The Accidental Lesbian

"Aye, aye, sir!" the Sergeant Major yelled back.

"Would you be so kind to inform this officer and young gentleman", the Colonel leered with contempt dripping from his voice, "what he should be doing at this moment?"

"Sir, aye, aye, sir!" the Sergeant Major barked with an intensity that made the second lieutenant jump.

The Sergeant Major got into the second lieutenant's face as if the second lieutenant were a private and screamed, flecking the second lieutenant's face with spittle, "Sir," the Sergeant Major barked and with no respect in sir, "there is a superior officer on deck. You should be at AT-TEN-SHUN NNNNOOOOWWWWW!"

The second lieutenant snapped to attention, wondering what was happening. Before he knew it the Colonel was in his face, speaking conversationally but with his mouth millimeters away from the second lieutenant's nose and his eyes burning into those of the second lieutenant's.

"Son, how long have you been in country?"

"Four weeks, sir!"

"Son, wanna make first lieutenant?"

"Sir! Yes, sir!"

"Then son, something you need to learn and learn it right-fucking-now.

"You need to learn to depend on your senior non-comms. They know what's going on. You don't. You know how to wipe your ass and show up at mess call. Other than that, I think most second lieutenants are fucking pieces of worthless dog shit soiling a good parade deck. But that's just my opinion. Now I read the incident report on what your team was involved in and the actions of your gunny were righteous in my eyes. And you know what son?"

"Sir! No, sir!"

"Except for the Chief of Naval Operations, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and the Commander-in-Chief, ain't nobody in the world that can override what my eyes see. You savvy, son?"

"Sir! Yes, sir!"

"I catch you fucking with the non-comms again, son, and you'll be one yourself or you'll be breakin' rocks in Leavenworth or," the Colonel paused, "if I should catch you asleep on watch in a war zone or deserting your post, or any other of a hand full of violations of the rules of war, I'll fucking put a bullet in your head and ain't no one in the whole fucking world going to question my actions. I'll write your parents one hell of a fine 'I regret to inform you' letter, though. You savvy, son?"

"Sir! Yes, sir!"

"Good! Now why don't you write someone and tell them that you just survived your first encounter with Bad Ass Bob Johnson."

"Aye, aye, sir!"

The Colonel left the tent and went to the sickbay where Dana was being given a shot of sedative by the Army commander of the field hospital. Dana did not fight. Her eyes were vacant. When the shot took effect she sagged on the cot. One of the staff sergeants who had accompanied her carefully put her feet on the cot and covered her with a blanket.

The Colonel bent down and gently put his hand on her shoulder and gently gave an order, "You rest easy, Gunny. You are under my direct orders that you are to live. And if you don't follow my orders I swear to God I'll find a way to go to hell and court martial your ass. You savvy, Gunny?"

"Aye, aye, sir," Dana slurred under the rapid acting sedative.

The last thing she heard was the Colonel telling someone to pull her personnel jacket and send it to his office.

The dream that Dana was having now, that had her body covered in sweat and twitching was what happened to make her request that the Colonel allow her to kill herself.

At a checkpoint north of Baghdad, Dana's Military Police patrol was on duty. She was in command of a squad of Marines and a half dozen Iraqi police trainees though the second lieutenant was the "area commander" and over Dana.

She was about 20 yards from the actual checkpoint, checking some radio traffic with the squad's radio operator.

The radio traffic was panicked and wild. "Sierra Echo 1-4 is DOWN! Sierra Echo 1-4 is DOWN! Request fire support! IMMEDIATE! FIRE FOR EFFECT!"

"Oh GOD! Sierra 1-3 is DOWN! Sierra Echo 1-3 is DOWN! Request immediate fire support!"

"Stand your post Sierra Echo 1-3 this is Cobra Tango 1-Niner. I'm rolling in. Put a little depleted uranium up some asshole's ass."

Dana's stomach tightened; she was ready for action. She could see a Marine Super Cobra in the distance turning in to start a strafing run and heard the distinctive sound of tearing cloth that a 20MM Gattling cannon makes as it fires.

"Simons, get me the fuck someone at HQ on the radio! We're naked as jaybirds out here!"

"You said it, Gunny.

"Sierra Echo 2-1 to Savoy Hotel, over..."

Another panicked broadcast broke in on the all aid channel; a Humvee with the 2d Armored Cavalry took an improvised explosive device. Dana heard the boom of the bomb and then the answering fire of the Humvee following though Dana didn't know who they were shooting at. They were less than 2 kilometers from her position.

An insurgent push was on. "Simons, forget it," Dana yelled to her radio operator, "It's dropped in the pot. Take cover."

She looked south down the road they were on and saw pedestrian and vehicular traffic coming toward them. On the hardball. "Shit."

Suddenly two old Toyotas broke from the rest of the group coming their way. The cars were speeding toward the checkpoint and did not appear to have any intentions of stopping.

Dana yelled at her squad at the checkpoint to take cover and fire warning shots. The second lieutenant was a little lost. He should be giving the orders but he didn't know what to order.

The warning shots did not slow the two cars down. As the lead car sped past Dana's position she yelled in Arabic for them to stop or they would be killed. The occupants of the car probably never heard her. Dana raised her rifle and started firing on the lead car. She placed her shots well, coolly aiming at the silhouettes of the heads inside the car.

Soon her squad opened fire on the lead car. The driver was obviously dead and the car careened sideways in the road and came to a stop, amidst a cloud of dust and steam and smoke, about 10 yards from the checkpoint. Dana then directed her fire on the following car. Her second shot apparently hit the explosives packed in the car. It went off, the concussion of the blast throwing Dana and her radio operator to the ground.

Because the first car was stopped relatively far out in front of the checkpoint the damage done by the second car was negligible. There were only minor injuries among her squad and the Iraqi police. But in the first car was a husband and pregnant wife and their four children. The wife was in labor and they were simply trying to make it to the hospital a kilometer the other side of Dana's checkpoint.

It was impossible to tell, and no one but Dana and her second lieutenant CO seemed to care, but Dana felt that she was responsible for the death of everyone in the lead car. That her actions prevented a car bomb from taking out the checkpoint was immaterial to the grief strickened Dana or to the frightened second lieutenant. Dana had killed civilians. Dana had killed children. And that piss ant second lieutenant, afraid he was going to end up on the cover of Time magazine as someone who killed women and children could not wait to take all his fears out on Dana.

Of course, command saw it otherwise. Having lost two checkpoints and the 2d Cav loosing one of its vehicles in this small insurgent push, the fact that the troops at Sierra Echo 2-1 held their ground was to be commended and later was.

But Dana could not shake off what had happened; what she had caused to happen.

Her body suddenly wrenched off the bed as if possessed and she grabbed Theresa roughly, yelling in Arabic at the top of her lungs. Whatever she was yelling she was yelling in the tone of a seasoned sergeant and she was repeating it over and over.

Theresa initially was frightened but when she fully awoke she realized Dana was having some sort of flashback. She grabbed Dana and began talking evenly and softly even though Dana was yelling. The two women were kneeling on the bed, naked, facing each other. Each had hold of the others' arms.

Then the lights came on as Becca and the other girls stood bleary eyed in their mother's bedroom doorway.

"Mother! Should I call 911?!" Becca screamed.

Without taking her eyes off of Dana, Theresa answered calmly, "No, honey. Dana's going to be all right any minute now. But if she does strike out at me then you get your sisters and you out of the house and call 911."

Becca was near tears. "Okay, Mom."

Suddenly Dana stopped yelling, stopped struggling with Theresa. She blinked, first at Theresa and then the frightened girls in the doorway. She was back in the present and God, what a mess she had made.

Theresa realized that her girls had never seen her nude in bed; sexually. Dana realized the same thing and how this all must look; she could feel the sweat dripping from her face and breasts from her mental struggle with Theresa. Plus she had just scared the living daylights out of everybody in the house. This is precisely what lost her two lovers and why she was alone now. For Dana it was happening all over again.

The girls stood frozen, watching their mother and Dana.

Dana moved quickly. She broke contact with Theresa despite the fact that Theresa was trying to hold onto Dana for dear life, to hold her and comfort her. Dana hopped off the bed and pulled her shirt off the floor and over her head. She then looked at the girls again and felt such shame and guilt. She turned her back to Theresa and the girls and pulled her jeans on and then her shoes and then, despite Theresa's pleas, Dana practically ran from the room, brushing past the girls.

Theresa slumped onto the bed and pulled the covers up over her breasts. The girls slowly came to the bed, surrounding her. Theresa laid her head on Rebbecca's shoulder and wept.

Dana had left her socks, panties and purse and disappeared into the pre-dawn darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~

Love Heals All Wounds

The following morning Theresa didn't really want to but she held a family meeting with her daughters to talk about what they saw, how they felt about their mother sleeping with another woman.

There was an awkward silence and then Lisa, the youngest piped up: "Mom, you taught us it doesn't matter about a person's sexuality. I think Dana is neat. If Dana keeps you from feeling lonely because Daddy's gone, well, I don't know what's wrong with that."

Becca and Ali seconded Lisa's rather profound opinion. Theresa felt like crying, she was very happy but now she had to find Dana and find out her side.

Theresa called the police department; Dana was not on duty for the next three days. No. They couldn't get her a message. It was a nerve racking three days for Theresa and family. Theresa thought Dana would call but she didn't.

Mid afternoon on the fourth day Theresa and the girls showed up at the Antioch Patrol Division and asked for Patrolman Clark. The desk sergeant eyed the group and inquired what their business was with Patrolman Clark. Theresa was all ice, "Simply tell her that her mother and sisters are here, please."

"Mother and sisters?"

"That's right, sergeant. Is that a problem?" Theresa said with all the disdain that an a Colonel's wife and retired Navy Commander could muster.

"No. No, ma'am. Sorry." The desk sergeant picked up the phone and dialed a number. After several seconds Dana had picked up. "Uh, Clark, your mother and three sisters are up at the desk wanting to see you."

There was a long silence. The desk sergeant looked nervously at Theresa. Dana replied. The desk sergeant looked relieved. "Uh, ma'am, she'll be right up. If you'll just have a seat, please."

"Thank you sergeant."

Several minutes later Dana looked out the bulletproof glass separating the sergeant's desk from the waiting area. Her stomach was rolling - as it had been for the last three days. If she weren't having involuntary flashbacks of the incident in Iraq she was obsessing about the scene in Theresa's bedroom. She took a deep breath and opened the door into the waiting area.

"Mom?" Dana asked, hesitantly.

Theresa and the girls were out of their seats and hugging Dana. Theresa placed a motherly kiss on Dana's cheek. Dana was blown away.

"Dana, your sisters and I missed you terribly. You don't call anymore."

Dana allowed herself a small laugh, despite the fact that her eyes were brimming with tears. She looked at Theresa, questioning in her eyes.

"Becca, why don't you and the girls go wait in the car and let me talk to Dana alone?"

"Sure mom," Becca said as the two younger girls hugged Dana tightly again and said, "We miss you Dana, please come home."

When the younger sisters broke their hug Becca looked Dana in the eyes, "That goes double for me. Who's going to prep me for the Academy?"

Dana looked puzzled but before she asked the girls were heading toward the door.

"Academy?" Dana asked Theresa.

"Um, she just got notice that she has an appointment to the Naval Academy. She's following in her dad's steps in the Marines and not mine in the Navy. So she's plenty smart but she needs someone to prep her on firearms and combat craft. And with the Colonel gone..." Theresa lowered her voice and immediately changed the subject.

"It was my first year of psych residency and this third year resident was very determined to bed me so I thought, what the hell. Well, apparently I wasn't that good or something because the bastard never called me back and stopped trying to get in my pants. That was a very long time ago. Then I met the Colonel in my fourth year of residency and he talked me into joining the Navy and then he talked me into bed and then he talked me into marrying him and seven months later Becca came into the world." Dana looked stunned, she did not miss the mathematics.

"So, Gunny, was I really that bad of a lay for a lesbian?"

Dana was blushing bright red. She laughed nervously and looked away. "Uh, no, you were great! Really!"

"Then why didn't you stay for breakfast and maybe take me back to bed?"

"Well, uh, Theresa, I had that, uh, you know...Jesus, Theresa, I am so fucked up. You don't want to get involved with me. I'd be a big disappointment, believe me."

"Gunnery Sergeant," Theresa quietly commanded, "my eyes, now!"

Dana followed her military conditioning and looked Theresa in the eyes.

"So who isn't fucked up? You know for a Marine you're having one hell of a pity party. And don't you think I should be the one who decides whether I want to get involved with you and whether or not you're going to be a big disappointment?"

"Well...I, uh, it's just the nightmares. It's what I did. I can't get over it. And God, what your girls must think: me wrestling with you in your bed."

"What do you think they think?"

"That I'm some sort of whacked out lesbian whore."

"And you think they think that after the way they greeted you today? You think my children were putting on some sort of an act when they hugged you and said they missed you?"

"Well..."

"Listen, Dana, there's two ways we can do this. One, I can start seeing you as a patient for your nightmares and your low self esteem issues. Of course, that means we can't be lovers and I'll be masturbating thinking of you all the time, which will really piss me off. Or two, I can refer you to one of my colleagues. I work with both a man and a woman, both retired military and very good with post traumatic stress and then we can try being lovers and see how it works out."

"What about a third option where we just part company?"

"You can look me in the eyes and tell me that you honestly wouldn't want to be with me and my family as a member of the family? If you can, then, well, I'm sorry. I'll miss you terribly. But if you're lying just to get out from facing your problems then I'm going to tell your command that in my professional opinion you're unbalanced and in need of psychiatric treatment. I wasn't married to Bad Ass Bob Johnson for almost a quarter century without learning how to be a little bit of a bastard."

Dana's eyes brimmed with tears. She hissed, gulping back the tears, "You know I'm lonely and that I enjoyed our time together. But I..."

Theresa cut her off, "Dana, honey, if my husband didn't feel you were 1000 percent worthy of salvaging, he wouldn't have done a damn thing for you. Not that I don't have my own instincts about people but if Bobbie thought you were worth his time then you must be a very special person.

"So look. Dinner's at 7:30 sharp. I'm in the mood for steaks again. You be there if you want my company. If you don't show for dinner, when I get into my office tomorrow morning, I'd better see your name on someone's appointment calendar, I'll be paying the station another visit and have you relieved of patrol duty. And if you don't think I can do it, remember I am Bob Johnson's widow. We know our way around the system otherwise you'd probably be a homeless vet with a psych discharge. So, fair enough, Gunny?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Theresa gave Dana another motherly kiss on the cheek and left. "See you at dinner?"

Dana didn't say anything, which worried Theresa but she wasn't going to press her into the corner that she'd boxed her into.

The table was set for five places. Five steaks were in the broiler. Theresa and the girls were nervous but no one said anything.

The doorbell rang. Theresa and Becca both looked at their watches, Ali and Lisa looked at the clock on the wall. It was 7:30.

When Theresa opened the door Dana was blushing furiously, tears starting to fill her eyes. Haltingly, with a nervous smile, "I hear you fixed steak tonight Terry."

Theresa reached for Dana and Dana came into her arms. There was a flood of tears. Dana felt like maybe she had found a home and an end to loneliness and the worthless she was feeling over the incident in Iraq.

Theresa felt like the hole left by her husband's death, the loneliness and the skin hunger she was feeling quite acutely was over - at least for a while. Since they couldn't marry (neither woman was big on going to the east coast to one of the states that allowed gay marriage) Theresa felt fulfilled with having a friend "with benefits," recognizing that someday she or Dana might feel the need to live apart.

Eventually they talked with each other and were content to live day to day with each other.

~~~~~~~~~~

A Year Later

Dana moved in to Theresa's house six weeks after her second steak dinner. She spent the summer drilling Becca for the Naval Academy. Becca proclaimed she was going to be the first female line officer in the Corps.

A producer for the PBS program In the Life heard about Dana and Theresa and wanted to do a segment on a straight older woman "coming out" and a younger lesbian living together. They both agreed to sit down in their living room and be interviewed.

The producer was disappointed with the interview. She was looking for political activism. She wanted to know how their activism had progressed, what they were speaking out against, what they were advocating for. She was looking for Theresa and Dana to talk in the coldly passionate language of the life - and they didn't. No activism. No speaking out against and no advocacy.

The producer felt her stomach sink when neither Theresa nor Dana would speak out against the bald faced aggression against the people of Iraq. She felt worse when Dana beat Theresa to the announcement that Becca was doing great in her first year at the Naval Academy.

The producer knew the interview was virtually doomed when she asked the beautiful, smiling Theresa to tell the viewers about her long struggle to come out. Theresa and Dana both laughed. The producer perked her ears up; maybe she'd hit on a topic that would add some life to the interview.