All Comments on 'The Bonding Chronicles Ch. 19'

It really brightened my day seeing that you posted another instalment and it did not disappoint amazing as usual

There are a few spots where I think an editor is needed but I love the story.

Been a long wait but for once I am not sure it was worth it. Too many vignettes of too many different story lines which didn’t advance in any meaningful way. The school stuff did seem pretty lame compared to what our protagonists have had to deal with in the previous chapters. They have grown past that now and it should fade.

This is a great story, one of the very best on the site, but I think this chapter needed a rethink and a better focus.

Re: Disappointed

This chapter was exactly what I wanted it to be, and while I appreciate your point of view, it's important to understand where the characters are in their lives. They are teens who have stumbled into a world of magic that they barely understand. Further, they just made it through an experience that showed them exactly how outmatched they are in the magical world.

Exploring how that realization impacts their view of every day life is important, and helps explain not just where they came from, but where they are going.

If you're expecting each chapter to be an escalation of stakes from the last, you will be disappointed. Events all lead one from the other, but in cases like this there are less overt impacts that the characters will need to face and address. Namely, how to find meaning in an environment that clearly has no stakes for them; school.

Each vignette moved all of those side stories forward, each one getting closer and closer to intersection with Andrew and his family. It may not be overt, but it's all there. Acheron's was particularly insightful, if you take the time to consider the implications of not just what he is doing, but some of the more subtle aspects of what they say.

Tani'm is taking steps to move past her trauma, which is vital for her progress towards where we all know she is heading.

The only thing I would have changed would have been the flow of Andrew discovering his new abilities... That was the one aspect of this chapter that felt a bit odd to me, but each time I read it the subtlety of how it built felt right. Each scene builds on the last scene's discoveries, but there is just something about how its described that seems off to me.

If I was a profession author with a dedicated editor who I could work with on it for days I'm sure I could get it right, but none of those things are true. In the end, I decided to move forward so that I could continue the story instead of consuming more of the limited time that I had on it. The important parts that needed to be expressed were all there, and still came together well IMO.

The next chapter will deal more with their lives outside of the magical world, and them continuing to build their lives. Time is going to start moving forward a bit more quickly, with a few days passing between this chapter and the next.

I'm glad you found things to like, and hope you continue to take enjoyment from my story, but without concrete examples of where you felt things were wrong, It's difficult for me to know fully whether I agree. Hopefully my above description gave context to why I wrote this chapter how I did, and may shed some light on things.

It has been along wait for the newest chapter, but I think this has been a good one. Though I think there is room for improvement, what in life doesn't have room for that?

I think a chapter like this is necessary once ever so often. A good story is doesn't always focus on the main characters, but also the supporting ones. It is hard enough to make a story about the main, but harder still if there is little support.

I do agree that this chapter did seem to have many different views, but they are key toward where you are trying to go. One way I think you can improve this is how your story transitions to these. It might take a little more effort but you could find a way of blending them in the story. Often jumping from one point to a totally different one can make some readers get lost.

Although I can not say what your direction is or your intents with your charter developments, it looks to me as if you are focused on the "bad guys". Again I understand there has to be a protagonist in the story, but from a perspective it also comes out as if nearly every aspect of the magical world is out to get them or avoid them with a few on the fence about which way to go. it seems one sided, at least to me. The few that can be considered a possible ally in what seems to be an upcoming battle/war are not even in the magical world and most don't seem to have a clue about it. Even Tani'm seems a out of the ranks for the moment. The wolf is suppose to be gone. she severed the connection to the three. Her back story here seemed out of place. (a note about the top bad guy: seems more effort was placed on the dire would character than this guy. Where is story background for him? He is referenced to but it is vague. I'm getting HP series flashbacks)

I noticed that despite the powers being new Andrew's development of them was quick an painless. aside from a few minor problems. New to powers and new to the magic/supernatural world I would have expected something more. Now he is developing similar gifts as his mates? not bad idea but it also takes away from the techno mage aspect. I will admit that I was slightly disappointed with the reveal of the art project, with the work up I thought it would be more than a dazzling display of blinking lights to which it seemed had to be seen to be something more. It also seemed like Andrew just abandoned it on the table, leaving the locker empty. Perhaps it will make a comeback in a future chapter, his gift preparing him for what may come.

I do like that you have finally brought the parents back in. Thought the finding of the site of the wolf battle and the one piece of a frag grenade that can lead them to the one person that had access was a stretch. Perhaps I missed something, like they did with the wolf's tail. With the supernatural abilities allotted those there how was it they missed such a thing? Yet a normal finds it? Perhaps there is more to come. Maybe there is more to Andrew's parents than being great at the military specialties.

As to the one comment that made the editor comment. I think people need to realize that these kind of stories are not for everyone. Finding someone to read a work is one thing, finding someone that isn't judgmental is another. It is a FREE publication site. The best word processing software out can't catch everything. Most that have published to these kind of sites are not professionals and it wouldn't pay for them to pay someone to do editing.

a bit long winded but it is just my two cents. Remember criticism be it good, bad or indifferent it is a tool. Don't let it have a negative affect. Take it and make it work for you.

Thank you for the detailed feedback. I can see much of what you are saying.

With all of the moving pieces, it's difficult to continue to give context to each group. Since the beginning, I've been trying to give glimpses into the other groups, trying to guess at what should be exposed and when, with a vague idea about when each thing would matter.

Acheron has always been a veiled menace, his presence felt more in the greater world and through the vignettes with The Council and a lesser extent the Celestials. His abilities and motives are still vague and unknown, and for good reason. There have been some subtle hints dropped in the past, but nothing major.

He will be developed more a few chapters from now, which will be focused entirely on establishing a new primary character for the story. Through her you will get a better idea about what happened in the past that caused Acheron to be feared as much as he is.

The bond that Andrew and the girls share has always shared aspects of their personalities with each other. That was subtle at first, but then became more obvious as time went on until the characters themselves realized it. With everything that Andrew did to Sara, they noticed that some of her gifts were transferring to Andrew (heightened hearing and sight).

Through this chapter, they have realized that Andrew is gaining the passive powers that the girls possess, and in part 1 of the next chapter there are hints at even more. Andrew's focus is on honing and developing his own abilities, which are coming more and more to the surface every day.

I knew that his project would be underwhelming to many, but it needed to by necessity. It's important to keep in mind that he is still a teen hobbyist who built that machine in effectively five-ish hours. That simple design is a foundation that helped him to learn to trust his gift. While he wants to explore more complex projects, he is still working on finding his limits.

There are more natural powers he can sense pulling him forward, and right now his focus is on finding those and mastering them. Like the designs he started for Tani'm's armor, he is thinking of things he can do for the future, but for school he is making sure to keep things as simple as he can, while still testing his abilities.

Anyways, I'm sure I could ramble on for days about why I write about the things I do, or why certain things end up the way they do. If Andrew ever reaches the point where he no longer cares about being discovered, you will see him do some pretty impressive things.

I'm not sure how much thought people have put into what he is capable of already, but in our modern world he is nearly unstoppable -- a fact he is starting to realize.

Cheers, PP

I meant to include this in my initial response to your post, but since I forgot I will add it separately. I consulted with a few people about the military portion of the last chapter, and learned that all modern grenades are designed to fragment in predictable ways, almost guaranteeing that serial numbers can be retrieved from some of the pieces.

While these numbers are not unique, they are unique to each batch, and will indicate where they were distributed. Through that, they would have been able track it back to the bass where Andrew's father was last deployed.

Further, that is a great point about the leap they took to from a grenade fragment to assuming it was one from Dave/Michelles personal stash. My only justification is that in a small town, most people would have used dynamite or even some other form of commercial explosives. While it is not hard to get a grenade shell, it is very difficult to create a explosive core that will work. Much easier to just use any of the existing types of explosives that farm and commercial workers would have more easy access to.

---- looks around, asks himself: "Do you think they bought it?"

This is a GREAT story, with believable characters, and with solid character development and pacing. I am glad that you indicate that a bit more time will pass - I think that the characters need some time to settle into themselves and let the events that have occurred be internalized. Thanks for fun read.

i'm rapt your continuing your wonderful story. felt like ages . i can't wait to read more- its has really engaged me. thanks for posting this ,can't wait for more . best wishes from me.

So please take the following in the spirit it is intended.

Your writing is way, way , wayyy too detailed. It could use a big dose of K.I.S.S. Every little action is drowning in unnecessary filler. The place where it shows up the most is the emotions of your characters.

They all come off as bipolar headcases, swinging from high to low and back again constantly. Every other sentence is seemingly telling me how this or that character is joyful, elated, melancholy, pensive, happy, sad, mirthful, etc. The emotions would have much more impact if they were coming from people who were generally even keeled, which is seemingly never the case here.

The practical example is what I call "Giggling Idiot Syndrome." It shows up in a lot of amateur stories where characters are constantly laughing at things that aren't funny. It always ruins my ability to suspend disbelief.

You have a good sense of humor. When Sara suggests getting some tinfoil so Andrew can make himself a hat, that was very funny and it makes sense that they would laugh about it. Laughing in response to a joke- of course. But why laugh because you correctly guessed the winner of a gameshow? I could see two high school kids debating who would win a fight between a lion and a bear. But why would they spontaneously break into laughter several times for no apparent reason? And I couldn't count the number times your characters laugh, chuckle, giggle, at things they are silently thinking to themselves.

...

I realized that this was sounding pretty harsh, so I did a little study. I picked a chapter at random (CH. 11) and skimmed it. In 8 pages, somebody laughed, chuckled, or giggled 55 times...

Hello kublicon,

Thank you for the genuine and honest feedback. It's something I've noticed as well, but struggle not to include. Everything I write ends up having a flowery and ornate sensibility, which is fine in itself because it has turned my voice into what it is.

But, I agree it's a problem when it comes to the characters expressiveness. There are certain actions that the characters take all the time, and it's always my attempt to want to give a visual clue to the underlying emotions that they feel.

Honestly, this is feedback I got back around chapter 3, and you can see just how well I've done at curbing it since then. *grin*

My writing has improved in so many ways since those early days, but if anything that habit has dug itself a trench and set up camp deep within my style. I'll keep trying to root it out, but I make no promises as to how successful I will be.

Thanks!

PP

Can't wait for the next episode.Keep it going.

As for giggling think teens they

do it all the time also it is very important for you to stay in touch with your characters after all this is your story

Paps

Personally, I actually really appreciate this writing style and think it lends itself to the story well. My thinking behind this is that you have a bunch of magic users, growing and feeding off each other and their surroundings, generating highs and lows continually. Their emotions and feelings are going to be the centre of focus, especially being part of a love triangle that is powered by sex magic involving two teenagers! You've got intrigue, sex, relationship, magic and whatever hormones are spewing out all over the place so describing what people are feeling should be a main focus, it's the characters motivation.

Their magic using, sexed up little trio also reminds me of a small group of addicts. Be it alcohol, drugs or whatever, they are drawn to each other and the root of their addiction but their has always got to be a comedown. I'm just a little worried what that might be.

Some parts are a little over detailed but otherwise a great story. I am very curious as to how you are going to tie up all of the loose ends in the two remaining chapters.

Andrew's father finding evidence of the battle was interesting, but ... Andrew wouldn't have left entrails and the tail behind when he cleared out the battle ground. Sort of a loophole you seem to have messed with, I'm afraid.