Surrender to Love

"Randy, listen to me. We have all gone into this relationship with our eyes open. Sylvia and I didn't ask you to join our marriage lightly. You know that we would never hurt you and we believe that you will never hurt us. I have to trust that neither of you will ever get tired of me, and you have to do the same thing. That's all we can do, it's all just trust." I said all of this with my eyes focused on the road in front of me so that Randy would not see the emotion building behind them.

"I don't know." Randy said as he rubbed his forehead with his fingertips as if this was all too much to understand. Then as if on cue he added, "I just don't understand all of this."

"What exactly don't you understand?" I asked.

"I can't even make enough sense of what I'm feeling to tell you. Let's just drop it. Ok?" Randy said this and reached over to turn the CD volume up again.

As we continued in silence down the highway I knew that my words had not expressed my own feelings very well nor had they given any answer to Randy's questions. But I couldn't quite say that I understood all of this either, or that my confident sounding talk had not been a cover for my own questions. I silently mulled over all that we had talked about and tried to put my finger on what was eating at me.

When I glanced again at Randy, he had begun to nod off. He would fall asleep and then as soon as he relaxed he would jerk his head back up.

"Hey, wake up." I said

Randy jerked his head up saying, "Huh, I'm awake. What's the matter?"

"Nothing." I answered. "You're nodding off over there. Why don't you lay down and get some rest?"

"I'm okay." Randy replied, "Just been a busy couple of days and a lot on my mind. I'm just a little wiped out I guess."

"That's why you should lie down and get some rest while you can," I countered.

Finally convinced, Randy laid his head on my lap so he could stretch out at least a little better and take a short nap until we got to the lake. As he slept, I gently touched his hair and caressed his neck at the back of his head. Not enough to awaken him, just enough to allow myself the pleasure of a reassuring touch. How nice it was to have him sleeping in my lap. After awhile though, I found myself facing conflicting emotions. These feelings were the same type of feelings that I have with Sylvia. Gentle and tender feelings that I had never associated with Randy or any other man. For some reason there didn't seem to be a place in my brain to store these new ... softer feelings. I drove on in silence, trying my best to not dwell too much on all of this.

*****

The canoe was finally loaded. The last thing to do was to grab the 12-gauge bear gun from the truck, lock the doors and shove off. I pushed the small craft into deeper water, jumped in and took my place in the stern. We still had a couple of hours of steady paddling ahead of us before we reached the cabin. Luckily, the weather was calm and not too warm. Soon the quiet and solitude of this remote piece of Alaska began to work it's magic. How quickly the frantic pace and noise of civilization faded away.

We crossed the first lake in a little under an hour and reached the "no-name" connecting stream that would take us into our lake. This was actually my favorite leg of the trip because the stream was crystal clear, slow flowing and full of a variety of fish. We usually delay awhile through here to try our luck and today was no exception. We had planned to catch our supper here on the way into the cabin.

The fat rainbows were almost too easy. This time of year they are such gluttons for the roe that they feed on during the salmon runs, it almost seems a crime to catch them. In fact, in the streams closer to the roads and towns it is illegal to use this method. But here, it just makes for awesome fishing. We both caught and released enough of the trout to satisfy our "fishing fix" for one day, saving a couple of them for the frying pan.

As we began moving again, we entered the part of the waterway that saw few visitors. It was getting far enough in so that the only ones who persevered were those who knew what lay ahead and had a reason to go. This was when it always seemed to me that we were truly getting away. It was as quiet as a sepulcher, except for the occasional buzzing of an insect or the scolding of a squirrel challenging us as we stole by. The heavy scent of late summer hung in the air, with the pungent smell of ripe high bush cranberries overpowering everything else. With just a little imagination, I could envision us being the first men to ever explore here. There was nary a trace of humanity except for us and our small canoe. The stream was narrow and winding, but deep and easy to navigate. The forest closed in on both sides with large birch trees arching their canopy over our heads. The white trunks of these sentinels of our paradise stood rank upon rank, fading into a blur of gray-green forest beyond the stream. After passing through this imposing guard, our lake opened up almost as a surprise.

Sylvia and I had first come to this lake during the winter of 1984 to lay claim to a piece of the open entry land that the state of Alaska gave to those who were willing to do the work required to survey and file a claim. We had learned that the state was going to soon be making changes to the land program and we didn't want to miss the opportunity. A close friend had flown us in to the frozen lake in late February and landed on the thick ice with his ski equipped bush plane. We spent a week camping in the sub-zero weather finding, surveying and staking the 20-acre parcel that would one day be our home away from home. Over the years we had built the cabin overlooking the lake that Randy and I were now going to. Through hard work and effort the place was much more than a rustic cabin. In fact, we had created a very livable and comfortable home. The only draw back is that I never want to leave it once I am there.

As peace continued to settle on me, my thoughts returned to the conversations with Randy from earlier in the day. The day so far had developed much differently than I had anticipated. Our outings for fishing, hunting and camping had always been light-hearted adventures. Randy's solemn demeanor was very unusual and out of character. He had opened up and expressed some of what was weighing on his heart, but I didn't know what to say or do to help lighten the load that my friend was burdened with.

Slowly paddling from my place in the stern of the canoe, I watched his strong back as he worked. Smoothly and skillfully Randy dug his paddle into the quiet water as we slipped along without a sound. What would I do, I asked myself, if it were he who decided to leave our relationship? Suddenly a new emotion was welling up from somewhere in my chest. Not willing to face or accept it, I forced myself to look away and try to think of other things. This was turning out to be a very confusing day for both of us.

*****

By the time we had unloaded the boat, opened up the cabin, prepared and eaten supper, cleaned up the dishes and put the cabin in order, we were beat. It had been a long day. That alone would account for how tired we were, but the overall tension between the two of us was also beginning to take its toll. The ups and downs of his mood and my own conflicting thoughts finally caught up to me and I was a bit short with him. It didn't seem like anything serious, we were both just tired. I thought that a good nights sleep would bring things back to normal. Randy however took this all in a more personal way. As the evening went on, he became more quiet and aloof.

Finally, as we were getting ready to take a quick sponge bath before bed, the tension snapped into an argument. When I said, "Here let me help you with that" offering to sponge his body in an effort to thaw the ice that had built between us the past few hours.

Randy snapped back, "No thanks, I can bathe myself. Been doing it by myself for a lot of years without your help."

"Fine." I said and abruptly turned away from him, my own anger rising.

"You can bathe your own cock if you want something to play with." Randy retorted.

The argument and tension unsettled me, so I grabbed my jacket and went outside to cool off awhile along the shoreline of the lake. The almost full moon was just coming over the treetops and the loons were starting their nightly chorus. Summer was gradually slipping into autumn and darkness was once again returning to the land of the midnight sun. Soon the gentle breeze and the peaceful night began to calm my nerves. I laughed in realization of how silly and childish we were acting. Just like two little children squabbling because we were too tired to stop playing and go to bed.

I turned back toward the cabin. It would feel good to apologize to Randy and get into bed with him for a well deserved, and needed, nights rest.

Entering the door, the first thing I saw was Randy with a sleeping bag on the floor in front of the fireplace. Hurt, but hoping to patch things up, I said, "Randy, you don't have to sleep on the floor, the bed is big enough for us both." In fact, it was big enough for three and it had held all three of us many times in the past.

He ignored me and pretended to be asleep. "I know you're awake," but with still no response I asked, "Randy, what are you doing on the floor?"

With anger still in his voice, Randy replied, "Just go to bed. I'm fine."

"Okay, suit yourself. Let's just get some rest." I answered, and stripped to lie down in the big empty bed.

*****

Upon awakening the next morning I was not rested. The night had been long and lonely. It had been a long time since I had slept alone with no other warm body to comfort me. Randy was already up and gone, his empty sleeping bag reminding me of the tension of last night.

While dressing I contemplated a quick bite of breakfast, but decided instead to just make some coffee and wait for Randy to return to the cabin. Perhaps he had just gone outside to take a piss.

Randy had still not returned after two cups of coffee, so I left the cabin to walk around the lakeshore and look for him. Another beautiful day greeted me as I stepped out the cabin door. The air was fresh and clean and the birds were already busy with their daily tasks. I looked around the clearing that surrounded the cabin, but saw no sign of him. Part of me was relieved that he was gone. The unusual tension between us was still on my mind. The last thing I wanted was to have this between us, especially out here where we usually had such fun together.

But I really only had an inkling of what might be wrong. The conversation we had the day before about our unusual relationship was part of it. Perhaps also the strange feelings of tenderness that I had been having lately could be partially to blame. They were certainly making me feel awkward when I was around him and perhaps he had picked up on that. I wasn't really sure if any of this was the cause though, and even if it was, I didn't have a good idea as to how we should fix it.

After walking less than a quarter of a mile, I spotted Randy sitting on a sunny sand bank at the edge of the lake. It was a nice spot. The outlet of a small clear stream that flowed through our property found its release into the lake at this point. Just above where he was sitting was a place covered with grass and flowers under a small grove of birch trees. It was a special spot for all of us and we often shared picnics there.

Walking up to where Randy sat, I said, "Hey there, what'cha doing?"

"Just sit'n and soaking up some sun", was the reply.

I sat down next to my closest friend and looked out over the lake. The warm sun did feel good as it burned away the morning chill. Deciding to try and burn away some of the chill that was still between us, I turned to face him and said, "About last night."

Randy put up a hand to stop me and said, " Don't. I've been sitting here all morning kicking myself in the butt over how I acted. You didn't do or say anything that deserved that." He paused and then continued, "The best thing to do is just say I'm sorry, let's put it behind us and enjoy our vacation."

"Hey it takes two to tango." I replied, and then added, "It was a long day and we were both tired. It just seems like there is something else though. I don't know quite what it is, but there has been some kind of strange tension between us." Looking into his eyes I asked, "Don't you feel it, or is it just me?"

"I feel it," Randy replied. "Actually that's what I've been thinking about all morning."

"Well," I asked, "What is it?"

"I'm not sure either," Randy answered honestly, and then added, "But I did come up with one thing."

"What?" I asked.

"This is the first time we have been together like this without Sylvia. Something feels different and it's hard to know how I should act around you without her being here," he answered.

As soon as Randy had said this, I realized that he had put my own confused feelings into words. However, there was something more, something left unsaid. Not being quite ready to acknowledge that, I shrugged and replied, "Maybe that's it. But, we had a lot of good trips together before you moved in with us. Let's just be like we were then."

"That sounds good to me," Randy said. Then, getting up, "I'm starved, let's go get something to eat."

*****

The remainder of the day was pleasant enough. The fishing occupied our thoughts and we were both more relaxed by the end of the afternoon. We were also getting tired. So when Randy said, " I'm done for, you want to call it a day?"

I didn't have to think before answering "Me too. Let's head for home."

There wasn't much talk as we quietly paddled back toward the cabin. We had once again been stalking the fat trout in the little clear stream we had fished the day before. This time, we had done our fishing from the banks. It had been a good day as we fished our favorite spots in search of the biggest trout.

Later, with supper done and the dishes washed, I asked Randy, "What do you say, we fire up the sauna and steam some the kinks out?"

"Great idea," he said, "I'm ready for that." With that Randy grabbed a couple of towels and headed outside.

"Hey," I called after him, "I've got a better thought. You get the fire going in the steam house and I'll put some water in the hot tub and start the fire for it too."

"You got it," Randy answered, as he set to work.

Now for those who don't know, traditional steam houses, or sweat lodges, in Alaska are small and low log structures covered with earth for insulation. Very simple actually, but practical and efficient. It takes only a small fire in the cast iron stove to heat a pan of water. That and a sprinkle of the water every once in awhile on the surface of the hot stove itself, and soon the small space is both hot and steamy. It was this that Randy went to prepare.

The hot tub that I had gone to "fire-up" was also a bit different. It is something we built many years ago from marine grade wood and epoxy. It requires no plumbing, pumps or electricity. We simply fill the tub with fresh water and build a fire in the specially designed metal firebox that sits surrounded by the water in the tub. Four inches of high-density insulation sandwiched between the walls keeps the water hot. A wooden grille at one end prevents anyone from touching the hot stove as the fire burns and heats the water. The ultimate in simplicity, but like the sauna, it provides a warm and cozy place to relax. Especially in the winter when we all sit together naked, warm and snug watching the snow gently drift down around our homestead or the flaming Aurora Borealis — those magical northern lights that paint huge abstracts in flowing and glowing greens on the canvas of the sky. Sadly, it was a bit early in the year for the lights this time.

Soon both sauna and hot tub were ready. We stood outside the sauna house and began removing our clothes on the little porch. When I had suggested the sauna earlier it was actually only the thought of how good the heat would feel that had motivated me. But, watching Randy strip naked in front of me, it was my hunger for contact with him that began to become more important. As always, to see the manly beauty of his body caused a stirring in my loins. By the time my own pants were off, my arousal was obvious.

I was actually a little embarrassed, for some reason reluctant to have him see the effect he was having on me. This was not the same shyness I had felt the first few times we had looked at one another naked. I had come to accept looking at Randy with sexual desire. Why then was I feeling this way now? Perhaps it was what Randy had said earlier, these feelings of arousal were happening without Sylvia. Her presence somehow had always made those feelings seem less personal, less about Randy and me and more about the three of us. But now we were just two men all alone.

We stood there only a moment or two, but in that short time we both had become fully erect as we looked at each other's nude body. It was obvious that we hungered only for each other this time and not the beautiful woman we usually shared. We could do nothing to hide it, or stop it, and in the end I realized that there were issues here that we had tried to bury. Randy's comment from yesterday still played in my head; 'As far as I'm concerned,' he had said, 'what I feel for you and what we do is queer.'

"After you," I said, offering Randy the door in a nonchalant attempt to break the moment. His strong round buttocks parted slightly as he turned and stooped to enter the low door. My eyes seemed glued to the large sack between his legs that held such precious treasure. I followed him, and his treasure, into the hot and steamy interior.

Soon we were sweating profusely, and the kinks and stiffness were melting away in the heat. Taking a washcloth and dipping it into the basin of soapy water, I began to bathe the day's grime from my body before getting in the hot-tub later. Randy followed suit and the interior of the little space was almost overwhelming because of the moisture, heat and the scent of men. But we persevered, that's the point of a sweat lodge.

Seeing me struggle to wash my backside, Randy said, "Here, let me do that."

I surrendered my washcloth to him and turned so he could scrub my back. It felt so nice to have his hands on me again. He gently, but thoroughly scrubbed my shoulders and back. Then waiting, wondering if he would continue lower, I was both anxious and then relieved when I felt the slick bar of soap being pressed into the crack of my ass. Lower and lower he went. We both were already on our knees in the low roofed sauna, so it was only natural for me to lean forward on the low wooded bench along the wall for balance — and spread my legs for him. On the next trip down my crack Randy continued farther and took my balls and cock into his hand. I had already washed myself there but didn't protest as he began to soap and wash me again.

Too soon Randy said, "Okay, now my turn." Removing his hands from between my legs, he turned around and received a similarly thorough washing from me.

The heat was just starting to become intolerable when Randy shouted, "Man! I'm about to smother in here, let's hit the hot tub." Without further talk we both scrambled for the door. Once outside we took deep breaths of the cool fresh air. Somewhat revived, we grabbed the buckets of cold water that Randy had placed there and rinsed ourselves from head to toe. How good the cold water felt as it cooled down our bodies. At the same time it also cooled the burning fire of lust that had been kindled. So, with bodies and lust dampened, we made a naked dash along the wooden walk and into the waiting hot tub.

"Ahhh," both of us moaned at the same time as the warm water enveloped us.