Spritely Fellow Ch. 04

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"That's not what I saw, master."

"Then we need to work on your observation skills. I was literally back against the wall and ended up blacking out. I was completely defenseless for who knows how long. That Fenrir guy could have finished me off in his sleep."

"That is the amazing part. In my old pack, we would often run together in our shared sleep. We would spend our nights running through his realms. Many would face his pack of fallen alphas as a rite of passage for omegas. The rite consisted of survival for an hour with Fenrir's pack hunting them. You didn't survive, but as an inexperienced combatant you managed to slay four of his pack and incapacitate another. Only those who later became alphas did this, and even they required practice and many attempts to stand a chance."

"They didn't expect me to have any powers or anything. They jumped me and I got a good surprise attack in before that took four of them out and the last one took all I had just to knock out. I was still tired from fighting your pack off of you."

"You managed to surprise five of the most experienced and powerful lycans in existence with the energy you had left over from fighting my pack. That is an extreme degree of power for someone so young." Seriously I'm amazed I didn't grow up with a massive ego.

"Is that why you were all scared of me? Because I killed those lycans? They were trying to kill me so I don't really think that was my fault." A psychiatrist somewhere else in the world ears perked up and he can't quite figure out why. I am equally amazed I didn't grow up to be a serial killer.

"I was not scared!" ,She crossed her arms and huffed indignantly. "I was told by Fenrir that you had saved me and that you would protect me, but I was kinda... unsure after I saw you fight. I might have hidden towards the end and the last thing I remember before waking up was the sound of the wind's fury ripping through the canyon. Still, Fenrir said to trust you and so I do." She stayed in that pose for a while before adding, "When you yell, I heard the same voice I heard in that storm. Your eyes also had that glow when you fought. I keep thinking you are going to fight me." She looked away from me and began to shift uneasily under my gaze. So she thought I was going to go off at any moment.

"As long as you don't threaten me or anyone I care about I won't get like that." There was yet another silence as I let that sink in. I figured it was time to digress.

"So you're like my servant now?"

"I am, master."

"Stop calling me master or sir or alpha. My name is Mykris Hale" I said in my best chiding voice. Her ears were turning red with cold so I had to finish this up quick. "One last question before we head inside: what is this position that I'm supposed to help you get to anyway?

"I am to be the next god of the hunt, master. I will need your strength until then."

I froze as she said that. My entire body went rigid as the realization hit me. I remembered the lycan from the mountain looking me over. He wanted to be sure I was strong enough to train a god? That's what the test was for? I may be unique but I'm not stronger than a god!

"I don't think I'm the one who should teach you. I don't deserve that sort of respect-or fear." I put my hands up in front of me as I back pedaled. She looked at me incredulously.

"You can't back out of this, master. Fenrir chose you and only you."

"Well then he can unchoose me. I can give you a place to stay, but I won't be of any use." I was already walking into the house as she started to chase me.

"Where am I supposed to go then? My pack will continue to hunt me and has no doubt informed the elders of my ferality. I can't go back!"

"You have a GOD backing you up! He can tell those elders and the entire lycan race what to do. You don't need me and I can't help you."

"Even Fenrir can't convince lycans to go against the elders. I have nowhere else to go, master."I kept walking inside and no longer heard her footsteps behind me stop. "Mykris PLEASE!" she pleaded. I stopped and slowly turned around. Her fists were balled at her sides and her eyes brimmed with tears. She was scrunching up her face to try and hold back her emotions, but she was losing the fight. She was keeping her chest puffed out and trying to keep her chin high. "I can be strong, just don't tell me to go away. Please..." That's cheating. She could have told me to convert to Taoism or cut off my arm then and I would have seriously considered it given the way she looked. The full moon was out in all its lunar glory tonight. The moon beams caught her silver hair as it fell around her face. Her eyes shone with a pale luminescence that complimented the white glow her skin gave off. I watched a single tear catch the light as it rolled down her face.

When it fell from her face I snapped out of it and walked towards her. I couldn't leave her like this. Regardless of how she got here, Valeria Lowell was depending on me right now. She needed me and I wasn't about to walk out on her. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. She kept her arms at her sides fearing that her movements would let all the tears out. I put my hand on the back of her head and let her bury her head in my shoulder. She felt so damn cold against me.

"Alright you can stay. I'll figure everything out so don't worry. You will have a home here with me until you can move on by yourself." I could feel her arms grab my back and pull me closer. Her fingers were like ice. God, how cold was she? "Let's get you inside."

I kicked that part of my brain responsible for lies into overdrive. I had about twenty seconds before Aurora flew down those stairs and took a swing at me. Reviewing the how the situation would look and taking into account our appearance I formulated a story that would work.

"My friend Aurora will be down here shortly and will only falter for a second when she sees you. Don't freak out when she comes here and just remember. Your dad's name is Fenrir Lowell and he is a total asshole." A small payback for the pain I felt when I woke up. She didn't even question it and just nodded.

On cue, I hear stomping coming downstairs. Aurora comes downstairs in a tank top and some sweats. She still had some chip dust on her fingers from eating all of the snacks in my pantry.

"I swear to god Mykris i'm going to put foot so far up your scrawny little ass that-" She stopped right at the entrance to the kitchen where I had sat Valeria with some milk to drink. I was sitting next to her with my arm rubbing her back for comfort. I turned and gave my best "how can you be so insensitive" look.

I got up from the table and pulled Aurora into the next room. Her confusion was just barely keeping her from beating me. I had to play to her pity and hope that Valeria crying affected her as much as me.

"That is Valeria Lowell. Her dad kicked her out of his house a few days ago and I found her wandering in the woods yesterday. You see those scars? Her dad fucking beat her Roara. I'm letting her lay low here for now." I slowly started guiding her back into the kitchen and kept whispering to her. "It took me all of yesterday, today, and my shirt to get her to trust me. She is really attached to me right now."

"Why don't you just call Child Protective Services or something?" That is an excellent question. I sighed as if this information was dramatic to buy some time. In a second I had it.

"Her Dad works there. He is really high up in the food chain and knows all the places that kids in these situations go. He doesn't know here though and he thinks that he is probably dead in a ditch somewhere. He had her with a mistress and never reported her. He lives a few states over and won't look for her here. C'mon you saw the scars Aurora. I'll let you beat me up tomorrow, but today she needs me." Channel your inner Dr. Phil. Oh wait I forgot to make to make it a secret between us. "I need you for this. I can't tell anyone else, not even my parents." Channel your inner wounded puppy eyes.

She stared at me for a while to make sure I was serious before sighing. She smiled at me and put her arm on my shoulder. "You can count on me Micro!" The relief that flowed through me suppressed my need to remind her of my name. I let a little of the relief show, but not enough that she would know I was lying. I gave her a hug that lifted her off the ground. IT took a little extra juice but I pulled it off.

"Listen, I need to help her calm down a bit more, o just wait upstairs for me." She nodded with a serious look before her eyes widened and she froze. I resisted spinning around to see what she was looking at, fearing it was a eight foot tall white lycan. She nodded rapidly before turning and running up the stairs. I didn't see anything behind me, but understood why when I heard the sound of a hammer wrenching out nails from wood upstairs. Right. The trap.

Walking into the room, I saw Valeria had finished her milk and was turned around in her chair staring at me for the result. I walked up to her and took her hand so she could stand.

"You can stay. Valeria Lowell, welcome home." She nearly broke my ribs with her arms squeezing around me.

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The_EndThe_Endover 9 years ago
Nicely Written

I enjoyed your work so far. I am think it's well written with an interesting premise. I hope you choose to continue writing.

DanteofSpardaDanteofSpardaover 10 years agoAuthor
Thanks pc

I REALLY needed criticism and yours confirmed my suspicions. While ch 5 is pretty much done, your comment will remain in the back of my head as i write and rewrite spritely fellow and all my works. Thanks.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
You have my full attention.

This is really cool.

Crits:

Your explanations are too expository when they take place in dialogues. The characters don't know they're in a story, and they should talk to suit. While I don't know the story, I shouldn't feel like 12 year old Mykris and Valeria are speaking for my benefit.

As for the explanations outside of dialogues; they should flow as the story progression scenes do: like you're following a matter of course. Instead it feels kind of like you get hung up because you haven't really fleshed things out yet, like you're trying to explain it to yourself as much as you are to me. When I imagine the writer during those parts, I get the impression of somebody trying to work a popcorn husk out from between their teeth with their tongue.

I want you to be sure of what you're going to tell me before you do.

I think you lose touch with the fact your readers aren't entrenched in your universe as well as you are. Give it a shot making your explanations off-handedly. Exposition as awkward as yours gets breaks the smoother part of the narrative.

The bits of awkward speech don't really feel as awkward as you play them off to be. They're neither cringy, nor befuddling. I need to think either 'Oh, he didn't actually just say that, did he?', or 'Wait, what? A what?'. At the moment it's 'Not how I'd put it, but yeah.'

That out the way, try not to take any of it as an attack. I do really like this story. It has a way of capturing me, and keeping me entranced that I forget what happened the last chapter. It takes complete possession of my attention for a story to do that.

Thank you sincerely for the read. Please keep at it.

-PC

DanteofSpardaDanteofSpardaover 10 years agoAuthor
Addendum

It does take a while as I am creating this in a world that has to play nice with every type of supernatural entity. I have needed to change the rules multiple times and so the brainstorming takes a little longer each time. I will not drop writing however, so if im taking to long just email me and tell me to hurry the fuck up

DanteofSpardaDanteofSpardaover 10 years agoAuthor
Message recieved

I will continue writing this one first, but i will have to stop after his 21st birthday to write the others. Understand that i intend to sculpt an entire universe here and all my characters will be a part of it. They will not be another version or some spin off of it, but instead will make reference to major events done by other characters and will sometimes meet the protagonists and company from other stories.

This is a massive undertaking and i haven't even begun to scratch the surface yet, so i do need ideas for hostile factions and supernatural groups(lycans, vampires, elementalists, treants, orcs, kobolds, demons, winglies, dragoons, ghosts, etc) so that i can keep my mental arsenal stocked. Also fyi any feedback left to me gets sent to my email so i will read it within a day of you dropping it.

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