The Christmas Wish

"What did you see? Did you see me with William, in the room? Oh God, please tell me you didn't see me in there with him. Please tell me!"

I was in despair. If he saw me, I would die. I would be so ashamed that I would slit my wrists. I couldn't live with him seeing me that way. Somehow if he didn't see me, it was better. At least I could live with that.

"No, I don't have video and I'm glad I didn't have to see that. What I know you did was bad enough. To actually see it would be more than I could stand."

"Thank God. Just know that what you imagine is probably much worse than the reality. But that's better. You can believe what you wish, as I know you will. But the truth is much less terrible than you imagine. Please believe that."

"It makes no difference. It's enough to know that you did it. I'll have to live with that pain for a long, long time."

"Then why can't we try to work this out? We can share the pain. I'll take the pain from you and try to make it less. I'll try to make you forget it and we can go forward with our lives. Please, can't we try?"

"No, I can't. You've hurt me more than you realize and to be around you would just remind me every day. I can't stand that pain anymore. I have to get away from you and try to learn to live with it. Please, understand what you've done to me. If you care, let me go."

It was over. She knew it then for the first time. It was really over. She nodded at his words and let him leave. He left instructions for the car and the lawyers on her table and left. She was truly alone now. Only Carol and George remained. Junior and Evelyn, Blair and Peter had stopped visiting once they found out what she did. Carol came every day and George was there in the evenings after work. They were her family now.

She went back home alone. The house was the same but she found all of his clothes gone, his personal items from the bathroom gone, the den empty of his books, his journals, his desk files, all gone. She walked around the house, touching things that he had given her, things they had obtained on trips, mementos of their special occasions, all of the pictures with them together, (none of which he had wanted), all signs of their life together. He had taken himself out of the house and left her with nothing but a shell. Nothing but memories of the love and the life they shared. The silence was overwhelming, enough to crush her with its absence of sounds of love and laughter. She walked from room to room, looking, touching, remembering, until she could remember no more. She went upstairs to the bedroom, looked at the bed they had shared for more than twenty years and lay down.

Days and weeks went by with little impact on her. She went to meetings with the lawyers, talked to Carol about Wishes, listened to plans and simply agreed with anything Carol suggested to her. She never went in any more, just stayed home. When she called Blair, she got her voice mail. She tried Evelyn who listened but didn't say much, and finally asked her not to call again. Parker Jr. wouldn't even speak to her. Her life was composed of sleeping, eating when the need drove her to it, listening to lawyers and Carol and agreeing to whatever was put in front of her. That was her life.

She vaguely wondered one day whatever happened to Bill. While she had no desire to see him or talk to him again, she was mildly curious. Enough so to ask Carol one day when she called. Carol was surprised that she didn't know that Bill's contract had been terminated and he was asked to leave the company. No explanation was given but Bill seemed to understand and resigned. He left the area and no one knew where he had gone. There was a new guy in charge and he was less cooperative than Bill. But, then, things were different now, weren't they.

Parker somehow convinced a judge to expedite the divorce with only a thirty day waiting period and the final divorce papers were delivered one afternoon when Madison was just getting ready for a long nap. She had gotten up late, decided not to bother dressing and was still in her nightgown and robe when the door bell rang. She answered it with little interest to find a young man with an envelope standing there. She took the envelope, and thought about a tip but just closed the door instead. She took the envelope back to the kitchen, debated on whether to go upstairs for her nap or open it. Curiosity was just a little stronger than her apathy so she sat down and opened the envelope.

She read the final decree. Parker had been true to his word. She had the house, the car, a monthly alimony that was more than enough to let her live without working, access to all accounts but with limits, all of the physical possessions in the house. All of the physical things that they built together, but without the love that she and Parker shared for twenty-six years. There was nothing of that in these papers. Of course not! She had thrown that away with her actions, so why would she look for it now? It would be final before New Year's Day.

The divorce papers, making it all so final, did somehow raise Madison from the doldrums she had been living in. It was as if the papers said, 'It's finally over. No more uncertainty and hoping. Get on with it!' And she did. Christmas was past and things were beginning to come alive after the holiday so she went back to Wishes Unlimited, started to throw herself into her work, trying to find some pleasure in helping others. She badgered corporate leaders into giving more and more and the work went on: wishes were granted; kids were given some happiness in their worst times; families were given some joy in their children's happiness; and she became more and more of a force in the community. Her foundation became a symbol of hope to those whose hope had been destroyed or badly shaken, her name became synonymous with possibilities and she was busier that ever in her life.

She celebrated the new year with Carol and George. Her family didn't invite her to their New Year's Eve party but she didn't expect it. Carol and George took her out to a club where they enjoyed a late dinner, some drinks, a lot of loud music and dancing and then a countdown to the New Year. It was 2006 and it was going to be a good year. Or so they said. She was asked to dance by several men there but she declined. Men held no interest for her now. They were not Parker. She did dance with George and enjoyed it. She and Carol got just a little tipsy which was fine since George didn't drink. He was the designated driver and let them have their fun. But even with the drinks, the company, the music and the laughter, Madison ended the evening as she began: alone and lonely.

The new year was little different for her than the year before, except that she didn't have to go through the divorce again. That part of her life was over. She got on with her life. She sold the house: too big for just her. She bought a condo in the city near Wishes and she bought a small sports car. The Lincoln Parker bought her for their twenty-sixth anniversary was too big and she had places to go so she wanted something with a little more zip. She spent little money on clothes since she never went out and she had all the business suits she needed. She certainly had far more money than she needed, thanks to Parker and his generosity. She had it all, a condo, a sports car, money in the bank and a job that was gratifying. She had it all. Then why was she so alone?

There were several wishes that Carol wanted to turn down since they would involve far more resources than they were used to providing, but Madison agreed to take them on. One in particular was a trip for a family of four: the daughter who was thirteen diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor wanted to go to Russia and see the Kremlin and Red Square. She wanted to see one of the parades they showed on TV. It was bizarre and Carol thought it would be dangerous but Madison took it on personally.

It took her three months, time which the little girl couldn't really spare but she got it all set up. When she went to the family and told them, they wanted to forget it but the girl still wanted to go. The doctors said she could do it and it would pose no danger. They expected her to live only a few more months. The parents finally agreed and the trip was put in motion. It was a huge success, followed by photographers from the US and Russia and the girl was invited to sit on the balcony to watch a parade scheduled just in her honor. It was glorious and the girl was thrilled. She went everywhere she could, saw everything she could and the Russian people were kind to her. She looked as if she would live forever when the trip was concluded, but by the time they got back to the states, the girl was feverish and went in to a coma shortly after. She died two weeks later, but her family said that she died happy. That was all they knew and cared about. She died happy, thanks to Madison and her dedication.

The success of the trip and the words of praise from the family made headlines. Madison avoided the cameras as much as possible and let Carol and some of the staff take the credit and the publicity. She was happy in the background. She wanted no praise and no credit. She did what she did for herself, to keep herself busy and not dwelling on her personal life. She wanted to stay busy and did so while the others took the credit. She noticed her picture in the paper one afternoon and noted that she looked pale and tired. She made a vow to avoid any more pictures.

The summer passed with hard work and long hours filling her life. She was busy and that's what she wanted. She spent her days at Wishes, and her nights alone at the condo. That was her life and she was content with it. She wanted nothing more. When Carol invited her over for dinner with other guests, she understood that it was a fix-up party and she refused. When she was coupled with another, sometimes a man, she was polite but cool, friendly but aloof. She wanted nothing to do with any man or woman, for that matter. She had made peace with herself and there was room for no one else.

The fall came with a reminder that it had been almost a year since she ruined her life, but the year had not been all bad. There were memories of wishes fulfilled, children and their families given a little joy in the midst of their grief. Some were better for it and had been able to say goodbye more easily. For that she was grateful and it made her lonely life just a little better. She received many letters and cards from those whose lives she had touched and she treasured them above all else. Her biological children had turned cold toward her but she had her other children, those she had helped, and they were kinder. She knew many by name and remembered them all.

Thanksgiving was spent with Carol and George. Carol's family came and Madison spent some time with them but left early in the afternoon, once dinner was over and everyone retired to the family room for football and talks. She was an outsider and felt it keenly when family matters came up. No one wanted to remind her of the last Thanksgiving and they were being very careful but Madison felt the tension and decided to end it by leaving. She was graceful and made it seem that she had things to do but all she really wanted was to be by herself. She drove home, thinking about her life and what the future held. She knew what she was doing was not going to take her much further. She was just treading water. Work, sleep, work and do it all over again, day after day after day. Something had to change.

As November came to a close and December blew in on a cold wind and a colder snow, she began to consider an ending to it all. She was doing nothing but surviving. There was no one in her life and she wanted no one else. She had committed to one man, the only man she had ever loved or wanted. But, by her own actions, she had driven him away. She knew many men, men who would be happy to become her friend and her lover. There were several who were divorced, or widowed, or just single for other reasons who wanted to be with her and give her male companionship of any kind. She knew them all and rejected them as one. She wanted no one else. That was a choice she made and was satisfied with. No one else could take his place.

Her children had made their choice. They chose their father and in their lives, there wasn't room for her. They were cold to her and made it clear they would prefer if she stayed away. Parker Jr. had rejected her out of hand. He wouldn't even speak to her. She did talk to Evelyn but only when Jr. was gone. She knew Blair and Junior loved her. They said as much, but they didn't like her or what she did. So, they turned their backs on her. She didn't blame them but she did resent it. And that resentment made her sad.

She decided one night as the wind blew cold and the snow piled up against her window that she would take her own life. It was a choice and one she decided was the only way out for her. She could continue to live this life, helping others and giving her time to them, but others could do that. She started something that now had a life of its own and would go on regardless of her. She even went to church, the one where she and Parker were married, and asked God for his help and direction, but he was also silent. If he did speak, his answer was obviously, 'No'.

She decided to end it on Christmas eve. It seemed so perfect, so appropriate. Everyone she knew would be with their family and loved ones. They wouldn't miss her at all. No one would care where she was until days later at the soonest. There would be no one to mourn her, no family to grieve for her. She would do them all a favor and remove herself from their lives. It would be best for everyone.

She was strangely at peace once that decision was made. She had a prescription for a strong sleeping pill that her doctor had given her. She had taken one and it made her so tired that she stopped taking them. She read the directions and found that an overdose could be fatal, so she saved the pills and got a refill. She then had more than enough to end her life. She put the pills back until it was time.

At Wishes Unlimited, she worked as usual, giving Carol no clue of what she intended. She made plans for the next year, worked on budgets and fund raisers and plans for talks to groups that could help them. She also took on a few of the easier wishes just to remind herself of why she did this. It helped to see some happiness in the faces of the kids that knew this was to be their last Christmas. She felt a strong kinship with them. This was to be her last Christmas as well. Death would claim them as well as her. She felt a little guiltly, knowing they would choose differently if they could. She could choose differently but wouldn't.

Three weeks before Christmas a wish that was to be fulfilled right after the first of the year was rescheduled, based on doctor's recommendation. It had to be done as soon a possible, or it was likely it would never happen. Carol called Madison in for a meeting.

"Maddi, you know my family is coming in tomorrow to stay for the Christmas holidays? I haven't seen them for almost a year and I want to take as much time as I can to be with them. Well, the trip for the Alison family was scheduled for the first week in January, but because of her recent health problems, the doctors want to move it up."

"How much up? Stop beating around the bush and just come out with it." Madison was laughing inwardly. She knew what Carol wanted to ask her, and since it was no problem for Madison, she would agree to spare Carol and agree to do the trip. She was glad to do it for her. One last good deed to those she loved.

"Right away if we can. Can you do it for me? Please? I hate to ask but I really need this time with my grandkids."

"Of course I'll do it. You know that. And anyway, I have no plans to break. Give me the file."

"God bless you. I'll make it up to you, you'll see. Do you have any plans for the holidays that you have to change?"

"No, no plans. My children don't want me around, and I have no one else in my life except this place and you. And George, of course."

"I wish I could make it better for you. I hate seeing you this way."

"Well, I sort of did that to myself, didn't I? I was stupid and thoughtless. I had it all, a great husband that I loved, two wonderful children that loved me and a life that any woman would die for. But it wasn't enough. I threw it all away for nothing."

"I never understood why you did it. You never told me. Or anything about that time."

"I was ashamed of it. I let my life at home with Parker slip without giving it the time and attention it needed. We were both too occupied outside our life together to see what was happening. I was feeling alone and neglected; unloved. But instead of talking to my husband as I should, I was distracted by a charming and thoughtful man who convinced me that I was still attractive and desirable. I started to spend time with him and I let him seduce me and I went willingly."

"But Bill was a handsome and charming man. Who could blame you for being seduced by someone like him? Hell, it's a good thing you were dealing with him. I might have been tempted."

"Thanks for trying to make it easier, but that's not true and we both know it. It was fun, the first couple of times, but honestly, it was just the excitement and the danger. It was never about love or passion or anything but what it was. A stupid sexual affair. At the end I was just going through the motions, trying to find the energy to stop it. It meant nothing and I knew it. As a matter of fact, it only pointed out what was wrong with my marriage. I had made up my mind to fix things when Parker told me it was over."

"I remember that time. We almost lost you to depression. I worried about you, but then you came out of it."

"The divorce being final was the wake up call." Madison sat there thinking back about it all. She was done crying, since that never helped. She considered the request from Carol to take the Alison family to San Francisco and a little bit of anger flared up inside.

"You know what? We grant so many wishes to these families and we get so much pleasure out of it. But just once, just one time, I wish someone would grant me one of my wishes. Just one."

"What would you wish for if it could be granted? What would be your wish?"

With a sob that tore at Carol's heart, Madison said, "That Parker and my children would forgive me. Just forgive me."

She stood up and walked quickly out of the room, leaving Carol sitting there watching her go. The pain was still there, regardless of how well Madison tried to hide it. She wished that there were some way to help her friend. Maybe there was something. . . .

Two weeks before Christmas, Madison was sitting in the almost empty offices of Wishes Unlimited, reviewing the file on the Alison family. They were leaving the next day. Their wish was to see the city of San Francisco and to visit the hill top stores, the bay area with its houseboats and the city proper. The girl, Lena, had terminal cancer. This was her wish and her family wanted desperately to give it to her. As with most families in this situation, money was tight due to excessive medical bills. They couldn't afford to do it so Wishes Unlimited had agreed to provide Lena and her family with Lena's wish.

Madison met the family, two girls, Lena eleven and Melissa twelve, the mother and father, both young and desperate. They were losing one of their girls and the pain was clear on their faces. But, they were strong for Lena. Madison saw the grief on their faces and knew she was blessed to be able to help people like this. She felt guilt for only a second before remembering the foundation she had created would go on without her. She wouldn't be missed. There was more than enough grief to go around.