All Comments on 'Spritely Fellow Ch. 04'

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I appreciate the high ratings guys. Its nice to know this one is better than the others as i put in alot more time correcting this one. As always, i really love reading any and ALL comments you guys post, so please if you have any thoughts on the story or format please drop a comment.

Also do you guys want me to immediatly continue this or start another story in the same universe that i have in my head. It would slightly slow down production of Spritely fellow, but then you would have two things to read.

Thanks

Please finish this series first before moving on to a new story. I am really liking this very much. Thanks!!!!

Plz finish this before starting another.

I'm enjoying this story I would prefer if you continued it instead of another. I actually thought you had given up when I didn't see a chapter for so long.

I will continue writing this one first, but i will have to stop after his 21st birthday to write the others. Understand that i intend to sculpt an entire universe here and all my characters will be a part of it. They will not be another version or some spin off of it, but instead will make reference to major events done by other characters and will sometimes meet the protagonists and company from other stories.

This is a massive undertaking and i haven't even begun to scratch the surface yet, so i do need ideas for hostile factions and supernatural groups(lycans, vampires, elementalists, treants, orcs, kobolds, demons, winglies, dragoons, ghosts, etc) so that i can keep my mental arsenal stocked. Also fyi any feedback left to me gets sent to my email so i will read it within a day of you dropping it.

It does take a while as I am creating this in a world that has to play nice with every type of supernatural entity. I have needed to change the rules multiple times and so the brainstorming takes a little longer each time. I will not drop writing however, so if im taking to long just email me and tell me to hurry the fuck up

This is really cool.

Crits:

Your explanations are too expository when they take place in dialogues. The characters don't know they're in a story, and they should talk to suit. While I don't know the story, I shouldn't feel like 12 year old Mykris and Valeria are speaking for my benefit.

As for the explanations outside of dialogues; they should flow as the story progression scenes do: like you're following a matter of course. Instead it feels kind of like you get hung up because you haven't really fleshed things out yet, like you're trying to explain it to yourself as much as you are to me. When I imagine the writer during those parts, I get the impression of somebody trying to work a popcorn husk out from between their teeth with their tongue.

I want you to be sure of what you're going to tell me before you do.

I think you lose touch with the fact your readers aren't entrenched in your universe as well as you are. Give it a shot making your explanations off-handedly. Exposition as awkward as yours gets breaks the smoother part of the narrative.

The bits of awkward speech don't really feel as awkward as you play them off to be. They're neither cringy, nor befuddling. I need to think either 'Oh, he didn't actually just say that, did he?', or 'Wait, what? A what?'. At the moment it's 'Not how I'd put it, but yeah.'

That out the way, try not to take any of it as an attack. I do really like this story. It has a way of capturing me, and keeping me entranced that I forget what happened the last chapter. It takes complete possession of my attention for a story to do that.

Thank you sincerely for the read. Please keep at it.

-PC

I REALLY needed criticism and yours confirmed my suspicions. While ch 5 is pretty much done, your comment will remain in the back of my head as i write and rewrite spritely fellow and all my works. Thanks.

I enjoyed your work so far. I am think it's well written with an interesting premise. I hope you choose to continue writing.