All Comments on 'The Dawning of Sister Dawn'

Grammar and syntax and one more thing. Why did it get posted twice?

This story was nearly impossible to follow. The writing style is very crude. The author should give up writing!

Your story had a decent idea. The problem was you had so many errors in your story, that it really destroys it. You used the wrong words ( of instead of off), had poor grammar and syntax. Also you were missing any smooth transition from one point of the story to another. You also forgot to say anything about his life in the time period covered. Please get an editor, and do some serious work before submitting a story again.

It shouldn't be twice Grammar so try get one Grammar instead of twice becarful next time thanks

too fucking hard to followand it sux cuz it was posted twice!!!! you should give up writing you wanker!!!!

I will try and give you some honest advice, instead of the insulting and rude comments that have preceeded me. Try and write your dialogue like you could imagine your characters to be speaking. Play it out in your head. You will realize that people don't talk like you have them doing except if they are Jack Webb on Dragnet.

Relax. It's not a race, it's a story. Try and bring the reader along as if you are taking them on a journey. You don't get to the destination without a little traveling. Make people care about the characters.

Having said all this, even if you succeed royally, there will still be some untalented wankers putting you down, even though they haven't got the guts to try it themselves.

Keep your chin up.

Good grief you wanking pervs. This guy (or girl) obviously has a native language other than english. You act like you paid for the story and he/she just offered it up for whatever and whoever might want to read. What a bunch of god-awful assholes you reviewers are.

Too confusing, all over the place

No, seriously - I liked it a lot. Nice, gentle development of the relationship; very warm and loving. Congratulations - keep writing.

If I am not mistaken, the first paragraph repeated close to what should have been the ending paragraph ...seesh...doesnt anyone proof read these things?

Waste of space.

Lukas

I thank you all for your comments.

Being dislexic I may have problems with grammar...and "word" spell check is robotic.

Sorry I can not write and speak USA but I am not and more cultured.

But my stories have a large amount of truth...they are. Not just fantasy crap!

Bigman2

I liked your story. It had a unique style, and with a bit of spit and polish you could end up writing very well indeed.

Now, to all the fuckwits below who saw fit to cruicify this guy for his efforts, I say: get a fucking life. You sound like the type of fucking losers who would bag anything that wasn't written in USA (as the author put it!). So fucking true. Probably the type of idiots who applaud a story that is exactly like everything else out there and smash anything with any origionality at all. Thanks for the critical advice. Not.

unrealistic no guyn that was teased that much would ever go visit his sister and if he was stupid enough when she refused to let him fuck her he would have left and ignored her and he sure wouldn't have gone to be with her after her husband died keep it atleast sounding realistic

I thought it sucked bigtime. who in there right fucking mind wants to read the story a second time when the second time should have been a big ending but it was a big let down get some one to proof read it next time then it might be allright. It was just to boreing.....

I had to stop after only a few paragraphs. It sounded like the story was written in one language and then translated through google translate. Needs a lot of work and editing. Please fix!