Stable Boy

Being a married woman she felt terrible for even looking twice let alone letting him inside her head. And yet she felt powerless to get him out and a part of her wanted no part in trying to evict him. She put her guilt aside and decided to find out a little more about this city with the strange name—for educational purposes, of course—and typed in Coos Bay and hit enter.

What popped up on her browser both confused and disgusted her. She was by no means homophobic, but the websites for gay porn were too much. She double checked her entry and realized she'd entered Cooz Gay. She started to laugh when she had another thought that sickened her. She went to the browser's history and as she scrolled through it her fears began to grow. The history seemed to have been cleared the first of the previous month, but there were scores of entries involving not only gay porn sites but gay chat rooms and gay dating services.

Parker's hands were trembling as she clicked on a link to a site touting anonymous sex with local gay men. She thought she might actually throw up when what looked like a profile popped up.

The user name block was populated with the name 747Stud. The password block was empty, but Parker somehow intuitively knew that her husband, who flew 747s, was the owner of the account.

After swallowing a bitter taste of her own bile she took several breaths and told herself this didn't actually prove anything. Perhaps there was a logical, legitimate explanation. What if a friend of Kurt's had used his computer to hide his activity from his wife? As bad as that sounded, it wasn't nearly as gut-wrenching as admitting Kurt was the profile's owner.

All thoughts of Austin and poker or Coos Bay left her as she sat there staring at the 27" HD monitor wondering what to do next. After being so confused she couldn't think, she remembered the private investigator she'd hired to look for signs of an affair—with another woman.

She grabbed her phone, found the number then waited for his secretary to answer. Parker was surprised when the young woman said she remembered her before asking how she could help. Moments later she had a confirmed appointment for 9am the following morning.

She spent the rest of the day imagining things she could never have imagined before, and yet this new information made everything else fall into place. Things that had previously made no sense were now potentially very clear.

Unable to sleep, Parker found herself back in front of the desktop around midnight researching topics like 'gay men married to women.' She'd heard of men realizing they were gay years after marrying a woman but had never given it any thought because she'd never met or even known anyone who'd been a part of such a thing.

Her fears continued to grow as she read story after story of men of all ages who'd 'come out' after marrying their wives and in many cases, having had children. For the first time in her life, Parker was almost glad they hadn't had a child as she imagined the heartbreak of trying to explain this to someone who would only understand their father was leaving.

A tear fell as she continued to imagine what that would be like before realizing she may well be losing her husband; her husband who wanted nothing to do with her sexually anymore. The husband who rarely even hugged her and who now only gave her quick pecks on the cheek before leaving for days on end. The husband who almost never called and only texted to let her know he'd arrived safely in some new city or that he'd be gone a few days longer than planned.

By 3am she was bleary-eyed and exhausted. She set her alarm for 7:30am and went to bed but didn't fall asleep until after five.

When her alarm went off she was so out of it she wasn't sure where she was or why it was even blaring at her. And then reality set back in.

She forced herself to get up and took a very long, hot shower before getting dressed. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot and even a second cup of coffee hadn't done anything but make her pounding head hurt even more.

She dozed off on the couch and when her eyes opened again she realized the doorbell had been ringing for some unknown amount of time. She shot up and hurried to the door just as David, the PI, was about to walk away.

"Rough night?" he asked when he saw her. He wasn't being mean and Parker knew it. It was more of an acknowledgment he'd seen this sort of thing before.

"Um...yes. Very rough."

She welcomed him in, asked if she could get him anything, then led him back to the home office where'd previously done his forensic work.

"I'm confidant I'd have found that kind of activity even if he'd cleared his browser, but it is possible he only started frequenting these kinds of sites after I did the first check for you. I'm going to be a while so if you want to lay back down feel free to get some rest."

"Thank you, but there's no way I can sleep now," she told him. "I might stretch out on the sofa in here though if you don't mind."

"Not at all," he assured her.

"Just one question. Do you personally know anyone this has happened to?"

Parker hated asking but if there was someone she could talk to, someone who'd been through this...

"I do, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?" he replied with a friendly smile. "Maybe we'll find some other reason than the worst-case scenario."

"Oh, sure. Maybe so," Parker said hopefully but unconvinced.

It was a little after noon when she heard his voice again.

"Mrs. Blackman? I'm finished."

Parker shook out the cobwebs and was grateful the pounding in her head had nearly subsided.

"How long was I out?" she asked as she sat up.

"Close to three hours," he informed her. "Do you need some recovery time before we talk?"

"No. No, I'm fine." Her eyes were stuck shut with sleep but she otherwise felt much better.

She gently cleared each eye ten said, "Okay. Go ahead, please."

"I'm afraid I don't have any good news," he began.

Twenty minutes later he stopped talking and handed her a list with numerous user names on it.

"Without a court order I can't legally get they IP addresses or real names, but there are a whole lot of contacts here in the form of aliases and user names. I do however, have one name I found numerous times. Does Rolland Evans ring a bell by any chance?"

Parker's already-pale face went white as a sheet.

"Oh, my God. That's Kurt's new best friend," she said in a hollow voice.

"Does he look like this?" David asked as he produced a photo of the handsome, younger man's face.

"That's him," she said quietly.

"Mrs. Blackman, I found a number of photos of this man in various stages of undress, many of them with your husband. If you'd like to see them I can..."

Parker shook her head.

"No. That won't be necessary."

"Would you like to keep them or would you prefer I hold them for you?"

"I...I think I want them," she said almost absent-mindedly.

"The hard copies are in this envelope and this is the password for the folder on the computer. I should warn you there are a couple of videos involving Mr. Evans in there, as well, and they are um...very graphic."

Parker didn't respond. She only asked if he had the name of this other woman he knew of.

"Women. Plural," David told her. "I'll have to ask their permission first, though."

"Oh. Yes. Of course," she replied.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Blackman. I love my job, but I truly hate being the bearer of bad news," he told her. "Is there anything else I can do?"

Again she didn't reply directly. Without looking at him she asked, "Do you think I'm attractive?"

The PI sat back, looked right at her then said, "Mrs. Blackman? I'm a very happily married man. But...I'm not blind. You are not only attractive, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen."

Parker sat there just staring into space and David finally stood up.

"I'll um...just leave these here for you," he said as he set the packet next to her.

Parker finally looked up then said, "Oh, yes. Thank you. Um...how much do I owe you for today?"

She paid him in cash then walked him to the door.

"I really am sorry, Mrs. Blackman," he told her again.

"Me, too, David," replied. "It's funny, you know. If this was another woman, I could at least try and compete. But how can I compete with this?"

David knew it was a rhetorical question and didn't bother responding.

"I'll make some calls and see if anyone might want to talk about their own experiences. I'll let you know either way."

And with that Parker once again found herself all alone in her big, empty house. At least this time she knew why. As the day endlessly ground on she began to understand what could feel worse than feeling so desperately alone—being betrayed.

She knew she wouldn't get off that easily; with just being aware of what was happening. She knew full well she'd spend days, weeks, months, and possibly years soul searching; looking for some way to blame herself in spite of having done nothing wrong. She'd search high and low looking for missed clues, ignored warning signals, and why she'd continued to naively assumed all was well when nothing was well. But that's how she was wired. She not only took responsibility for everything she did but for things she hadn't done or thought she should have done.

Parker rarely drank and almost never drank alone, but tonight she was on her third single-malt scotch when she finally came unglued. How ironic was it that after the first day she'd felt happy again that she now found herself feeling like her entire world was coming apart? She wasn't drunk enough not to realize that was a rhetorical question or that it didn't matter. One day was all she got. One little glimpse. One small taste but no more.

Parker eventually cried herself to sleep then awoke the following morning with yet another raging headache and this time she had no one to blame but herself and the Glenlivet 18.

By one o'clock she was finally feeling better and thought she might be able to eat some dry toast and possibly a sip or two of orange juice. She poured the juice and got ready to drop the bread in the toaster when her phone rang.

"What now?" she thought as she set the bread down.

She didn't recognize the name and almost didn't answer. Caller ID told her it was a woman named Jennifer Kinion. After the fourth ring she swiped 'accept' and tentatively said, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Blackman? Hi, my name is Jen. Jen Kinion. I um...I got your name and number from David. You know, your investigator. I hired him, too, a few years ago, and when he called me I told him I'd be glad to talk to you. Is this a good time?"

"Ms. Kinion? Are you by any chance hungry?" Parker asked.

The women agreed to meet at a restaurant located roughly halfway between them. Parker was both nervous and excited to talk to another woman whose husband turned out to be gay and her heart went out to this women she hadn't yet met. How had she discovered his secret? Did they have children? Was she possibly pregnant when she found out? Did she discover them in bed together? That thought sickened her and also broke her heart. Betrayal was betrayal and it made no difference who the other person was. And yet this was so far outside her comfort zone it somehow seemed much worse.

Jen was standing outside waiting as Parker pulled in. As Parker approached the entrance Jen asked if she was Mrs. Blackman. The two women hugged for several seconds before going inside and being seated.

Parker didn't care that this dear woman was quite a bit older, much heavier, and not someone who might be called attractive. She was a soul mate of sorts, a fellow traveler who'd also been taken down a road that was fortunately not well traveled.

For over an hour, Jen shared her story while patiently answering every question Parker asked. Both of them cried as they talked in hushed tones and Parker was saddened to learn she and her ex-husband had three children. It had been difficult on all them to include the man who had to come to grips with this identity he'd run away from his entire life.

"There are no winners," Jen told her. "There's only pain and hurt and often resentment. I try hard not to hate him because I know this wasn't intentional, and yet I can't forgive him for sneaking around—for several years. Had he been honest upfront...who knows?"

Parker sat and talked with her for another half hour then paid for their lunch before hugging Jen one more time and thanking her profusely for being willing to share something so deeply personal.

"If I've helped you in any way or just let you know you're not alone, it was worth it. I can't tell you this will be easy, but I'm very confident you'll get through it. And if you ever need to talk—day or night..."

"I will call, Jen. I promise," Parker assured her.

On the drive home her perspective suddenly and surprisingly shifted from that of pathetic victim to resolute advocate for her own well being. She was not only relieved to know why her husband could no longer love her, she felt a first twinge of empathy for him. No, she wasn't letting him off the hook scot free, but the anger and the hurt she'd been feeling mostly dissipated and she somehow knew she'd get through this. She didn't know how just yet, but she was confident she'd survive.

Kurt was due home in three more days and Parker fully expected to ride an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs until then. In the meantime she promised herself she'd get in at least one more ride at the stables. She wasn't consciously thinking about the handsome young stable boy, but somewhere in the back of her mind it was comforting to know she had at least one male fried she could talk to. Two, if she included Pete, but Pete was a talker, and Parker needed a listener.

She finally slept a few hours that night but only a few. The whole ordeal played out endlessly in her mind running in a loop from the slow loss of intimacy to the upcoming confrontation with Kurt to the inevitable divorce to her now-uncertain future. Knowing she'd get through it didn't make having to actually go through it go away.

She was wide awake at 5:30 and lay there until six as the now-familiar thoughts returned and once again began playing as her brain's feature film.

She got up, showered, had cup of coffee, then got dressed and ready to head out. She got to the stables around 8:30 and even though it was very cold, she was very much looking forward to a brisk ride—a thought that reminded her of 'the race'—which she'd lost and lost badly.

Her mood brightened considerably when she saw a young man in a cowboy hat leading Dawson outside. He was all tacked up leading Parker to assume it was time for his daily ride. She should have called ahead but it was too late now.

"Hey there!" she hollered when she got to about 30 feet away.

Austin turned around, smiled a big old smile then called back, "Hey yourself, Mrs. Bl...Parker."

He tipped his hat as she walked up, and Parker knew she was smiling; she just wasn't aware she was positively beaming.

"You remembered!" she nearly gushed.

"I don't forget things a woman as beautiful as you tells me." He smiled then quickly added, "Ma'am."

Parker laughed then asked if they could possibly ride together again.

"Oh, um, Pete's been in a mood all morning. I don't think I should bother him right now," Austin informed her.

"No worries. I'll talk to him if you'll get Joey ready for me."

Parker smiled too, then said, "I should warn you I'm out for revenge today."

Austin laughed the said, "Well then...bring it on, girl!"

"Oh, I'm gonna bring it. You can count on it," she told him trying to sound tough.

"Good luck with that," he said as he playfully swatted the white ball hanging from the pink knit hat she was wearing. "You look mighty fearsome today."

Parker squinted her eyes and said, "Looks can be deceiving, mister!"

"Uh-huh. Sure," Austin quipped. "I'll go get Miss Joey ready for you. It won't do you any good, but I'll tack her up for you while you go work your Joan Lunden—with a 'u'—magic on Pete."

Pete wasn't happy about it, but when it came to Joan Lunden/Parker Blackman he was powerless to tell her 'no.' He'd insisted Austin be back again in 30 minutes, but a smile and a little bit of eye batting and a touch of his forearm got her an extra 15 minutes.

"Okay, we're all set!" Parker told him happily. She'd momentarily forgotten about her personal woes and again realized she felt happy and free in the crisp morning air. After all, it was the air, wasn't it?

"Someone's in a good mood this morning," Austin told her as he handed Parker Joey's reins.

Her smile faded in an instant prompting Austin to say, "Or not."

He helped Parker mount up then without looking at her asked, "Everything okay?"

Parker didn't speak until they got to the trail when she suddenly turned around and smiled at Austin the said, "It will be once I kick your butt! Hyah!"

"Oh, it's on!" Austin called as he spurred Dawson into action.

Not even the spurs were enough to overtake the fleet-footed filly, though. Parker shrieked with happiness as Joey reached the meadow well ahead of her gelded friend.

"Now everything is okay!" she hollered out as Austin pulled up next to her.

"You beat me. That means we're all tied up. Looks like we need a tiebreaker event!"

"Ha! You just can't stand getting beat by a girl!" she teased now feeling good again.

"Well, it does smart a little," he admitted. "But it helps if she's as pretty as you."

Parker had no idea why but she blurted out, "Are you flirting with me or just trying to make me feel better?"

Horrified she started to explain herself when Austin laughed loudly.

Suddenly a little hurt she said, "It's not that far-fetched, is it? Flirting with me?"

"No, not at all," Austin told her. "In fact, if you weren't married I'd have flirted with you the first time we met, but married women are off limits. I sure don't want some guy flirting with my wife."

"Married. Yes, I am still married," she said almost wistfully as she looked down at her left hand.

Austin noticed the sudden, dramatic change in countenance and said, "Let's go have a seat on the throne and you can tell me your woes."

He pointed to the stump and Parker managed a weak laugh as Austin offered her his arm. Parker smiled, looped hers into his, and walked over to the large, flat wooden 'bench'.

"Okay, beautiful.Spill it. Dish. Talk to me."

She smiled again then as she went to talk she choked up and couldn't.

"It's okay. Take your time and some long, slow breaths."

Parker slowly breathed in and out three times, her breathing less shaky each time.

"Better?" Austin asked with a polite smile.

Parker nodded then said, "I'm not sure how much I should say, but I hope that no matter how much I share you won't repeat any of this."

"I'm pretty much a loner so there really isn't anyone to share it with, but you have my word I won't tell a soul."

Parker sighed deeply than began by saying, "My husband is a wonderful man who's kind, caring, thoughtful, and a great provider."

"But..." Austin said.

"But...I...I just learned something about him that's killing me."

Her voice cracked again and Austin gently put his arm around her the way he had before only this time he pulled in close.

"It's killing me, but it also explains pretty much everything."

There were several moments of silence before Austin said, "Go ahead. I'm listening."

Parker smiled at him the best she could then started talking. She only intended to give him the short version, but twenty minutes later she was still talking and crying.

"That's about as bad as I gets, I suppose," Austin said not having said a word the entire time.

"I know, right? I can't even try and win him away from the other woman because.there is no other woman. I guess the worst part is feeling so...helpless."