The Accident Ch. 03-04

He thought of Abby, the woman he had recently been dating, with pain. The breakup was hard and bitter: nasty words were said and it was like so many others over the last few years: he was unable to commit to a life with anyone. Betty didn't need to know that. It was better left unsaid. Too many painful memories there.

For the thousandth time, he wondered if he should have taken the boys on a trip back to the states to meet their mother. Betty suggested it in every letter and he declined in his. He had made no secret from the boys of the fact that she was alive and lived in his old hometown. He had simply told them that he and Nicky had separated and that she had a life of her own. They never tried to get him to take them to see her and he never suggested it. Now, it was more important than before because he had a decision to make. Maybe he would bring the subject up with them. Maybe he had better investigate his own motives first. Was this for them or for him? He decided to bring it up tonight at dinner.

They were staying at the Marriott in Brisbane and it was a beautiful hotel. It faced the ocean and was a wonderful place for the boys. They could explore the beaches, grab a taxi and go into the city and in general find something to do that would please 8 year old boys. They were very independent and he did not worry much about them, although he had hired a guide to be with them who was recommended to be very good with boys. Together, they were a match for most anybody. He was again proud of the way he had raised them.

They decided to eat in the outdoor dining room and they dressed casually. It was warm here in December and they enjoyed the change from the weather in Belgium this time of year. They sat at a table away from the bulk of the room at their father's request. He had told them he wanted a family discussion. That meant either something very good or very bad, or so the boys equated it.

As they finished their dinner and Tom had ordered coffee for himself and dessert for the boys, he looked at them sitting together. As usual, they dressed identically. They loved to do this and to confuse the staff of the hotel. They did it good naturedly and only in fun.

"Boys, I want to ask you a question and I want you to think about it and maybe talk to each other before you give me an answer. Can you do that?"

"Sure we can do that pop. Is it something good or something bad? It's always one or the other when we have these family discussions."

"I don't know how you are going to take what I have to ask you. I guess the best thing to do is just ask. How would you feel about going to the US to meet your mother and grandparents?"

The silence was deafening as the boys looked first at Tom and then at each other. It was only a few seconds but to Tom, it felt like forever. As he watched, their faces changed and they both gave a whoop of joy almost at the same instant. Around the restaurant, faces turned their way and then back as they saw it was only boys laughing.

"Are you serious? Meet our mother and grandparents? You've got to be kidding. That's all we've thought about for the last five years. We were always told not to mention it to you because it made you sad and made you hurt. So we didn't, but we always wanted to. When can we go? Soon? Where does she live? Will she remember us? Can we go soon?"

They both talked together, finishing each other's sentences, alternating sentences and in general making perfect sense. He never understood how they could do that. He had not thought of what he wanted them to say, but as they continued to talk aloud and express their excitement, he found himself smiling. Inside he must have been thinking the same thing and he found himself responding to their enthusiasm. They were going to do this!

Before dinner was over, he had told them somewhat of their mother and grandparents. He told them they lived in a small town in California and that Nicky was a counselor to young people with problems. He told them of Betty and Harry and promised to let them see some of the letters she had written and some of the pictures she had sent. He had them all safely locked away, perhaps for this day.

"Dad, why did you and our mom break up? Why did you have to leave her when you took us away to Belgium? Can you please tell us now? We're old enough to know the truth. We never believed the story about the two of you just deciding to go different places. She wouldn't have given us up so easily, would she? It isn't true that she didn't want us, is it?"

Tom was surprised that they had this many questions, but then again, why wouldn't they? He had never talked much about what happened and just told them, when they asked about her when they were smaller, that they had just grown apart. He had told them that Nicky was too sick to care for them and agreed to let them come with him. He never let them see his hurt or his anger when he spoke of her and he never blamed her for anything. She was sick, that's all he said. They finally stopped asking.

Now, he took the time to tell them as much as he could about their mother and their grandparents and their home. He made sure they knew their mother had not deserted them and that she and their grandparents would welcome them and love them just as he did. They listened as he told them all he could, leaving out only the pain.

After they returned to Belgium, Tom made some calls to arrange the trip back to the states. He hadn't discussed this with the boys, but he had been offered a major promotion to Executive VP of Operations, Worldwide and it would mean relocating back to California. He wanted to make the trip more for that than anything else, to see if he really wanted to return home. He was pretty sure it was time.

The trip was finalized and set for the second week February. The boys had their passports and all of their shots and he had arranged with the school for time off. They were both good students and he had no problem with the school. They were ready, of course, and couldn't wait. He had called Betty and Harry and told them of the trip plans and Betty was beside herself. She said she would let Nicky know and she cried on the phone as she heard all of the plans. Tom was pleased and let her talk to her grandsons for the first time. It was quite a call.

Tom arranged for a corporate rental in Valencia, California where they would be going. It was a small town, just off the 5 in a section called Santa Clarita Valley. There was an amusement park there and it was where the headquarters was located. Since he planned on staying there for as long as 6 weeks, he thought the rental would be better for the boys. He had no idea of how Nicky lived and he knew that Betty and Harry's home was very small so this was the best solution. He gave the address to Betty on one of their calls and she said she knew where it was. They were all set.

The day came, the plane left and they were on their way. They left at 6:00 AM and planned to stop in Newark before heading on to California. The trip would take about 12 hours, all told and it promised to be very unpleasant. However, with the boys as excited as they were and his pleasure at watching them, the trip went faster than he expected. He was glad they had done this and he found himself thinking more and more of Nicky. What would she look like now after almost 7 years? Would she look the same? She would be delighted to see the boys but how would she feel about him? He had told her of Shelly and his letter was bound to have hurt her. He knew that it was part of the reason she had tried to kill herself and he was sorry about that. It was never his intention to cause her pain. He was just trying to explain to her.

They arrived late that next night and Harry met them at the airport. He said that Betty and Nicky wanted to wait until they had time to rest and clean up and that tomorrow would be the day for reunion. Tom was just as happy that it could be delayed since everybody was tired and irritable: not the best way to meet someone for the first time. Harry got them to the apartment and it was more than satisfactory. They settled in and all fell asleep almost as soon as they touched the pillow.

With jet lag, the next day arrived way too soon. The boys seemed to recover quickly however, and after a shower, they were ready to go. He followed and they went out to breakfast. During breakfast at a Denny's, Tom called Betty and they made arrangements to meet at her place in an hour. Tom remembered quite well how to find it. Things had changed some but he knew how to get there.

"Is she going to be there?" Tom wanted to be prepared.

"Yes, she's here now and wants so much to see the boys. You can't imagine what this means to her, Tom."

"Yes I can. You can't know what it means to me to see her. And I want to see her face when she sees the boys. She'll be proud, just like I am."

As Tom hung up, he was surprised at his comments. He found that he was truly anxious to see Nicky, more so than he had ever imagined. He accepted his feelings, although he didn't fully understand them. He returned to his seat and waited till they were all finished. It was time to reunite their family.

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Nicky sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee forgotten in front of her. Her mind was in a whirl and she couldn't seem to focus on her mother as she talked of the boys and what it would be like to see them. She tried to make sense of her feelings but couldn't. These were her sons, her boys, taken from her so many years ago. She didn't know what she felt. She had worked so hard to suppress all of her feelings for them so many years ago that she was afraid she had lost them entirely. She remembered the pain that was so intense at times that it threatened to consume her. She had forgotten in defense of her sanity. To remember and to not have them was too hard. She had let them go.

Betty watched her daughter and could almost hear the thoughts going on in her head. She knew the pain and the loss and the fear that Nicky was experiencing right now. She had almost lost her daughter 6 years ago when she found out that she had lost her boys. She had witnessed her fight back to sanity and her struggle to live with what she had been given and what had been taken away. It was a battle that Nicky had fought long and hard and had finally won. Now, all that she had buried was about to be brought back into the light. She knew that Nicky was frightened but she also knew that she would forget it all when she saw Jason and Joshua, her sons.

Nicky shook her head and seemed to wake herself from a deep sleep. She looked at Betty and put a smile on her face. Whatever was going to be would be. She would do what she could do and she would not struggle against what could not be. So she had learned during her recovery.

"When will they be here? Did Tom say what time?" Nicky was as ready as she would ever be for this. She had never expected it to come, but now it was here.

"In about 30 minutes. They are on the way. They stopped for breakfast at Denny's over on McCloud Boulevard. Tom, Jason and Joshua. Are you ready?"

"As much as I can be. Will they remember me, mom? Will they know who I am and will they forgive me?"

"They are your sons, Nicky and they will know you. They have nothing to forgive because they are your sons and they know you didn't let them go willingly. Don't you worry about that. They'll know. Oh, yes, they'll know."

Betty smiled to herself. She knew what a mother knew. Blood would tell and Nicky would see for herself. This was the last step in Nicky's return to the world. She had been working and existing and smiling and talking, but she had not been living. She had been waiting: waiting for this moment.

The car pulled into the driveway and the doors flew open to allow two anxious boys to pile out and look for their mother. They looked to the door just as Nicky opened it. They stopped and looked toward her for an eternity before Nicky ran down the steps to embrace the two boys now running toward her. They remembered! They knew her for who she was and it was as if they had never parted. They embraced together and they cried together and the world was right again.

Betty watched with tears in her eyes as the reunion took place. She had known it would be like this. A mother and her sons! A mother that could now heal completely and sons that would grow up knowing both their mother and father. That was as it should be.

Tom watched with a lump in his throat. He had been right to bring them home. They were where they should be, and he knew that he would make the move back home. He couldn't take this from them, ever again. He watched for a while and then moved to embrace Betty and Harry. They were also watching and they would wait their turn to meet their grandsons. This was more important.

"Thank you Tom. This was the right thing to do and I bless you for it. This will finish the healing that Nicky has fought for all these years."

"No, I should have done this long ago but I guess I had some healing of my own to do. But, they come first. Watching them, I know it is for the best." He decided to tell them first before Nicky and the boys.

"I have accepted a new position and I will be relocating back here to Valencia permanently. We will be here from now on." He smiled at the look on Betty's face and accepted Harry's handshake and hug.

"Do they know?" He asked.

"Not yet. I wanted to wait until they could take it in. I think that may be a while yet, don't you?"

The three were still holding each other but were now talking and telling each other of secrets and wonders and sharing everything. Nicky was watching their faces in wonder and she could not get enough. They were her sons! They were her sweet boys, lost for so long and now come home to her. She cried tears of happiness as she laughed in total joy. They laughed with her and shed tears of their own. They were home!

It was much, much later, after the boys had met their grandma and grandpa that Nicky and Tom had exchanged a polite hug of welcome and a quick search of the others face for clues to their feelings. Questions were present on each face but answers would wait.

The day passed in joy and exploration and discovery and dinner was shared. It was a day that each would remember forever. The boys tried valiantly to stay awake long into the night but jet lag and fatigue took their toll and they found a quiet place in the spare room to conk out. Betty and Harry stayed with Tom until they also feigned fatigue and retired to their bedroom. They encouraged Tom to just let the boys stay over if he chose to go back to the apartment. He agreed and Betty smiled. Her grandsons in her house!

Alone at last, Tom and Nicky sat at the kitchen table and it was awkward at first. They looked at each other, waiting for the other to start. Neither knew what to say and the silence stretched on until finally Tom spoke.

"I don't know whether Betty told you but I am moving back to Valencia for good. I have taken a new position here. I haven't told the boys yet but I wanted you to know that they will not be going back. They belong here, with you. I know that now."

Nicky watched as Tom spoke and she found that he was as familiar to her now as he was before. It was as if he had never left. Yes, he was older and more mature. He was probably more handsome than he was when he was younger and she was still moved by him. She could feel it deep down somewhere; somewhere where the feelings had been dormant.

"I'm glad Tom. I'm glad that you have done so well and I'm especially glad that the boys will be here for me. I have missed them so much. I have worked so hard not to miss them but I wasn't very successful. When I saw them today, it all came back. All the shame; all the pain; and all the guilt. But they washed it all away with their smiles and their hugs and I felt such joy. I will be forever grateful to you."

In his turn, Tom watched Nicky and wondered how he could have left her. He felt now as he had before all of the sadness and pain. He had never stopped loving her! It was clear to him now. He had left her when she couldn't stop him. That was the coward's way and he had taken it then. Now, he saw it for what it was.

"I have so much to say to you, but the only thing that seems important is that I still love you as much as I did before. I have been miserable and lonely all these years and now I understand why. I could never make a commitment to anyone else and I didn't know why. Now I do."

Tom said this calmly and with some surprise. It had come to him slowly during the day as he watched his family come together. It came to him as he realized over dinner that they were each, in their own way, complete now.

"And I love you Tom. I always have and I always will. But I am not the same person that I was when you left. I am different and you don't know me. I have not made time for anyone but myself since I recovered from the attempt to end my life. I have had to work so hard just to survive and I have made a life for myself that hasn't had room for anyone else. Now I have my sons back and I will learn to make room for them. That will be easy since they were never far away in my mind and they never blamed me for not being there."

"But you, Tom, you are different. You told me that I lacked trust in you, and because of that, I didn't love you. But that wasn't true. I never stopped trusting you: I made a mistake believing Harris. It wasn't a lack of trust, it was simply a mistake made when I was feeling sorry for myself and encouraged by a selfish man that only wanted to have me. I never doubted you and when I finally came face to face with my decision to punish you, I found that I couldn't. Your phone call was only the confirmation to something I had already known."

Tom listened and felt only sadness. He had never considered anybody else's side in all of this. He was angry at Harris for manipulating Nicky with information he had about work and he had never told Nicky of his long range plans. But he had to admit that if she had known what he was doing, none of this had to happen, and Harris would still be alive because he would never have been able to use that information.

"What do we do now? I know that I should never have left you without giving you the opportunity to tell me your side of everything. I should never have divorced you and taken our children. I know that now, but can you ever forgive me?"

Nicky looked down at the table and then back up to Tom. She had learned to face everything head on as part of her recovery and she would not stop now.

"I don't know what will happen. I forgave you a long time ago. It was necessary that I accept my responsibility in everything that happened and I was able to move forward. Now that my sons are back, I can learn to be happy again. If I can learn to be happy, maybe we can learn to love and trust each other again. I'm willing to try."

Tom smiled at her and said, "That's all I can ask for."

All of the decisions had been made, the movers contacted, the flat sold and the turnover in management locally made. It had all been done on schedule and with time to spare. He had spoken with the boys' teachers and their records had all been transferred. They were good students and the teachers had all written glowing praise in their referrals. Since it had not been necessary for the boys to return, they were unable to say personal goodbyes but Tom took all wishes with him to give to them later.

He flew home at the end of the week and Harry met him at the airport. He was to drive him to the new house in Saugus, close to the office. They had picked it out when he was here before and the boys were a big help. They looked at several houses with their mother and they decided on the one they finally purchased. It was beautiful and located on one of the many hills surrounding the valley. The view was outstanding, and that was what California was all about: view!