All Comments on 'The Aquarium'

I enjoyed reading your story.

Thank you.

it was going great til the last few lines. he was doing everything to be not like every other guy she knows and she turns into cheerslut. i think she should have waited til the 3rd date that would have been after her asking him out for a 2nd date.

It got confusing in the middle, the aquarium reveal is what I am referring too. The ending was totally wrong for your characters. But that is so typical of writers on lit.

Don't see this as a romance, more of a non erotic story. Pity she became a cheer slut as one commenter wrote.

You changed his persona to fit the end and hurried the ending. Honestly for this to be a romance, it needed a lot more.

**

Your premise was good for the story, and I liked your descriptiveness, but your grammar and sentence structures need reviewing by a second pair of eyeballs.

Keep going...A decent early effort ovrrall.

PLEASE proofread your work Sean!! You set up a perfect ending for Harold to subtly and quietly take control of this "panther" but then messed it up (in my opinion) with her horny and uncharacteristic move. He could have said "No!" and had HER begging....

the aquarium or the smells, TK U MLJ LV NV

you can and should edit your own work, even if you don't have an editor. for example, you've included the following as a full paragraph:

"It was a quick enough drive with Velvet spending which was good because Harold was apparently."

i really don't know what you are trying to say there -- that's not even a sentence, much less a paragraph.

WTF was that? 1*

Writen by a wanker

I enjoyed your story. Nerd makes out with an untouchable girl. Good stuff with the little guy more than holding his own and being a winner in the end.

You need to reread your story out loud to yourself a few times which will help you catch the few editing errors you made. While editing is not you forte, your creativity and story telling certainly is. I am looking forward to your next story. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Fucking Rubbish by a wanker