by Rockwell
Other than that, it was an amazing story. The only thing is that some of the sentences were a bit confusing, missed some details that would have been nice. And you mentioned the name Jill once?
Anyways, I understood the storyline, it was well though out. Very good story.
I think that most of it was pretty good. The main issue I had was with the dialogue. It could use some editing and revisions, but the story itself is good. Keep trying.
This could be the beginning of a cool little series. You write convincingly....keep going!!