cotton ball to filter the drug. I laughed out loud. Who the hell cared if there was anything in it? The point was to die!

The wall was hit again, hard enough for plaster to rain down from the ceiling. Julie screamed, "Stop hitting him!"

The heroin wasn't completely dissolved, but I stuck the needle into it anyway. It would serve its purpose, even better if it clotted and I received a hot load. I drew the heroin up into the syringe, then, staring at my shaking hand, I once again focused on it, forcing it to stay still. I brought the needle up, took a deep breath, and started to bring it down to my arm.

There was a crash, and I screamed as the door to the bedroom exploded inward. The door didn't break. It disintegrated; small pieces of wood flew into the room. I cried out in frustration as I dropped the needle. Looking around frantically, I spotted it a couple of feet away and sobbed in relief. I reached for it. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and, turning my head, cried out in fear.

Mark, his shirt torn, blood flowing from his mouth and nose, and his eyes blazing, came striding into the room. Behind him, I saw Tony lying unconscious on the floor and Julie lying on her stomach, struggling against the belt that Mark had used to tie her hands behind her back. I felt my hand touch the needle and instantly brought it back up.

"Oh, that was real cute, Megan!" Mark snarled as he approached. "You haven't changed one..."Mark stopped as he saw the needle in my hand. In a moment that seemed frozen in time, my eyes met my brother's and held his gaze. Mark's eyes widened, and he started to shake his head.

I sobbed out the words, "I'm sorry" and quickly brought the needle down to my arm.

Thinking fast and moving even faster, Mark lashed out with his leg. I screamed in pain as his foot connected with my bony shoulder, and, once again, the needle went flying from my hand. As soon as he had thrown the kick, Mark dropped to the floor and tried to grab me. With a strength born of fear, I threw my elbow out, slamming it into Mark's face. I started to crawl across the floor towards the needle.

I had just closed my fist around it when Mark grabbed my leg. I kicked out and heard him grunt, but his grip held, and I yelped as he yanked me towards him. I swung the needle down wildly, just trying to jab it anywhere into my arm. I screamed as Mark's hand caught my wrist, stopping the needle several inches from my arm. Mark yanked hard, spinning me around on my knees to face him.

"No!" I shouted in his face. "Let me go!"

"I won't let you do this!" he shouted back at me.

I lashed out with my other hand, catching him in the face, but his grip on my wrist didn't break.

"I want to die!" I shouted. "Just let me die, Mark! It's my life!"

"No!" Mark yelled as he tried to bend my arm down to force me to drop the needle. "I won't let you go, I..."Mark yelled in pain, as, bending my head down, I bit his wrist.

He tried to pull back, but I bit even harder. I tasted blood in my mouth and, like an animal, started shaking my head, trying to get him to drop my hand. Mark reached around and, grabbing my hand in his other, twisted my wrist down sharply. I yelped, then screamed as the needle hit the floor again. I went to grab it but stopped, as, swinging his hand down palm first, Mark slammed it down on the syringe. There was a crunch, and when he moved his hand, the needle was in pieces. The heroin was smeared into the floor.

"Nooooo!" I wailed in anguish, rolling over onto my hands and knees and staring down at what was left of the needle. "No, no, no!"I put my head down on the floor and started sobbing."Why?" I demanded. "Why wouldn't you let me die in peace Mark?"

"Come here, Megan," Mark said as, grabbing my shoulders, he hauled me into a sitting position facing him. "It's okay, sis, it's..."

"No, it's not!" I screamed in his face. "You had no right to stop me! It's my life!" I sobbed again.

"Megan, please..."

"I hate you!" I shrieked and started swinging my fists at him.

Mark caught each of my thin wrists in his hands and, pulling them down, let them go, and quickly wrapped his arms around me, pinning me to his chest.

"I hate you, you bastard!" I raged into him. "You have no right, Mark! No right, I wanted to go! I...I..." I started crying into his chest. "I just wanted to die, why didn't you let me die?"

"Because it isn't all about you, Megan," Mark said, pushing me off of him but holding onto my shoulders. "There's people who..."

"There's people that I hurt! That's all there is! Don't you get it? I left to stop hurting you and you came and now...." I shook my head. "You shouldn't have stopped me! Leave me alone and I'll do it another way! Just go back home, Mark! Leave me to..."

"I will not let you die!" Mark screamed into my face. "Your life isn't just yours!"

"Yes, it is! I made it so everyone would..."

"Worry about you!" Mark snapped. "No one ever hated you, Megan! Ever! The drugs tell you that!"

"No, you...." I moaned pathetically, "please don't do this to me, Mark, please let me..."

"I will not let you do this to yourself." As Mark yelled, he grabbed the sides of my face, holding it inches from of his own. "I will not let you do this to your mother, and I will not let you do this to me! We matter Megan, we..."

"That's why you need to let me!" I whimpered. "So you and m...mom won't have to hate me anymore and..."

"Megan, your father loves you!" Mark shouted. "Your mother loves you! And..." he swallowed hard, and I could see the frustration in his face. "I love you Megan! Your brother loves you and needs you and I... won't let anyone take you from me, even you. Now, you're going home with me, and we'll..."

Mark stopped and slowly turned to look behind him. I looked up and saw Tony standing in the doorway. His face was bloody, and his right eye was swollen shut. In his hand, he was holding a baseball bat. As I watched, Tony stared down at us. Noone spoke and, after a moment, Tony, looking as if he were going to cry, slowly bent over, put the bat on the floor, and backed out of the room. As he did, Julie started to come in, but Tony grabbed her arm and took her out with him.

Mark sighed, then, looking at me, said, "Whether you like it or not, sis, whether you hate me or not, it's over. Now get up, and get your things together."

I looked up at him and shook my head.

"No, I don't want to...." I yelped as, standing up, Mark pulled me up by my shoulders with him.

"You listen to me, Megan," he hissed. "You made me and everyone else wonder if you were dead. You lied to that guy, and you almost made me kill him. You have done everything you could to make things hard on me, but you're coming home now like it or not, so stop feeling sorry for yourself and move your ass!"

I started to shake my head again when Mark leaned over me and sniffed.

"Christ, Megan, you fucking stink."

I started to cry. "I...I know, I... just don't care! Mark, please..."

"Megan, get your ass in the shower now." Mark shook his head. "It's a five hour drive home and I'm not going to smell you the entire way."

"T...the shower doesn't work right."

"Yeah, sure it don't, get your ass in the bathroom."

Stepping back from him, I put my head down like a beaten dog, and, turning, walked into the bathroom, which was off of my room. I started to close the door when Mark pushed it open, almost knocking me over.

"Nice try," he said. "Think I'm leaving you alone to cut yourself?"

"Mark..."

Ignoring me Mark yanked the shower curtain open, exposing the old, mildew-stained tub.

"Nasty," he whispered, shaking his head as he turned the water on.

The pipes banged and a spray of brown water came out of the shower head. Mark shook his head in disgust but turned the water up higher. After a minute, the water lost most of the rust color but was still slightly brownish.

"Well, it's still dirty, but cleaner than you are."As he spoke, he closed the bathroom door and turned to face me."Well, get in the shower, Meg, I don't have all day."

I put my head down, wondering how he could be so harsh with me. Then again, even he had said I had done nothing but hurt him. I looked up at him."I...I don't want to with you here, I..."

"Oh, so after all our years together, you're going to be modest?" Mark shook his head disgustedly. "Fine, this better?" He put his back to me.

I felt a wave of humiliation come over me, but knew there would be no fighting him. I slowly pulled Tony's sweatshirt off, then the dirty t-shirt under it. I stood there topless and had just removed the belt and let my jeans drop to the floor when Mark turned around.

"What the hell is taking you so...."Mark stopped speaking as his eyes took in my naked body.

"P...please don't look at me." I whimpered, covering my flat, sagging tits.

Mark's eyes slowly worked their way down to my stick-like legs, and then back up to my protruding ribs, and then back to my face."Oh, my sister," he whispered. "Oh, Megan, what have you done to yourself?"

I shook my head."S...see Mark, I...I told you... I just..."I stopped as I saw the anger leaving my brother's eyes to be replaced by a look of sadness.

"I...oh sis, I am so sorry, I..." he stepped towards me and put his arms out to hold me.

"No, don't touch me. I'm...I'm disgusting."I leaned back against the wall, sank to my knees, and began to cry.

Mark got down on his knees in front of me."Come here, sis," he whispered. "It'll be..."

"I... just wanted peace Mark," I said softly. "I wanted to go to the forest and be peaceful, be somewhere I could never hurt anyone or myself again."

Mark put his hands out to me again.

I shook my head and started sobbing."I...don't deserve to live Mark, I hurt you and Mom and Tommy. I even hurt Tony. I...I don't deserve someone like Mom, or you, or anybody! I don't deserve it!"

"Megan," Mark began softly, "I...I need you to listen to me, okay? Just for a minute, okay, please listen?"

I looked up into my brother's beautiful, golden-green eyes, eyes that were full of pain, pain that his sister had caused yet again. I swallowed hard then nodded. "O...Okay."

Mark looked away for a minute, then took a deep breath and began speaking softly."Megan, you're sick, sick in your body and your mind, but I need you to hear what I'm going to say." He paused for a moment. "You have been saying that you don't deserve your parents or me or Tommy or anyone to be good to you for years."

"I...I don't."

"Well, you have it backwards, sis. Backwards, and a little selfish. It's not just about you deserving people, but them deserving you." Reaching out, he gently took my face in his hands so that I would look at him."Think about it, Megan, don't your mother and father deserve their daughter? Don't I deserve my sister? We do, sis, we deserve you, we deserve that happy, healthy, beautiful woman that I know is in there. You think you deserve to die, but if you do, you deny us what we deserve; you take you away from us. You're not saving us from anything but not having you in our lives." He leaned forward and gently kissed my forehead."Why don't you stop worrying about what you don't deserve and let the people who love you have what they deserve."

"But I...I'm sick." I said through my tears. "You...you said it..."

"And I was sick for a long time too, sis." He pointed at himself. "Did I not deserve you? Should I have taken me away from you?"

"N...no but..."

"You know, sis, I was going to quit after Max, just stay in my head and end up in an institution because I didn't care anymore, because I thought I didn't deserve better, but," he smiled at me, "my beautiful sister wouldn't give up on me. She was sick then too, but she got strong for me and saved me, told me she needed me and she would be lost without me. Remember?"

I nodded and let my cheek rest against his palm.

"Well, Megan, you're sick right now, but I'm not. I will be, though, if I don't have you with me. I need you sis. I need you to try to be okay." He removed his hands from my face and stood up.

"I can help you, sis. I can make it all okay; all I need is for you to want to and to trust me." He looked down at me and gave me another smile."I'm your brother, Megan, the same brother who promised that he would never let anything happen to you. I can make it better Megan, I know I can. I just need you to know I can too."

He was silent for a moment, and then he slowly put his hand out to me."It's up to you, Megan, and I think you already decided, because, you see, you only thought you wanted to die. If you really wanted to die, you would have never called Tommy, you had to know he would call me."

"No...I." I stopped as soon as he had said it. It seemed to make sense.

"So know what that was, Megan? That was you wanting to help someone, even if it meant you didn't get to do what you wanted. That is not the act of someone who doesn't deserve people who love her. That's an act of someone who wants to be loved."Mark stepped forward putting his hand directly in front of me."Come on, sis, take my hand, and let's find that person."

I stared at Mark's outstretched hand, then, closing my eyes, envisioned my forest. It didn't seem as vivid as it had the last few days. The forest began to blur and the image transformed to Mark and me lying in bed, holding each other. The vision from the dream I had this morning. In my mind's eye, I could see how beautiful I was, how happy and content I looked in Mark's arms. Opening my eyes, I reached out and took my brother's hand.

******

I slowly became aware of the hum of a motor and the fact that I was moving. I hadn't been sleeping, as I didn't have to open my eyes to see the highway stretched out in front of me. Instead, my open eyes had just started focusing as my mind decided to come back to reality. I was huddled in the corner of the front seat, my arms wrapped tightly around me. I saw it was dark out and wondered what time it was. I looked at the dashboard, but my bleary eyes couldn't make out the numbers that were lit up on the clock.

I looked at my brother. Mark looked straight ahead as he sped down the highway. There was no music on, and he had that blank 'going away' look on his face. His body was on autopilot while his mind went, well, wherever the hell it was that it went.

I winced at the sight of a large bruise on his cheek and the split in his lower lip. I shook my head; my little brother had been fighting again. Probably had to throw someone out of Mitch's, and they gave him a hard time and... No that wasn't right. Mark wasn't a kid anymore. Mitch's had been years ago.

I swallowed hard and grimaced at how dry my throat was.

I glanced at the bottle of Gatorade on the seat next to me. Mark got it at a reststop and told me to sip from it, but my stomach was turning. Besides, I was more worried about the way my mind was misfiring than how my throat felt.

Blinking my eyes, I looked back at my brother and yearned to be close to him. Not that Mark hadn't offered. Before I slipped into my stupor, he patted the seat next to him and told me to come closer, but I shook my head, and he said okay. A little while later, I started to cry as I realized that I was going back home. I would have to face everyone again. Mark looked over and put his arm out to me, but I simply huddled in the corner like a scared little kid.

Apparently, I hadn't moved since then. I shifted in the seat, unwrapping my arms from around my sides, and I looked down at myself. I was surprised to see I was wearing a black leather jacket. Mark was still wearing his, so where had this one come from? It didn't matter, it was nice and warm. Matter of fact, the car was warm. The heat hadn't worked well in the apartment, and I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this warm.

Actually, I was a bit too warm. I unzipped the top of the jacket and slid my hand inside the collar to scratch my neck. I stopped when I felt something unexpected. It was a chain. Trailing my hand down, I felt the familiar, comforting feel of my locket between my fingers. Was I dreaming? I had pawned it the other day and... My vision blurred again as I felt tears well up in my eyes. I closed my fist around the locket and squeezed. It was really here! For the first time in a long time, I smiled. The smile faded as I felt my dry lips crack, but I was still happy.

I settled back into the warm seat and, still clutching the locket, I forced myself to focus. We couldn't have left New York much more than an hour ago, and I should be able to remember it. I closed my eyes and found the last image that I could conjure—me, taking Mark's hand in the bathroom. Locking onto that thought, I pushed myself to concentrate on what happened next.

Taking my hand in his Mark gently pulled me to my feet, and tried to put his arms around me, but I pulled away."P...please let me get dressed I..." I put my head down. "I...I'm ashamed to have you see me like this."

Mark nodded and, turning away from me, said over his shoulder, "Put on something clean. I'll wait."

"I don't have anything clean," I whispered as I pulled the dirty clothes back on, except for Tony's sweatshirt. That, I would leave with him, as he didn't have much himself. When I finished, I said, "Okay."

Mark turned around, took me gently by the arm, and walked me back into my room. I stood there, looking down at the filthy clothes on the floor. I bent down to try to pick some of it up when Mark said from behind me, "Just leave it. All of it, I'll get you some things."