All Comments on 'The Bridge Club Ch. 13'

You made Christina pretty much unlikable. Other than that, I have to say that you made a very fun story to read. Keep up the good work.

I have liked to follow it. But bets like that does not become Norm good either. Better than Massimo though.

Excellent... please do go on!

You write well, and have plotted carefully. I feel a little too carefully. You get everyone rooting for Norm. Realistically would everyone want to put themselves on the line to help Norm collect the bet from Massimo? Would there not be at least one person with a "You may not be as big an asshole as Massimo, but you still made a bet seriously disrespectful of me / my friends. I've forgiven you for that, but I'm not interested in actively helping you collect" attitude?

You have done it well, but you have written a black and white ending of which Disney would be proud. Having set out the dilemmas so well in earlier chapters it think it would have been a better story if some of the shades of grey were not whitewashed away at the end.

Having said that, a five-star effort. Thank you. I'll definitely check-out your next submission.

This was a pretty darned good story. No completely unbelievable bullshit, no 44DD boobs or 9-inch dicks, just a good relationship story with just the right amount of sex in it. I guess that's what makes the best erotic fiction. You need to keep up the good work.

Great story and characters!

very good story

Thank you for a great story.

I hope you will continue writing on this site.

Excellent plotting. Very interesting and enjoyable. The epilogue is a little hard to believe, but it fits in with the story very well. Thanks for the effort. Please keep up the good work. A lot of authors do not. cowboy100

Excellent story and writing. I hoped there would be a chapter this morning, but not the last one, ahh well can't have everything. I do think the last few paragraphs were a bit over the top, but giving Massimo a beat down in front of everyone was good and he certainly deserved it.

I'll have to agree with wildbill though, Christina wasn't my favorite character. I found myself hoping that he'd give up on her and find someone more sympathetic.

Good save at the end with her.

I thought the finale was a bit much, but that's me.

Thanks for writing and sharing it with us.

ttom

regalement - thanks! So refreshing to have the a-hole get his comeuppance!!

Please keep sharing.

I did "like" Beth much more than Christina. A very well written romantic story overall

There are two problems with how the story was written. First, it was over-written. This chapter is supposed to be the conclusion, the big finish. Dramatically, the big 'reveal' with Christina falls flat. Why? Because the reader has learned absolutely nothing about Norm's motivations or actions. It might have been new to Christina (some of it, at any rate). Trouble is, even she acts in the same way that she's acted in the previous chapters. Specifically, she ups and walks away without a word. I assume this is the author's way of dragging out the uncertainty, the tension regarding how the story would end. Trouble is, thee was no tension.

The entire 'reveal' is a perfect example of over-writing. All, Norm's hesitations and pauses etc were not keeping me on the edge of my seat, wondering with bated breath what would come next. I was more inclined to skim over paragraphs to get to the point. Two simple ways to make that scene more economical. First, simply state at the start of the interaction that Norm was hesitant, Christina was insistent and (in Norm's words) he says something like "I finally relented and slowly admitted everything". Then get closure at the end of the scene, rather than having Christina leave. That only prolongs the impression of her character of being a bitch .. even when you've provided a backstory explanation as to why she has acted the way she did.

The second issue with the story (not with the writing as such) is the confusion regarding the status of someone like Massimo. What is the reader to think of him and of the women who have fucked him? The author sends out conflicting messages and this doesn't help the story at all. Massimo is supposed to be the asshole. That much is said in the first paragraph of Ch 1. He's the villain of the story. Norm is the hero.

But in this chapter this is what Norm says: "He's big, good-looking, in a way, and outgoing. Confident, and very direct. Some women like that. So Massimo succeeds regularly with a certain type of woman."

Exactly. That was my impression. Three of the women and Beth and Carmen in particular, fucked him fully aware. Massimo didn't come across a villain, not when they were willing. What's the image of women being projected here? And then we have Christina's sister, always falling for such types. Again, a 'type' of woman who go for what someone like Massimo offers.

Something seems to be on the author's mind and it might have made a good story if it were explored in a more direct manner. But it wasn't, and all of the potential energy in the story disappears. Massimo is only the villain because the author says so. He might be dumb, offering money, but don't dump all the blame on him if a certain type of woman falls for him. Given the women's actions, there's no credibility to why they side with 'nice' Norm to get revenge on Massimo. They act like hypocrites.

If there really is an issue in here that the author is struggling with, then it's certainly worth exploring. It just hasn't happened in this story.

Yours was a story I checked for every day and I'll certainly look forward to your next one. BTW, I liked the dashes denoting a change of speakers. It's far better than some of the dialogue out there where you need a white board to track who's saying what. Thanks.

Thanks to ISKwest for analyzing my work in detail. For those of you who haven't read ISKwest's stories - you should.

I am both flattered and confused by the analysis.

First, I agree wholeheartedly: there are many areas that I can/should improve. In my own defence, I can only state that this is my first story.

But I am surprised (even mystified) by some readers' reactions to the characters.

Many prefer Beth. Hey, I like her, too - but both she and Norm made it clear that they have no long-term potential. Friends, yes - lovers, no.

Some describe Christina as a bitch. OK, it could simply be poor writing on my part. But Norm has made it pretty clear, from Chapter 5, if not sooner, that he is in love with her. To me, she is feisty, independent, and strong-willed. And beautiful.

Some, including ISKwest (read his stories!) wonder about the portrayal of Massimo, or the fact that some of the women slept with him. In my experience - and you may disagree - women sleep with guys I consider assholes. They even marry these assholes. Some are attracted to the 'bad boy' image, some are seduced by good looks or superficial qualities.

Massimo is tall, handsome, and confident. And a complete asshole. He broke the 'bro code' and tried to steal his buddy's girlfriend. Check out his treatment of Abigail, compared to Norm's.

I meant it to be a story, where the nice guy finishes first (and get laid a lot), and the asshole pays in the end. If I missed, blame the poor execution.

I'll try to do better next time.

I'm glad you took my comments in the right spirit. Writing isn't easy. It can be a struggle, especially when you're trying to do something complicated. Sometimes, the better the story, the easier it is to see the untapped potential, and so requiring a much closer look to figure out what worked and what didn't,

I'll try to clarify. I understand the Massimo types. Him, I understand. However, the problem for the story is that he is supposed to be the bad guy and two details of the story undermine this. First, as I said, is Norm's own description in the last chapter. Massimo is simply who he is, and some women fall for that type. Second, that's what the women in your story did, and only one of them suffered after the fact (Abigail).

It's the portrayal of the women that undermine the plot, not Massimo. He might be a jerk, but they went along with it. I might have mentioned in an earlier chapter that your characterizations fit the typical 'burn the bitch' female: the wife in a loving relationship who inexplicably throws it all away for an asshole lover, turns into a whore etc etc.

Massimo just didn't strike me as enough of a bad guy. Both he and Norm were in on the bet. The women really did not have grounds to gang up on him to support Norm. Why not? Because the deeper psychological issue in the story seemed to concern them and the choices they made. It's not Massimo's fault, he's just an asshole. It's their responsibility for falling for him. Their tearful regret (Beth and Carmen back in ch 3 or 4) also fits the typical BTB story.

My own reading is that this is also why Christina comes across as such a bitch in the story. It's precisely because Norm is presented as falling in love with her, even while he is complicit in the bet and fucking the other women anyway. Considering the other women's 'hypocritical' behavior, Christina only comes across as a snobbish type. It has to do with how the contrasts are set up in the story. Her own torture of Norm puts her in a league with Massimo as the villain of the piece. Worse, in fact. Massimo just didn't care about consequences. Christina was deliberate.

I still think there's a psychological undercurrent to your story that you haven't pegged, and to be fair I haven't quite pegged it myself. I think it has to do with how you portrayed the women - or didn't portray them. You have to figure out why some women fall for the Massimo types, rather than make him out to be the unqualified villain. The issue concerns their redemption, not Massimo's punishment.

Thanks for writing and sharing. I enjoyed reading the whole story arc from start to finish.

I will confess I was hoping for something a little more focused in terms of correlation to 'The Cask of Amontillado' since it was set up from the start as the inspiration for our protagonist's grand experiment. Specifically:

- I had hoped that, just like Fortunato, Massimo would be made to revel in his own self-aggrandizement, goaded along by the encouragements of his 'friend', remaining in his happy self-delusion until after the fetters had closed and his demise was truly a fait-accompli.

- I was hoping our protagonist would truly be unflinching in his singular purpose, and like Montresor, would be willing to put forth the image required of the situation without compromise, yet revert to his original nefarious form in the very end.

- As the story progressed and it seemed unlikely we'd get the full Montresor-like treatment, I began to hope for an ironic end in which our hero ends up the unwitting Fortunato-esque victim -- only learning too late that he was trapped beyond redemption for some wrong he never quite knew in his *own* past. And with Christina's behavior in the back half of the story, I was beginning to believe this was exactly where you were going.

- 'The Cask of Amontillado' was 2495 words long. While a similar length would have been counterproductive to your purposes here, I would say something in the three-to-four-times-that-long range would have focused the effort and made the takeaway more powerful -- more for the reader to think about afterwards, and (selfishly for the writer!) more potential for standalone spinoff stories later.

In the end, it seemed as though you just couldn't stop yourself from writing more and more as the story developed and new ideas came to you. Your enthusiasm was apparent throughout the writing, and each installment was well written and enjoyable, but the meanderings went just a little too far astray a few times too often in my opinion. The inexorable, intractable-web-weaving of the later chapters would have had a great payoff if they mattered to the protagonist in the end, either by strengthening his bond with his newly-beloved or by laying down the hammer on his would-be dreams and teaching him a lesson. Instead, the latter half seemed more like good, hot standalone stories that got grafted onto another narrative due to the author's enthusiasm.

I'm guessing that last impression was mostly due to the excitement of crafting your first submission, and it's great! I really enjoyed reading your stuff; keep it up. The whole arc was fun, each encounter was hot, there was good variety, and your style is easy to read. I look forward to reading your next submission, whenever it comes!

Really enjoyed your work. Thank you so much. Hope you will entertain us with another story. I rated all 13 as 5 stars.

I think readers would have liked Christina more had there been more time spent on the reasons for her actions. More specifically, in regards to the way she treated the other women, can't really say "friends" because she wasn't acting friendly towards them.

One thing that I think you have to remember is, in a way the readers are staring at a 2-D image while you the writer, have the 3-D image in your head. You have a better understanding of your characters then we do because they live in your head, while we only see the part that makes it to paper.

I hope this helps you some.

Hope to read more from you in the future.

- I really liked the short,13 chapters. Each was its own little story within the story. Of course I read all 13 in a row in one morning so I didn't have to wait for each like those who were reading them when first posted.

- I am going to assume,for my own sense of closure,that Norm and Christina eventually got married with Carmen,Beth, and Abigail serving as co-maids of honor.

- This is a story that I'm sure I'll continue to think about from time to time.

- Well Done!

Nicely written fucker -Massimo

It's almost 2 AM. Last night i quit at 2:30 and i have to work in the morning again. You sucked my attention away from my obligations mercilessly with this little novel as you did with your other piece.

I should probably try to pout convincingly,

but will say thanks! instead.

I found this story and had to keep reading, verry good.

You're not the first writer to use a dash to indicate a speaker. It's no wonder you learned it in grade school. James Joyce used a similar technique in his, ground breaking in the 1920's, novel Ulysses. He left out the quotation and most of the he/she said too.

~from Ulysses

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

—Introibo ad altare Dei.

Halted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely:

—Come up, Kinch! Come up, you fearful jesuit!

Solemnly he came forward and mounted the round gunrest. He faced about and blessed gravely thrice the tower, the surrounding land and the awaking mountains. Then, catching sight of Stephen Dedalus, he bent towards him and made rapid crosses in the air, gurgling in his throat and shaking his head. Stephen Dedalus, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase and looked coldly at the shaking gurgling face that blessed him, equine in its length, and at the light untonsured hair, grained and hued like pale oak.

Buck Mulligan peeped an instant under the mirror and then covered the bowl smartly.

—Back to barracks! he said sternly.

I enjoyed it from start to finish. Given Norm's later behavior it is hard to believe he made such a stupendusly ridiculous bet and I almost quit the story. However t got over it and continued on reading charging to a deal done in a fit of emotion not appreciating the possible consequences. I am glad I read it to the finish.

Rarely do I read all installments of a series at one sitting. This one was worth it!

Not just because I also inhabit the Great White North, this was an excellent tale well told. I read it right the way through after stumbling over your Wingman tale.I loved the way you inserted enough steamy sex to keep me interested, while weaving quite an absorbing tale of human emotion.

I shall read your other offerings, and shall definitely keep an eye out for future tales. You have quickly become one of my favourite authors. Well done.

Old Fart William

Dam fine rif.....

Sone truth

Some fantasy

Some story

:)

Thank you

You tied up all the loose ends very well.

Great job, thoroughly enjoyed the series, thanks for your fine efforts!

Meh. 3.5*

Liked the whole story. Top notch romance.

Very nice story, especially considering it was your first work here. Not as polished as your later works, as you gained experience, but still excellent.

I still think they should've beaten Massimo with his tennis racquet. Lol.

Am I really the first one to notice that Massimo didn't have to pay him $6000, but $2000? The score was 6-4 for Norm and the deal was that if they both had sex with same girl, no one owes anything; so based on that, Massimo owed him only $1000 for Marina and $1000 for Christina since he had sex with all the rest. I can't believe no one else caught that.

And WOW, you've GROWN as a writer quite a bit! I mean, yeah, you still prefer harem stories with a "nice and kind guy" reaching his happy end (no pun intended) after all the marathon sex he has, but most of your later stories don't have so many shortcomings. This one was, at best, passable. I thought you were at least in your sixties, but this one seems to be written by a teenager. No offense though, you really did improve, A LOT!

Also, maybe you should "say" to your main character to just cut off all those toxic frenemies from his life instead of making them some kind of life nemesis; he would lead a much happier life indeed. And they are all (your main characters) way too old, "kind and honest" for petty revenges.

Bloody entertaining from start to finish. Loved the turns along the way. Each character is so well developed that I feel as if I knew them. Love your stories, they are all round very very well constructed...!

Lessons learned in Grade School are the most important!

Another great story! Though I started reading your Hvad stories first, I'd read most of the others, but somehow missed this one! Glad Massimo finally got his comeuppance!

As for Anonymous's comments about how much the loser had to pay, please re-read the original bet. The loser had to pay the winner $1,000 for each of the women the winner was able to bed, unless they tied. So Massimo ended up owing Norm 6 grand.

Excellent writing as always. A bit too much drama for me regarding Christina. But still enjoyable to read.

I have to be honest, I didn't enjoy this one as much as the others of yours I've read. There's just no way any group of women, particularly ones who are friends, who will put up with any 'bro bet' to sleep with all of them. Regardless of any backstory, prior history, or personal charm.

Wow! Just wow!

This was your first series?! Umm.. what??

I read most of your other pieces like Bit of Magic and Gamers before I read this.

Another great series! Loved the emotional turmoil, the romance, and of course, the healthy doses of sex.

Just a tiny note - would’ve loved to read a bit more about Christina’s arc with Norm. Like there was so much build up, I would’ve personally loved to see the pay off in a bit more detail. If nothing else, then just a great weekend romance, sex, and cuteness. Not that you can do much for this series but some food for thought for future writing.

Cheers!

…and while reading, I had my very own soundtrack of "The Cask of Amontillado" from "Tales of Mistery and Imagination" from The Alan Parsons Project…

so, there is an two side story: technically, as an fantasy story i would like to vote you with 4½ stars. Good storyline, reasonly well description of charakter and easy to read. But technically about the charakter of "Cristina" it is sadly too close of the description of an toxic relationship:

*****

"I need to use the ladies' room. Could you settle our bill? I'd like to go home." When she came back, she continued to avoid eye contact. She also declined to let me drive her home. 'No, I'll take a cab." she said.

And she left me standing there.

and further: "I want the best of everything from you. In every way"

******

...and, here we go: in terms of an relationship - at best, direct to say goodbye. i guess enough readers had an relationship like that, never anything was enough for her, never really appreciate anything and constantly looking for "updating". Leave such an demanding high-maintenance whore, you will never be happy. Love does not demand. Greed and opertunistic self-centered egoistic people always demand. Users demand. Lovers don't.

So for an fantasy erotic story, i would question the decision from the maincharakter, even for letting everyone in his new friend-circle call him an discusting pet-name "Normie" he hates, espessialy compared to "Mass" in terms of dick-sizes.