The Fallen Ch. 01

"She said move, you whore!" the other girl snarls, giving the blond a vicious push from the back.

The blond stumbles forward and is forced to drop her book and folders to catch herself against the teacher's desk. The pair at the doorway giggle and walk into the classroom toward the blond, as if intent on continuing their torture.

Jesus Christ what a pair of fucking cunts.

My heart goes out to the blond. Granted, I don't know her story, but no one deserves being treated this way. I should do something...say something, but I'm still frozen in shock that the girl from my dream is real.

Thomas comes to the blond's rescue, though. He moves from his desk to confront the two mean girls before they reach her.

"Leave her alone," he frowns, his brow furrowing in anger.

"Or what, Tommy boy?" the first girl asks cockily.

"Just because your father's a big contributor doesn't mean you won't be expelled for bullying, Trina. And you Kelly...what you just did is called 'battery'. "

"Whatever," Trina says with a snap of her fingers. "Gonna be a fucking cop when he grows up."

She and this Kelly girl drop it, though, and move to the other side of the room to take their seats in two adjacent desks. They start whispering together in conspiratorial undertones. Thomas turns to the blond, who's picked up her book and folders by now.

"Are you okay, Danni?" he asks with honest concern.

Her name is Danni.

"I'm fine," she whispers, looking down to avoid eye contact with everyone in the room.

The ethereal blond moves to a desk at the very back of the room and sits down. My eyes stay locked on her as she moves, as if I'm under a spell. After seating herself, Danni looks up slowly and stares right at me with an awestruck gaze.

I turn around uncomfortably and look ahead to the chalkboard. The teacher eventually shows up, and homeroom starts. I have a hard time paying attention to anything with the feeling of Danni's eyes on my back.

My mind spins and whirls chaotically.

She's a real girl...what happened last night?!?

Early on I hear my name, the sound snapping me out of my private thoughts. I look up, my mind processing what the teacher had just said. She's introducing me to the class.

Oh joy.

The meet-and-greet bullshit. As if I can sum up my essence and all it means to be me in a couple of sentences.

"Don't be shy, Erykah. Stand up and tell us a little about you."

I want to shrink so far into myself that I simply pop out of existence. I try to will my muscles to stand me up, but they rebel. I can only sit, silently paralyzed by my introvert nature. I hear a few whispers. Dammit. Why is this so hard for me? The thought of getting up and saying a few simple words has me frozen in fear.

Trina giggles, snorts derisively, and says, "You sure she isn't supposed to be in the deaf kids' class, Ms. Land?"

"Muuu uuuuh," Kelly mocks laughingly.

Fucking bitches.

The sound of the mean girls' callous taunts makes me angry. I already didn't like them much to begin with because of what they'd done to Danni, but now they're aiming their pointless cruelty toward me. Something inside snaps. I stand bolt upright with a suddenness that startles those sitting near me.

I've practiced this look for years. It's what I call my 'murder face'. I mostly do in the mirror just to be goofy when I'm alone and bored.

I did it once to my mom while she was washing dishes. She turned to see me standing there motionless with thislookon my face. It startled her so badly she dropped the plate she was cleaning, the porcelain shattering into a million pieces on the kitchen floor as she clutched her chest in fright.

I tilt my head downward ever-so-slightly so my hair hangs down, masking my face in shadow. I paste an exaggerated, falsely sugary smile on my lips as my wide-eyed, piercing gaze broadcasts a dark hatred. I look around slowly at the class, my gaze coming to rest on Trina and Kelly.

"Hi. I'm Erykah Gray," I say with fake coyness while my eyes blaze an unearthly fury. "I love kittens, lollipops, and little pink hearts."

The two mean girls' smiles evaporate from their faces. Trina frowns at me. Kelly's breath hitches in her throat, and she gulps nervously.

This is weird. I almost feel like I'm projecting palpable waves of discomfort at the pair of bullies, as if I'm physicallypushingmy dislike of them down their throats.

I tilt my head to the side a little bit before continuing in my faux sweet voice.

"I'm also into horror movies and snuff films," I say with a saccharin giggle that contrasts diabolically with the pure malice in my eyes. "Will you please be myspecialfriend?"

Trina looks only somewhat disturbed at my act, but Kelly has a look of abject fear on her face, as if she's about to piss herself. Ialmostfeel bad for the bitchy girls, but their looks are extremely satisfying. The mean girls' expressions aren't lost on the rest of the class, and laughter fills the room at their expense.

I let my murder face disappear. My heart is hammering like crazy as I sit back down. I fold my hands together tightly to keep them from shaking. I force a sweet smile on my lips as I look over to Ms. Land.

The teacher is briefly at a loss for words, but eventually she says, "That was an...interesting introduction. Let's move on, class..."

* * * * * *

Homeroom ends and I shoot out of there as if the place is on fire. I think Thomas is trying to get my attention, but I pretend not to notice and practically sprint down the hallway and around the corner. I slow down as I near my locker.

I'm not sure what had come over me, and I think about how I'd reacted completely out of character when Trina and Kelly had taunted me. I reach my locker, and my fingers fumble with it's combination. I finally get it open after a couple tries. I'm swapping out books when another girl steps up to the locker beside mine and starts twirling it's dial.

I look over briefly and freeze like a deer in headlights as a soft, rattling squeak escapes my throat. As fate would have it, it's Danni standing right next to me. She stares at me with an expression similar to my own, standing frozen in place with her fingers resting on her locker. Her hand falls back to her side.

"Erykah," she utters in a low, breathless tone as if tasting my name on her lips.

My breathing quickens.

"You were in my room last night," Danni continues quietly.

Oh my God...

She whispers almost harshly in an awe-laced voice, saying, "I was dead and you brought me back."

I feel a rising panic as my heartbeat flutters in my chest like a caged, wild bird.

"No...no...it was only a dream," I mutter and shake my head in denial, not sure if I'm talking to Danni or myself.

She pulls back her jacket's sleeve to expose her forearm.

"There isn't even a mark," she says quietly as she holds up her smooth, unblemished wrist for my inspection.

I completely freak.

My backpack falls from nerveless fingers, and I run away, unheeding of the fact that my locker is still open. I round the corner and blunder my way into the girls' bathroom with an expression of terror on my face, my eyes darting back and forth wildly. The few girls inside look over at me briefly with an unimpressed aspect before going back about their business.

I find an empty stall, close and lock the door behind me, and climb up onto the toilet lid. I hug my knees against my chest and rock back and forth in a fugue.

"It was only a dream," I whisper almost imperceptibly to myself over and over.

It was only a dream...

It was only a dream...

It was only a dream...

The girls using the facilities have all left, heading to their next classes. The bell rings again, signaling the start of first hour, but I'm rooted to the spot. I merely sit atop the toilet in the midst of my breakdown. The bathroom is dead quiet except for my repetitious mutterings.

I'm startled into silence when I hear a pair of feet stepping across the floor, their dress shoes tapping loudly against the linoleum. My eyes track the sound with trepidation as it comes closer and closer. I watch the gap below the stall door as my backpack is set in front of it. A hand pushes the pack underneath. There are several seconds of silence.

"I made a terrible mistake," a tear-choked voice calls out softly. "Thank you."

It's Danni's sad, sweet voice. I hear her footsteps again as they recede toward the exit. She pauses.

"I closed your locker for you," she tells me softly before leaving.

The door swooshes open and shut, leaving me to myself.

* * * * * *

I'm back in my dorm room, my front door closed and locked. If I had the strength I would push some furniture against the door, too, but the way I'm shaking I can barely dial a phone number.

I call in sick to the main office, the man on the other end inquiring if I need to visit the infirmary. My brain scrambles for an excuse that would keep me from having to leave the safety of this room.

"I'm having really bad menstrual cramps," I blurt out in a curt lie, it being the only thing I can come up with.

That stops his questions.

"Well, uh, you get some rest and feel better tomorrow."

"Okay, thanks," I mutter before hanging up.

I flop down onto my bed and curl up in the fetal position. I clutch my pillow tightly against my chest as if it can shield me from my impossible reality.

How can this be? Is this all some sort of sick prank?

But that feeling...

That sense of forcing life back into Danni's veins...

And there she was in class...alive and well, her words at my locker pronouncing everything I'd experienced last night to be true. It wasn't a dream.

But she killed herself...she was dead...

Somehow I brought her back to life. My mind still denies what is plainly the truth. I simply can't wrap my brain around it. The mere thought is something from which my reason recoils.

It's not possible.

Yet it must have happened.

My persecuted thoughts suddenly latch onto the only plausible explanation...

I've gone crazy. Terms like "stress induced psychosis" and "schizophrenia" come to mind. I think I need help.

I'd noticed a phone book in my nightstand last night. I sit up, open the stand's drawer, and stare at the book of numbers for a long minute before grabbing it. I flip it open to the yellow pages and look up psychiatrists.

There's so many.

I pick one at random before finding my cell phone with a shaking hand.

I'm about to dial the number when a soft knock at the door stays my hand. I'm paralyzed again. Somehow I knowexactlywho it is, and the thought of her petrifies me with fear. She's the personification of my insanity, the embodiment of my dementia.

I found Danni dead, and I must have snapped, gone off the deep end. Understandable, right? After my mom dying, my fragile psyche couldn't handle any more death, so now I'm imagining Danni being alive. In fact, this entire day so far is probably a fabrication of my fevered mind. Maybe I never even left my bed this morning, and I've imagined everything today.

It's the only thing that makes any sense.

"Erykah?" Danni's voice quietly penetrates the silence.

I want to scream 'go away', but my own voice is caught in my throat.

"I know you're in there," she says after a long pause. "Can you open the door?"

I start to shake uncontrollably as tears roll silently down my face.

"You're not real!!!" I finally manage to bark out far more loudly than I'd meant to, my voice practically a scream.

"Sometimes I feel that way," her faint voice floats through the door, taking on an anguished and pleading tone. "Open up...please..."

Some sort of magnetism pulls me up from the bed, and I walk toward the door. I lean my head against it and place the fingers of one hand against the hard, wooden surface. It's a weird sensation, but I canfeelDanni on the other side.

"I'm lost and don't know what to do," she whispers quietly, as if she can sense the proximity of my presence as well.

Her voice is so plaintive and desperate. It makes my heart ache so badly I almost wish it would stop beating so this unbearable pain will stop.

Damn me and curse me to hell, but I give in to the lunacy.

A strange calm overcomes me as I surrender, and that awful heartache leaves as quickly as it came. I step back and reach out to unlock the door. I open it and see Danni standing in the otherwise empty hallway. Her cheeks are sparkling in the light with the moisture of her own silent tears.

I turn around and walk back into my room. I stare down to the floor with my shoulders slumping in resignation. My hair hangs down and shrouds my features, my back to Danni. She takes the open door and my silence as an invitation. She walks in, shutting the door behind. I turn around and lift my eyes upward. Danni and I look fixedly at each other in the deafening silence of my room for several long moments.

"I remember," Danni finally begins to speak, her voice weak and unsteady. "I remember getting in the tub...andcutting. I was...so sure it was the only answer."

She pauses. Tears fill her eyes again as she looks away with an expression of pure emotional agony, her eyelids blinking rapidly against the fresh dampness.

"I thought I'd be glad to leave...but I was wrong. I realized what a horrible mistake I made, but it was too late. I was too weak to call for help."

Her eyes turn back toward me slowly.

"I know I died. I was in my bathroom but looking down at myself...at my dead body in the tub. You were there. You took me by the hand andglowedand then I was alive."

I don't remember glowing. If this is my delusion then why would Danni bring up a detail I don't recall?

Danni steps forward suddenly and pulls me against her in a fierce embrace. I stand there unmoving and stunned at howrealshe feels against me. I can feel her heartbeat, rapid and strong, against my chest. I can hear her steady breathing.

"Where do I go now? What do I do?" Danni whispers delicately.

I begin to doubt my insanity.

If I'vetrulycracked up then how is it I perceive Danni to be so irrefutably real? Other than last night I haven't experienced anything I would classify as an hallucination. I haven't been having weird thoughts...at least not any weirder than they are normally, or would be considering the circumstances. I'm not thinking about hurting myself or others, and I don't feel paranoid.

Ididhave a breakdown earlier, right after homeroom, but who wouldn't? I think it'd be a normal reaction from any sane person who experienced what I did last night. My mind rationalized it away as a dream, but once I found out Danni is an actual person and not a figment of my sleeping mind...well, it was quite a shock.

Okay, so if I'm not crazy then what now?

What in the hell am I?

"Are you an angel?" Danni's question mirrors my own thoughts.

She's still gripping me tightly in her embrace. I finally return her grasp, lifting my arms and wrapping them around her.

"No," I laugh with relief. "I'm just a girl...like you."

* * * * * *

We sit on the edge of my bed and talk for a couple of hours, revealing something of our pasts to each other. I tell her my story first - about how I'd come to be here at Bay Ridge, about my family history, about my brother Christopher. Danni listens attentively, and her face shows genuine sympathy when I speak of my mother's death.

I can't help but feel a touch petty as I speak of my own suffering, as if my pain is greater than that of a girl who hurt so badly she committed suicide. Danni's eyes hold no judgment, however, only a sort of empathy that can be shared with another who has endured a terrible loss.

Then it's Danni's turn. As her story unfolds my emotions go through shock, dismay, horror, and finally a deep and understanding compassion.

Danni was dating a boy at the Academy last year, and because they came from the same hometown the romance continued over summer break. Things got real serious, and Danni got real pregnant. She wanted to keep the baby and marry the boy, but instead of proposing to Danni he suddenly wanted nothing to do with her.

Turning to her parents she confessed her "delicate situation", expecting at least some measure of forgiveness and support, but they had the exact opposite reaction. Basically disowning Danni, they sent her back to Bay Ridge to sit out her summer vacation alone and terrified of her future.

Once here Danni got back in contact with the boy she thought she was in love with, but he accused her of being responsible for what was going on, as if he was blameless in the whole thing. The worst part, Danni tells me, is that shewason the pill and never forgot a dose. The whole pregnancy was a freak occurrence.

Terribly enough, the boy sent her the money for an abortion.

At first Danni refused, but her parents' alienation, the boy's insistence, and life's pressures were crushing down on her and slowly but surely eroding her resolve. She was a pregnant teenage girl, and all of those who were supposed to love and support her had abandoned her. None of her "friends", once she told them of her situation, wanted to talk to a social pariah like Danni anymore.

Damn stuck-up rich kids.

Then the boy promised to get back with Danni if she went through with the abortion. All alone and afraid of the future, Danni took the only path she could see before her.

I learn from Danni that fear can make you do some crazy shit you'd never consider otherwise.

She capitulated and had the "procedure" done. There were complications. Danni had to spend two weeks in the hospital recovering, and now she's sterile. She could never have children. What man would ever want a woman who can't bear his children?

Her parents still acted as though they wanted nothing to do with her, as did her fair-weather friends. When the school year starts the boy already has a new girlfriend andstillwants nothing to do with Danni, despite her bowing to his wishes.

Though her plight was awful, Danni still felt as though she could put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life. She wasn't yet at that dire tipping point. Not until word somehow got out to theentireschool about what she'd done.

That's when the name calling and bullying started. Danni couldn't go anywhere or do anything without hearing "slut", "skank", or "baby-killing whore". That last one was the worst. Teenagers can be so astoundingly cruel. Danni had reached that final moment of truth. That instant where a person decides no one will miss them, and they'd be better off dead.

I know the rest.

I realize I'm holding Danni's hand. I must have taken it into my own at some point. I don't remember doing so, but Idoremember an overriding desire to show support...to give her the courage to continue her story. It's not really like me, but after hearing Danni's tale it feels as though something inside me has changed. It's an intangible and elusive transformation, and I can't quite place my finger on it.

After Danni's voice falls silent she's staring at the floor and unwilling to look into my eyes, as if she's afraid of what she'll see there. I can't really blame her. Everyone else abandoned her, why would I be any different?

But Iamdifferent. I've never really fit in with everyone else, always caring little for their opinions or vapid, shallow thoughts. Being normal is just a suit people wear. I'd decided to take off my suit a long time ago.

"Screwallthose people," I snap with outrage. "Theydon't deserveyou, not the other way around."

I reach over and gently grasp Danni's chin, lightly turning her face in my direction. Her eyes are still downcast, but I continue holding her chin in my hand until she finally looks up.