The Balancing Game Ch. 02

She wasn't not turned on, but he wanted her to calm down, so she did. She kept her self-control. Now he wants her to let go because his isn't good at self-control. It's hard for her to just switch like that! Especially when her self-control is what keeps them on-task!

This might be different if he was more controlling, Rachael found herself thinking. If he pinned me down, I'd be out of breath in seconds. If it wasn't my self-control making sure we were good, I'd just let myself go to whatever he wanted.

But that wasn't how it was.

They made out for a bit before Rachael had to pull away. "I'm sorry, babe. You told me to simmer down earlier, and I did. I'm finding it hard to re-awaken the wildcat."

Carson looked up. "Oh, okay babe." Rachael felt bad, but she didn't know what else to do.

"Can I give you that massage though?" Rachael looked at him hopefully. She was rewarded with one of his smiles.

"Yeah, babe. That'd be great."

Rachael took her time massaging the knots out of his shoulders. More than once he asked her if she wanted to stop, but she refused. She wanted to give him a massage that would help his shoulder. She couldn't quit after such a short time! Each time he thanked her and let her continue.

Rachael was massaging his back by straddling him, but as she continued, she became more turned on. As her hands worked, her hips ground into his ass/back, creating friction. But she really wanted to be good for him. She had asked him to stop earlier, so she should respect that too.

After the massage, they turned on The 100 – a show they both enjoyed. Carson was a few episodes behind Rachael, so they started where he was. Only, he seemed more interested in kissing her now, which was fine by Rachael!

He was starting to get frisky when a main plot point came on the screen and he stopped immediately to see what happened.

"Okay," he said, "Choosing this show may have been a bad idea because I really want to watch it."

Rachael sighed on the inside, but gave a reassuring smile on the outside. "That's okay baby. We can cuddle." Rachael laid her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. She wasn't interested in the show right now, just him.

But she found after a while, she was growing a little restless. Her wildcat side had woken up and she couldn't get it to shut off. She crawled up to his ear and whispered to him. "Hey baby, I know you're into the show, but I'm really turned on. Do you care if I play with myself?"

Carson snapped his attention back to Rachael immediately to give her a kiss. "I don't mind at all babe. Do you want to rub my cock while you play with yourself?"

Rachael moved to try and be in a less awkward position, still laying face down. She wasn't sure if she would be able to come, but she had a strong desire to. She didn't care about it as much herself, but he was feeling bad and one thing she knew he wanted was to see her come. Maybe that will help?

She pushed her hand past her waistband and started an assault on her clit. It felt amazing and she could hear herself making noises. She moved her hand up to his cock. He only had boxers on today, so she was very aware of making sure the flap was closed. She wanted the next step to be on her terms, not by some accident. Especially not tonight, when everything felt a bit off.

She started stroking his cock while she rubbed her clit. She felt a shift come from Carson and saw that he had taken the upper part of his cock out of his boxers so he could rub it too. She watched him, wanting to just move past her anxiety, but also afraid that she'd feel bad about it tomorrow.

She was turned on, but also a bit nervous. He didn't seem to have the self-control today that he normally had, not that it was much to begin with. She shifted her hand and squeezed his balls occasionally, still rubbing her clit with her other finger.

After a bit, her hand started cramping from it being underneath her. She removed her had from him and shifted so her stomach was facing up. She kept the attack on her clit, but noticed that Carson stopped playing with himself.

"You alright baby? You stopped playing with yourself."

"Yeah," he said. "Just tired." Rachael wasn't sure that was it. She had two thoughts. One, that the show distracted him. Two, that he wouldn't let himself come if she couldn't.

Upon that second thought Rachael tried hard to come, but it was no longer about desire, so her anxiety took hold. Carson noticed her struggling. "Hey, babe. Don't worry if you can't come. It's okay." Rachael tried a few more times before giving up. She felt terrible.

She tried getting him into it. Maybe he could rev her up again? "Hey, babe. Do you want to taste me?" Rachael brought her fingers up to his mouth, but he took them haphazardly, watching the TV instead.

Rachael sighed inwardly and curled up next to him until it was time for her to go. Was today just a fluke? This was the worst she felt while still being with him.

When it was time to leave, Rachael felt miserable, but she tried to hide it from Carson. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, aren't I supposed to meet your roommates?"

Rachael chuckled. "Yeah. June's been getting on me about that because I've seen you so much and she has no idea who you are."

Carson smiled. "I'll stop by after work. See you later."

"Goodnight, baby." Rachael got into her car and Carson gave her a small kiss before she left. It wasn't his normal kiss goodbye, but he was just tired, right?

Rachael worried about this all night. She hardly slept. And her anxiety was amped up all the way. She didn't even know if she should be concerned!

My anti-anxiety medicine was just changed it's not working properly, Rachael repeated to herself a few times. But by morning she was sick to her stomach and couldn't eat anything. She needed to talk to him. She needed to know if they were okay.

And Carson knew she had anxiety problems. He also knew she had problems thinking people were going to leave her. That should help, right?

Carson was at work, but they hadn't been busy lately and she knew he would text her back when he got a chance. She just needed to be able to eat.

Rachael: Hey babe, can I be honest about something?

Carson: Sure baby. :)

R: Baby, truth is my anxiety has been acting up about our relationship. And it's got nothing to do with you, but good things just don't happen to me. I'm not used to it and I'm constantly paranoid that something isn't right. I'm afraid of losing you.

R: I really wanted to wait until you were off work, but it's making me sick to my stomach to not talk it through with you and I know that you wanted to know if it became a problem.

R: So, I want to ask you, you want to see if this can turn into a long-term relationship, right? Because I don't blame you if you found out you don't want this, but I want to hear a yes or no before we go any further.

A half an hour passed before Rachael sent another text.

R: Please respond honestly, babe. You don't have to make a super long text or anything. I just need to know this.

Rachael waited. She thought they were okay. She was pretty sure it was just her anxiety. He would tell her.

Carson replied an hour later.

C: Hey, I read your texts and I think at this point we are looking for different things. I wasn't looking for something this serious and I think you deserve better than I can give you at this point.

C: I don't think I should stop by tonight. You're an amazing girl and deserve a whole lot more than I am willing to give. I'm so sorry things had to end this way. Goodbye.

Rachael was crestfallen. He wasn't perfect, but who was? She still wanted to see him! She couldn't believe she fucked up her first relationship in under a week!

R: Okay babe. Can I ask what you were looking for?

C: I don't really know. This just doesn't feel right.

R: I didn't mean to scare you off babe :/ When I said long-term I didn't say it as if I knew that's where we'd end up. I just wanted to know if you were open to it in the future. It's trial and error until then, baby.

Rachael felt nauseous again. Why do I have to screw everything up? she screamed inside her head.

R: I'm sorry. I should have waited to talk to you face-to-face.

After no response, Rachael tried one more time.

R: Carson, I'm new to all of this relationship stuff. I'm not sure if any of this is coming out right at all. I want a relationship. You told me yesterday that you wanted one too...

C: It's not because this is over text. Everything is moving way too fast for me. Everything is a first for you and it feels wrong of me to take it from you when I know you feel so strongly.

Rachael frowned. Why didn't he tell her something was wrong?

C: I just don't feel the same way and it makes me feel terrible. I can't be in a relationship like that.

R: We can slow down baby! I told you to tell me if you needed to...

C: I just wasn't ready for this.

Rachael sighed. No tears fell, but she felt terrible. She didn't know what to type next, but she found some words.

R: Okay. I accept that. I won't wait for you to be ready, but if you find yourself ready you can text me. If I'm not dating, we can try again. I do like you, but I accept your decision.

Rachael put her phone down and started deep breathing. Everyone fucking leaves! I think I have a good thing and it ends! Nothing stays good for long! Rachael was screaming at herself inside her head.

She wasn't in love with Carson, but she just lost a connection. Someone she felt very connected to outside of the bedroom. Someone who got her abandonment problems. Someone who was patient with her anxiety. Until I had a fucking panic attack, she thought.

Rachael texted SJ and June to let them know. They were both at work. She texted SJ first.

Rachael: Hey. Carson and I broke up. Can I call you after work? I want to talk to you before June, but I know she'll get home first.

SJ: I'm sorry Rach. Yeah – I'll call you when I'm off.

R: Cool. I'll probably stay in my room until then. I don't want to deal with June.

SJ: Sounds fair.

Rachael sighed. I better text June too.

Rachael: Hey. Carson and I broke up. I'll talk to you about it later.

June: I'm sorry Rach. I'll be home in a bit to talk.

Rachael: No offense June, but I'm going to talk to SJ first. I'll talk to you sometime later though.

Rachael felt like she was being a bit cold, but she felt she had a right to be. Her week went from amazing to shit in under 5 days.

When SJ called, Rachael mainly talked about his disinterest and her anxiety and how the breakup happened. She talked about how she thought her wording fucked up the relationship. SJ consoled her and made her feel better, saying, "Even if the wording was a mistake, he's not the only guy. There will be others. Find someone who's right for you and ready to be with you."

SJ normally didn't have a way with words, but Rachael felt a lot better after their conversation. Rachael went out to go talk to June, but she was gone. Apparently during her talk with SJ she went to be with her boyfriend.

Great, Rachael thought, I've pissed her off and now I can't talk to her until tomorrow. Rachael sighed. Why? Just, why is life like this? Rachael felt she was being a bit dramatic, but she didn't care right now. She just wanted to make everything right with everyone.

**********

The next evening, Rachael waited on June to get home for work. They did their obligatory hellos, then there was silence.

"Hey," Rachael began, "You know why I wanted to talk to SJ first, right?"

"Well I'm assuming it's because you went too far," June replied coolly.

Rachael's temper went from 0 to 100. "Really, June? It's because she had the most recent breakup! Not to mention, you've been with the same guy for 7 fucking years! Dating and breakups change outside of high school!" Rachael was fuming, but June backed off.

Rachael was still mad at June, but let her attempt to diffuse the situation. She tried to get things back to normal, but she knew neither one of them was happy right now. It hurt her that she fucked things up like this.

Did I fuck this up, or did shit just happen to me? Rachael was unsure.

She was still working on this balancing game. She wanted some control in her professional life, little to no control when it came to a lover, and maybe some control in the rest of her personal life. But was this possible? Could Rachael have it all?

Her anxiety made it harder. People's expectations made it harder. Her desire to keep everyone happy also made it harder. She had no idea how to play this balancing game, yet here she was. Shoved in the middle.

Could she do it?

And where should she go next?