All Comments on 'Starcrossed Ch. 001'

Good start few grammatical errors here and there but the content of the story let me overlook those. Hoping ch2 continues to offer the interest and intrigue that ch1 held

Good story, really strong start. Interesting, appealing characters and set-up. There were several spelling and grammatical errors.

What a tantalizing start! If they're destined to be mates, then it be would be nice to play that part up a little more. However you turn this story out, just please hurry! :-)

Very hooked, lol. Def want to see where this is going!

I'm a little shocked that this hasn't got a far higher rating yet because I thought it was really well delivered. The story telling was wonderful and these characters just jump off the page.I love them both already and the way they have connected already is engaging. Honestly can't wait for the next chapters and to see where you go with this. Brilliant.

I can't wait for the next chapter.

This is AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Update soon please.

I love how you did it my friend^^. Keep on the good work. I would love to see how it continues even if I know the basic=)

Hey,

I like these two characters and the world they are in is an interesting one. I think to make it be the best it can, you'll have to go into detail about who 'they' are who are the puppetmasters. I also would like a flashback from Rom to understand how the people are being controlled. I'd like to see how others around him were treated as well as him. I hope that we'll come to understand more about why these two would be drawn to each other for this role they feel they are to play, as in how it could happen. I guess they may not know. How do they control others minds? I wonder why he hasn't gotten that ring off? Also, how did no other vamps in the place realize he was there?

I look forward to this story and am excited alot is written!

...to improve your punctuation. The lack of commas made it really difficult to follow the story in places. Pity, because it is an excellent story. The sex descriptions are really hot.

I love the story and can't wait to see how this develops

I like the story and the premise and the characters are intriguing, however, there were and awful lot of spelling and grammar errors that detracted from the power of the story. One thing that chaps my hide on here is the mixing up of terms. An editor is someone who (among many other responsibilities) corrects things like grammar and spelling, and applies the principles of writing when giving feedback—character and world development, consistency, plot, narrative flow, point of view, pacing, style, crafting, etc—making sure the work is correct from a technical standpoint, that the writing is as good as it is going to get and making sure that the prose is clear, understandable and the author's intentions come through to the reader with as little effort on the reader's part as possible. If improvements, changes or corrections need to made, an editor will indicate where and what and give it back to the author to change. A beta reader, on the other hand, reads the story from a reader's point of view and assesses its enjoyability. It's become common practice now on Literotica to call a beta reader an 'editor', when in actual fact, the resposibities of the roles a vastly different. No disrespect to whomever reviewed your story, but the amount of errors that slipped through really distracted from the power and emotion of your story and that suggests to me that the 'editor' was really a beta reader.

See, if a reader is working too hard going back and re-reading sentences trying to understand what the author intended to say, they will completely missed the power and emotion of a story; there is no point in reading a story if every few sentences the reader loses the flow because they must stop work out what is going on in the scene. The point of spelling and grammar is to make prose as easy and effortless to read as possible and to indicate to the reader precisely how the story is meant to be told. The less effort a writer puts into grammar and spelling, the more effort a reader must put in trying to understand. Inversely, the *more* effort a writer puts in, the *easier* it is for the reader.

A few times it was very difficult for me to figure out who was doing what in the scenes. This is a challenge for homoerotica in general because writer's cannot take advantage of the switching of genders to indicate who's doing the talking (he vs. she). In gay stories, it is he vs. he. Therefore, writers must be extra careful with POV and using pronouns. I would suggest that you use a combination of techniques to indicate who's doing what—referring to characters by name, nickname, last name, by distinguishing features (the taller man, the bigger man, the older man, the blue-eyed beauty, etc).

Lastly, when Rom first sat down, he immediately laid everything out on the table, almost blurting out the mystery of him in one long speech. It's okay to leave some things until later, to slowly unfold a character's story. In real life, people never sit down and immediately launch into their life stories; information is revealed bit by bit over time in a natural way. Now, I am taking into consideration that the characters are acting under a compulsion—their destiny—but still, I think the details could have been revealed in a more calculated manner, over several chapters perhaps. This increases the level of intrigue and hooks readers into wanting to know more.

My advice would be:

- to brush up on your basic grammar and never rely solely on spellcheck

- to make it very clear who is doing the speaking and acting in every scene

- plan out your story first and then outline each chapter, ending each part on a cliffhanger of sorts or on a note that leads them into the next chapter

- always, always, always read your story to yourself aloud; you will be shocked to see how many mistakes there are and changes that need to be made when you hear the story out loud

- take care that dialogue is not too cheesy; keep all the writing—dialogue and otherwise—natural and conversational, and don't change your language simply because you are writing down rather than speaking.

Taking this on board, I would be very surprised if your writing didn't improve significantly. Good luck though! You have a very nice idea going, good characters, a build up to a unique plot that certainly seems intriguing and the sex scenes will be hot, hot, hot once the spelling/grammar thing is sorted out. Keep going, it's definitely worth it :D

omg wow