All Comments on 'Sins of the Ancestor Pt. 03'

Hey Serrowyn,

I'd like to start off by saying that this is, in my opinion, one of the most well written stories on this site. Erik/Katya isn't a very likable character, and yet the way she is written allows you to empathize with her if not on a personal level, then on a human one. Her characterization and literary voice is very distinct, adding both stability and an immersive quality to the story. Couple that with the consistent pacing and tone, and what you have here is quality entertainment.

As for the things I would want more of, I'd like more 'show' and less 'tell' concerning both Jennifer's and Sara's circumstances. What I mean by this is rather than having Bethan explain to Katya (and by extension the reader) that Jennifer has a deep seated love for Katya, give Jennifer a chance to demonstrate it. By using Bethan as a vehicle to convey Jennifer's feelings, you're missing out on a good opportunity to establish Katya's and Jennifer's relationship, and to build Jennifer's character. Katya's denseness caused by her self-absorbed shallowness would be a good foil for Jennifer's apparent insecurity and compassionate nature.

As for Sara, I'd like more detail concerning why she was disowned by her family. Her lover being Caucasian, then a female Caucasian is reason enough (Asians tend to be very xenophobic), but that is never expressly stated in the story. It's always about her giving up a promising career to adopt Erik, which feels a touch forced. Why are Sara's parents upset with her? Was Sara sending money home to India? Did her father and mother work 2-3 jobs each to put her through college? I don't know, the whole thing just feels nebulous - vague.

Side notes:

1. The cam-girl plot-twist feels like an empty, half-hearted attempt to add more sex to the story. Truth be told, this story doesn't need it. So far most of the sex up to this point has served some sort of purpose in furthering the story, and I'd hate to see that change moving forward (the gay bar sex was extraneous).

2. A second set of eyes can go a long way in catching grammatical errors. The biggest issue that has stood out to me is missing words. I'm not sure if it's intentional or by design, however, as this story is written in 'British' English, and I'm an American.

Whelp, that about does it for this review. Thanks for taking the time and energy to write this, and for having the courage to post it.

5/5 stars

I like the concept, but to be honest, if this doesn't end with an abortion and/or suicide... I won't like it.

what a well written story ,been waiting for this to continue ,thank you for the carictures insites ,i sincerley hope you continue this. ps i'm tired sorry for my crappy spelling!!

Not the usual story of gender change we see on the site, much slower (at least in mental state) and more reasonable that's nice. The writing is good and flows well, the characters are believable (if not a little punch-happy). I really like what you've done, keep up the good work :)

5/5 stars

All sex and kink and grammar aside, you are a fantastic storyteller and your characters truly feel like real people. That is a rare skill.

Loved the first chapter, and then was sad when I thought it wasn't going to be finished. Really glad you picked it back up. My only suggestion would be to take some time to flesh out the current characters before you introduce any more.

This is a great story. I look forward to your next instalment as you have easily at least 2 more parts before completion. We have to find out why his/her ancestor was cursed and by whom. Also is there a way to break/end this curse?

I take as read, that Katja joins Jenny and Bethan as a camgirl to earn a living whilst enjoy the delights of both men and women. Also, she will make up with Sarjita, as it is fully understandable that she is mentally all over the place at the moment.

I have really enjoyed this chapter. While I love hot and nasty, this touched me. I was abused at a very early age. You've done a good job, captured tbe emotions. Loved it.

Loved this! I honestly like when the sex is spaced in between a nice storyline like this... Amazing Job! Cant Wait For More!

I neeeeeeddddd a seqqqueeeeell pleaseeeeee

ShaunSwift - well now I'm blushing, thank you! Erik was an attempt at writing an arsehole, I agree that he is not likeable in the slightest. He carries a lot of anger from his past and vents it in decidedly poor ways. Katya? I have a lot of time for her. This story has covered just a few days and boy have they been huge for her. She's already reached a breakthrough in understanding about her (well, back then his) and Jenny's relationship and why they fell out, as an example. I'm curious to see where she'll end up (I'm discovery writing this series, which led to a massive case of writer's block in part 4!).

RE: Jenny and Katya. I agree. I slipped into telling, but that does fit with Bethan's personality and the obstacle she represents. Doesn't make for good storytelling. Being greedy as a writer, that's good. I dream of earning money through writing, making these mistakes teaches me.

RE: Sara. She has a story, much more than has been shared. Yes it's vague so far, mostly because it's tied to Erik's mother and her relationship with the man he used to be. Spoilers stop me from telling more, as I do intend that to come out in a future chapter when Katya and Sarjita get to have a calm moment.

1. I didn't do enough with it. It was more intended as an explanation for how the two support themselves financially. That really failed and I should have just had them either be in the middle of getting it on when Katya knocked for the same effect, or in any other domestic situation. (The bar scene - guilty as charged. I felt the story needed another sex scene but I was absolutely wrong there. Still, learning!).

2. I have that most stereotypical trait of writers: insecurity about my work. I didn't have any writing friends to ask to proof read this (one reader has now volunteered though, huzzah!). Some/all missing words and narrative choices are due to this being a first person tale. Erik/Katya has a voice, and it is not the Queen's English. (And yes, I'm English so that may be a factor too).

Anonymous 1 - Spoilers leaves this brief so I'll just ask one question. End with?

Anonymous 2 - Thank you and no problem, I got your intent!

Anonymous 3 - Thank you! And being punch happy is part of Erik being a complete tool (see response to ShaunSwift above).

Anonymous 4 - Thanks! By this point I'm getting pretty paranoid about my grammar now. I can't spot the issues, if anyone reading this has a specific example, can you state where I've messed up? Just want to know so I can improve my writing :-)

Anonymous 5 - Thank you. This is the cast now (well, almost). Some, like the patrons of the bar, are unlikely to get more scenes (but never say never, this is an exercise in discovery writing) others (Jenny, Sarjita, Bethan) will definitely get more time.

Anonymous 6 - Thank you so much! Seriously, this praise is what I need to beat my self-doubt into a small box and get writing again.The curse is something I defined in my head very early on. I have a couple of options to explain it, that is coming in some form at least. As for the other predictions... spoilers! (And yeah, Katya's head is a total mess at the mo.)

Anonymous 7 - Thank you and my deepest, sincerest condolences on all that you have suffered. Bethan's past is not happy, nor was yours and nor was mine. She is not the focus of the story, but I did not want it ignored. I seriously hope you somehow read this comment and know that I've heard you. If you ever want to reach out, you can contact me through Literotica here. I will listen.

Anonymous 8 - Thank you! I prefer my porn to have a plot too. Plus, you get moments like the realisation that Jenny was wanking as she watched the change. That, for me, is possibly the hottest moment of the series.

Anonymous 9 - I'm back to working on it, thought of a way to crack the writer's block!

This story is good. Like, pretty good. I consider myself a closet bi, much like how you described Erik in your previous examples, and this story really rustled my jimmies in a weird, thought-provoking sort of way. I've read a lot of gender bender stories since I first started reading erotica, and I have to say, this topic delves way deeper into the psychological aspect of gender than its usually being portrayed.

(I wasted 1-hour writing paragraphs analyzing this before realising that I gave literally 0 feedback)

In few words, with your writing style you managed to immerse me in the story so much that I simultaneously felt shocked and bad for the MC, as well as making me cringe when after the transformation finished, Erik opened his eyes only to realise that he was being watched. His first ever time masturbating as a female, after all the emotional overload and the suddenness of the news, a moment so private, only to be ruined.

Angst. Insurmountable angst.

I literally closed the tab in order to cool off. After I had, somewhat, calmed down, however, I opened the page and started reading again. I read and read, and I must say the story is very, very good up to pt. 3 (apart from some other little problems like tiny grammar mistakes and some inconsistencies here and there), nothing else has come even close to reaching the emotional impact as that one specific moment at the start.

As of pt. 3, IMO the novel peaked at the moment of revelation.

I am looking forward to pt. 4.

o7

Fantastic story, couldn't stop reading, definitely would love more!

I’m liking Katya’s development. Her stopping from mouthing off at Bethan. I’m hoping more interactions with Jenny and Bethan as well as her imminent pregnancy will have her start addressing her issues that Erik repressed by being an aggressive gym bro. Trauma is hard tho.