All Comments on 'The Contract Ch. 05'

context of the main characters. PLEASE get on with the main tale......

you lost me this is to boring i'm gone

I like the various back stories, but you might make some into separate stories. Mary would make a good follow-on story.

She's as dishonest as any slut could be! At least, she had the consideration to buy her own furniture when she decided to sleep around and save his...a little thoughtful on her part but surprising, she knew she was not interested in their agenda of family.

Can we just get back to her going off into oblivion and his getting his life in a happy order?

I agree with three of the four comments posted before me. First, this is an outstanding first effort. And second, your use of the various backstories slows down the pace of the story as a whole.

What they didn't say, though--and I think the point should be made--is that more complete backstories such as you are attempting here give characters depth, which goes a long way toward making the overall story more compelling. Thus, you are to be applauded for the effort.

However, if I may make a recommendation or two, I don't think you should do the backstories in the manner you are doing them here. Rather than give us whole blocks of a character's history, throw in nuggets, either in conversations or in the narrarating character's thoughts, that gradually come through during the story. For example, you had Paul going with Ran for the incense and charm BEFORE you gave us Ran's history with him. Better to have had Paul observe Ran, make a few quick comments about how long he'd known her and how she was now grown up, then go to the temple for incense and charm. Later, when the story is being told from Ran's POV, have her make a few--not too many--additional observations. This gradually, and without bogging down the story, gives us greater character depth. Also, it lets us know BEFORE the trip to the temple that there is a possible history between Ran and Paul, which then gives that passage more impact and meaning. After all, if you'd stopped reading when they left the temple, you'd be saying, "Why the fuck did this guy just go do this with this gal?" By gradually dropping the backstory in at various places, we sense--though don't completely see--a significance in the ritual.

Just a few thoughts.

Either way, please keep going. I'm now wondering what happens to Ben, Tonya, Ran, and Paul. I admit that Mary and Sherri are not nearly as compelling, but that's probably because I'm unable to relate to them. (Not because they're lesbian lovers; it's because the whole breastfeeding thing gives me the willies!)

The author has successfully proved that his knowledge of Japanese Martial art is supreme.... my query - how is it relevant to the story??

Few questions and thoughts.

So far we know you know your martial arts. Personally mine was Taekwondo, Judo, and Shao-Lin, but I digress (^_^). But we now know you know yours, but you kinda went really indepth on it. I mean "really" indepth. That might have been a little over kill.

But that was the least of the things that concerned me with the story. Why the over abundance and focus on lactation and a lesbian relationship between two of the main characters? That seems to be a "really" weird twist. It went from a flow story into a deep dark secret fantasy.

You took one attractive hetero female who was a mother, turned her homosexual, took another female that looked to be "heterosexual" in every way in part one (someone you called every man's walking wet dream), and revealed in this part she is "also" homosexual. That seems like an odd fantasy that one might believe every male has. You know, the one where women believe that a man is always dreaming of making it with a pair of bi-sexual lesbians.

Is that even a choice of sexuality?

But then you put Paul in bed with them and then work hard in "this" story to reveal that he's just a passing fancy, someone to get Sherri pregnant, then also reveal the inter workings of Mary's mind where she reveals that she came from such an abusive relationship that she felt she had no choice but to turn homosexual to be with another woman.

I have to ask, and I swear I'm not trying to be mean or snide, but how is what was mentioned above remotely sexy, romantic, or engaging? Most of these characters sound like nuts who need to seek professional help, not at the earliest opportunity, but "NOW". Do not pass go, but drop everything and head to the nearest shrink.

Then you tried to build a passing, but not remotely deep, relationship between Ben and Paul. Between an adulterer and the man he made a Cuckold. Even if Paul's wife was cheating on him, and Ben thought she was going to divorce Paul for him, Ben had to know, from Chapter 1 when Tonya called him and said:

"Hello, Ben. Yeah, it's Tonya. Paul is leaving right now. We'll have at least three hours before he comes back. Get over here and fuck me silly"

that he was helping her cheat on her husband. Someone who hears this is not a victim in any sense of the word. Ben in this chapter claimed he thought she was getting divorced from Paul and claims to have been led on by her, so where was that same level of morality when he was trying to bone Tonya before Paul came home and caught them?

So why the new push to make him also a partial victim of her ambitions?

And the introduction of a new character Ran, her father, and the Dojo seemed to be from completely left field. As well as Richard dropping in and telling him two "new" women were now asking about him and asked that he (Richard) pass on their numbers to him (Paul). Ok, I could see them doing it for Brad Pitt or Ashton Kutcher, but a non-descriptive ordinary man? Nothing so far in the story supports this level of attraction between him and other women, so this is really an out of left field attraction.

Don't get me wrong, I thought you started off great for your first story. And Chapters 1-3 seemed to do a pretty good job of making one curious, but by the time four came out, and you decided to make Paul's lawyer such a sex crazed nut, I was starting to wonder where you were going. But then you decided to introduced one of the primary focuses of your stories as a lactation crazed female, I found I was turned completely off.

Oh, and you do know to lactate that the female body has to produce a certain type of "hormone" that usually only starts in the final month of pregnancy. And I even found out that it's possible with drugs to start lactating. But you will "never" see a woman, who takes no form of drugs, or has never been pregnant before, spontaneously start to Lactate from having her breast sucked on. You might want to look that up, I know I already did. So this, even for a story, seemed really weird and far fetched. Enough that I had to make sure it wasn't possible under normal circumstances.

But I'm just curious why you started off with what could be seen as a straight forward story, then swerved off into... I'm not sure where you are now headed, with your story. I'm just wondering why you keep changing the plots and focus of the story. When you do it creates plot holes and miss-matching characters with-in your story.

Again, not trying to insult you, but I'm just confused as to where this is now going.

-Risq

No sooner do you thank your editors, and then we see they missed in the second sentence of the first paragraph:

"was longer married to Tonya"

which we all know should read "was no longer married to Tonya"

bad, bad editors! ;-{

I still enjoy the continuing development of the characters, and the introduction of a very interesting diversion for our hero. Myself, I hope that the newest character addition develops into something more solid, but . . . you're the author. Keep up the good work.

Lets hope we get more of this it will be interesting to see how everyone gets their lives Together.

On Breastfeeding - It's a strange fetish, I agree. As a first try, I wanted to slip a little bit into different Literotica categories. Carol Bernstein had light bondage in chapter four. The breastfeeding fetish was thrown in to connect Mary and Sherri deeper, and bring out Sherri's desire to have a child. I also wanted to let Paul have an experience prior to becoming involved in his three potential love interests. I will continue to add odd sex quirks, such as a soap land bath and a hydro sex scene (both in chapter six).

On Martial Arts - I plead the Shultz, Sergeant Shultz. "I know nothing!" But I can research to give the appearance of knowing something. I actually have no martial arts experience. I am a fan of Japanese and Chinese Martial Arts movies. "Ran" is one of my favorites, and it happens to be a girls name (means water lily, a symbol of purity). I will introduce Kyudo (Japanese Archery), which is a seven foot Longbow. Then, Martial Arts will fade into the background.

Additional Characters - Two more to come, Paul will end up having to pick between three women. Ran is the first of the three. One will come from the phone numbers that Paul was given. The other character is from his glass business. The entire story has eight main characters, Paul, Tonya, Mary, Sherri, Ran, Ben, and two others. There are a few minor characters, such as Carol Bernstein, that will pop up from time to time.

Paul and Ben - Yeah, they become friends. It's weird. I wanted to keep the cast small. (Yeah, Right!)

On Editing - I am very thankful to all three editors, they are doing this for free, and did catch many of my errors. Some will still slip by. In all, I believe they did a very good job in helping me.

OldHideki

I am still wondering what contract will be signed.... Our authot likes and invents interesting characters. After his telling us that he is a Stephen Donaldson fan, I would not be surprised at anything he puts in his people.

Next he will cite something from Lawrence Durrell.

I;ll agree with previous posters that this story has taken a lot of really violent swerves from what it looked like at the beginning, but that's not a bad thing.This looked like a variation on the 'loving wife' genre at the beginning and could still wind up back on that track, but there are a lot other possibilities that are being thrown into the mix. The lesbian couple, the romance with the Japanese girl, the boyfriend who seems a lot more complex than at first glance...I'll be honest, I have no idea where the story is going, but I'm curious to find out.

This is a wonderful story. I like your fleshing out the other characters. You could build a wealth of related tales revolving around this community.

You might have increased your readership if your chapter descriptions let us know a tad more clearly that this is a cheating wives tale.

Regardless, bravo for a great debut story.

I did not enjoy this five part story. Why I do not know I read some of it twice to make sure I was following the story line. You had so many story lines one could get lost. Any more parts I will not read. " Good Luck"

your comment was like a trailer for the next episode , you know , with WAY too many spoilers.

What a bunch of crap, this story had veered off in so many directions it is painful to read. I can barely remember the main storyline. Finish this once and for all.

Thank you!

OH,

I was trying to remember #1 & 2 and as I did the story started getting more gooder (yeah, more gooder) and gooder.

Enjoing this and look forward to Chapter 6 and beyond. Thanks for sharing your work on Lit.

x

....if this is authors first work that's asking a lot. I like that these backstories circle around to the main line, or should I say the main line comes back to intersect. Risq-"Shao Lin" is a temple from which a Taiwanese (I believe) style of Kong Fu (o, not u) was developed. It is a style, not a discipline. The discipline of course is Chinese originally, and that brings up the Author's use of "kata" which is itself indicative of Chinese Martial Arts, not Japanese. It is a progression of compatible positions performed in consecutive movements.

I really enjoyed the first few chapters. But in the current chapter, there are so many fast changes in POV... moving between characters... backstory digressions... I would have to suspend all judgement to believe this is really going anywhere. Whos story is it?

Also agree that your backstories are slowing the overall story down.. a lot. Further, your continuously switching of POV in this last chapter slows down the story, is jarring, unnecessary, and robs the reader of riding a main character through most of the story. Changing POV through an important second character is fine if done clearly and improves the depth of the story. Unfortunately, you change POV through minor characters. What you want to say about these minor characters is done much better through interactions with and through the eyes of a major character. Interior dialogue from minor characters is particularly weak. Continuous switching of POV is the mark of authors who are just starting out. Interestingly enough, though, some great writers do this, but they are really, skilled.

time flow, transition, dialogue construction, interruption, single event going on, multiple events, pace and pacing, character and plot coherency, and half dozen other basics .... before writing a story .... however simple you have it in your head...

By a senior with a recall problems !

One story at a time. You have so many things going on I don't know what to do. Two chapters left. The question is, who gives a fuck?

if I'm going to be able to finish this. I might have to skim it. Now my problem is every character is looking back and introducing new characters. Shouldn't we be through with Ben and Tonya? These ratings are way to high for a LW story.

I would told both Sherri and Mary to go to a Sperm Bank if they wanted sperm to make a baby. I wasn't available to be a sperm donor. As for Tonya, divorce was not only the only option, it was the BEST OPTION.

Story again loses me

Ben had VD before Tonya kept screwing other women no treatment

Gave it to Tonya she gave to husband. Per writers timeline

Paul gets cheated on for 2 years even in marital bed received VD and doesn't scorch and burn emotional wimp if not cucky

Last chapter Tonya bought new bed so it would not be marital bed how not she still married still sleeping with husband just replacement marital bed

Gluten for punishment as I keep reading hoping for who knows what

Hey! I’m a musician! That must mean I have a... wait, but it’s not.

You could have told this story in its entirety with half as many pages or chapters, I lost interest long ago but kept persevering but this chapter ended it for me. Just way to wordy without actually adding anything to the story🥱

This has gone off the rails for a while. So much time devoted to insignificant things. Writing's not bad, but in dire need of an editor to trim all the bloat.