All Comments on 'Sunburn'

Jesus Christ. You sure have punctuation issues going on here. It's unbelievable that people make it out of school with these types of things.

Thanks for taking the time to post a comment. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I'll try to be careful on that part next time.

Have someone proof read your work so you can edit it before posting!!

The story is hot! I look forward to your next work.

This was a good story. I just hope it evolves into actual fucking her tight virgin pussy.

That was a great story, don't let the punctuation police keep you down. Work on that the next time, but what you should take away is that this was a fantastic story.

you had a good story but like a lot of writers here you ruined it with violence that stuff only belongs in the nonconsent/reluctance area not here use your head before posting

I love the dirty talk especially. Keep it coming. :)

I don't think anybody else would consider that a slap on the ass enters into the non consent area. Anybody that has enjoyed that wild sort of fucking will know that it is very consenual and that you would probably get slapped if you stopped. My girl looks like she goes to Sunday school when she is out with her parents but in the bedroom she WANTS it rough. Just when I think I may have reached her limit she surprises me.

Thanks for the feedback.

I wasn't planning to go with anal when I started this, but as I was building up the tension, it seemed like the perfect way to express all the frustration she was causing him. Since it's my first post, I also prefered to keep it short so it ended up being anal only. I even forgot about her breasts ^^.

Anyway, next time I'll try to write something more "classic".

I know that it took a few lines before I hinted that she was actually enjoying her little spanking but I didn't wanna make it obvious right from the start. I'm not sure about the rules but I think "Taboo/Incest" tops "Nonconsent/Reluctance", even though I don't believe this belongs to the latter. I did put "rough" and "spanking" tags, by the way.

To those who enjoyed, I'm really glad.

it's a nice job for your first story and i appreciate the comments about it being entirely realistic that she likes it rough, but it might have benefitted from a little more focus on the basics of anal--even if she isn't an anal virgin. he could've slipped some of the lotion even down and in there--with no lube, i felt she was more likely to be experiencing real pain.

I see what you mean. Even though you can guess that her ass got lubed when he fingered her, since his hands were covered with lotion; I still should have stated it more clearly. I'll try to remember that next time.

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Very good start, a little help from a proofreader or editor would make it read a bit more smoothly but I really enjoyed the story.

Personally, I think the punctuation isn't nearly as noticeable or important as that first person made it out to be, but everyone can stand to improve.

Story-wise I agree that taboo Incest trumps Nonconsent unless the story is a straight out rape story. Here you did make it relatively clear that she was enjoying it, and slapping her ass hardly counts as violence. The story is short and much of the story isn't sexual, but the characters are believable enough.

I agree with what someone said about the lube. Personally I don't feel as if you made it clear that the use of lotion was liberal enough to actually serve as a lube, but it's involvement does work, even if it wasn't expressly said that he used the lotion as lube.

It's a very good first story, and I encourage you to continue writing. Also I commend your ability to handle criticsm, even though it isn't always good criticsm.

great story even with the grammatical flaws. how could you resist licking that chocolate starfish when presented to you??!!

you should continue this story it is one of the best i've read on this site keep it the good job

First of all, thanks for commenting, I really like to know how people feel about what I wrote.

Again, I hear you guys about the proofreading.

I did find the first comment unnecessarily harsh, nevertheless it pointed out a major flaw and ended up helping me anyway. If I get upset everytime I get "bad" criticism, I'll end up as a very sad man.

About the grammatical errors, well I'm french and still learning. If that doesn't excuses my mistakes, at least it explains them.

To peebudy: I didn't have him lick her ass cause she came as soon as he had his thumb inside her. Seeing that, he just couldn't bear waiting anymore to fuck her. That being said, I'll really try to express the characters' feelings more clearly next time.

Love spanking and I love incest. You have the best of both. Great work.

At first the grammatical and spelling errors bothered me, but then I realized that English isn't your first language. After that, I just let myself read and enjoy. And I did enjoy it! I was a bit concerned about anal with no lube, but she did seem to enjoy it, so I'm glad that you meant to imply the lube with the lotion. In short, I thought this was a very hot story!

Very good effort for a first story. You made a few (very few) grammatical errors, but, as You mentioned, English is not your primary language, so you get a pass on that. Please continue your writing efforts and I'll be looking for the next one.

Great first effort. There are one or two little bits that might be improved but come on people - when we see you guys writing a story anything like that good in French... then you can criticize!

Aside from that, I have to say thanks. That was one of the best stories I've read on here for a long time. The Incest/Taboo section is very popular and sometimes the format of the story is a bit stale. You managed give it a feeling of originality that is missing from lots of stories in this section.

You got his emotions and frustration across really well and the story had enough, but not too much detail. People sometimes forget that this is a fiction site, not a porn site - not everything has to be so literal, so don't worry about some of the comments about the lube. Seems obvious to me that if you're using any kind of cream/oil its gonna get slippy!

Merci Ciel, I look forward to your next story, grammatical errors and all!!

Hi Ciel! I just got your kind e-mail feedback and so popped over to check out your posting. Impressive especially considering this isn't your first language. Your sibling banter was cheeky and fun. I liked your take on a brother pushed past the limit of his patience. As for improvements, the only thing that caught my eye was your repetition of the phrase "clean up her/your mess." You used it 3 times in a short story. Using the same turn of phrase too often is another thing to look for on a proofread. Minor stuff though. Over all, super. Welcome to Lit. Carry on! :)

To PacoFear,

Thank you so much for taking the time not only to answer my feedback, but also to read my story. I am really honored that you enjoyed reading me and I will follow your advice about avoiding repetitions. I really hope you will appreciate my next work if you find the time to read me again.

To "Très bien"'s poster,

Thanks for posting such a detailed opinion. I completely understand your feelings about the Incest/Taboo section. I really tried to be as original as possible with such a popular theme so I am really pleased by your compliment.

To everyone else, thanks again for giving me your opinions.

Lol, so much for my "good" english.

I think there is certainly room and scope for a continuation of this story. Good story, thanks.

when a girl is crying while being spanked it makes it NONCONSENT/RELUCTANCE when she says NO STOP PLEASE and he doesn't it makes it NONCONSENT/RELUCTANCE in all laws NO MEANS NO TO IGNORE IT EQUALS RAPE PUTTING THIS STORY IN THE WRONG AREA IF IT ISN'T LOVING AND TOTALLY CONSENTUAL DON'T PUT IT HERE. if she enjoyed it she wouldn't be crying and begging him to stop delete this get a good editor and do a rewrite and use the proper catagory from now on.

no means no

read some scouries stories to get ideas..keep up the work..they sound true

Some people don't like I show that they enjoy things.its in movies all the time.

But sometimes, they are pushed until they realize they really like what ever it is. I'll admit, I'm not that type of guy and would never be rough like that, but some people have their turn ons, some people lose control. And in the end, she wanted more... So I'll take that as a fact that she really did like it, she was just scared of the incestuous/taboo that society frowns upon, but finally gave in to what her womanhood wanted.

always put it in the subtitle if your story contains any type of sexual violence. readers don't want to open a story just to read the shitty tags because that counts as a read even if they didn't read it. real shitty system of warning the readers of bad content on this site. delete and retitle it and put rough and spanking in the SUBTITLE WHERE IT BELONGS.

fuck the damn tags

always put it in the subtitle if your story contains any type of sexual violence. readers don't want to open a story just to read the shitty tags because that counts as a read even if they didn't read it. real shitty system of warning the readers of bad content on this site. delete and retitle it and put rough and spanking in the SUBTITLE WHERE IT BELONGS.

Many stories lie somewhere between categories.

Some people are more offended by incest than by spanking.

Tags have the advantage that there can be more than one to describe the content of a story.

It seems foolish to me not to read the tags first, if you are offended by anything that is legal to be published here (thats probably true for most people).

I agree, that you shouldn't have to scroll through the whole story to read the tags.

The tags should be visible at the beginning of the stories (imo), but thats not the authors responsibility, but a problem with the website layout.

This was very good. I enjoyed it very much. These other people who are criticizing your work just ignore them. Many people in the American culture are idiots anyways. Grammar nazis think they run the world yet they sit at home in their mother's basements jacking off and criticizing others work because they cant come up with a good story on their own. You did a wonderful job and I look forward to more stories in the future.

Another story that went to hell and too far off track. There needs to be another place to put stories that go anal with no warning. When it went anal, I immediately quit reading and went on to another author. Too many people put that shit under the wrong category on this site. Plus it doesn't speak well of the author. It's almost like they take great pleasure in trying to put something over on the people who read these stories. Anyone who doesn't like this comment, stuff it.

Well done sir

Ever have a bad sunburn? Did you want anyone to touch it? Then he spanks and rapes her ass, too, for good measure? Should have been in non-con. 1 star.

Yeah no... unless one is a hardcore masochist then one would never ever enjoy getting slapped when they have a bright red sunburn and a full body sunburn at that

Excting story. No doubt the sister is eager to have her ass fucked sgsin by hrt brother snd she will also

Sorry I had not finished..she Will totally.give her hot pussy to her brother later on