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Click hereAs for the rock band, the replacement drummer was a friend of the manager and had great chops. He urged the band to do a comeback. Ben was going on his third year as a band director and didn't really want to go back to his old lifestyle, but he reluctantly agreed to record a second CD. Over the summer, the band did a few venues, and rejuvenated their sound. Last Saturday was the first of ten dates aimed at getting the band back on the college charts. Every Saturday until Christmas would be spent at a different college town within driving distance.
Last Saturday had been another wake up call for Ben. After the concert, the band was attacked by adoring groupies. Every woman that Paul looked at appeared to have HIV tattooed across their face. The thought of having sex with any of them made him choke. Between Cougars and Coeds wanting one night stands, Ben felt a distinct emptiness. He felt the name of rock band was coming self referential. He was the one with an empty blue heart.
***** *****
As the opposing team's band and drill team left the field, Ben and Tonya tried to smile as their students took the field for their part of the halftime show. This was the night the entire town came out to cheer their school. They both tried to smile, but neither could.
***** *****
This is the end of my fifth installment. I hoped you enjoyed.
- COMMENTS
secretsalover 3 years agoThis has gone off the rails for a while. So much time devoted to insignificant things. Writing's not bad, but in dire need of an editor to trim all the bloat.
Ocker53over 3 years agoYou could have told this story in its entirety with half as many pages or chapters, I lost interest long ago but kept persevering but this chapter ended it for me. Just way to wordy without actually adding anything to the story🥱
etchiboyover 3 years agoHey! I’m a musician! That must mean I have a... wait, but it’s not.
jtwheelsabout 5 years agoStory again loses me
Ben had VD before Tonya kept screwing other women no treatment
Gave it to Tonya she gave to husband. Per writers timeline
Paul gets cheated on for 2 years even in marital bed received VD and doesn't scorch and burn emotional wimp if not cucky
Last chapter Tonya bought new bed so it would not be marital bed how not she still married still sleeping with husband just replacement marital bed
Gluten for punishment as I keep reading hoping for who knows what
Anonymousalmost 6 years agoI would told both Sherri and Mary to go to a Sperm Bank if they wanted sperm to make a baby. I wasn't available to be a sperm donor. As for Tonya, divorce was not only the only option, it was the BEST OPTION.
Tim413413almost 9 years agoif I'm going to be able to finish this. I might have to skim it. Now my problem is every character is looking back and introducing new characters. Shouldn't we be through with Ben and Tonya? These ratings are way to high for a LW story.
betrayedbyloveover 10 years agoOne story at a time. You have so many things going on I don't know what to do. Two chapters left. The question is, who gives a fuck?
Anonymousalmost 14 years agotime flow, transition, dialogue construction, interruption, single event going on, multiple events, pace and pacing, character and plot coherency, and half dozen other basics .... before writing a story .... however simple you have it in your head...
Lakesalmost 14 years agoAlso agree that your backstories are slowing the overall story down.. a lot. Further, your continuously switching of POV in this last chapter slows down the story, is jarring, unnecessary, and robs the reader of riding a main character through most of the story. Changing POV through an important second character is fine if done clearly and improves the depth of the story. Unfortunately, you change POV through minor characters. What you want to say about these minor characters is done much better through interactions with and through the eyes of a major character. Interior dialogue from minor characters is particularly weak. Continuous switching of POV is the mark of authors who are just starting out. Interestingly enough, though, some great writers do this, but they are really, skilled.
