by daddygoesdeep
Using quotation marks and commas can do wonders. The plot is fine though.
It was a good story! But I had trouble finding who was talking to whom. Please review your 7th and 8th grade composition classes and determine how to write conversation into your text.
Keep up the good stories.
I hate when punctuation, spelling, and grammar get in the way of a good story. This has potential to be a good story, but when you can't tell who is saying what to whom there is a problem.
Fix it up, repost it, and then I'll read it. As is, it's painful!
The last paragraph seems kinda rushed. Could have played around a little longer.