That Was Then - This is Now Pt. 02

"How did you know?"

"Just a wild guess since she's the only woman on staff," I laughed at him. "So what's the problem? Go ask her out."

"Yeah, well. I thought that policy..."

"Come on Jim, you knew that was my policy, but just for me. Anyway, go ahead and ask her. All I ask is that you go easy. She's had a pretty rough go of it. Does she know about your, I mean our, past?"

"Yeah. She knows your sister and got it out of her."

"Which one? My sisters have big mouths?"

"I m not going to say. So you're okay with this? I mean Sonja?"

"Yeah man, I'd never stand in the way of true love."

He finished his drink and started out the door. "You know Evan, you're standing in your own way. Will you ever get over her?"

"Erica?" I grimaced since his words were sort of echoing my feelings. "I don't know man. I don't even know if she's dead or alive or even where she is."

"Well Bro, I know all that stuff. If you need to know, just ask." And with that he closed the door and went back to his own place before I could answer.

What the hell? How is it that everyone seems to know what's going on in my life except me? I decided to phone Debbie since she had met Jim first, and he was a frequent guest at the Saturday barbeque at her house.

"Hi Sis. What's up?"

"Evan, Jerry was just talking about you. Seems you might have to come over and expand his program again. Since you set it up sales have started going nuts. He just got home."

"Sis, have you been talking to Jim?"

"Not other than at the barbeques. Should I? I know he's talked to Barb and Wendy a few times. I assumed it was about parole and stuff since Wendy's brother is your parole officer. Why, what's going on?"

"Do you know Sonja from the shop?"

"Just to see her. She seems nice. Why, is there trouble?"

"Not yet. There could be if those two become an item. Jim wanted my blessing to ask her for a date."

"I don't understand. Why would he need your blessing?" She seemed genuinely puzzled.

"Well, I have this policy about not dating employees. He seemed to think it applied to everyone, but it's only for me. The others can do what they want as long as business isn't affected. So, in a sense, I guess I gave him my blessing. I thought that he got all the info about her from you since you're about the same age as Sonja, and he's over to your place often enough."

"It wasn't me, it must have been Barb and Wendy. I'm pretty sure they know her from where she used to work, and I know Barb's talked to her in your store. I hope she and Jim get together. I like him. He's like that huge teddy bear I've always wanted. And he's a nice guy."

"Yeah, that he is." We talked for a few more minutes then I ended the call. So, Barb and Wendy. Now I wasn't sure how to handle this or even approach them. They had information about Erica. To be honest, deep down I'd never gotten over her, even after all that happened.

I called their house and Wendy answered, "Evan, a pleasant surprise. What's up?"

"Hi Wendy. I just wondered if you two would like to do lunch tomorrow. I've got some things I want to run by you."

"Yeah, sure Evan. I'll let Barb know. She's over at the neighbours right now going over some decorating ideas."

"Great, I'll pick you up at 12 Noon. Don't be late," I laughed as I hung up.

* * * *

The next day I pulled up in front of Barb and Wendy's home decorating business just as they were coming out and locking the door. They both jumped into my truck and I drove down to one of the few really good family restaurants in town.

Once we were settled at the table and had placed our orders, I started, "Okay you two. What have you been telling people about me and Jim. Me I don't care, but Jim's got a chance to make a real life for himself and I don't want it screwed up."

Barb looked at Wendy, who looked back at Barb. Wendy began, "Okay, you got us. I got some info from my brother, your parole officer. I know he's not supposed to talk about his "clients" but we, us and Meg, his wife, ganged up on him so he gave us a brief outline on both of you. He thinks you guys have your shit together, or he probably wouldn't have said anything."

"Did you tell Sonja about us?" I asked.

"Yeah, we saw her in the supermarket one day and she asked if we knew anything about Jim. So we went and had a coffee and told her what we knew. We wouldn't lie about it," said Wendy.

Barb continued, "We just told her what we had been told. You both did time for manslaughter, you're both on parole, and your parole officer says you've got it together. Honest Evan, we didn't say anything else."

"Okay you two, not to worry. It's just that yesterday I had Sonja come in and ask about dating Jim and then last night he came by my apartment to ask about dating Sonja. I told them that it's none of my business who they dated as long as it doesn't affect the business. I also asked him if she knew about his background. He said that she did, and she'd got it from one of my sisters. I thought it might have been Debbie since she's about the same age as Sonja. I called her, and she spilled the beans," I ended with a laugh.

Our lunches came and general talk continued through lunch. The server cleared the plates away and refilled our coffees. Barb glanced at Wendy, who nodded. Oh, oh, I thought, something's up.

"Evan, I know you said that this is a taboo subject," Barb started.

"Erica."

"Yes. You won't talk about her and you won't talk to her. I've run into her a couple of times. She asks about you all the time."

"So? When did she get this sudden urge to ask about a killer?"

"Evan, that's uncalled for. She's just as hurt as you about the whole matter. She didn't even know you were in prison until I told her. I had to go for some blood work a couple of years ago before you got out and she ended up being my lab tech. When she asked about you, I was really blunt. I told her you were in prison for killing her lover and she just passed out. She was in the hospital for a couple of days and off work for over a week. I think even now she's still in a bit of shock. After she was released and went back to work, I looked her up and we went for coffee. I gave her an abridged version of what had happened. She didn't know. She'd left the college at the Christmas break and never heard about it at all."

"You mean she didn't graduate?"

"No, not from there. I guess her parents were really pissed at her. They never heard about the incident, is it alright to call it that?" I nodded. "They never heard about it until the trial started. All they knew is that she had cheated on you. By then Erica was in BCIT. She had no social life, had a job, and finished a year early by studying through the summers. They never told her, and she hasn't really talked to anyone who knew the two of you. She's a lab tech at Wooston Labs in Fairview. She's got an apartment over there as well. She couldn't see living at her parents' place. She's been there almost five years now."

"So she's doing okay," I took a few moments to digest all this. I really hadn't heard much about her at all since I went to prison. Of course, that was the way I wanted it.

"Evan, we have to get back to the shop. Our next door neighbours are redecorating and we've got the contract."

"Yeah, I've got to get back to work too. Let's go, Lunch is on me," I paid the bill and left a generous tip. Servers are generally overworked and underpaid. I found it paid off to be a good tipper.

I dropped Barb and Wendy off in front of their shop. There were two people, I'd say in their fifties, waiting for them. The smiled at the couple, and as Wendy went to greet them, Barb leaned into the truck and said, "Think about it, Evan. Please. I think it would do you both good to talk about it. Even if nothing else happens, it'll at least clear the air. Thanks for lunch." She closed the door and followed the others into the shop before I could answer.

* * * *

Over the next few months, we got really busy. Jim was out on jobs more than he was in the shop. Sonja easily handled most of the front counter stuff. I mostly looked after our business clients, helped in the back, and worked the front counter when I had to. It was starting to look like we might have to hire more staff if it got much busier. We weren't complaining. Jim and Sonja started dating, but didn't talk about it at all at work.

About this time, I was starting to consider some sort of share plan where everyone got their regular wages, then a share of the profits at year end. I talked to the Credit Union manager and he gave me some pointers. He also told me to get a good tax accountant and talk it over with them. He gave me a couple of names and I made some phone calls. They were busy, so it would be almost two weeks before I could get it started.

There was one afternoon when we all happened to be in the shop. Jim and Sonja were up front as usual, I was buried under paperwork and our two techs were going non-stop with repairs. We had a policy of twenty four hour turnaround unless we had to order parts. Then the customer was advised of the delay. We had a good reputation for honesty and service, two qualities necessary for success.

My intercom buzzed. "Yes?"

"Evan, we need you up front for a sec," answered Jim.

"Can't you handle it Jim?"

"Nope, this one needs you."

"Okay, give me a minute." I walked up to the front of the shop wondering what on earth could be so difficult that they'd need me. I walked up behind the front counter and stopped and stared.

Erica! What the hell is she doing here?

So this is what it was about. I just glared at Jim and Sonja and turned around and walked through the workshop and out the back door without saying a word to anyone, slamming the door on my way out. My mind was racing in five different directions. I didn't know where I was going, I was just going. I found myself in a small park a couple of blocks away from the downtown area. There were only a few ducks and a couple of Canada geese around, no people at all.

* * * *

Erica just stood there inside the door, tears streaming down her face. She made no attempt to wipe them.

"He really does hate me, doesn't he?" she said.

Sonja thought for a minute then replied, "No, Erica, he doesn't hate you. As a matter of fact, I think he's still in love with you."

"Even after...?" Erica mumbled.

"Yes, even after all that's happened. He never blamed you for his being sent to prison. He was trying to take his own life and got stopped by his roommate. The thing with, what was his name? Brad?" Erica nodded. "The thing with Brad was just an unfortunate circumstance of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You were never considered part of it."

"Why won't he talk to me then," Erica sobbed. "I talked to Barb and Wendy and they thought it might be a good idea to come here since he's hardly ever at home. Why did he run?"

Jim spoke up, "Erica. He's still hurt and confused about his feelings for you, even after all this time. He's afraid of saying or doing something that will hurt you, or him. Remember, this is the first time he's seen you for years, and he's so far refused to talk to anyone about what happened. I know what went down because I was his cellmate for six years. He's the one who taught me about computers and my specialty, networking. He had never, ever said anything about Brad being your fault."

"You were in...?" Erica wasn't sure she heard right.

"Yes, we were in the same cell for six years. I served eight of a ten year sentence for basically the same thing, manslaughter. Evan served his full seven years. He applied for early parole only once. They turned him down so he never bothered to apply again."

"God, I never knew. I knew he'd been in prison, but seven years?"

"Well, only six were in prison. He spent the first year in a mental hospital because of his attempted suicide and depression. I don't think that part is very far away or even well known. Even now, he still fights the demons, every day. I know he goes for counselling about once a month."

"Is there somewhere I can sit down? I don't know if I can handle this," sobbed Erica. Sonja led her back to the rudimentary break room that they all shared. If the techs thought it was unusual, they never let on. They may not have even noticed. Techs can be like that.

"Here, have some water. Evan wouldn't have gone far. Probably just to the park a few blocks away," Sonja said. "I'm pretty sure that he's just in shock from seeing you standing there. I have to admit that I didn't think that walking out the back door would be his reaction."

"You think...?" Erica was sort of wondering out loud.

"Should you go find him? What have you got to lose? Either that or wait here for him to come back, which he might not do today. Look, I don't know you, just that you and Evan have a history. He's a great guy. He's the only one that would give me and Jim a chance. The only one that would hire us. Whatever you do, don't hurt him worse than he already is. I have to get back to work. You're welcome to hang out here if you want. We don't close for another couple of hours."

Sonja left Erica sitting in the break room, contemplating her next move. She finished her glass of water, rinsed the glass and put it on the side board. She checked to see that all the obvious signs of her tears weren't showing on her face, got her purse and jacket, and quietly went out the back door of the shop.

She spotted the park entrance, just where Sonja had said. As she got closer, she could see a lone figure sitting on a bench facing a pond. A few ducks and geese floated around, but he didn't even seem aware of them.

* * * *

My mind was swirling. All the events of the past nine or so years came screaming through my head. God damn it, everything was going so well. I had almost gotten Erica out of my conscious, though never my sub-conscious, and thought I could move on. Now what? What do I say? What do I do? I just buried my head in my hands. I felt really confused. I didn't hear the quiet footsteps come up behind me.

After a few minutes, I sensed her behind me. She hadn't spoken, just stood there. I didn't look, and didn't speak. Maybe she'd just go away.

After a few minutes Erica said, "You know Evan, I killed a man too. Actually, I think I killed two men."

"Yeah, you're all about killing people." The anger I felt was obvious in my voice.

"Oh, I don't mean I physically did it but I might as well have pulled the trigger," Erica replied. "What I mean is that I killed the man I loved by cheating. If I hadn't done that, the other wouldn't have happened."

Erica was sobbing, but I never turned around to look at her. "You know that I do love you, I always have. We need to talk. I want to talk. I need to explain..."

"You need to explain what? That you were fucking that football player on the side? What needs explaining? You cheated and tore the guts and heart out of me and you think you can explain that?" The anger, hurt, and betrayal spat the words out for me. "I loved you with all my being and got rewarded by that! And you need to explain. Go away. Fuck off and leave me alone. There's nothing to explain. You did what you did, and I did what I did. It's finished." I still didn't look at her, afraid what I might say or do if I faced her.

She dropped a card on the bench beside me. "Please call. Anytime. Evan, please. We, I mean I, need to talk about this. Maybe nothing will come of it but it will help me, us, heal. We both need to heal Evan."

With that she turned and walked slowly out of the park and back to her car parked in front of the computer shop, a small figure with the weight of the world on her shoulders. She got into her car, collapsed into the seat and bawled.

She was still there when Sonja looked out awhile later, a lost figure sitting and staring out the windshield of the car and seeing nothing. Sonja thought about going out to talk to Erica, and decided against. Obviously the talk, if they even had one, hadn't gone the way she and Jim had hoped.

When they locked the shop a couple of hours later, Erica was gone. Evan hadn't returned to the shop that afternoon. They went to his apartment. There was no answer to their knock on the door. His truck was in its stall, but that was normal. Evan usually walked to work. At the park? They agreed to walk the short distance to see if he was there. They had to make sure he was okay. He might be the boss, but he was their friend.

They found me sitting on the bench where I'd been when Erica talked to me. "Hey, man. You okay?" Jim asked. I just nodded, not saying anything. "Look, back at the shop. You know. Well, we didn't..."

"If I thought you two had set this up," I said quietly, "you might be looking for work. But I'm betting on Barb and Wendy."

"Evan," Sonja spoke, "we didn't even know who she was until she told us. Oh, we know about her, but have never even met her until today."

"Okay, I believe you. I'll be okay. You guys just go. I'll see you on Monday." They hesitated a moment, made as if to speak but didn't. They walked out of the park hand in hand leaving a forlorn figure sitting on the bench watching the ducks and geese without really seeing them.

I pulled out my Blackberry and made a call.

Two hours later, with an iced tea at hand, I was sitting in my therapists' office relating the events of the afternoon. The therapist thought for a few minutes then said, "What do you want to do about all this Evan? I mean really do." He emphasized the word. "You obviously still have feeling for her, even though you try to bury them in your work. How's that working for you?" I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Here's what I think. Set up a meeting. Set it up in a neutral setting like a park or somewhere public, but where you won't be interrupted. Tell her how you feel, tell her everything. But, and this is really important, you have to let her have her say as well. You might even let her go first, but tell her the ground rules. Neither of you can walk away until you're both finished talking."

He went on to discuss how he thought the meeting could be put together. Just as I was getting up to leave, somewhat relieved to have been able to talk this out, the therapist asked a parting question, "Evan, you say you don't blame her for what happened. Is that really true, or are you just being noble? It's important for you to know what you really, and I do mean really, feel about it. It's no good if your true feelings on the matter are buried."

"Okay, thanks Doc. That's something to think about. Can we set up an appointment for late next week? I want to tell you how it goes."

"Good idea. How about a week from now, same time?"

"Works for me," I said as I quietly closed the door behind and went home.

Chapter 8

I returned to my apartment, reflecting on the day. It was, to say the least, eye-opening. I hadn't realized how Erica felt and had tried to put the thought of her or what she might be thinking out of my mind. I resolved to call her tomorrow and set up a meeting. Tonight I just wanted to relax and not think of anything, anything at all. I was in bed and asleep by ten without even having dinner. My appetite had deserted me in the park.

****

Jim and Sonja walked back towards the apartment block. "Jim, you want to come over for dinner? I know the girls would love to see you again. I don't know what we're having, but I can get something together."

"Sounds good. But how about this? We swing by the Burger Baron and pick up some burgers and a couple of kids meals, my treat."

"Are you sure? I know the girls love those kids' meals they have. I haven't had one of their burgers for ages."

"Good, it's settled. Let's go up to my apartment so I can get cleaned up then we'll head over." They walked up the stairs to his apartment. "Sorry about the mess. Typical bachelor pad. I'll just be a minute then we can get going."