All Comments on 'SMW - Sister Takes Over'

Not quite my cup of tea but a great story nonetheless. Keep up the good work!

but well written. Switching from third person to first was awkward.

It was a bit odd, but still great. Loved the story, please continue it.

Poorly written. The magic was dumb. And why all the fucking blood? Nauseating. You couldn't have just given him a broken arm or something?

Would be cool to see more of incest femdom set in this universe

You've got a good concept, but I think doing some research into the Sex Mage Universe, as well as doing some dialogue practice, might help you iron some things out. In-universe, natural born archmages typically get their magic at 18 instead of the standard 19, and if she were a megami she would be in a class all her own, distinct and separate from the general population.

As a visual, there are as many archmages as there are millionaires, and as many megami as there are billionaires. At the time of this comment, there are 12 million millionaires in the US, and 614 billionaires. The rarity of megami is staggering. That's not to say you CAN'T write a megami sister--it's entirely possible to do so! But you definitely need to make sure you understand the power difference between an archmage and a megami.

If you'd meant to make her a megami, you could have emphasized how she could feel the women as well as the men around her, or you could have talked about the range and how many people she could feel individually, without being overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of them.

I hope you continue your writing, and that you keep exploring concepts that interest you!

just to critique this a little bit, you should work on writing sentences and paragraphs that flow a little better with the narrative, there are a lot of sentences that are awkwardly written