by sr71plt
I am constantly amazed by your stories - your prolific output, the quality of the presentation, and the wide range of settings/topics - so I look forward to seeing your latest in the "new" section each day when I log-in. Appreciated!
I've loved every story of yours that I've read so far and this is an almost delicate tale compared to some. It was beautifully and sensually described and if I have one small criticism it was probably that it is too short. The end felt rushed after that delicious build up... I need more!! *sobs*
xx.Sadie
The language in your story flows like music, gentle and mesmerizing as it leads the reader to the final climax. Beautiful imagery of opulence and a young mans mixed emotions.
I found the blend of Japanese and English a bit off-putting. It just seemed like you were trying too hard to push the setting. Things like arigato, could easily be put in English since the rest of the story is in English. Likewise, the whole Mamasan, papasan thing really annoyed me. You have the translated word but you kept the honorific. So it's not even correct. I would have understood it more if it had been okaa-san or haha for mom and otou-san or chichi for dad (depends on formality which you would use, obviously). Mama and papa can be used but it's more of a word that a very small child would use but never ever with an honorific (san) and are probably not applicable here since the character is not a toddler. Basically mama and papa are considered extremely informal to the point that some view them as rude (especially from older kids).
Sorry for the rant, I mean no offense. It just sort of killed the vibe for me...