All Comments on 'Summertime Fun'

loved the buildup, the excitement of sex in public, the passion that consumed them both...looking forward to your next works.

could have used a thorough going over by an editor. The premise is hot, but the writing doesn't bear out- too many of the same things repeated over and over again, very close together.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't horrible by any means, there are much, much worse examples on Lit. Still, I just want to gather this author up and gently and tenderly guide her to the dictionary and thesaurus, and then to the editing board.

A little more polish could have made this an great story. As it was, it was a neutral. Three in vote, 50% on the hot meter.

I hope this constructive criticism helps with your future work, or a rewrite.

FtF

For the fantasy to work, the author needs to convince us that the girl is the narrator. It's not enough just to change pronouns around, we need empathy. This is obviously a boy's fantasy of being a girl beneath his hands. Cool idea, but not convincing.