All Comments on 'The Chauffeur'

Loved it looking forward to more !!!! Keep up the good work!!!

Great story 5/5

illiterate writing. Sorry, but my patience ran out and i finished my quibbles only out of a sense of duty, and because I care, very much care, about this English language.

I need to know more about Sandra, but Magnus is an utter cliche from stem to stern. If you want to find out how to create a Dom that is a living person and not a cardboard dummy, read Grand Master dweaver999's Valerie series, concentrating on Charles Vanquil. And then read it again.

Now for a very extensive and very testy set of quibbles. You need this, even though it may hurt. You obviously want to write. But if you want to write with technical proficiency, you have to put in the effort. As the old song says, "ya know, it don't come easy."

“tightly whiteys guy. She new”: Double quibble, Estragon is in the bonus zone. “Tighty whiteys” and “She knew”.

“form eating”: Should be “from eating”.

“End of part 1”: Why not a series of asterisks, thus *************.

That’s the usual way of indicating a shift in time, space, focus, or character.

“pulled into a ritzy high rise.” Cliché (“ritzy”), and an over-aged one at that, and she could hardly have pulled into it unless she drove through the front door. Try this: “She pulled up to the high-priced high-rise.”

“boring into her scull.” His eyes bored into her scull only if she was a oar. If she was a person, they bored into her skull. Remember the old joke about the Cambridge-Oxford boat race at Henley, when the Oxford team complained that the Cambridge team interfered with their oars. The Cambridge cox’n yelled back, “Oars? Speaking of oars, ‘ow’s yer mother?”

“"May I call you Sandra," he asked?”: He can call her whatever he wants, but the question mark still goes inside the quotation marks, thus: “”"May I call you Sandra?" he asked.”

“"It's a job," she said. Ignoring the impertinence.”: Comma, not period, after “said”. You want a yield sign, not a stop sign, here.

“"You are very observant."”: Again a comma, not a period.

“"Here we are," she said. Hoping he would say OK lets go. But he didn't.”: No, comma, not period after “said”. Let’s is a contraction of “let us”; lets is a verb--as in “she lets us in, knows where we’ve been, in an octopus’ pussy, by the shade”.

“she said. Regretting the snippy tone”: Comma, or you have a sentence fragment. Yield, not stop. Reading your prose is like driving behind Brakelight Billy, the dude who rides the brake pedal; he not only burns out his own brakes but everybody else’s as well.

“That voice made her insides turn to mush.”: I do so hope not, because it’s such a cliché. Try this: “That voice made her tremble, from the inside out and then slowly back again.”

"What do you want from me, she asked?": No, question mark inside quotation marks when speaker is asking a question. Should read

“"What do you want from me?” she asked."

“"Your trust was," his reply.”: Her trust was what? Either write your sentence properly or read your stuff before you hit “submit”. What you meant obviously was ““Your trust,” was his reply.”

“"Only what you want to do was his response."” Maybe it was his response, but it wasn’t written correctly. Should have been “"Only what you want to do,” was his response." If it’s worth writing it’s worth writing right.

“"I'm sure you don't know that I own this limo company and I make the rules," he said. You're safe with me."”: No, open quotations marks before “You’re safe with me.”

“"You're drooling on my suite," he said.”: She drooled on his suite only if she drove him home again and has a really big mouth. She drooled on his suit.

“"Oh! I'm sorry;" she blurted”: No semicolon, use a comma, they’re no more expensive, trust me.

" Where would you like to go," Sandra asked, as she shook herself awake?”: No repeat no. Question mark inside quotation marks, end sentence with a period.

“End of Part 2”. No, use asterisks*******************

“"Anyplace in particular?"” Any place is two words. And why did you end Part 2 at that point? What changed? Had they left Mulholland? Was it later that day, or the next day, or the next year? Had the point of view changed from Sandra to Magnus?

“A pang of adrenalin hit her.”: No, pangs are pains, e.g., pangs of regret, pangs of loneliness, pangs of annoyance at bad writing. Try a “rush of adrenalin” or a “burst of adrenalin” or a “blast of adrenalin.”

“feed's”: no, should be “feeds”, if a plural noun, “feed” if a singular noun. No possessive, no contraction, no apostrophe.

“a pretty demonstration sales person greets you.”: Let’s drop the politically correct bullshit, this is a porn site, nicht wahr? A pretty salesman? A pretty salesgirl?

“”met by a sales person. She””: See previous quibble.

““Actual erotic videos.”: Actual erotic videos?! Mercy sakes alive! Who’s narrating this, Grandma Moses? Cut the “actual”.

“a sign that said, you must be twenty-one to enter here,”: Now put the quotation marks around “you must be twenty-one to enter here”. And was the whole sign in lower case letters? Try all caps here, just like the sign.

“And these.” Quotation marks? Is Mr Magnus, Jack, or whoever speaking? If so, let us know.

Anything here strike your fancy Sandra?": Open quotation marks before the word “Anything".

"What do you think of this one holding it up for her to see?": What is wrong with the punctuation of this sentence? If you don’t know, or worse, if you think it’s perfect English prose, I suggest you take a thorough remedial English course.

draining form her face: Form over substance? No, “draining from her face”.

One wonders why?: Oh please, cut it out, unless you really are Grandma Moses.

the following ten minutes thereafter.: A wee bit tautological, eh what? Whatever is “following” is “thereafter.”

Jack was riveted on the show. So she thought.: Sentence fragment, should read “Jack was riveted on the show, so she thought”.

Jacks hand: Unless there is more than one Jack (a horrendous thought), should read “Jack’s hand”. Possession means apostrophe, plural means no apostrophe. Rinse and repeat.

Exactly what Jack was waiting for?: Did you mean “Exactly what was Jack waiting for?”. Or did you mean “Exactly what Jack was waiting for.” Was she asking or was he telling? Sort it out before you write it.

he bra up: That’s kinky, what is a “he bra”?

her own cunt: Whose else’s cunt was in there besides hers?

she went limp. Her body rolling into his: As you seem to be addicted to participial phrases, kindly join them to the sentence they modify with a comma. Makes reading easier, Brakelight Billy old chap. Like this, laddie: “she went limp, her body rolling into his.” Yield sign, not stop sign, don’tcher know?

His fingers at last sliding into her wetness briefly and testing the sticky wetness. He pulled: Let’s try this again, one mo’ time: “His fingers at last sliding into her briefly and testing the sticky wetness, he pulled his hand back and smelled her on him.” You have “wetness” twice, wasted word. Now there, me bye, that’s what we call a participial phrase joined to, and thereby becoming part of, a declarative sentence. It’s that blessed old English grammar, d’ye ken, like the King James Bible, Shakespeare, Milton, Keats, all those old dead poets.

"Poor girl," he thought. We completely ignored her. : You are incorrigible, aren’t you? Unless the " We completely ignored her” is in quotation marks, it makes no sense.

A mental note was made to leave a big tip for her at the front desk.: By whom? Sandra? Magnus? Why the passive voice? “Magnus decided to give the vendeuse a big tip.” French, y’know--ritzy. And “made a mental note” is a tired, worn-out cliché.

The shows over we have to get going: Only if there was more than one show. If only one show, the contraction “show’s”, short for “show is”, bespeaks a single show is over.

Some wet towels from the sink freshened them both up and out of the booth the desk to pick up their purchases.: The wet towels freshened them out of the booth the desk? How do you spell “gibberish”? Try simple English, it might be a novel experience: “Some wet towels from the sink freshened them both up. Ready to face the vanilla world, they left the booth and went to the desk to pick up their purchases.” How’s that?

"Do you have a license to drive this limo," she asked?: Correct this; I’ve showed you how enough times.

"Fuck no. But I own the limo company, so who cares, he laughed.: See previous quibble.

As you can tell, the writing wearied me. But I wouldn’t have spent this much time correcting this if I didn’t think there was, however dim, distant and far away, a glimmer of hope that this might turn into something readable and enjoyable. You have your work cut out for you--now go and bloody do it!