All Comments on 'The Contract Ch. 04'

First, a few recommendations. You need to edit a little better. For example, Michael Phelps won gold medals, not metals. There are numerous other typos, as well, and they sometimes ruin the flow of the story. Not too bad, and better than my own stories, but enough to interrupt the flow. Second, and I admit I'm only familiar with Illinois and Wisconsin law, but there's not a judge in the world that's going to show up in a restaurant to grant an annulment. Yes, the story took numerous liberties with the law, but they were either minor or part of the all around entertainment. This one, though, really doesn't pass the believability--or plausibility--test. Also, it robbed you of the chance for a good courtroom scene, thus building the suspense on why he'd get to keep the $100,000 all to himself. These problems are relatively minor, though, and the story still merited the 5 stars I gave it based on plot and character development alone.

Now the good things. This is the second story in the past few days in which there was a lawyer painted as a good guy--girl in this case. As a lawyer, thanks. Also, the Carol character was completely sketched in, which was also nice, as was the Joyce "the Dyke" character. Moreover, you did an excellent job of still throwing out little tidbits to keep us all interested. For example, will Tonya ever be able to have children? What's her reaction going to be with Ben, who appears to have given her the STD? Or did Mary give the STD to Ben, and he hasn't himself "cheated" on Tonya since they've been together? And who's telling the truth about the genesis of the marital breakdown, Paul or Tonya? Also, why should we care, particularly now that their marriage has been annulled? Finally, what of the original contract offer to father children for Mary? Or was it Sherri? Hell, I've forgotten!

I'll be tuning in to your next episode to see where you take it.

Despite an occasional grammatical 'poopie,' I'm really enjoying this story line. It may turn to an 'aw shit' later (I'm in the vengeance camp), but I'll give you full marks for a readable story!

If the ending disappoints me, I won't bomb you in points; sometimes the journey is more entertaining than the destination.

Good work! Keep it up!

Regards,

H-

How you managed to have a cheating wife story that neither husband nor cheating wife is despicable is beyond me. ;-)

I love the side play with Carol and her husband. Really entertaining.

This story is very interesting, and different from what we usually read in LW stories. I didn't get the "logic" behind this chapter, I mean being told/narrated from Carol's point-of-view(POV) — nevermind it was good though.

I'm not much into "Law" so no issues with whatever the outcomes — but there were so many typos, errors, goof ups — Ben instead of George...etc. I know you didn't use any editor for this story — please re-check before posting it.

I'm really interested to know where this story will go. It seems that Mary has a "devious" mind OR is she really interested to help Paul? Let's find out in the next chapter.

~Kelly~

wife was a whore for another man and wasn't punish enough.

...of the cause for divorce, both parties feel justified in their actions. My problem, wether or not Tanya broke her marital deal, she didn't sit down and discuss it and/or her new feelings which may have led to some understanding! In short, she committed adultery - guilty. Her excuse for serving him at the game, vicious - no excuse acceptable.

I'm a guy and I love women and I do not like to see them screwed over but - I'm sorry, she cheated, lied and sneaked - she is an adulterer and a slut. Ben...WELL, seems like he sleeps around, should be interesting to see where it goes with him and Tanya once the truth is out and, oh yeah, I think Carol should have insisted that Ben & Carol voluntarily quit their jobs to prevent Paul from suing the school...

Oh well, your story, you write well, is this it or do we have more goodies coming?

really?

Tonya and Paul had an agreement.

she broke for NO good reason.

She would not listen to any rational argument.

so in her warpped twisted fucked up mind Tonya decided to engage in a long germ affair with ben.

but according to YOU Tonya does NOT come across as a despicable person?

The lawyers manipulation of her clients intent is despicable. She seems to think she knows what is "best" for her client.

Sorry, I did not like the direction this chapter took the story.

What I love about this story is that so far I have no idea where it's going. I liked the female lawyer and the intermingling of her apparently loving marriage with the chaos in the main protagonists' dying marriage. I liked the fact that the author managed to muddy up the apparent black and white nature of the husband's apparent betrayal by his wife. I think, and apparently a lot of other readers agree, that a dying marriage story is better when you have two real people instead of a husband and a miserable villain of a bitch wife. Like Rehnquist, I found the bit about the judge coming to a restaurant to finalize annulment papers a little hard to swallow (actually I found it impossible to swallow) but that aside, the legal shennaigans didn't seem flat out impossible or unrealistic. I liked the way we were brought into the mind of the attorney as she handled the legal battles. This is probably a dead marriage story, but I wouldn't take a bet that there was NO chance that the ex-husband and wife might not get back together. Like I said, I'm looking forward to coming chapters.

Agree with Rehnquist and DQS1 - this is an imperfect but very interesting series. Very difficult to predict what is next. George is a fortunate guy! It is difficult for me not to take Paul's side - she cheated and apparently gave him an STD. Which he could have kept 80% instead of 65%...

My main complaint about this chapter is really a writing/story issue: while the sex scenes with the lawyer might have been fun to write, they were just a digression from the story. You might want to consider that unless a particular scene is going to lead the reader somewhere or will tie back into the story later (which I suspect these won't), you should carefully consider whether you want to include it. And, as others have mentioned, there were a number of malapropisms and typos that were distracting. We all end up with some of those, so it's a limited sin, but worth having some outside eyes go through before putting your story up.<p><br>

That said -- in many ways the story has been enjoyable and I look forward to further chapters. Thanks for writing for our pleasure!

I liked this chapter, as I have the entire story to date. I'm not sure that his laywer acted in his best interest, though. Though the end result was financially favorable for Paul, she soft peddled what she was instructed to do. Why should Paul care if his ex wife retained her job? Hell, he wanted the scorched earth policy. That said, I like the lawyer. I still don't like Tanya, while she may have been unhappy in the marriage, feeling she wasn't being supported, that doesn't make her actions ok. Paul had his side of the story as well, she didn't follow through with the agreed upon plan, he was forced into a job he didn't like to support his family, kids were no longer a part of the picture. The bottom line is that she cheated. If she was unhappy she should have gotten a divorce and then could have screwed around all she wanted. Being unhappy in a marriage doesn't give anyone a right to test the waters, date or sleep with other people. If that's what she wanted she should have divorced first. IMHO Tanya is the person in the wrong here. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Wife is mad at husband who wants to have his wife be a professional dancer before having a child and then become a teacher. Wife says screw that, I'm a trained dancer so I'll be a teacher/drill team instructor and if he doesn't like it I'll fuck the band director and hide my money and serve him in public.

The vampire "understands" her even though she knows that wife cheated and stole from the husband who sacrificed his dream to support her. The writer is trying to share the blame but does not make the case. The lawyer's sex life is irrelevant other than to show that she is in charge of her slave husband.

This chapter is stupid.

So our boy did okay in the divorce... I sure hope that evil befalls loverboy, I do love a good ending!!

I don't know where to start about hown stupid this is but here are some off the top of my head:

1. No divorce attorney acts so contrary to the wishes of a client or single handedly orchestrates cases without the imput and agreement beforehand.

2. The woman is still a vicious self serving shrew and the man is still and idiotic victim which really titulates the wimp husband fetishists under some preposterous guise of realism.

3. The author is either leaving a lot of hints about some discombobulated story he has in his mind that long ago left the rails or he honestly does not know how little any of this makes sense.

4. When your fans are the wimp husband being destroyed by sex obsessessed self serving whore devotees, (see writers of fan comments, you will recognize many) you know you suck.

Enjoyed this story and found it interesting and emotional. Thanks for sharing it.

Why does the hero seem befuddled all the time? He seems to be wandering around in a daze, exploding at times, hitting walls or goading sexual harassers, but I mean really wandering around with no intelligence.

Another commenter already pointed out that at least in the USA, no judge will come to a restaurant to make a ruling, and in fact courts are very busy. Unless these people bribed the judge? Come on, what is this? Should the setting be changed to a village in Southeast Asia?

And to top everything, all of a sudden we have annulment on the table AND GRANTED - on what grounds? Because they wanted to? Huh?

Ugh, terrible research, bad writing, I thought a high school kid was writing this.

To see if Paul has a Child or Two and if Tanya and her Lover stay together or Does she screw him over to have her Baby?

and what about Tanya's attorney she will go Crazy over the Bonus Check.

The comment about the annulment is correct. It wouldn't happen. The couple would have to divorce. Also, as a general rule inheritances are not community property even if inherited during the marriage. In general proof of a spouses infidelity doesn't affect the division of property or even custody at all. I don't know, but I doubt you could even use the proof that two teachers slept together at a school sponsored event to get them fired. Maybe some places it could cause a problem. About the only thing that's plausible is sending a DVD to all friends and relatives to embarrass them.

I won't reiterate the problems pointed out in other comments. I noticed many of them BUT even though some of the actions taken by the attorney and having the Judge come to the restaurant are unrealistic they did make good reading. I feel a court scene where this was hashed out would have been better however the unrealistic actions didn't ruin the story for me. I read for the entertainment and unless a story is totally horrid or the characters take actions I find abhorrent I can enjoy and allow the author his license. Having said that, I commend you on your story line and I look forward to more. Like many readers I would like to see Tonya find out what her attorney screwed her out of and would like to see her and especially her new lover suffer more. I look forward to you showing Paul wildly successful in his career and finding a new wife that believes in fidelity.

Keep up the efforts

SW MO Hermit

First off, this is a good moment to pause the story. The marriage is dead, and I need to find an editor for the rest of the chapters. I plan to continue to write, but find an editor to make the reading more enjoyable for everyone at Literotica. There will be a brief pause in getting the next chapter out, so I can do this.

I am not a lawyer, and I did take license to make the story more enjoyable. I am also not a martial artist, so some of the stuff mentioned will probably not hold water, either. I am probably a Gaijin in terms of Japanese culture (Gaijin - a demeaning term for outsider), and I don’t expect to find a Japanese cultural center anywhere in the U.S. like the one I am describing. (Note, has anyone figured out that Paul is more or less wanting the idealized Japanese wife?)

I did take artistic license to set up drama with the split. Yeah, bringing the Judge in was drama, and that’s what I was going for. I wanted an annulment, so that Paul wouldn’t feel any obligations during a waiting period, and could start having fun with the ladies.

Point of View – The reason that I went with the divorce lawyer’s point of view was to remove the Paul’s rose colored glasses from the story. I hinted at this when Carol watched the parking lot video, but I wanted to give Tonya some semblance of humanity. I also kind of fell in love with the side character Carol Bernstein, whose personality was somewhat inspired by Glinda the good witch in the musical “Wicked!”.

I thought about having a section of the story in the next chapter from Tonya’s point of view. She has the longest emotional journey to go through of all the characters. To keep the story brief, I plan to cut her out, and not show her journey. I have toyed with the possibility of writing a pro Tonya series from her point of view, which exactly parallels this series. This idea is inspired by the science fiction Tarot Series.

Annulment - I was trying to use the following Diriment Impediment - One partner had been deceived by the other in order to obtain consent, and if the partner had been aware of the truth, would not have consented to marry.

The deception was that Tonya had claimed prior to marriage to Paul that she would bear children prior to taking up teaching. In the Catholic church, I know that a man going to a priest and complaining that his wife refused to bear children would have merit. This may be weak, but that is what I used when setting up the plot line.

George as a slave husband – Carol and George traded roles. George was a slave and Carol dominated. Carol was put in stocks and George dominated. They both took turns being the dominant and the submissive. I may try writing the Stocks scene as an explicit sex story called “Begging to be Bound”.

From the comments that I have seen, what sex I threw into this chapter to contrast a vivacious marriage verses a dying marriage, was a distraction to the basic plot. My inspiration was the movie “Excalibur!” where there is a battle scene filled with death, juxtaposed against a sex scene that depicting the creation of Author Pendragon. I have been writing this as mostly an R-rated story, with a few hints of getting to explicit sex, but I think I will reel myself back towards more of an R rating, and stick to plot and character development.

This chapter really knocked the shine off this story for me. While I was eagerly anticipating each chapter before and now it just looks like a train wreck to nowhere.

What is next to see? Its over probably, When their is problem in marriage very first thing you must do is talk to you partner, so Tony was fully responsible, Expectations are for individuals Paul has his own and Tonya has her own, What Tonya did was Lie and made false promise to Paul, Whatever the reason was Tonya does not deserve any sympathy. And Initially a liked Carol but now I think she is one who try to judge people, She was judging their marriage, without talking to Pual she took action, this was totally unprofessional. And waht was Tonya actually planning, For two years? It was biggest betrayal from her, keeping your spouse in dark for long time, two years are nothing when you read in story but a man who comes to know what he could have done in those two years, he could have find his new life partner, But she kept him in dark, dumping him with nothing while she was out for looking for new partner, and she apperantly found one, and another one she gave him STD, If there was a real Attorney, and A real man, he could have gotten everything from them. As Law works, she could get nothing from divorce, She committed adultery, gave him STD, affair in university. Common these are enough proof for him to get what he has already get, and also he could have gotten his revenge. To me Tonya escaped scott-free, And carol is Dumbest Lawyer I have ever seen, she is happy to save Paul for what was already his, I think, Paul is still at loss. To me story is over. Wrong doers escaped without loss, Wronged party with loss of marriage. And a Psycho attorney who can still make bigger loser. annulment bullshit. But again its your story you can do whatever you want. Right?

...very interesting DESPITE "discombobulations"!!! The sex with Lawyer and subhub was great. Much better and more character appropriate than the usual here, so I think it made an excellent addition to story. Of course Lawyers don't typically act like that nor do judges usually rule that way but anything is possible. Remember the Kentucky Judge taking kickbacks for committing boys to Juvie????The legal asses will occasionally do ANYTHING!!!

Don't wait... write more and post it now!

you dont have it please stop or read more on lit to learn how to write and what to write. It seems to me a news instead of a story. except there were no celebrities in divorce. Just two people got divorce. I dont know why you even wasted your time to write this crap. I may be fool to read it but you are bigger fool than me because you knew how it will end what will happen, even then you wasted your time to write it. I knew nothing before i finish it, that there is nothing in this story, but still i feel like moron to read it completely. Congrats you are in my list, i list two people who i wants to read and who i never want to read.

Carol is insufferably condescending about her client. He did not pick a fight at his company, 3 morons did. He simply told them to not sexually harass women or they would be reported. That is not picking a fight. Further, once he did act it was extremely limited and controlled. Then we get to his being upset about being publicly served with divorce papers. Well, DUH. He tried to just leave but his wife intercepted him, making matters worse. OK, he punched a wall to blow off some steam. That hurt anyone how? And yet Carol acts as if he is an unstable fool. Then she is sympathetic to his cheating slut of a wife. Awwww, he wasn't supportive - BS. Given the circumstances I think he is acting quite rationally and more that fairly. Carol has no respect for him, she is treating him like a child. To me, that's a complete turnoff to the story. At this point, now that things are settled, he would be best served to drop his connections with all these manipulative and condescending women (Mary, Sherri, Carol) and see if he can meet a better class of the opposite sex. Of course the author doesn't seem to have much respect for him either so that's unlikely. This story started out well but has tanked in the last couple chapters.

Being into Sci-Fi I have no trouble living with a Judge doing an anullment at a dinner, but what is wrong with a bit of Fantasy? Our author is trying to remind us that events are subject to different interpretations and that the truth only exists for the individual except when mobs come to the fore..

I Like it very much and wish the author a long and productive sojourn with us.

Some of the name changes and wrong words can make it a little hard to follow but I'm enjoying it. As I don't have ADD I'm also enjoying the length and detail you are going into. I have to say that even though I like the character Carol, I don't think she's doing her best for her client. She went to great lengths to protect the spouse. She could have gotten more for Paul than she did. She got him more than he expected and he may be happy but he doesn't know the whole story. I see no reason the stocks should have been excluded as they were earned after the marriage. Same with the furnishings. Obviously the story is fiction but Carol doesn't seem to be very clear on who her client was.

A common expression.

I like the plot but your sloppy typing with no editing is and insult to us readers. You type as you think, not as grammatically correct. You don't keep your characters straight.

I like the turns and twists, but the presentation was so poorly done that I just hope you've learned to put something into editing before your next work.

seriously why not just keep letting ben fuck her seems that what you did in real life since you love being a wimp. There's a difference to not caring and cowardice, Paul is a coward and a loser and since authors tend to project themselves to their protagonist ala you are cuckold paul. That must be a dream come true. =D

I have no idea why i'm reading this anymore

This author needs to write about what he knows and leave issues of law to the experts. Even for fiction this is too far fetched. This lawyer would be up on ethics charges so quickly if her actions took place in real life. I cant read anymore of this story. This author now has been relegated to the "Do Not Read" list.

Author, in a nutshell, you fucked this tale up. Big time. Two jerkoff attorney's vying for control. And who gives a shit about the vampire's sex life? Save that for Erotic Couplings. I'll continue just on gp's to see if this can be salvaged. ANNULMENT?

Damn again

Its hard to tell who's side the 'Vampire' is on. She doesn't really give a shit about her client, and seems to do all in her power to protect Tanya. Including ignoring her own clients wishes.

Also, the annulment. I'm no lawyer, but its my understanding that you need a pretty exacting set of circumstances to get an annulment, including being within a certain time frame, unless the marriage was under false pretense, then you can only get a divorce.

...this guy desperately needs an editor. If he already has one, he should fire that person. Typos, grammatical mistakes, and worst of all, he mixes up the characters’ names.

His lawyer acting like clinical psychologist or psychiatrist not attorney

Could be disbarred at least reprimanded

Not consulting client

VD and although he got treated very serious matter downplayed

Annulment what grounds and speed ridiculous

Know story not real but in realm of fairy tale

Like the funky vampire lawyer and George, but don't like her being judge jury and both councillors, as well as the conscience of this story.

And people react , and the author created history after the fact to justify the actions.

Screwing the legal system as well as you can and get the win

The entire property settlement discussion is bullshit. The husband's lawyer could be disciplined for such obvious malpractice.

Kendo is a Japanese form of training based on the sword....I'm enjoying this yarn an it's a shame it's marred by so many typos, After all the thought an effort that went into this, why the sloppiness?

Can Carol be disbarred for making unilateral decisions without consulting her client?

Can the settlement be thrown out because she didn't inform her client of all she found out and figured out before presenting him with the settlement, let alone having him sign it?

Can an annulment even take place since Tanya and Paul have been married 10 ish years? That is my guess on how long they've been married. I know some places have time limits on annulments, while others have other places use other stipulations.

Can't Ben and Tanya still be fired for the morals clause since at the time of their affair, Tanya was still married? Also, isn't Ben screwed anyway, since he not only slept with multiple student's parents, but also gave people an STD?

Why is every woman in this story a manipulative bitch? Why are they all manipulating Paul? Carol fucks him over in his divorce, Tanya fucks him over for two years, even though he was nice enough to change their agreement, Mary screws him over to get back at Ben, and Sherri is screwing him over to get the kid she wants.

For a guy who is a great negotiator to miss all of this, defies belief. I really hope he has a plan to fuck all of them over, and I hope he saves Carol for last. Tanya never really loved him, Mary wants revenge, and Sherri just wants a kid. They all have understandable, albeit really shitty, reasons for doing what they're doing. Carol has no excuse. She is fucking him over to help out Tanya. I guess this brings up my last question, why is she helping Tanya, and fucking her client over?

This was tedious going. Legalese is not that interesting when drawn out in this fashion, so Carole's turn at narrator was a bust. In addition to that, dulling the intensity of the situation by spreading blame between both the spouses like this might not have been a great idea. Good for smoothing things over in real life, sure. For a dramatic story, not so much.

I looked over at Tonya. "Tonya, I am not accusing you of anything, I am just trying to tell you what the company knew about Paul's state of mind when he entering the parking lot. Richard Davidson also knew that Paul was a Black Belt in Kendo. I want you to understand that Morton Packaging believes that Paul was goading three men to attack him. That is why he was fired, even though he looked like a hero. The person who starts a fight may not be the person that threw the first punch."

I queued up the video and turned the screen towards the two women. "You will see three men harassing a woman as she walks to her ride home. You will see Paul ignore the woman and not ask her if she needs help, but block the path of the three men, which made company think that Paul was not actually interested in helping the woman at all. You will then see Paul, who has eighteen years of martial arts experience, and a black belt in Kendo, give ground to the three men, which the company believes is feinting weakness. You will then see the fight, and see Paul taunting the other two to attack him. You will then see the lady thank him, and after a moment Paul will walk away."

Almost everything legal in this story is overdone and ridiculous...and "Kendo"? That's fencing with bamboo swords.

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